Chapter four

Beer Blast

It's 2:00 o'clock in the afternoon and I am sitting in Mike Newton's conversion van. Mike is cranking up his radio and the sounds of the Beach Boys fill the air. When I question him about his choice in music he dismisses my obvious lack of appreciation with a laugh and a reassurance that in spite of their age and overall cheesy lyrics they are in fact a classic, just like my truck. Whatever…

"And the Northern Girls with the way they kiss they keep their boyfriends warm at night …" Mike is singing along, badly. I slink as far away as humanly possible; my sore arm pressing into the cab door and it hurts. In my wildest imagination I never could have envisioned this scenario. However, Alice had.

"Bella, I know today is going to be hard on you, especially at school. But PUHLEEZE do yourself a little favor and have a little fun with it. You look unbelievably hot! Tyler and Eric are going to be drooling all over you and Mike is going to be humping your leg every chance he gets. Just imagine Edward's face when you arrive home in Mike's van…" Alice's words are still ringing in my ear. So I shouldn't have been too surprised when I finally managed to escape from the hell hole they call public school, only to discover that my truck won't start. The evil pixie struck again. I sigh…this is all part of the plan. Except as it turns out, there wasn't really a plan after all, just a few words of advice.

"Bella…whatever you do today, do NOT let Edward take you into the woods," Alice stated. "This alone will throw him off guard and will give you the upper hand."

Okay…no woods-check. Upper hand - double check.

"Bella, today a lot of guys are going to be checking you out and asking you for your cell phone number. Give it to them." Rosalie's words were commanding and firm. I groaned…I rarely give my number out. But she was right…by 1:30 I have been asked out by Eric (thought he was gay) Tyler (who told me he thought Edward was gay) and by Mike (who told me not to tell Jessica). I also got asked out by some freshman named Kyle who told me blue was his favorite color, which I thought was totally random until I realized he could see the top of my thong. I gave my thong a quick tug and gave young Kyle both my number and a wink. I loved this day-I loved being a bad-ass. I only prayed I could keep this momentum up when it came time to confront Edward.

I sigh and stare out the window. Mike continues with his off key singing, only "California Girls" has ended and he is now crooning to Kokomo. Port-A-Prince I want to catch a glimpse. Me too boyo's…anywhere but here.

I sit quietly trying to recall the words of wisdom from Alice and Rosalie. They were so vague. "Just remember Bella, you already know what he has planned and all you have to do is be ready to either pre-empt his remarks before he makes them or answer in the exact opposite of what he'll expect you to say."

Huh?

I begged them to give me an example but they shook their respective heads and said no, trying to give me some garbage that spontaneity would be my key to survival in this Lifetime original movie I call my life. I look beseechingly at them but the only thing I get is a piece of advice from Blondie.

"Bella, she said, as she looked at me directly in the eyes. The best advice I can give you at this point is to seduce him. "

Seduce him…Edward? Girl, please. The guy practically had an aneurysm and joined the church after we dry humped so I don't think a seduction is in our future. I try to explain this to Rose but she waves her royal hand in front of my face and sniffs.

"Bella, Bella, Bella…" she intoned dramatically. "Seducing Edward is going to be a piece of cake, trust me." Alice giggled and nodded her head in agreement. I am truly puzzled and it clearly showed so they decided to enlighten me just before they departed.

"First you look ah-may-zing!" Alice sings.

"Second, you still smell like last night's frottage." Rose informs me with a smirk and a wink. Gross.

"Third," Rose continues, "You will be with Mike Newton and man, will that crawl up Edward's ass. He'll want to screw you in front of poor Mike, just so he can mark his territory." (Not on a bet).

"But," I try to interject, "I thought the point was that I was going to break up with him and not to seduce him."

I am completely at a loss here. I have never been one to play games and here I am playing with fire and a vampire. I suddenly wanted my mommy.

"No, Bella…the point is to make Edward stay. At least…if you still love him," Alice said sadly.

"Love him? Of course I still love him," I gasped. The thought of not loving Edward is not even in my lexicon…

"I will love him forever and will never love another, even if he does leave me." My eyes brimmed with tears and threatened to spill over.

"Good," Alice sighed. "That's good. Now all you have to do is remember that you love him and that he loves you, and you need to follow Rose's advice."

"But, why do I need to seduce him in order to get him to stay?" I asked.

"Why?" Rose's voice went suddenly dark and mysterious. "I'll tell you why. It's because, my little Miss Innocent who doesn't have a clue about her vampire boyfriend, Vampires . . ." (duh-duh-dah) ". . .mate for life," Rosalie completed her speech as if she had just unveiled the shroud of Turin.

