The next day was a difficult combination of fear and boredom. Castle's voice got rough from reading, and she finally made him stop. They fell back on watching old movies on Netflix, and midday a pair of orderlies showed up to install a wider (but not queen-sized) bed. They didn't let Kate move a muscle to get herself into it, but shifted her over like a sack of flour. She looked lost at the edge of the wide, bariatric mattress, until Castle climbed in next to her, braced himself with a flotilla of pillows, and had the orderlies help shift her back to her now-familiar position.
When visitors arrived, explanations for the oxygen were unavoidable, but Kate's father took it better than she'd thought he might. Not one of the visitors commented on the wider bed. She still found it easier to breathe lying on her side, her head propped up on Castle's shoulder, and so there she stayed, while their company buzzed pleasantly around them, sharing takeout.
She caught Martha looking at her with an alarmingly concerned look, and said, "Is it really that bad?"
"Darling, you're pale, and the thing..." Martha waved at her cheek to indicate the cannula, "It rather brings home the whole almost-died bit. Plus, neither of you is being the least bit coy about the fact that you're using my son as a pillow."
"I'm right here, Mother," he said.
"As I said, it's just not how we are used to seeing the indomitable Katherine Beckett. The braids make you look about twelve, and the oxygen makes you look rather consumptive."
"I could change the hair," Kate said. "But my hairdresser is occupied. I'm not feeling indomitable at the moment."
"Don't you worry about it, my dear. Right now it's your job to lie there and look wan, and our job to cluck over you like concerned mother hens. I'm rather hoping it will annoy you back to wellness."
Rick could feel Kate trying not to laugh. "It just might work," she finally said.
"You'll let us know when it's too much?" Alexis asked from her perch on the windowsill.
"I will, sweetheart," Rick said. "But I think the company is a good thing right now. For both of us."
"How much of a setback is this...the clot, that is?" Alexis asked a few minutes later.
Lanie, from a chair on the other side of the bed, said, "Clots are funny. Not ha-ha, but they can be instantly deadly, or slowly debilitating, or really not much of a big deal. And you don't really know until they either kill you or they don't. Right now, the feeling is that because the underlying risk factors have been addressed, it's probably as bad as it will get, and she'll be feeling better pretty soon. But she has to be careful and they'll be watching her pretty closely for a while. But they won't keep her here just for the clot."
The room was quiet while people ate, and then Kate said, "So is someone going to tell me what's going on at the precinct?"
"No." The chorus came from half the people in the room, and her eyes widened.
"Seriously? Just no?"
"We're not talking to you about cases," Esposito said. "In part because you're supposed to be recovering, and in part because we don't know."
"Don't..." Kate looked perplexed.
Ryan said, "Because we both took leaves of absence."
"You can't afford..." Kate started, and then realized that Rick was shifting awkwardly under her. "Rick, what did you do?"
He looked up at the ceiling in studied innocence.
"Rick..." her voice held a warning tone. When he didn't respond, she snapped, "Castle, what the fuck did you do?"
"I... hired them away from the NYPD temporarily," he said quickly. "And you're not supposed to get excited."
"The pay was better," Ryan said. "And the mission more to my liking."
"Mission..." Kate prompted, slowly and reluctant relaxing back against Rick.
"To keep you alive," Esposito said, without apology. "Since you've been here, there've already been a couple of feints, attempts to bribe the staff or interfere with your care. One of them was surprisingly subtle. To be blunt, you need us right now. The staff is good at deflecting outside interest, they were chosen well. But we're the ones who can work at tracking those leads back."
Ryan continued, "And in the long run, the city of New York needs you healthy and whole, and given the choice, we figured this was the better gig. The 12th is in chaos, but they're dealing with it by divvying up the work with some of the other precincts until they can figure out how to function without five of their best people. Once you're back on your feet and we put this mess to bed, we can worry about getting back to normal. Right now, you're more important."
"Tell me you didn't quit your job too," Beckett said, this time to Lanie.
"Oh, I didn't," Lanie said. "But you don't need a medical examiner, thank god, as much as you need a couple of savvy detectives. But I'm not taking the extra hours I usually do. Because what you do need right now are friends."
"So what happens when I leave here?" Kate asked.
"We're working on that," Esposito said. "It might just end up being fun."
"If it's that much fun, I might well take that leave of absence," Lanie muttered.
"Wouldn't hurt," Rick said.
"How big is your house in the Hamptons, anyway?" Kate asked.
"Not big enough, nor close enough to a hospital," Rick said. "We're working on something else."
"Do I get to know?" Kate asked.
"Not until we're there," Rick said. He leaned close and whispered, "Operational security, you know."
"You're really getting a kick out of this cloak and dagger shit," Kate muttered.
