HBACSAPS: Part 4

ABOUT A YEAR LATER, AT BRATTY'S AND CATTY'S INAUGURAL TIEBREAKER SPEECH AT THE ENTRANCE TO THE WHITE HOUSE, OF WHICH ALPHYS AND UNDYNE HAD VOLUNTEERED AS SECURITY BODYGUARDS FOR TOTALLY NOT SECRET-PLAN-RELATED REASONS...

"America, let me, like, tell you and stuff; if there's one, I repeat, like, ONE freaking thing that I've, like, learned over the, like, course of the past year and junk, it's the fact that I'm really just, like, basically nothing more than a quite frankly, like, rather sad and stupid and pathetic, like, valley-girl stereotype and junk that has absolutely NO, like, redeeming qualifications or even, like, just basic personality traits and stuff that should be considered, like, anywhere even remotely, like, NEAR good enough to consider voting someone like me for like, president and stuff." Bratty explained devastatedly into her Republican microphone on the left side of the stage (well, at least from the audience's point of view, that is), struggling not to break down and cry as she reluctantly allowed Catty to have her next turn, hoping (and praying) desperately that the next thing to come out of the crazy-ass feline's mouth wasn't just going to be yet another giant, massive load of piss.

"Personally, I'll have y'all know that I, like, totally disagree and junk; you see, when you're dealing with something as totally, like, macho and gruff and serious and stuff as presidential elections, it's really just part of the, like, fun and stuff to not just make everything harmless fluff!" Catty explained, shrugging her shoulders nervously and having literally no idea what to say while everyone in the audience (along with her own incestual girlfriend Bratty) glared evilly and disgustedly at her, slowly and robotically clapping their hands in a soul-piercingly sarcastic YAAAY gesture.

"Well, you see, like, personally, I really don't understand what any of this, like, newfangled political junk is all about, or even what it is in general, but what I do know for a fact is that presidential, like, speeches and stuff are NOT about openly admitting and, like, totally embracing that you're the bad guy and junk! I mean, yeah, you're kind of supposed to, like, give out a little bit of your, like, political inside story and stuff, but regardless, at any rate, I'd have to, like, say and stuff that it really does, like, seriously PAY quite a lot to, like, know and stuff that not EVERY, like, villainous ruler in video games is a hateful evil bitch like Bowser or Ganondorf...sometimes, as it, like, actually pretty often turns out, they're really just like how most of us would turn after achieving ludicrous amounts of political power: surprisingly intelligent but horribly misguided, like visionaries and junk who simply want to cleanse the world of its overpowering, like, absolute shitstorm of appalling, like, filth and gunk!" Bratty looked straight down at her script and began ranting robotically and aimlessly into the microphone for as long as she could muster, taking a brief afterward pause to catch her breath and recover.

"Now, now, don't get TOO impressed; she was clearly just reading word-for-word verbatim right off of the script that I had written for her." Alphys whispered to Undyne as the two of them stood huddled together behind one of the White House entrance's ridiculously massive pillars.

"Shut it, Alphys, that's not important at all right now, nor is it what I currently have on my mind!" Undyne whispered back to Alphys while Bratty and Catty continued awkwardly ranting at their audience about how they clearly had no idea how to properly serve as presidents and had literally only made it into the election because of monetary reasons most thoroughly and preemptively outlined.

"Well then, what exactly IS on your surprisingly enigmatic and rather unsurprisingly fishy little mystery of a mind right now, might I ask?" Alphys asked Undyne eagerly, almost halfway expecting Undyne's plan to involve the two of them blowing up the entire building in Guy Fawkes masks and jet-black trenchcoats while the 1812 Overture played in the background all throughout their magnificently glorious political ass-kicking.

"You know, I'm not quite sure yet...wait a minute...Bowser...inside story...OH MY FREAKING NEPTUNE, THAT'S IT!" Undyne gasped in surprise as she suddenly realized what she and Alphys were inevitably going to end up having to do for almost undeniably obviously fetishistic reasons; say, did I mention yet that this entire story was literally written solely as an excuse for this ONE particular scene (and the Grinch song parody from the previous chapter) to happen?