Huh? I'd thought stupidly as I tried to grasp what she said. "What does that mean, for life?"

Rose and Alice both burst into laughter and I'd felt my face redden as a result. Frankly the word mate gives me the creepy crawlies. Bizarre images of auburn haired, wild and madly fucking apes filled my mind. I had to stifle a hysterical giggle…because suddenly one of the auburn haired apes morphed into an image of a wild and madly fucking Edward Cullen; dressed in a gray pea coat and sporting vintage ray bans. My girlie parts began to tingle and throb…maybe the word mate isn't so bad after all.

"Bella," Alice said, "Mating for life simply means that once a vampire opens themselves fully to love in every way possible, he or she can never leave their mates. Edward has already given his emotional love to you; if he wasn't so stubborn in his morality he would have made love to you ages ago. But you know that he was raised in very different times and back then men just didn't fuck the loves of their lives unless they were married. And even though Edward has lived through major changes in terms of the sexual revolution, his own sexuality is frozen forever in 1918."

"Alice!" I gasped. "Does this mean I have to marry him before we have sex? I'm only 18 for God's sake! I certainly don't want to get married yet."

The idea of marriage fills me with ambivalence. To be honest I do want to get married someday, even though Charlie and Renee didn't exactly set a good example in this particular department. But images of Edward getting down on one knee and declaring himself to me began to fill my romantic brain. I sighed. Yes, someday I would LOVE to be Mrs. Edward Cullen. But, not today.

"Oh relax, Bella," yawned Rose, who was clearly bored with the whole virgin sex topic. "No one is getting married today. Once Edward sees you arriving home with Mike Newton and dressed like this, his Victorian values will be gone with the wind."

"And speaking of wind," Alice spoke gently, "We have to leave now." She grabbed me hard and gave me a quick hug. I started to tear up.

"No, no crying Bella," Alice admonished, "If all goes as planned we should all be back within one or two weeks. I won't be able to contact you except through e-mail or texts, but I promise you I will be monitoring Edward's reactions.

"Good luck Bella, I love you!" And then she and Rosalie (who gave me a quick, yet surprisingly gentle hug) are gone. The only thing left of them is the unmistakable fragrance of BAL a Versailles (Rose's signature perfume) and the fluttering of my curtains.

"Wouldn't it be nice if we were older then we wouldn't have to wait so long…or we could be married…and then we'd be happy….ohhhhhhhh…wouldn't it be niiiiiiice?" Mike's serenading continues as we pull into my driveway.

It's a Friday afternoon and usually my spirits would be high as a kite, especially since Monday is a teacher's workday, so we have an extra long weekend to look forward to. But this is no ordinary Friday and I am dreading the days that will follow. I sigh with relief when I see that Edward is not here yet, but then my stomach is full of knots when I think of the scene that is about to played and I am suddenly wishing more than ever that I had something to calm me down. Oh God, I don't want to do this! I need something…anything. Suddenly I have a brilliant idea!

"Mike," I ask boldly, flipping my flat ironed hair over my shoulder, as I grab my Jansen book bag and open the passenger door. "Would you like to come in and have a beer?" Mike answers with a look of shock and a shit eating grin, and we enter my house and close the door. I know immediately that life as I know it will never be the same.

I head for the kitchen with an overly enthusiastic Mike, who is apparently so eager for a brew that he is stepping on the back of my chucks as I pluck out two Rainer cans out of the fridge. This action causes me to stumble and we both end up tripping and fall into a heap, laughing uncontrollably on the kitchen floor. My can of beer cracks open with a pop, and beer is spewing everywhere, soaking the front of my Fucks High Sweat Shirt and the front of Mike's jeans. We continue to laugh and giggle so hard that I think I might pee my pants. Mike tries to get up but ends up slipping on the wet floor and he falls back down, this time on top of me, his right hand is planted firmly on my left boob. We are a laughing and shrieking, heap of crazy mess.

"Isabella?" I hear a velvety voice break through my laughter and Mike's snorts. "Isabella!" my stomach suddenly lurches as I fully register that he is here. "What the hell is going on here?"

My eyes make contact with a pair of golden eyes that are definitely NOT dead (Evidently Carlisle had a defibrillator in his little black bag)…no, they are flashing with questions and something else; accusations? Oh hell no, I think. He is NOT coming over here to break up with me and then act all pissed off when he sees me with another guy. I shove the still giggling Mike off of me and struggle to my feet. The trouble is I step into the puddle of beer that is pooling on the kitchen floor and as I stand I slip and fall hard, on my ass. I look up quickly and see Edward standing there in all his Vampire glory, pinching the bridge of his nose like he is smelling shit, and I lose it, I really do. I burst out laughing once again. He is still wearing his suit jacket from last night, though I notice he has changed into a pair of jeans. He looks ridiculously out of place in my tiny kitchen.

