all my dreams are coming true (now that they're about me and you)

chapter four

Santana had fled from the auditorium, too overwhelmed by the depth and power of her own feelings – feelings she didn't even fully understand – to stand there even a moment longer. Rachel's voice continued to echo in her ears even as her feet pounded down the hallways and out the door and onto the sidewalk. She ran and ran and ran, knowing all the while that she could never outrun her fears, and her pain, and most of all, her own heart.

She imagined Rachel's eyes on her, watching her run the entire way home. Those unbearably kind, knowing eyes, that saw into and through her and knew her somehow. Knew her fear and her pain and her anger, all the things she tried so hard to keep hidden from everyone around, yet they were as clear to Rachel as if Santana had laid them bare to her, offering her own soul in exchange for Rachel's esteem, her affection, her...love?

Such a small word. Four letters that meant everything in the world to Santana. All her hopes and dreams for the future, wrapped up in two consonants and two vowels that contained everything she held dear, and everything she was afraid of losing if she were lucky – and cursed – enough to have that bright and shining gift bestowed upon her.

In Rachel's eyes, and in her song, were Santana's salvation - and her complete destruction.

For her part, Rachel had come off stage bewildered at first, seeing Mr. Schuester and Ms. Pillsbury and all the members of New Directions standing there, applauding and whistling and hooting and hollering – all of them except Santana, with Brittany and Quinn standing at the front, exchanging looks of sadness and confusion.

The space between the two cheerleaders told her everything she needed to know, and she sighed before smiling her best show smile at her friends and teachers, basking in their applause even as her insides twisted with hurt for the one she had wanted to see here the most. Brittany told her that the song had made Santana cry, that no one had ever seen Santana Lopez cry before today. It was still unbelievable to all the Glee Club members, and several of them still couldn't quite convince themselves that they had really seen what they'd seen, shaking their heads and speaking to each other in hushed tones about it.

The song had been meant to soothe and comfort and encourage the girl, and it seemed that it had done just the opposite; yet Rachel knew there was more, much more, to it than that. Santana was a complex, many layered person, which was what made her fascinating and compelling to Rachel. There was the surface bravado, the tough girl attitude, the open, unapologetic sexuality - and then there was the fear and uncertainty, the pain and anger hidden inside and beneath. Rachel felt more determined than ever to find a way to get inside the girl's heart, to heal what was broken and enable her to embrace life fully and honestly.

Santana had flopped down on her bed and groaned. She knew that Coach Sue was going to have her ass tomorrow for missing practice today, but she found it hard to care.

Staring at her phone, she read through the text messages she'd received from Quinn and Brittany, and even Kurt and Tina and Mercedes, all asking how she was, if she was okay, if she needed anything. It was nice to know that they cared, and she answered everyone with a simple I'm fine, thanks for asking.

Then her phone chimed with a new message alert, and she saw at last the message from the one person from whom she wanted to hear the most.

Rachel.

She tapped the message and laughed in spite of herself when she saw how long the message was, in the perfect full sentences that read the same way the girl spoke. Others occasionally found her verbosity annoying, but Santana loved it because she secretly loved words the same way Rachel did.

I'm sorry if my song upset you. Yes, I was singing it for you, though I didn't know if you'd be there to hear it, and I never expected to have any other audience for it. It was meant to provide you with solace and comfort, wherever you were, not to make you feel badly in any way. It's just that I was thinking of you, and when I do, it makes me want to sing. I know you can understand that.

Santana's eyes filled with tears, and the words on the screen blurred. She wiped them away and wondered again how it was possible that Rachel knew just how deeply she felt things, when no one else in her life could even guess at it.

Sniffling, she typed out her reply, not intending to match Rachel word for word, yet unable to keep herself from doing so.

I didn't mean to run out of there the way I did. While you were singing, I wanted nothing more than to get up on that stage and kiss you, swallow all those words into my mouth and breathe them back into you. I really did. You make me feel all these things I never thought I could, and I just don't know what to do with it all. You're like the ocean – deep and beautiful and incredibly dangerous. One wave and I could drown in you. I was so overwhelmed that I had to leave – I didn't know what else to do. I'm sorry.

Rachel's eyes widened as she took in Santana's surprisingly poetic words – especially the part about wanting to kiss her. She felt heat rise in her face, flow through her body, as she imagined Santana's lips on her own, and the thought made her squirm in her chair. While Rachel made Santana feel emotions that she'd never experienced, Santana made Rachel experience physical sensations that she'd always heard others talk about, but never felt herself until now.

It was like she was a flower that had never been taught how to bloom, spending its whole life sleeping in shadow, and suddenly, the sunlight was hitting just the right places, and her leaves were uncurling and stretching and hungry to feel more, more, ever more.

Oh, Santana. There's no need for apologies. It's perfectly all right to feel whatever you're feeling. You have every right to your emotions, to embrace and explore and own them, wherever they lead you. And if they lead you to me – I'll be right here waiting.

It was hard for Santana to believe that such kindness as Rachel showed her actually existed in the world, and yet here was the evidence, right on her screen. Again, it was as though Rachel knew a secret path into her heart, casting aside all barriers, never fooled by false trails leading away, always finding that one true place within, where all her mysteries lived. She never judged, never spoke unkindly, even knowing what kind of dark things existed in those deep caverns.

I don't know what I'm doing most of the time; just trying to hold myself together more than anything else. But I know I'm drawn to you in a way I can't even begin to explain. You know me somehow, even though we've barely ever really spoken before now. Yet the way you looked at me in the hall the other day – that said everything, and told me that I need to know even more.

Then come to me. I'll tell you everything. Just don't be afraid – even though I am, a little, of what might happen when you do. What will probably happen. Yes, I'll admit to being scared, but I'm eager too. There's something inside me that you've woken up, and now I don't want it to go back to sleep ever again.

Rachel bit her lip after she tapped "send" and her words, her bold, bold words, showed up in the green bubble on her screen. If she wanted Santana to live honestly, then she couldn't be anything less than honest herself. Still, these were things she'd only just learned to say to herself out loud, and only here, in the safety of her own room. She'd told the other Glee Club members that she didn't know what was happening between her and Santana, but now she was sure of the mutual attraction that seemed to be growing by the minute.

I'll never admit this to anyone else, but I'm scared too, but it's a good kind of scared. All my life I've lived with fear, and anger over that fear, but you make me feel like I can get through it. For the first time, I feel as though I might be okay. Like I might actually one day be free of everything that's been holding me back. I don't know what it is you've done to me, but please don't stop.

Santana paused, let out the breath she'd been holding. She'd never spoken so openly, so honestly about herself before. Yes, it was freeing, but also terrifying. She was giving Rachel Berry the means to completely eviscerate her if she so chose. This was a level of trust she'd never allowed herself before, but somehow she knew that this thing between them couldn't ever grow without it.

I won't stop if you won't.

Rachel closed her eyes. Images of raven black hair and caramel skin and red, red lips brushing against her own invaded her mind, and she gasped at the rush of heat that gathered right at the very center of her being. Leaves uncurling, reaching. Bright, bright sun. She drank in the light, reveled in its warmth, needed more.

My fathers are going away for the weekend.

The rest of the invitation didn't need to be written.