"Alphys? Give me the shrink ray, preferably right now." Undyne stared intently at Catty's nice big funnel-shaped ears and flatly commanded Alphys, beckoningly outstretching her right hand toward the poor little lizard dork as she fumbled about in her pockets, pulled out what looked like an incredibly cheesy plastic laser-gun toy straight out of the dark money-grubbing commercial depths of the 1990s and reluctantly handed it to Undyne, already firmly anticipating and knowing very well EXACTLY what she was about to end up having simply no choice but to put herself through...and actually liking the idea of it an awful lot more than one would probably expect from your average (usually) borderline-insanely germaphobic weeaboo.

"Oh, dear...this isn't really what I think it's going to be, is it?" Alphys asked Undyne nervously, trembling with dreadful fear and anxiety as Undyne got out a magical drinking straw from her pocket.

"What's the matter, scaredy-cat? You've got a real big brain, you know...BUT NOW I'M AFRAID IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO SNEAK YOUR WAY INTO AN EVEN BIGGER ONE!" Undyne laughed uproariously as she shrunk Alphys to nearly microscopic size, magically inserted her into the straw, aimed directly for Catty's right ear (in other words, the one with the hoop earring on it) and shot her right out of it like a spitball from a cafeteria kid's mouth...or if you want to be a little less gross, an organically produced bullet from a gun.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Alphys squinted her eyes tightly shut and shrieked at the tops of her ever-loving lungs as she flew through the air at what felt like well over a solid thousand miles per hour, trying desperately not to look down as the entrance funnel of Catty's ear began to come into view. "God, if I don't make it through this, please tell my mother that I love her and she loves me...that we're a happy family..."

"With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you...won't you PLEASE say she loves me too?!" Alphys cried, reluctantly opening up her eyes and gulping loudly in fear as she flew straight into Catty's right ear canal, which of course was almost as filthy as a public restroom loo!

"OOF! OW! D'OH! OUCH! GAH! YICK! EWW! YUCK!" Alphys winced repeatedly in pain and disgust as she ricocheted (like a bouncy ball) numerous times off of the slimy, filthy, fungus-growing, earwax-coated walls of Catty's right ear canal.

"Seven score and four years ago...oh God, Catty got a freaking nasty bug in her ear and couldn't get it out! SOMEBODY HELP ME FOR GOD'S SAKE!" Catty screamed in horror, suddenly feeling Alphys' presence VERY acutely as the audience began to hear the cartoonish noise of pots and pans clanging about in her head while Alphys accidentally flew right past her brain into her other ear and immediately realized at that very moment that she had made a GIGANTIC mistake!

"Oh, FUCK me, I somehow forgot that it was LITERALLY in one ear and out the other with these two!" Alphys screamed for dear life as the light at the beginning of Catty's left ear tunnel came prominently into view.

"OUT, OUT! DAMNED STUPID ANNOYING LITTLE INSECT!" Catty yelled angrily, tilting her head downward and sideways so that her right ear was directly facing the ground and unknowingly saving Alphys' sad and miserable life in the process.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA!" Alphys screamed in terror, her adrenaline kicking into overdrive as she fell all the way back down through Catty's left and right ears (in that order, naturally) and desperately clung onto her hoop earring for dear life, gloriously successfully taking an opportunity that generally only came once in perhaps MAYBE a hundred years.

"Ah, good riddance!" Catty laughed as she saw the huge glob of wax that she had just pounded out from her ears lying unassumingly on the ground, immediately assumed that it had the bug in it and stomped on it with her bare unwashed foot, much to the chagrin (and absolute disgust) of the audience.

"Well, here goes NOTHING..." Alphys sighed hopelessly to herself as she swung back and forth from Catty's earring and released her grip on it at just the right time, sending herself plummeting straight back down into Catty's cavernous, gaping ear at terminal velocity!

"Man, if I could literally DIE of embarrassment and disgust right now, I probably would..." Alphys sighed internally as she tumbled straight down the massive fleshy slope of Catty's right ear canal like a big yellow snowball, getting completely covered from head to toe with gooey, sticky, hairy, smelly wax along the way as she desperately struggled not to throw up, trying as hard as she possibly could.