"Nothing is going on here, Edward," I say through my giggles. "Mike just came in for a quick beer." Mike is now up on his feet but his face is no longer laughing when he sees Edward's flashing glare.

"Uh, Bella…" Mike says uncertainly, "Ummm, maybe I'd better get going." He scoops up his can of beer and hands it to me. I take it and calmly walk over to the fridge and turn to Edward. I meet his eyes and steady my breathing.

"No, Mike." I say, never taking my eyes off Edward's face. "You, do NOT need to leave, you just got here." Edward's nostrils flare dangerously. My eyes meet his in challenge. I smirk; game on Cullen.

"Oh for God sakes, Edward lighten up, it's only a beer."

I decide to provoke him a bit.

"Want one?" I ask nonchalantly.

Edward looks at me stunned, he obviously hadn't seen any of this coming. I feel a surge of courage and grab the un-opened can of beer, pop the top and chug the entire can down in one fell swoop. I swipe my mouth with the back of my hand and let out a burp that would be worthy of a teenage boy who just won a pie eating contest. Mike doubles over laughing.

"That was awesome Bella." Edward looks at him in a black rage. Mike's laughter is immediately extinguished. He looks petrified.

Edward looks at me in disgust and I look him square in the eyes and smirk. I really am perfecting the art of smirking; of course I've had a great teacher.

"Bella!" he roars."I don't know what's gotten into you this afternoon but for the love of all that's holy, please get yourself together and meet me outside. We need to talk and Mike really needs to leave." As he says the last bit of his sentence I see him stalking menacingly towards the badly frightened Mike, who is now bolting through the kitchen and is heading for the door.

"Bella," I hear Mike squeak like a thirteen year old girl, "I'll see you Tuesday at school. Have a nice weekend!" And with that, Mike is gone. I can hear the tires of his Cheech and Chong mobile burning up the pavement as he peels down my street.

Edward turns slowly to me, his eyes now black as pitch and he says silkily, "I think you have some explaining to do, Isabella."

Huh? I've got some explaining to do? Who are you…Ricky Ricardo? My God, Rose was right; he IS an arrogant prick! And what's up with calling me Isabella all of a sudden? Even though my head is full of questions, I say nothing but continue to stare him down. I have never felt more in control or powerful in my life.

We stand there for a full minute just staring each other down. "Fine!" I finally snap at him. "But first I have to change my shirt." I scoop up the beer cans, throw them in the trash and leave Edward in a cloud of alcoholic haze.

I run as fast as I can up the stairs and head for my room, but of course he is faster and is already there sitting on the edge of my bed, staring at me. He looks puzzled. I give him a quick look and decided to up the ante; I lift my arms up and pull off my damp Fucks High sweatshirt and toss it on the floor.

If he looked puzzled before, he now looks downright dumbfounded. I stand before him in my too tight jeans and my second skin tank top and stretch and yawn. When I do this I notice that my gel filled brassiere has pushed my boobs up and over the top of my tank. I catch Edward's face peering at me and I tug the tank down even more. He deserves it. Humph!

"Isabella," he growls, "what are you wearing? Did you have the audacity to wear this to school today? Good lord, you look like a floozy." He is glaring at me and is pinching the bridge of his nose in typical Edward fashion.

A floozy?

Edward, 1918 called. They want their prude back. Sheesh!

I am really struggling not to laugh at this but it's hard because I am overwhelmed with emotions, plus I guzzled a can of beer and I admit I am a bit of a light weight when it comes to alcohol. Instead I give him a dirty look and am about to say something pithy when my cell phone rings in my pocket. I glance at the name quickly…it's Kyle, the freshman blue thong lover. I am about to answer it when Edward grabs it out of my hand and flips it open and answers it himself.

"Hello?" I hear his voice dangerously low speaking into the phone. "Who is this? Kyle… who?" He gives me a filthy look. "I'm sorry, but Bella isn't available now. Or any time in the near future. No, this is Edward…her boyfriend." He punctuates his speech sharply and is glaring at me at the same time. He snaps the phone shut and tosses it on the bed.

"Edward…what the HELL?" I give him a piercing look. "That's my phone you're answering, NOT yours. You have a lot of ner…"

"Bella," he cuts me off before I have a chance to get my words out. "What on earth is wrong with you today? And since when do you use such vulgar language? Honestly…I just cannot for the life of me comprehend where your mind is at; first the drinking and now the swearing. Not to mention your unseemly attire."

