He Said Start at the Beginning

Castle has solved her mother's murder. He presented her with the answers knowing the cost. He knew to do so was to lose her. She runs to Dr. Burke to help decide where to go from here.

I am thankful to not own or contribute in any way to the characters of Castle. AM produces a show created with characters of greater depth than are normally allowed on TV…I would hate to have the responsibility to main the quality of the show week to week.

Kate looked at the floor. On the verge of tears she looked up at Dr. Burke and said, "You know I misjudged him at the hospital. I think I almost lost him that time. He was so hurt and angry at the book signing. When I handed him the book and asked him to make it out to Kate, I could see him fighting the anger. He signed it. 'To Det. Beckett, an inspiration to us all. Rick Castle. ' There were no terms of endearment. He didn't use my name though I asked for it. I didn't realize he thought I had brushed him off with the smallest of goodbyes. I had died in front of him and then pushed him away. Who does that to their friend? To the one they love? I didn't even tell him I heard him. I gave him nothing at all that day other than blame, pain and rejection."

Kate walked over to the window and watched sun begin to set on her city.

"Why don't you think how you should answer that one? Who does do that to their lover? We can talk about your answers when you feel that you have an answer you can live with."

Chapter 4

Kate's Apartment Friday Evening (3 days later)

Lanie wrapped on Kate's door with the heel of her shoe. "I thought you said you wanted a girls' night?"

Kate opened it to be face to face with a large number of bags burying the medical examiner. Kate laughed at how ridiculous she looked.

"Lanie there are 2 people here, not 10. We aren't feeding a village."

"No, we are feeding 5 people. Javi, Kevin and Jenny will arrive shortly for dinner. Then, Jenny is going to a meeting she has scheduled that is walking distance of here and the boys will be off the watch the Nicks. I bought Javi the tickets so it wouldn't look like I was kicking him out. The boys wanted it to be an all couples night at the Old Haunt. I didn't think that sounded like a good idea."

Kate quietly agreed and was feeling apprehensive about having the couples come to dinner with no real announcement, not to mention how explosive Lanie tended to be around Jenny.

Before Kate had a chance to question anything, Esposito walked in the door carrying another bag. They had bought dinner at a nearby Italian restaurant. Esposito had stopped to pick up a few bottles of wine to go with their dinner.

"Yo, Beckett, where do you keep your wine glasses so we can set this table up. Ryan and Jenny will be here in 5."

By the time the dinner was over, Kate had relaxed as the tension she feared never arose. The group worked together to clean up the mess and Ryan carried out the garbage so that Kate wouldn't have to deal with it later. Jenny stayed behind for just a moment.

"Kate, I know this is none of my business. And, you probably wish Kevin didn't share everything with me, but we are truly open with each other. We don't keep secrets. Ever since the Natalie Rhoads incident, we learned it only destroys what you care about most, each other.

Anyway, Kevin told me that he didn't understand what you were going through, but when he described recent events. I think I do. My mother gave me this when I had a struggle of my own. She handed Kate a book and said read what I have marked and see if it helps."

With that Jenny exited leaving Kate alone with Lanie. Was she prepared for this conversation? She sat the book down on the coffee table and sat down with Lanie on the couch.

If Kate was hoping for silence, her wish went unfulfilled. She started in immediately.
"How long are you going to make him wait this time? A week? A month? 3 months? 6 months? It's already been 5 days. Kate, I will give you a little advice, I wouldn't wait for that month to be up. He might not be waiting too much longer. I am still not completely convinced he returned after you left all of us in the cold."

Kate sighed. The crushing weight of the truth sat heavily on her heart. Everything Lanie said was true. But none of it gave her the why she needed to identify. Why does she do this to those she loves? If she just likes you, the abuse is far, far less. You may actually receive real consideration for your feelings. When the line between like and love gets crossed, consideration disappears. You are supposed to accept Beckett as Beckett without expectations. Where is Kate when that happens?

She looks up at Lanie and says, "Rick isn't the only one I should quit brushing off. I know you wanted to help me this summer. You want to help me with the problems I have now, yet I won't let you. I do want you to know I went back to the department shrink. He is helping me make progress. He has helped me see that the only person I can let down is me. And, I think I have already done that for a while.

"Girl, you know I love you, but you and the doc better find a way to get your head out of your ass soon. Rick has been kicked too hard too many times to wait very long. Like it or not, you need him and you love him more than anything else."

Kate stared at her incredulously. "What did you think I haven't noticed that dreamy, faraway look you get when you are watching him sniffing around my morgue? You know me better than that."

"I suppose I do, Lanie. I suppose I do."

With that admission the M.E. snuck into Kate's kitchen where she opened the refrigerator.

"I didn't tell Javi or anyone else. These were just for us. She brought out a small box of cannoli."

Kate gave her a questioning look. "Like you couldn't use to gain some weight! You are still too thin. You haven't been eating hospital food for nearly 9 months. EAT."

Kate picked up a cannoli and licked the cream off the top. Taking her first bite, she couldn't suppress the sudden grin.

"I had forgotten how wonderful these are. And, I do eat. But with all the therapy both mental and physical, my stomach stays in knots."

They shared a few not-so-quiet hours enjoying one another's company, before Lanie decided to head out. She was on call for the night and was afraid to not go home at a reasonable hour.

After Lanie left, Kate was still thinking on her friend's words, but they didn't help her with an answer any more than her days of staring at the empty space where a chair used to be. She looked down at the coffee table to Jenny's book. There was a pink post it note with an arrow attached. It was at the end of Joan Didion's On Self Respect. She read the entire essay thinking it pointless until she neared the end. Suddenly this writer that is a perfect stranger slapped her in the face just as Castle's writing had once provided comfort.

"To have that sense of one's intrinsic worth which constitutes self-respect

is potentially to have everything…To lack it is to be locked within oneself,

paradoxically incapable of either love or indifference."

Was it really that simple? She had ceased to respect herself at some point. When she stopped and thought about it, she immediately knew when it happened too. The night of the kiss she knew where she was meant to be, but she did nothing about it. She stayed with Josh because he gave up a trip for her, not because she loved him. She chose sacrifice over happiness. She chose good enough rather than extraordinary. She was a greater fool than most people would give her credit for.

Looking at the page once again she was struck with its final truth.

"Without it, one eventually discovers the final turn of the screw: one runs

away to find oneself, and finds no one at home."

Some truths are unavoidable she had run from him as hard she could to "heal herself" and when she returned she found a more reserved and more reluctant man who may not really want to be there anymore. And Kate Beckett didn't seem to exist within her anymore. She forced herself to behave as they expected; it was hard work.

She picked up her phone and sent a text to Dr. Burke.

I have an answer. Can we meet?

With that she lay down on the couch, and opened Heat Rises and looked at the dedication. She hadn't deserved one and he certainly had given it to one who did. She hoped the next book would be hers again. What if there isn't another book? He signed a contract for 3 more, right?

Her mind raced over that thought. Nikki Heat may have died because of her. Wouldn't that be horrible? What if she could be the death of her literary alter ego? That would mean he gave up on her. She couldn't bear that thought.

Her phone pinged.

My office 9am. Bring your own breakfast and coffee.