"Alright, kitty-cat, I'd say it's about HIGH TIME that someone else stepped in and took control for once! Sure hope you don't mind the physical and emotional PAIN!" Alphys chuckled grimly as she dizzily got back up onto her feet and gazed blankly with her lower jaw firmly agape in a mixture of awe-inspiring wonderment and profound confusion at Catty's impossibly large brain.

"And you see, in order for us to properly move forward as a country, we need to find a way to wall ourselves off from terrorists and people that don't agree with my ideas so that we no longer have to deal with them anymore...actually, wait a second, hold that thought, I've got some GOLD-DIGGING to do!" Catty embarrassedly addressed the audience as she rudely shoved her finger deep into her nose (right in front of a freaking New-York-City-sized public audience, no less) and magically extended it all the way into her brain room!

"OH NO, YOU DON'T! Not THIS time, stupid freaking anime tentacles!" Alphys laughed snidely as she deftly sidestepped out of the way of Catty's finger right in the nick(elodeon) of time, causing Catty to accidentally shove her finger right into her frontal lobe and effectively paralyze herself, giving Alphys ample time to climb up onto her arm and go straight for the kill.

"Man, talk about making something go as utterly VIRAL as Game Theory giving Undertale to the freaking Pope!" Alphys snickered triumphantly as she carefully sprinted her way up Catty's outstretched index finger and used her razor-sharp claws to tunnel straight into the poor kitten's extremely sensitive frontal lobe.

"My opponent is a liar and a fraud and cannot be- OH, DEAR GOD, THE PAIN! THE UNBEARABLY AGONIZING PAIN! IT HURTS! IT HURTS! IT HURRRRRRTS!" Catty screamed in dreadfully agonizing internal pain, regaining the ability of movement just in time to kneel down on the floor and clutch her head in helpless agony as waterfalls of pain-induced tears ran down her painfully wincing face.

(Luckily, however, her brain tissue magically regenerated itself immediately afterward, so it wasn't really that big of a problem...at least not YET, that is. Just wait until you read the following series of words.)

"Oh my, what an awfully nice and spacious BRAIN you've got here, even though it's collected what would normally be considered somewhere around twenty years' worth of dust!" Alphys plopped her butt right down on the strongly office-chair-resembling pilot seat of Catty's central control supercomputer, violently sneezing all over the dashboard and whipping out her mind-reading device to find out what the password for logging into the computer itself was.

"Wow, she's even more fucking birdbrained than I thought..." Alphys thought disappointedly to herself, shaking her head in dismay as she literally typed out the phrase LIKEPASSWORDANDSTUFF onto the password screen in all-caps and hit the Enter key, surprisingly not for naught.

"HOO, boy, so many wonderful options and opportunities scattered right in front of me..." Alphys drooled at the mouth, her S&M boner(s) intensifying greatly. "Ooh, what does THIS button do, I wonder?!" she spastically squealed in a fit of pure childlike joy and curiousity as she violently slammed her finger onto one of Catty's numerous quick-command buttons with the force of a vicious bolt of thunder.

"Alright, stay calm, audience, PLEASE don't flip out on me! Trust me, EVERYTHING'S going to be perfectly al- MY OPPONENT IS A LIAR AND A FRAUD AND HAS UGLY HAIR AND CANNOT BE TRUSTED." Catty explained robotically, her eyes suddenly changing from dots into dizzily rotating swirls.

"Hey, at least I'm actually putting, like, REAL CONSCIOUS EFFORT into my political goal of making, like, everyone in the entire freaking nation absolutely DESPISE me and junk!" Bratty snapped right back at Catty like the bratty, snapping crocodile she always was...the little punk.

"Ooh, how about THIS one?! Or THIS one?! Or perhaps even THIS one?!" Alphys laughed dementedly as she began wildly pushing several randomly selected ones of Catty's buttons all at once without any rhyme or reason whatsoever; if it wasn't already completely obvious at this point, let me just say right now that she was clearly having WAY too much freaking fun.

"In honor of the blessed goodwill of all of America's people, I as potential future President of the United Underground States assure you all that from this point onward, Bratty is a putrid, festering, skanky, reprehensibly manipulative and dishonest little bitch with farty pants!" Catty growled angrily at Bratty, clenching her teeth tightly and foaming rabidly at the mouth.

