Hello, folks! Here we have me, a terrible person, nonchalantly updating as though it hasn't been three months since I've paid any attention at all to this fic. Did I say I was going to post every other day? Heh. Well, we all saw how that turned out.

I'm sorry, guys, I suck. Hey, life sucks, though. At least I'm trying.

I have the whole story mapped out by now, though, it's just a matter of typing it, and getting through the horror of writing a Peter Pettigrew makeout scene. Sorry, it's necessary for a good joke, also for the plot of this entire chapter. I assume no responsibility for any innards you may throw up.

Thanks for sticking around, though. You guys are the greatest.

Year 4

Kissing wasn't like anything Peter had ever experienced before.

He'd spent a lot of time thinking about it, certainly, especially with respects to a certain blond-haired witch now stuffed in a broom closet at the end of the train with him.

Before last year, kissing was something to be laughed at, or disgusted by when his mom kissed one of her boyfriends. It was something he and Sirius would laugh at when someone stopped in the middle of the corridor to do it- usually accompanied by a "Get out of the way, idiot!" and a Tongue-Tying Hex fired from Remus's wand once they were a safe distance away.

James was the first to go. Arguably, he had always been a romantic- his head had been tied up with Lily Evans since the moment they met her on the train. It was "Evans this" and "Evans that" every morning of their first year, and had only picked up speed since then.

Remus was the next. He was a different kind of interested, though- every time he made eye contact with Amelia Bones starting in the middle of his second year, he would blush furiously, mumble some hurried excuse, gather his things, and escape to the library with no regard to where he was- whether it was on the grounds, at meals, or in the middle of class.

Peter's eye had been caught by Emmeline Vance during his third year. Her pretty blond hair and sunny disposition attracted him- that, and the fact that she was one of the only girls who knew he actually existed. She never failed to smile and say hello to him in the halls, and when he couldn't find any of the lads during Quidditch matches- since James and Sirius were playing, and Remus often ran off to hide in the library after an unexpected encounter with Amelia- she would always swoop in and rescue him, taking him to sit in the Hufflepuff side of the stands.. She introduced him to the Beatles his third year- he had listened to Revolver nonstop until Remus took it upon himself to chuck the record out the tower window of the boys' dormitory. She was the dream. And he was lucky enough to be kissing her on the Hogwarts Express.

"COME ON, PETE!" One large hand wrapped around his forearm, yanking him unceremoniously from the broom closet where he was half-entwined with Emmeline. Leaving her spluttering indignantly behind him, Peter looked at Sirius with the darkest scowl he could muster.

"Sirius, what the hell?"

"Kissing can't compare to our annual escape, Petey! Nothing can outdo the Marauders' yearly trip off the Hogwarts Express!"

"You say that as if we've ever gotten off."

"Don't you rain on my parade, boy-o."

"You want to talk about raining on parades? What about one of my best mates dragging me out of the best experience of my miserable life?"

"Wow, I'm offended you didn't choose any of the multitude of times I've sat on your lap for that."

"Please. That's my future wife, I was kissing her. That is undoubtedly the best day of my life."

"Isn't that a bit presumptuous?"

"Well, it isn't going to happen now, you made me ditch her. She'll never speak to me again."

"Please, Pete. It's my fault, blame it on me when you see her next. I don't give a damn."

"This is the end of my life."

Sirius clapped Peter on the back. "There'll be other birds, lad. Now come on, James and Remus are waiting for us in the compartment. Remus came up with a rather brilliant plan as to how we can… circumvent Vladmira this year."

"Well, there's no point in going back now, is there?"

"You know I'd just send James next time, and he'd be far more embarrassing than I am. Cooing, congratulating- the whole shebang. When it comes to romance, he's a mother hen. Ridiculous."

"I can't believe I'm beginning to feel grateful for you dragging me out of a snog."

"Most everything can become pleasant when pitted against something worse."

"Wise words, Sirius."

The two walked into the compartment, where James and Remus had turned Peter's trunk on its side and laid it across the two benches to create a table, of sorts. The two tall boys blocked Peter's view of what was lying on the bench, despite his attempts to stand on his toes, peek over their shoulders, and climb onto James' back. Giving up, he flopped on the bench with a sigh and grabbed a packet of Fizzing Whizbees.

"So, what's the plan?"

