Note: Wow, thank you so much for all your kind words for part three! They really mean a lot to me. This part was headed in several different directions and it wasn't until I had a stroke of genius and changed things around completely. Just so you know, this was supposed to end completely differently. I can't decide who influenced me more, Scarlett or Rhett. So thank you and here is part four!
"So the rumors are true."
His voice was like Sherman's fire. It was as if she hadn't heard anyone speak, even herself, since after Rhett had left them stranded that night so long ago. Everyone else's words had always seemed so unimportant. Even little Beau had never truly broken through her fog, no matter the love and affection she felt for the little boy. Scarlett was curious as to why this was, but paid hardly any mind, choosing to focus on Rhett's swaying drunkenness instead.
He spoke in slurs as he advanced towards her. She didn't move away from the front door, but planted her bare feet instead, forcing herself to wait and see what this scoundrel had to say to her. Oh, for she did think him a scoundrel and the most hateful man in existence. As much as she blamed herself for Melly's death, she blamed this man ten times more. For it is always easier to place blame on other people rather than our own selves.
He looked entirely changed from the last time she had seen him. His middle was thicker, his face a little bloated, his eyes red and bloodshot. He had let his hair grow so that it looked unkempt, while he hadn't bothered at all with his facial hair. It all made him look like a convict, all the more swarthy and crazed.
Scarlett refused to respond to his words. They were so quiet that they were frightening to her. But she did look at him straight on. Something she hadn't done to anyone, save for Beau and Wade, in the past several years. It was easier with Rhett for a reason unknown to her, something she couldn't put her finger on. And his words, so slurred and brief they were, almost brought back the fire in her eyes, the fire that had gone out of them and seemed to be lost forever. And yet, still she would not respond. No matter the feelings he evoked in her. She had not spoken to anyone more than necessary in the past three years and he certainly did not deserve her words.
He finally reached her, but could barely stand straight at all, so heavily affected by his drunkenness. Placing a hand on the house and next to Scarlett's face, he attempted to steady himself. He was too close for any sort of decency, and she opened her mouth to tell him so, poised to eagerly snap in his face, but stopped suddenly, reminding herself that she would not speak to this mongrel. Despite his intoxicated state, he noticed her halted words and could not help but smirk, laughing lightly in her face.
"Speechless, my dear? My face looked a trifle similar when I heard my dearest was alive and well."
No, no, no! She would not take his bait. And how sarcastic and cutting his bait was! Her eyes would not reveal her true feelings and she would remain as dead as she had been the past three years. She would! No matter the strength it took! She looked down and away from his piercing gaze. Turned to move away but he pulled her back. His hands burned her as much as his gaze and words had, but she could not move and simply stopped trying.
"Look at me, Scarlett." Clumsily he tucked his other hand under her chin, forcing her to meet his gaze. "God, to see those eyes right here and to know they are not a part of my imagination. Do you know how often – no, no you wouldn't know. You've been a bit too busy faking your own death, haven't you? Did it feel good to raise Melanie's child all by yourself? Or shall we call the child Ashley's? As you surely did."
She slapped his cheek then. A loud crack that felt like fire underneath her palm, her pride the only thing keeping her from rubbing it tenderly. Rhett hardly reacted at all, didn't even move back an inch. Only moved his hand from under her chin and rubbed the spot, but in such a queer matter. He breathed out an 'ah' and smirked slightly. Scarlett might be unwilling to speak with words, but surely Rhett could understand the hateful words bubbling behind the sting of a slap. Blinking back her tears, she moved against his grip again, anger pinching her brow together and screwing her mouth shut. Scarlett would not stand such words from him. Especially from him.
"Wait," and this was said softer and with much more sadness. Why, his voice was actually tender. "By God, I didn't come here to hurt you. It's been three years, Scarlett. Three long years since – and I'm sorry. I'm sorry, my love, for leaving you and Melly on that road that night. I knew all the danger and yet I did it anyway and it wasn't – well, just look at what happened."