"Oh, yeah? Well, in the name of all that is proud and respectable utilitarian citizen justice and equality, YOU'RE a fucking fat, rotten, stinky little poopy-headed Jew-whore that treats her country as if she had a goddamned SWASTIKA lodged in her FRONTAL LOBE, not to mention her RUMP!" Bratty hatefully snapped back at her, jumping up and down like a five-year-old kid...or in more annoyingly popular and overused terms, a SEVENTY-five-year-old Donald Trump.

"Oh, YEAH?! Well YOU'RE a scrawny, ridiculously shallow, downright fucking psychopathic little goddamned child in a full-grown woman's body that apparently, evidently can't even be BOTHERED to grow a fucking PAIR! You're a freaking electoral fungus with cotton-candy hair! NOW GET THE FUCK OVER HERE BEFORE YOUR ROTTEN-ASS INFLUENCE GETS TO THIS STINKING COUNTRY, YOU GODDAMNED TAX-INCREASING, EGOMANIACAL, BIGOTED WHORE!" Catty roared ferociously, pouncing right onto Bratty and tackling her onto the floor.

"Sister, let me tell you something RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW; the absolute LAST thing that America, I mean the Underground, needs right now is a fucking vote-manipulating, rule-breaking, truth-exaggerating, boyfriend-cheating, lard-assed BIMBO like yourself!" Bratty ranted angrily at Catty as the two of them violently clawed, scratched and punched each other in their faces while rolling furiously back and forth.

"You know, I actually COULD very easily state the exact same things about YOU, minus the whole LARD-ASS part!" Catty jeered menacingly at Bratty, poking her right in the eyes with her fingers and doing it so incredibly hard that it actually caused fountains of blood to gush from both of them in what could only be adequately described as a work of modern hemophilic art.

"OH MY GOD, MY FUCKING EYES! YOU GODDAMNED BITCH, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY DO THIS TO YOUR OWN FUCKING COUNTRY'S BEAUTIFUL EYESIGHT?!" Bratty cried and screamed in agony, covering her eyes with her hands and whimpering in pain as Catty pinned her face-up and stationary onto the floor while she desperately struggled to even remember her left and right.

"Man, ain't this whole candidacy just an absolute CAT-astrophe?" Alphys joked sassily and snarkily, leaning back in her chair, planting her feet on the dashboard of Catty's central control system, holding (and twirling) her speech-control microphone like a glass of wine and glaring sensually at the audience in a way that simply could not be done proper justice through artistic means as primitive and archaic as text. "Come on, take a WILD guess what's going to happen next!"

"Well, what do you know? Looks like I really have going to have to literally slip in under the country's NOSE after all, just like what supposedly happened a few timelines ago between Alphys and a certain psychotic FLOWER!" Undyne laughed, gagging a little from the mere thought of it as she shrunk herself to (again) nearly microscopic size with the shrink ray and charged straight toward Bratty at what felt like a thousand-and-a-half solid miles per hour.

"YOU! WON'T! WIN! THIS ELECTION! IN A MILLION FUCKING YEARS, ASSHOLE!" Catty roared ferociously at Bratty, punching her in the face left and right until blood was splattered all over her feline, ring-bearing knuckles.

"Hey, I'm freaking Keemstar; let's go INTO THE NOOOOOSE!" Undyne laughed triumphantly as she climbed up onto Bratty's beaten, battered, (makeup) bleeding face and dived right into her left nostril in a graceful dolphin pose!

"Oh god, it's another one of those, like, fucking brainwashing bugs and this time I can literally feel it, like, crawling right up my goddamned nose and stuff! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME BEFORE I GO COMPLETELY, LIKE, FUCKING INSANE AND STUFF?!" Bratty cried and screamed in horror, collapsing face-down and completely flat onto the floor as Catty mock-sympathetically let go of her, wrapped her right arm around her long and slender legs and began tickling her dainty little soles with the left while Undyne followed Alphys' nightmarishly sadistic example and used her razor-sharp claws to tunnel her way right through Bratty's frontal lobe and into her completely defenseless brain, making sure to be tear-jerkingly rough.