He sighed. "Not as much as you might think. It's less fun when the stakes are this high."
"I want my normal back," Kate said.
"Just gotta find a new normal, sweetie," Lanie said. "Summer's coming, and you're going to get a lovely tan somewhere, and catch up on all that reading you've been putting off."
"I just... life wasn't perfect, you know? But it was my life. A place of my own. A job I'm good at, that meant something. People I like working with. A boss..." Kate stopped. "It's never going to be normal again, is it?"
"You can't go back," Martha said. "But I find that moving forward, it's not hard to find an up side, wherever you go."
"You're going to start singing show tunes from Annie, Mother, if you're not careful," Rick said dryly.
"It's a good show. I'd make an excellent Miss Hannigan," Martha said, with a wag of her finger.
"You're too nice to red-headed girls, Gram." Alexis said. "I assume I'm coming with you, wherever you go?"
"It would be safer," Rick said. "But if we can get you through the school year, it would be best."
"School's out in two and a half weeks," Alexis said. "I could stay with Ashley's family. I'm assuming that you won't be here that long."
He opened his mouth to protest, and then shut it again. "If they are agreeable and have the room."
"Good, because I've been staying there for the past week," Alexis said. And then, at the look on his face, added, "In their guest room!"
Rick looked at Martha accusingly. "You..."
"Let her go, yes, I did," Martha said. "His parents and I sat down with the two of them and discussed it, and we all decided it would be better for Alexis to be there, when she wasn't here, since she wasn't sleeping, at home."
Kate murmured to him, "You need to spend some time at home."
"I heard that," Martha said, "And he doesn't. He would be of no use to us there. And Alexis is safer off her beaten path."
"I'm fine," Alexis said.
"If you're not sleeping, you're not fine," Rick said.
"I'm already talking to a counselor," Alexis said, "I just feel safer with more people around, and Ashley's been really understanding. And a gentleman, Dad, so don't give me that look. They live really close to the school, so it's just been easier. I've been using the Prius to get us from here to there, I hope you don't mind. We figured it was probably better than risking cabs."
"Richard, you're flopping your mouth like a dying fish," Martha said. "Yes, we'd all like it if things were back to our old normal, but that's not going to happen, and we're dealing with it. You need to be here. No one doubts that. But we watched you try to leap in front of a bullet that someone was very clearly aiming at Kate, immediately after her boss died taking out a band of thugs led by someone you two put in jail, and you've hired a small private army, and it is clear that whatever danger she's in, it could very easily spill out to affect the people around you. So we're taking things seriously, for once, and doing what we need to do to give you the room to be where you need to be. And you're going to shut up and let us."
The room was silent for a moment, and then Lanie started to laugh. "The looks on your faces, you two..." she said. "Martha Rodgers, you and I, we could be such good friends."
"Why does that thought terrify me?" Rick asked Kate very quietly.
"It just makes me tired," she said back to him.
He looked down. She looked so uncharacteristically small. His mother was right, the braids did make her look about twelve, and despite their best efforts to feed her up and keep her muscles stimulated, she'd lost weight, muscle especially. The cannula combined with her pale skin and the dark, dark cirles under her eyes, leaving her looking ghostly. Not ghastly, she was still gorgeous, but his writer mind could not help picturing her the pale woman in white at the edge of the highway, and it was as far from his mind's dictionary definition of Kate Beckett as he could imagine her ever being. In that dictionary, there was a picture of her, gun in hand, heels on her feet, the tall amazon woman, in charge of everything around her. As much as he loved the feel of her body against him, as much as he cherished the privilege of being a soft place for her to land, seeing her tucked up against his side, small and vulnerable, made him want to cry for what had been lost.
Jim Beckett's voice called his attention back to the room. "Folks, I think it's time to call it a night. Katie looks tired."
"I always look tired, Dad," Kate said. "You don't have to go."
"You need sleep. And Rick needs time to process," Jim said.
"We're not done talking about this," Rick said to Alexis.
"Yes, Dad, we are," she said. "You can throw one of your hissy fits later. Right now, Kate needs you, and I'm going to do what I'm going to do, and you're going to trust my judgment, because I've earned it. I suppose you could report the car stolen, or tell me not to use it, but if you're going to try to pull rank right now, just... I don't have the energy to fight with you, and I'm not going to change my mind."
"We'll see you later, guys," Ryan said, hustling his partner out of the room.
Rick frowned, and said, "I don't give a damn about the car."
"Good," Alexis said. "I'll see you tomorrow then. Ready, Gram?"
"Yes, dear," Martha said. She leaned over and gave Kate's hand a squeeze. "Feel better, darling. We will have some fun when you get out of here, I promise."