Scarlett looked down once more, fighting to keep the tears at bay. She had held them back for so long, she could do it once more. But Rhett was forcing her chin up once again and his hands were on her arm and for God's sake she was only in her nightclothes and a wrapper, but still, the tears came and she could not stop them. "Scarlett, speak to me. Let me hear your voice."
And so suddenly, without warning, she remembered seeing him. Maybe it was this sudden softness that had come so quickly after his meanness. Maybe it was his face so close to hers. Maybe it was the fire she felt with his hands on her. She didn't quite know, but she remembered. All those years ago, when she had leaned against that unknown tree in the middle of nowhere and had seen what she described as heaven, she had seen him. He had been the one to lead her out of that heaven, the man she followed, leaving everyone she had ever known behind. Features softening at such a realization, more tears streaked down her face. With her lip shuddering and her voice croaking, she finally spoke.
"I can't," she whispered brokenly. "I can't speak anymore because that would make me feel. And I don't want to feel anymore, Rhett. Not when everything I've ever known and loved has died. I can't be that person you once knew and I can't – I can't – I just can't!" She sobbed openly, her eyes wide with pain he had brought to the surface. Feelings she had buried so deep inside for so long.
He sighed, but didn't back away. It didn't occur to Scarlett that they were standing on Aunt Pitty's porch, surrounded by sleeping neighbors. Nothing but Rhett's sobering face were seen, nothing but his hands felt, nothing but his voice heard. She hadn't felt so alive in so very long and it was thrilling and terrifying all at once. But as suddenly as the remembering had come, it was ripped away. She stopped sobbing and looked at him without bothering to wipe away the tears and the tracks they made.
"You left us, Rhett. You left us and – and… Do you even understand?" Her voice broke and she could only whisper her last words, "I saw Melly dead, Rhett! And Tara, and Mother… they're gone. Oh!" And then suddenly she was stronger. Her hatred fueled her and her eyes crackled once more. It was if she herself suddenly remembered that very desolate feeling of being alone and scared with hardly life left in her body. Of seeing her dear friend dead, of not being able to find Wade, of clutching Beau in her arms and fearing him dead as well, living in silence, feeling so dead inside. And it was his fault. She scrubbed at her cheeks furiously and almost forgot to keep her voice at a low volume when she spoke next. "You – you! Get your hands off of me, you skunk!"
He shrank back from her, recoiling as if he had been struck once more, his eyes flickering to a darker shade at her words. He had seen fury in her eyes. Oh, on occasion he had purposely put it there for his own amusement! But he had never seen her eyes looking like that. Or at least, never looking at him in such a way. The past years had hardened her and though it was more difficult to see through the haze of alcohol, he could still see it. Scarlett, so thin and pale, with such a defeated heartbreak weighing upon her shoulders, truly hated him. A million and one retorts danced upon his tongue in a fury, but he dared not speak them. There were words however, that also danced upon his tongue and slid to his lips almost unconsciously. He would blame the alcohol for this later, would blame anything and everything all at once. But it didn't stop him.
"I love you."
And at the same time, neither without abandon nor with delay, Scarlett's own words rushed from her mouth.
"I hate you."
Each truth spoken aloud was much too much for either of the listeners. Scarlett couldn't seem to get enough air, gulping and blinking her eyes rapidly. Loved her? Why, she had expected as much during the war, but she had never heard him speak so truthfully and without any control. And for his confession to come at such a time? A time when Scarlett could hardly feel a thing? Oh, and yet at the same time, a cruelty was rising. She had him now. She could hurt him more than he had hurt her. If she wanted, she could leave him heartbroken and forever ruined. But it was so strange. As if all her hatred for him suddenly fell away. Yes, she had hated him while up North and at the same time, sometimes she thought it was the only thing that kept her alive.
Rhett shrank even further back from her words. She had never seen him looking so defeated. It was then that she realized how dead he was and how much he had invested in her words. Why, he was almost like Ashley! Oh, no. He was almost like her! What had happened to all of them? Oh, what had happened to the entire world after that dreadful war? And why had it taken her so long to realize it?
