Who Needs Occlumency

"Hey Hermione, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure, Harry."

"You know the Fidelius Charm, right? It's supposed to hide a location so others can't find it."

"Actually, Harry, it can hide any kind of secret, not just locations."

"So, I was thinking... You know how people speak about their dreams as if they were actually there?"

Hermione got a gleam in her eye like a five year old who just got a brand new toy.

"You want to use the Fidelius to hide non-physical locations Harry? Yeah, I guess it should work. And Voldemort wouldn't be able to send you visions then, right?"

"Why stop at dreams Hermione? I want to hide my mind. From everybody." Harry said, his smile blinding.

Potions Class with the Slytherins was never a happy affair, especially so when Harry missed the previous 'Remedial Potions' lesson with Snape. Still, he regretted nothing. He had his Fidelius in place and would test it on the next lesson. Snape was being more snippy then usual so maybe he should have notified him he wasn't coming or something... Nah.

"Potter." a silky voice whispered. From behind him. How the hell had Snape gotten there?

As Harry turned to look at Snape he glimpsed a sneer on his face and sadistic determination in his eyes before...

He went slack.

"Um, Professor?" Harry asked. Snape was drooling.

"What did you do to him Potter?" Malfoy demanded. "Professor Snape? Godfather?" As Snape was standing there glassy eyed and unresponsive Malfoy's voice became more whiny.

"Maybe we should take him to Madam Pomfrey?" Hermione suggested.

"I have never see the like Albus. His mind is like a hound, quivering with anticipation. Like it's waiting for something to happen. It's not a coma, I know that much." Madame Pomfrey was obviously distressed by the incident.

"Have you found what caused this?" Albus asked calmly while his brain went into overdrive.

"No Albus, I haven't. It's certainly not a potion of any kind nor a charm. I asked Minerva and it's not some brand new mental Transfiguration either."

"Mental Transfiguration?" Albus asked, intrigued.

"Just about the only thing I could think was someone using Transfiguration to change him to a vegetative state. But there is no active magic. I just don't know. I gave him the Drought of Living Death because Dreamless Sleep Potions don't work and it's not healthy for his mind to be that focused and idle for long. We need to take him to St. Mungo's Albus." she said, no, ordered.

"But, Poppy..." Albus began.

"Imperio." A voice whispered with malice.

Harry continued down the deserted corridor, not even noticing the spell that hit his back.

"Imperio." whispered the same voice impatiently. Harry kept walking.

"Damn you Potter!" Malfoy's voice was heard, causing Harry to turn and look at the ponce.

"Oh, Malfoy, didn't see you there. What are you doing here?"

"Imperio!" Malfoy shouted. Harry did not even bother acknowledging the spell that him.

"You do know this is illegal right?" Harry asked with a smirk on his face. He was enjoying this!

"AARGH! Imperio! Imperio! Imperio!"

"Mister Malfoy." The arctic tone of Professor McGonagall caused Malfoy to whimper.

"Care to explain why you are casting Unforgivables at Mr Potter? While shouting like a madman, loud enough to be heard in my office one floor down?"

The look on Malfoy's face would fuel Harry's Patronus for decades.

"Confundus."

"Nope."

Hermione was going through all the mind-affecting spells they knew after the 'Malfoy Incident'. She made a list and was checking it twice. Harry meanwhile was enjoying life without headaches, nightmares, Malfoy and Snape. The smile on his face could only be removed surgically.

"Obliviate."

"Still here."

Plus, Voldemort was being very quiet lately. Malfoy senior was running around bribing everyone under the sun to keep his son out of prison but Madame Bones had a field day. She outright requested Veritaserum to find out how many people the little ponce had used Unforgivables on and for what purpose, all the while insinuating that she was worried about her niece. The whole Wizengamot was in an uproar over the possibility that their precious daughters were not safe. Even Dumbledore's name was blackened and the Board of Governors were seriously considering his removal. Tough luck.

"Well I don't know any other mind-affecting spells. Even the library doesn't have anything." Hermione was taking the lack of information as a personal insult it seemed.

"No worries. I should write to Fleur."

"Excuse me?" Hermione was thrown by the apparent non sequitur.

"I want to test this against Veela allure. Then I'm paying a visit to Azkaban to see the Demenors."

"Good idea." Hermione said, taking notes. "Tell me how it turns out."

OMAKE

A/N: I first came across the idea of 'Dementors are Goth Veela' in a fic whose name I forgot and now can't find. Anyway, it had twin Dementors taking a liking to Snape. Snape! Of course we can't have that.

"These are Dementors?" Harry deadpanned.

"What, the cold, fear, dark cloaks and bony hands not ringing any bells?" the guard snarked.

"They are naked Veela-hot twin Goths with bouncy breasts." Harry said while wiping the blood from his nose.

"You can see us?" the naked Veela-hot twin Goths with bouncy breasts shouted.

"Listen buddy, you wanted Dementors, I brought you Dementors. They even make that horrible sound, did you hear?"

The naked Veela-hot twin Goths with bouncy breasts squealed and pounced on Harry, grabbing a hand each and... rubbing it.

"Yeah." Harry Potter said with a grin almost splitting his face. "Horrible."

The guard looked at the two dementors rubbing themselves on the Boy-Who-Lived and quickly decided he didn't want to know.

"Come on, we'll introduce you to the others." the naked Veela-hot twin Goths with bouncy breasts said excitedly.

"Others?" Harry asked.

"Every Dementor is actually a Veela who couldn't transform. We still get most of the benefits but our allure goes haywire hence the cold and fear and so on." the naked Veela-hot twin Goths with bouncy breasts explained.

"And the Dementor's Kiss?"

"Sexual frustration. When we try to kiss someone they temporarily get the full benefit of our real aura of allure and their minds are affected deeply. They die, but they die happy. Don't worry, there's a prophecy about the man who can see the truth of our hearts. You are safe and what's more, you can cure us!" the naked Veela-hot twin Goths with bouncy breasts said while leading Harry to the central quarters for the Dementors of Azkaban. Over a hundred naked Veela-hot Goths with bouncy breasts turned to look at Harry with smoldering eyes. There were more twins and triplets then single girls, a part of Harry noticed. The rest of his attention was focused on the naked Veela-hot twin Goths with bouncy breasts that started rubbing... other parts of Harry.

"You are the Chosen One" all the naked Veela-hot Goths with bouncy breasts in the room chorused while stalking towards him.

"HELL YEAH!" The Chosen One said.