Kate watched them go, looking bemused. When the room was empty, she looked up at Rick, about to talk to him, and was taken aback by the look of utter desolation on his face as he stared at the closed door.
"She'll be fine," Kate said. "And if you need to spend some time at home..."
She was shocked when he looked down at her, eyes bright with tears he was fighting to keep back. "Oh Rick," she said, reaching up to touch his face, "Sweetie, what..."
"I don't know if I can do it," he finally said, his voice ragged. "I don't know if I can keep it together, keep it all going, take care of them. I can't keep her safe, I couldn't keep you safe, it feels like I keep coming up short, and... whatever I do, it won't be enough. I don't know how to fix this. I don't even know where to start." Tears started to fall.
"Start by helping me roll on my back," she said. "I'll be good, let you do the work. I need to move anyway. I'm told bedsores probably suck."
He obeyed her request reflexively, without hesitation, supporting her with pillows.
"Now, come here," she said, patting her left shoulder and holding out her left arm.
He looked at her skeptically, face still raw with emotion, and she rolled her eyes. "I'll tell you if it hurts. Just try."
He moved down the bed gingerly, shifted close, and placed his ear against her chest, slowly settling in, with his weight resting mostly on his side. Her hand came up and she stroked his hair until he relaxed a little, his head resting a little more firmly against her chest. "You're sure this is okay?" he asked. "You can breathe? It's not bothering the clot?"
"It's fine," she said. "Shhh."
He started to reach his upper arm around her, and then hesitated. "I don't know where your bruises are," he said.
She took one of the extra pillows that seemed to spawn eternally around her, and put it over her stomach. "Put your arm on that."
He let his arm fall lightly across her, and she found his hand with hers. "Comfy?" she asked.
"I'm afraid I'm going to squash you," he said.
"I actually like feeling a bit of weight on me," she said, with a sly grin.
"Damn gunshot wound," he said, but his arm relaxed onto the pillow. He closed his eyes, and said, "Your heart is comforting. It keeps going. Da dum, da dum."
"Never thought you'd get that close to my chest and not make a comment about my boobs," she said.
"I'm trying to control my manly urges," he said. "Not that I feel very manly right about now. And I must say, the whole cannula thing... definitely not my kink."
"Mine neither," she agreed.
"They're lovely boobs though," he said. "I look forward to making their close acquaintance at some point."
"Which one? The left point? Or the right?" she asked, grinning.
"Oh, both," he said, and she felt him relax a little more into their banter. "You know it still works."
"What's that?" she asked.
"Using your boobs to disarm the subject."
"You're still armed," she said, brushing her hand down in the general direction of his hip.
"Yeah, well." He sighed. "I'm not very good at this grownup thing."
"You've been amazing," she said. "It's okay to fall apart a little when it's safe."
"I don't know what safe is, anymore," he said. "And there's a camera up there. And I just... I want to wave my magic wand, make you well, whisk you away to somewhere magic and lose myself completely in you. And there's not enough money in the world to guarantee it. Everything I see myself as, everything I think I'm good at, it all feels like it's gone to shit, and it's not enough to take care of the people I love."
"I know the feeling," she said quietly.
"Will you let me take you away from all of this? At least until you're as healed as you're going to get?" he asked, almost begging, his voice raw and weary.
"I already said yes," she answered.
"I just had a hard time believing it," he said into her chest. He was sounding tired, half-asleep.
She stroked his hair. "When Roy... I... I'm not going to give up the fight forever, but I don't have it in me right now. Running away to some sunny beach somewhere until I feel human again... it sounds pretty good. I don't even know if I can go back to the precinct. It's just... It was who I was for so long, and I'm trying to get my mind around things like running and taking down perps and I know it's going to be a long time before even breathing is easy. And I'm not sure I like the idea of a desk job."
"You could always marry me and stay at home and have babies," he mumbled, and then blinked. "Did I say that out loud? I'm sorry, my filters are on the fritz."
She gave a weak laugh, and said, "Yes, yes you did. And yes, they are."
He glanced up at her, the circles under his eyes deep, but his mouth twisting into a sly grin, "You didn't hit me. Is that because you're too weak to life your arms, or because the idea isn't entirely unappealing?"
"Maybe a little of both," she answered.
His smile widened, and he snuggled back down against her chest. "Good." He was silent for a few minutes, and then said, so quietly she almost didn't hear it, "But don't think about it too much right now. When I propose to you, it's going to be something special."
She felt her body tingle strangely as the words registered, and she stared down at him. His eyes were closed, his face mashed up against her chest, he looked almost asleep. Filters at low ebb, indeed, she thought, and toyed with the idea of calling him on the "when". She took an experimental breath, decided it was okay having him stay there for a while, dropped a kiss on the top of his head, and let herself drift off to sleep.