"GWAHAHAHAUUGGGHHH! GODDA-HA-HA-HAMNIT, I FUCKING GIVE UP, OKAY-HAY-HAY? I REALLY DON'T WANNA BE PREH-HEH-HEH-SIDENT ANYMO-HO-HO-HORE, I JUST WANT THIS ABSOLUTE TORMENT TO STAH-HAH-HAH-HAHP ONCE AND FOR AWW-HAW-HAW-HAWL! IS THAT REALLY TOO MUCH TO AH-HA-HA-HASK, GUY-HY-HY-HUYS?" Bratty screamed and cried in a fit of unbelievably agonizing pain and ticklishness as Catty began licking her extremely sensitive feet like a dog while Undyne's claws shredded her central nerve endings into razor-sharply stinging shreds; honestly, however, she kind of deserved it after her entire candidacy of mostly nothing but pure, unadulterated, un-adult-worthy hatred and lies.

"Undergroundians watching this right now, I beg you: run for your lives! GET THE FUCK OUT HERE BEFORE THIS GETS ANY WORSE- my, MY, you fat little SLUT that's been utterly RUINING our country's bodily image for the past goddamned YEAR now; what incredibly big BREASTS you possess!" Bratty got up onto her feet and desperately attempted to warn the audience before she suddenly went all swirly-eyed and began creepily advancing toward Catty with overwhelmingly strong implications of overwhelmingly obvious intentions of lesbian incest.

"BACK THE HELL OFF, MA'AM!" Catty sneered lividly at Bratty, threateningly brandishing a toothbrush that she had presumably literally pulled right out of her ass (pockets). "DON'T MAKE ME USE THIS AS A SYMBOLIC REPRESENTATION OF WHAT THE VAST MAJORITY OF KIDS IN AMERICA, I MEAN THE UNDERGROUND, NEED TO FREAKING DO MORE OFTEN, YOU FUCKING RONALD MCDONALD TRAMP!"

"You dare challenge the omnipotent, all-powerful wrath of the Underground's most powerful and respectable ruler in all of recorded history? Well then, I suppose I shall inevitably have to freaking KILL, I mean RAPE you to death, Catty!" Bratty hissed like a big black snake at Catty, creeping seductively towards her like a Michael Jackson zombie.

"YOU! FORCED ME TO USE IT!" Catty yelled furiously, (publicly) pulling her legwear down, thrusting her toothbrush forcefully into her vagina and vigorously brushing the grating, irritating sand out of it.

"Goddamnit, Catty, you've been violently, mercilessly tearing this formerly proud and respected nation's entire government, economic and military structures apart from the inside out for considerably MORE than long enough! NOW DIE, MOTHERFUCKER, BEFORE I PERSONALLY SYMPHONIZE YOU WITH THE FUCKING NIGHT!" Bratty wiped the blood off of her face with her tattered sleeve and roared furiously at Catty, grabbing the east-side Underground flag off of the presidential speaking stage and preparing to swing it with all of her rage-induced might.

"I don't even know what the hell that fucking phrase is supposed to mean, but what I do know is that the only reason you even got approved into this godforsaken election in the FIRST fucking place is because I, I mean Alphys, had a metric shit-ton of fucking FRAUDULENTLY ACQUIRED money and was dealing with moderators that were more than likely mentally UNSOUND!" Catty spat disgustedly as she reflexively ducked underneath Bratty's devastating horizontal swing, grabbing the stage's west-side Underground flag for herself as half of the entire star-spangled backdrop of the stage shattered into pieces and collasped onto the ground.

"Again, I could very easily say the exact same thing about YOU, you goddamned racist, man-hating, holier-than-thou son of a bitch's pulsating, bloated, festering, sweaty, pus-filled, malformed CUNT!" Bratty yelled infuriatedly at Catty as she lifted her flagpole behind her back and readied herself to bring it thunderously crashing down on top of the lard-assed little runt.