James and Remus turned around with identical mischievous grins on their faces. "While you were… occupied by the charming Miss Vance, Remus and I have been doing the serious prep work," James said,

Remus nodded in agreement. "We were so smooth, we were made to be spies."
James nodded smugly. "Distraction, sweet talk, charm- we have it all."

"So smooth, we could have been Fortescue's chocolate velvet ice cream sundae."

"Our sweet talk was so charming, any woman would have fallen head over heels for us immediately."

Sirius snorted. "This from the two blokes who embarrass themselves any time the bird they fancy gets near."

Remus turned red and began to choke on his Chocoball. James thumped him on the back, scowling at Sirius. "Please, Sirius. Who could control themselves around Evans?"

The three remaining boys in the compartment raised their hands. James huffed, leaning back on the makeshift table. "I was standing up for you, Remus, you traitor. Should have let you choke."

Sirius waved his hand. "This isn't the point. Tell Petey what you did, without the egotistical side comments to distract yourselves from the fact that you can't talk to women."

"I can so talk to women!" Remus protested.

"Fine, you can't talk to Amelia. You run away every time she's near. Just get on with the story, or we'll get to Hogwarts before we even have a chance to use our secret weapons."

James stood back up. "Right. Well, as we were saying before we were so rudely interrupted-" he said with a pointed glare towards Sirius, "-while you were charming the wits off of Miss Vance, Remus and I implemented the first step of our plan."

"When Vladmira the Impaler wheeled on by, I distracted her by buying a rather ridiculous amount of chocolate," Remus said, brushing off the sleeves of his worn sweater. "Meanwhile, James, who was lurking next door in Frank's compartment, snuck out and nicked four pasties from her 'special stash' in her apron pocket."

"What's that supposed to do?" Peter said dismissively. "She'll just figure out how we're going to escape quicker, and she'll be waiting for us. Looks like it's doomed already, lads, I'm sorry. Now, if you'll excuse me, there is a lovely young lady waiting for me-"

"Not so fast, Petey," Sirius said, his hand darting out to catch the sleeve of Peter's jumper. "We need you for this one."

"We need you for all of them, actually, you're a valued member of our team-" James began anxiously.

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. You're a mother hen. But you really don't need me for this-" Peter started again, trying fruitlessly to escape from Sirius' grip.

"You'll understand when we show you the plan," Remus said smugly.

"Then show me and get on with it!"

"These ill-gotten-pasties, as we have all seen, have rather, ah, unique abilities."

"Transportational abilities, in fact," James added.

"Our plan is to get up on the roof, and when Vladmira the Impaler inevitably hunts us down, we can chuck the pasties at her to get her back in the train, buying us enough time to get to the River Nidd, where the bridge is low enough that we can safely jump into the water. It'll be great. We'll be legends," Remus said.

"Why do you specifically need me, again?" Peter asked.

"We need you to carry and fire the pasties."

"Why me?"

"You have a unique and wonderful gift with spatial reckoning and trajectory, as illustrated by the fact that you have never once lost a snowball fight. That'll make it easy for you to understand the gusts, patterns, and safe spots to throw according to the conditions on the roof. We need you, Pete," James said.

Peter sighed. "Fine, let's get this over with."

The boys around him whooped, and without any further ceremony, they gathered the pasties up, pulled on their cloaks, and boosted each other out the window.

Peter had forgotten how cold the roof of the train was. It was a shocking contrast to the warm companionship of his friends, or the even more desirable embrace of Emmeline…

Peter shook his head. Can't think like that. We just need to finish this. The sooner we're done, the sooner I can go back and apologize…

Peter could see the river approaching quickly. "Where is she?" he yelled to Sirius over the roar of the wind. Sirius shrugged.

"It would kind of be a pity to waste our secret weapons on an unchallenging escape," Remus said, seeming slightly crestfallen.

"Oh, you're right. We'd better go back in and try another time, when there is honor and valor in our escape!" Peter said, attempting a winning smile.

All three of the other boys turned around to look at him with disgust. "We can't all be selfish, Peter. Just because you're the only one of us with a girlfriend doesn't mean you have to rub it in our-" James broke off suddenly. "Code Orange!" he said in a panicked whisper, jabbing his finger behind Peter.

The other three boys moved in front of Peter, shielding him from any prematurely-flung pasties that might come from Vladmira. "When did we decide it was Code Orange?" Sirius asked. "That's the worst code name I've ever heard."