Her mind and heart were playing tug of war with another. Her mind screaming at her to remember, remember! On the side of the road! Just how much pain you suffered. But her heart remembered the heaven he had been a part of. It asked her to remember seeing him walk away and not being able to follow and just how much it had hurt her. No! No! She would not fall into his trap once more. She knew; she knew he did not love her. Not after all that had happened. Her mind was satisfied with it's sudden victory and Scarlett let it lead her into the next attack.
"Love me? Be serious, Rhett! You abandoned me and my kin on the side of the road, in the middle of nowhere! Melly died and it was your entire fault. And I can never forgive you for such a thing. You're a cad who doesn't care for anyone but himself. And it'll never change, you drunken fool! You're heartless. And I never want to see you again." She spit out these words as if they were poison, lying there on her tongue. Forgot about anything but her hatred for him. The hatred that had been bubbling up inside of her for years and now, she could finally say them all. It would not hurt her reputation to upbraid this man, for she did not care any longer. She did not care about anything in the world, especially not Rhett Butler.
"You don't love me," she repeated. "You've never loved anything in this world." His face and eyes suddenly clouded, as if a dark storm was brewing underneath his expression, but she was not afraid. There was nothing left in the world that scared Scarlett O'Hara any more. "Get off this porch. You are not welcome here."
Instead, he moved towards her, eyes suddenly lit with something indiscernible. It seemed as if all the alcohol had miraculously evaporated from his system and he was in complete control once more. Back to fight their battle again, no matter how much it took from him. "You can try, my dear Mrs. Hamilton, but you will never be able to get rid of me. Not in a lousy three years and certainly not now when you are finally back. You think you can just stand there and deny what it is I know you feel for me? I wasn't the only one involved in that incident beside the side of the road back on that night, Scarlett. You wanted me. You wanted me more than you have ever wanted any other man, even your darling little Ashley."
"Oh, just shut your mouth! What happened on that road was nothing and you would be so much unlike a gentleman to mention it again! If you had any sense at all – "
"You know that I am no gentleman. And you are certainly no lady. Not even after all these years of silence and repentance for the sin you can hardly live with. You aren't the only one, Scarlett; you aren't the only one who has had to live with their guilt."
"Am I to suspect that you have also lived with the heavy burden of guilt over these years, Rhett Butler? Well you can save your words because I know you haven't missed me. Why, you were probably happy I was dead so I wouldn't tell all of Atlanta what you did that very night and how much you contributed to Melly's death. We all know just how much more your reputation can take."
His eyes grew even darker and suddenly he was closer than ever, arms wrapped around her shoulders. "You heartless, uncaring thing! You accuse me of being unfeeling – you accuse me of not caring. You're the cruel one, my pet, and God have I missed it. I love you, God knows why, and I won't leave this porch until you believe it."
She opened her mouth to protest, but his was on hers before she knew what was happening. Refusing at first, his gruff hair unkind against her smooth skin, she pushed against him. But he persisted and suddenly she was aflame against him. No, she could not deny the connection she felt with this man; no matter how hard she tried to reject it. He kissed her unlike any other and it warmed every bit of her body, from the very tips of her toes to the top of her head. His hands caressed her shoulders and arms and neck, so that it felt like his hands were everywhere all at once. Her wrapper was too thin and no match for his moistened lips. Breathless and flustered, she was not the one to stop the kiss and was almost disappointed when he pulled away. There was no crying Wade to stop them now, no city burning in the near distance, but even in Rhett's state, he knew he could not continue. Instead, he pulled back but did not remove his hands. Tilted her face upwards and rested his cheek against hers, his mouth so near her lobe.
"Deny it," he whispered, softly speaking against her ear. "Deny what you feel for me and you'll never have to see me again." He sucked her lobe, dragging it softly against his teeth before pulling completely back and looking into her eyes.