"Oh…is that a FACT?" I seethe between my teeth. "Well, maybe you don't really KNOW me then, Edward. Maybe, just maybe, you like the idea of me better than the real me. Maybe you should …"

Ring!

I grab my cell phone off the bed so fast that even Vamp-man doesn't have time to stop me.

It's Tyler.

"Why helloooo Tyler," I purr. "How are you? Why no…I don't have any plans this evening. Six O'clock…hmmm…I'll have to…"

Just then the phone is torn out of my hand and is tossed to the wall. I watch it smash into smithereens and I look at Edward in disbelief. Rather than say anything I casually strut over to the debris and bend over from my waist pooching my rear end in the tightest jeans Levi ever wove, and scoop the pieces up and toss them into my trash can. Then I let out a little laugh and I hear him inhale sharply. Heh-heh…I really am getting under his skin. Well played Bella.

I kick my shoes off and bend over to pick up the hooker heels that Alice left by the side of my rocking chair. But before I have the chance to scoop my shoes up, I feel a sharp sting on my lower back. I look over my shoulder and see Edward scowling at me with a piece of hyacinth blue lace in his hand. Oh great, he snapped the lace off of my thong…I turn around and snatch the blue lacey ribbon out of his ridiculously elegant hands. Oh, that DOES it!

"Edward, WHAT do you think you are doing?" I ask him furiously. I march past him and sit down on the edge of the bed and proceed to put my slut puppies on. I am clearly pissed and boy does it feel great!

"WHAT. AM. I. DOING?"

Even though it's phrased as a question it is more of an accusation. Edward is no longer looking puzzled, no he looks ferocious and for the first time in our relationship I am afraid of him. I shrink back a bit on my bed. He is standing directly in front of me and our knees are so close they are practically touching. Before I have a chance to act, Edward leaps on top of me and his arms form a cage over me. I look up at his impossibly beautiful face that is now in full hissing vampire mode, and gasp. The electric current that I felt between us last night is back, but this time it feels like Dr. Frankenstein pulled the lever. We are both jolted by the shock and the waves of lust that follow it. My fear is gone and is replaced by desire. I feel the wetness seep into my scanty panties. Edward's face is dangerously close; I can smell his cool breath and it is pure heaven, but his eyes are pure T hell. I reach up suddenly and grab his hair and pull his mouth down on mine and kiss him hard.

My action has caught him off guard and he moans deeply into my mouth and returns my kiss passionately. He settles down on top of me, using one hand to support himself on the bed so he doesn't crush me with his weight. His other hand is in my hair, pressing my face closer to his. I moan loudly, and my hands seem to have a will of their own and they begin to travel down his backside. They snake their way under his jacket and pull out the tails of his dress shirt. I can't believe the direction they take as they drop further down and start to stroke Edward's perfectly sculptured ass. Oh my God, I feel like I have died and gone to ass heaven. Suddenly Rosalie's words come back to me unbidden…"remember Bella…if you want Edward to stay, you have to seduce him. Seduce him Bella… Seduce him…Every nerve in my body is on fire and…

"Bella, STOP!"

I snap open my eyes and see the look of horror and shame cross his perfect features. My eyes begin to fill with tears as I realize that nothing has changed and we are going to have a repeat performance of last night and that he is here to break up with me and that I will be left with nothing more than a broken thong and a broken heart.

"Get…get…off of me!" I choke at him, swallowing my tears. I desperately try to regain my inner bitch who has apparently run off and is now cowering in the corner. I twirl my invisible lasso and snag her ass back; no way am I going into this scenario solo.

Edward jumps off of me and quickly straightens himself out. He removes his stupid jacket and tucks his shirt back in his trousers. He lays the jacket on the chair and turns to me then, his eyes are still dark and he is struggling to keep his breathing under control. Eventually he turns to me with a steely glare.

"Bella, we need to talk. I came here today to tell you something important." His face looks pained and I can already hear the departure in his words.

I cut him off with a look and an interruption. Let's do this thing, my inner bitch cries! I give him a look that I hope throws daggers at his ridiculously handsome face.

"Fine!" I spit out.

He looks at me startled; I have never really yelled at him before. I look back at him with an appraising eye. Yes, he has definitely lost his cool and as much as I dread the inevitable confrontation, I know it is now or never. I say a silent prayer to whatever god may be listening and take a deep cleansing breath.

"Let's take this outside." With that said, I leap off the bed and march down the stairs with my head held high and my kitten heels clacking.

I open the front door with a bang and head out towards the woods.

Whatever you do Bella; do NOT let him take you into the woods. Alice's words are ringing in my ear but I ignore them and continue to walk down the narrow path as fast as my ridiculous shoes will allow.

Besides, HE is NOT taking me into the woods.

I am taking HIM.