"Orange after the pasties, clearly," James said, inching closer to Vladmira.

"Sirius is right, James," Remus said, moving out to the right, his eyes fixed on the pleasantly smiling old lady and her cart full of sweets. "It's a terrible name."

"This really isn't the time!" Peter hissed from behind them"

"Did you really think I wouldn't notice my missing pasties, gentlemen?" Vladmira said, carefully wheeling her cart around the dents, vents, and ledges on the train roof. "I don't know what you think you're going to do with them, but I can assure you this: you will not leave this train."

"THROW THE PASTIES, PETER!" James yelled abruptly from in front of Vladmira.

"Right," Peter said, taking aim at the trolley lady.

Wait. There's a better way, a quicker way, a way I can get back to Emmeline-

He adjusted his trajectory ever so slightly so it would land right on the back of a boy with messy black hair and square-framed glasses. Sorry, James, Peter said. But you'd do the same if it was Lily.

Peter threw the pastie square at James' back, and it hit home. James disappeared in an orange flash of light.

"FRIENDLY FIRE!" Remus screamed, diving frantically away from Peter, who pivoted on his heel and threw another deadly pasty at Remus. Remus' face- Peter's target- an expression of raw betrayal covering his scar-marred visage, moved Peter a little- he almost regretted his actions. But then he thought of Emmeline's shining green eyes and full lips and angel-soft hair and all his regret washed away. He turned on his heel to see Sirius, his brown eyes aghast with shock. Peter shrugged. "Sorry, Sirius. You wouldn't understand." Peter lobbed the pastry at Sirius, who tried unsuccessfully to dodge it. The pastie struck him on his shoulder, making him disappear in a flash of orange light.

Peter was now left on the roof of a fast-moving train with a potential murderer- and one that moved pretty quick for being about four hundred years old. So he did the only thing he could think of- he darted forwards, stole a stack of chocolate frogs, and smashed the remaining pastry on his head- and with a flash of orange light, he was back in the compartment again.

Three fourteen year-old boys were sitting on the bench, looking at him resentfully.

"What?" Peter asked, shifting uncomfortably.

Sirius looked at him with thinned eyes. "You know what."

James shook his head, sighing heavily. "Never thought you'd be the traitor out out of the four of us, Pete."

"Please, like you wouldn't have done the same thing if Evans was waiting to snog you."

James smiled slightly. "Nah, I would've done way worse."

Peter turned to Remus. "In order to win your forgiveness, I brought you these," he said, holding out the stack of chocolate frogs to the tall boy slouched over the makeshift table. Remus huffed. "It's a good thing you're not evil, Pete, because if you were, you could manipulate me so easily," Remus said, tearing the wrapper off the frog and handing the card to James.

Sirius eyed him suspiciously. "I don't trust you, laddie. That was a trashy thing to do."

Peter sighed. "Look, I get that you don't get romance, but this girl means a lot to me. And I'll explain it later, but right now, she's waiting for me, and I want to see her. So, later, lads."

Peter went to open the door, but his hand was engulfed in a flash of orange light, and he yanked his hand back. The other three boys exploded into laughter.

"The rules don't change, Peter," Remus said from where he was wheezing by the window. "It doesn't matter if you're the one using the pastie, if you get hit, you're stuck."

"Serves you right," James said, chuckling with his feet propped up on the opposite bench.

Sirius had nothing to say; he was a little busy rolling on the floor, laughing uncontrollably.

Peter sighed, flopped down on the bench, and shrugged. "Well, I can't really think of another place I'd rather be stuck. Oh, wait-"

James flung his arms out, hitting Remus on the chest. "Waiwaitwait, hold up. We're stuck here, too."

Sirius stopped laughing.

Remus shrugged. "Sounds like a pretty good time to work on remote mischief-making techniques to me."

"I think you're right. And it's a good thing you're stuck here, Pete, because otherwise, we'd be testing them out on you."

Peter shook his head. "Well, lads, let's get to work. There's nothing better to do here."

"Nothing better? You make me feel so unappreciated, Peter," Sirius said.

Peter cracked a grin. "You know, you guys might be annoying, but I'm glad you're here."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Cut it out, you old sap. You're going to make James cry."

"Am not!"

Sirius chuckled. "Oh, sure."

Peter clapped his hands. "Come on, you guys. We have mischief to manage."