Rhett had never seen her looking like this. Her cheeks were crimson and flushed, but not nearly as red as her mouth. She was breathing hard, her hands hidden fists in her wrapper, body coiled like a spring. But what made him so close to not stopping were her eyes. They were greener than he had ever seen them, blazing and burning with color. They were hazy and languid and unfocused. She looked feverish and sick, but he knew that certainly wasn't the case and almost smirked, but hid this from her, knowing it might set her off.
"I don't." She gasped out after some time. Oh, and now her heart was singing with it's victory!
"You don't what?" And he couldn't help but smirk openly then, for she had unconsciously pulled him closer. "Just say it, Scarlett. Just say it and I'll leave you forever. If that's what you want."
"I don't know what I want. I hate you, but I want you. And oh, don't look at me like that," for he had raised his eyebrows, "I'm not afraid to say it. You forget that I'm not afraid of anything anymore, lest of which my words. Yes, I want you. You make me feel more alive than any man I've ever known – " He moved down to kiss her again at these words, but she stopped him forcefully. "But Rhett, this… us. Why, I suspect you'd want me for your mistress and I will never do such a thing... no matter how much you kiss me."
"Didn't you hear me, Scarlett? I love you. Three years can seem like an eternity when the person you love is presumed dead. That night I asked you to be my mistress was at a different time. You weren't dead then, were you? It's different now. I'm different now."
"It doesn't change it! You think it's just so easy to say sorry and kiss me and make me feel and all is forgiven! It doesn't work that way."
"Then all you have to do is say those words. That's all it'll take, my dear." But by the way his eyes were suddenly so open and sincere, she knew she couldn't say those words or at least, she couldn't say those words and actually mean them. She had never seen him looking so open, not once in all the years she had known him. And it hurt.
"I suspect… I…" she bit her lip for she knew no words could hide her feelings any longer. She was like an open book to him and there was no use closing up now. Her crackling eyes were suddenly dead, for she was forced to look at her true fate. Gathering her breath, she continued quickly, trying to get out all the words at once. "Ashley will most likely propose to me in the next few weeks. You see… it isn't proper living in this house together even if Aunt Pitty is here. And I suppose it's the right thing since, well, I've basically raised Beau and he's like a son to me and then there's Wade and… I'd have to say yes. So it doesn't matter. What your kisses make me feel or what I can't say to you! It doesn't matter!"
"Ah," and he sucked in a breath, his eyes closing suddenly, "So it is Ashley Wilkes then. You still love him."
"But I don't!" And hot tears spilled along her cheeks once more. It was all too much to feel all these feelings in a matter of moments and she felt she could hardly stand under all this sudden new pressure. "I don't love him any more, Rhett. I've never loved him really. But this is what must be done. For Beau and for Wade. And there's nothing we can do!"
"What about you? Isn't your happiness worth something? Darling, there's always a way to fix things. We can fix this." And he wiped her tears with his thumb tenderly. Bent down to kiss her softly. But she pushed him away, denied his comfort.
"You just can't see what you've done, can you? If none of this had happened, if you hadn't left me on that road, everything could be different. Now I'll be stuck until the last of my days! Stuck with someone I don't love, feeling dead. And that's what you'll have until the last of your days as well, Rhett. The burden of knowing things could have been different but aren't and will never be; the burden of knowing what you've done.
"Oh, I won't tell all of Atlanta what you did that night on the side of the road. Leaving a sick woman, children, a useless slave, and me all alone. No. I feel as if this will be enough punishment for the both of us."
She turned then, wrestled herself out of his grasp and opened Pitty's screen. He clutched at her hand and she stopped for a moment reveling in what his touch did to her, tried to remember the feeling so she could keep it until her very last moments, but eventually she tugged her palm out of his grasp. "Scarlett," he said once, but then was silent. She left Rhett Butler standing alone on that porch. Alone. Scarlett and Rhett, both so very alone until the last of their days. And there wasn't a thing either of them could do about it.