"Oh yeah, YOU sure are one to fucking talk, Little Miss Special Fucking Snowflake That Gets To Have All Of The Goddamned Media Coverage To Herself Because She's A Goddamned Pestilent, Rotten, Impudent, Insolent, Bratty Piece Of FUCKING TRASH!" Catty growled and roared angrily as she lunged forward onto the east side of the stage and sidestepped Bratty's earth-shaking, west-side-of-the-stage-shattering vertical smash.

"You won't be able to fucking talk shit anymore once I've shattered your fucking JAW into smithereens, now WILL you, jerkwad?!" Catty continued yelled incessantly at Bratty as she spun around counterclockwise and delivered a massive horizontal smash to the crocodile's face, knocking out five (yes, FIVE) of her teeth, causing her to drop her flagpole (which then fell onto the east side of the stage and shattered IT into miniscule pieces as well) and sending her careening straight into the loudly cheering audience, who then proceeded to...AHEM...drain their lizards all over her dizzied, nearly unconscious, lying-flat-and-face-up-on-the-ground bod.

"Oh, dearie me, such utterly RUDE and naughty behavior! Very unbecoming of our so-called 'proud and respectable citizens' if I do say so myself, wouldn't you boys agree?" Alphys put her left hand up onto her mouth, used Catty's central manual joystick to walk her over to where Bratty was laying with her right, and giggled embarrassedly as she watched the hilariously degrading spectacle happen onscreen.

"Damnit, I STILL can't beat that fucking woman in an argument, and I actually AM a woman myself, and I find this incredibly fucking offensive, brain, WOULD YOU PLEASE FUCKING STOP IT ALREADY?!" Undyne moaned and groaned in frustration, folding her arms over her chest and frowning irritatedly as Bratty's neural feeding pipe showered her with hot, smelly synthetic piss substance, already thoroughly convincing her that this game had an even crazier fucking fandom than Five Nights At Freddy's.

"THIS is for being a total freaking assoholic cunt-nugget all goddamned year, you fucking obstinate, blithering, comically incompetent media-attention whore!" Catty laughed triumphantly as she grabbed Bratty by the tail and began rapidly swinging her around and around in circles in a fashion that totally did not look overwhelmingly familiar to anyone who had played Super Mario 64.

"And THIS is for shamelessly ripping off the absolute worst American president of all time, you sick cheeky fuck!" Catty laughed snarkily as she finally let go of the poor alligator's tail (oh, I'm sorry, have I been jokingly calling her a crocodile? There's really not much of a difference, you know) and hurled her straight into the east side of the presidential stage backdrop, busting a huge alligator-shaped hole right through it as Catty poured gasoline onto what little was left of the once-glorious-and-grandiose presidential stage and set the whole damned pile on fire, proving once and for all that THIS country was officially shit out of luck.

"Do...do you seriously STILL expect me to fucking continue talking right out of my stupid shitty ass about how 'the fate of the entire nation now rests upon one single person' and various other presidential clichés that neither of us even understand the true fucking significance of?" Bratty exhaustedly asked Catty, coughing up blood and writhing in agony as Catty dragged her (by the tail) right up in front of the speechless, jaw-agape, utterly disbelieving audience and gently yet forcefully removed every single article of clothing that the two of them were wearing with love.

"No no no, Miss Bratty, I expect you to CRY as you suddenly realize that all this time, the only goddamned thing that your freaking stupid good-for-nothing JOKE of a campaign was EVER really good for in the first place was to prove how much of a goddamned shallow, putrid ASSHOLE you are...just the type of shallow, putrid asshole that my dick needs inserting into, so I strongly suggest that you COMPLY...that is, unless you want to fucking DIE!" Catty teasingly whispered and angrily hissed into Bratty's ear in a manner most seductively deft, playing faux-lovingly with her half-real, half-fake hair as she reached down her fluffy, sexily curved feline body and grabbed her already rapidly hardening inbred cock with her right hand and teased over her furry bellybutton with her left.

"OH, JESUS CHRIST, I CAN EXPLAIN, I CAN EXPLAIN!" Alphys screamed in a fit of panic, hastily removing her right hand from her frontally bulging underwear, pulling her labcoat and underwear back down (and up) over her crotch and covering it humiliatedly as she intently looked down at the floor of Catty's brain while Undyne almost-as-intently did the same with Bratty's considerably smaller and less wrinkly brain.