Adam "Treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry" Kadmon

Disclaimer: I don't own Evangelion. Or anything else.

We now join our heroes in medias res since I can't think of any other way to start this chapter.

"So we really get to go to the beach for no reason other than we need a fresh scene setting?" Asuka asked with a wide grin as she leaned forward on NERV's conference room table, and since they all look essentially the same it shouldn't matter which specific room it was.

"For the eighth time, yes," Misato said. "I felt we all needed a break and deserved a treat. It was either this or Shinji-kun giving me another massage. But after I insured his hands last week the bank threw some lame thirty day waiting period before the thing kicks in."

"And that's why he has oven mitts duct taped around his hands?"

"Yeah." She threw a leering smile at Shinji. "Also, I want to get the hell out of here until that cube Harbinger is cleaned up. Shinji-kun really knows how to… make a mess." The vague sexual innuendo flew over everyone's head except Asuka, Ritsuko, Maya, Aoba, Hyuga, and the class of second-graders visiting NERV on a field trip. Meaning it flew over Shinji's head. "Anyway, everything's already cleared with the Commander so all we have to do is pick a date."

"How exactly did you get him to agree to this?" Ritsuko asked.

"Oh, I have my ways," she said smugly, buffing her nails on her shirt.

"And do those ways include the missing bricks of heroin Section-2 found in the lockers yesterday?"

"Yes. Yes they do." Misato straightened her jacket.

"So that's where they went," Aoba muttered.

"Incidentally," the Captain went on, "if any of you want to ask the Commander for anything, now's the time. Aoba, that raise you've been angling for is yours for the taking. Hyuga, the citations for downloading porn on company time are begging to be lifted. Maya, well, whatever you want, I guess."

"Same-sex marriage benefits for NERV employees!" the young tech squealed.

As was her wont with her student's liberal beliefs, Ritsuko ignored her completely.

"What does the Sub-Commander think about this outing?"

"You know, I'm not sure," Misato said. "To tell the truth, he hasn't really been playing an important role in this whole war thing. At least, not until its end."

"What?"

"Huh?"

"Never mind. What's important is that we're going to the beach! So kids, you pack the food, I'll handle the booze. In the unlikely event any of you have friends, they can tag along too. This is going to be a blast!"

As she was about to close the meeting with a gavel she fashioned from an empty beer can, Shinji meekly raised his hand.

"But…" He gulped as all eyes fell on him. "What if another Harbinger attacks while we're away?"

Misato tapped her finger against her lower lip, humming as she thought.

"We'll take the MazinEva! with us! It'll provide logistical support, and help clear out all the losers from the beach. Good idea, Shinji-kun."

"And nice ass."

Shinji watched the other members of NERV celebrate their upcoming vacation, knowing he alone held a bad feeling about the upcoming event. It wasn't his empathic abilities or extensive training to trust his instincts. It was a far more personal reason, coupled with the fact that the conversation turned to purchasing new bathing suits. Shinji clutched his own clothing to his body, hoping he'd be able to escape the embarrassment of appearing in swimming trunks.

It was pure compassion that held a smile on his face as Asuka and then Misato asked his opinion on the suits they were planning to buy. And then they started talking about underwear for some reason. But still he smiled out of compassion. Compassion for his fellow humans, and the blind hope that this chapter would end without him being mortified or horribly wounded.

As I rechecked the parody classification on this story, I knew it wouldn't.

MazinEva! Round 4!

The Worst Beach Party Ever

Or

The Best Beach Party Ever

"Thanks," Hikari told Asuka as they perused the labyrinthine aisles of a trendy clothing outlet. "It's been ages since I've gone to the beach. It's so nice of you to invite me."

"Forget about it," the redhead muttered, intensely focused at the task at hand. That was locating a really hot swimsuit to get Shinji's attention. Among other things. "This one's kind of cute, but the whole thing's sheer… that one's pretty but it's missing a crotch…"

"Um, Asuka?"

"Yeah? Oh! This one's adorable! Look at the fishnet!"

"We're shopping for bathing suits, right? Why are we in the lingerie department?"

Asuka's entire body sagged as she lost her enthusiasm for under aged seduction.

"Because… because all the suits in my size are… like for little kids. They have stars and flowers printed on them, and come with plastic sand pails. The ones I want are… too big for me."

"Oh really?" an amused voice behind her called out. The girls turned and found Misato swinging her shopping bags by her waist. "Too big, you say? You are a child after all, Asuka-chan. Children should stick to kid stuff. Leave the adult things to grown-ups." The toothy grin plastered over her face did little to remove her own appearance of immaturity as she ruffled the girl's hair.

Asuka snapped her head up and bit through three of the woman's fingers. Misato staggered backwards, screaming in agony. The girl slammed her foot down on her foe's kneecap, breaking it in half. Then she got angry. Asuka's daydreams tend to get like that.

"Asuka? You okay? You're convulsing and foaming." Misato shrugged it off. "Hey! Want to see my new bathing suit? It's totally hot." She triumphantly held up her latest purchase. "Ta-da!"

"Where is it?" Hikari squinted. "All I see is a hanger."

"You have to look real hard. It's sort of like one of those Magic Eye things."

Hikari looked past the hanger.

"Oh, now I see it." She paused to blush, realizing how little it would cover. "Goodness. That's a bit scandalous, Katsuragi-san."

So those two know each other already? Whatever. Saves me some trouble.

"Yeah," Asuka agreed as she regained lucidity. "Just who exactly are you trying to impress, Misato?"

"Oh, oh no one! No one at all! I just… want to get as much sun as I can."

And by sun, she meant son. Specifically, the Commander's son. The legitimate one.

"Pardon the interruption," the mall loudspeaker intoned, "but would the owner of a 2005 blue Alpine Renault, license plate '2BigUns' please report to the parking lot. It is being confiscated by the police in connection to a drug bust. Thank you."

Misato sprinted out of the store with the threat of incarceration looming over her head like a hazy cloud of freebased narcotics.

As the two girls were left alone again, Asuka subtly shifted her position to block Hikari from the exit. They continued to rifle through the clothes racks but thoughts of bathing suits were quietly being pushed aside.

"Say," Asuka said, trying too hard to sound casual. She might have succeeded if she hid the underlining sadism that colored every word she spoke. "What do you think of Shinji?"

Not for the first time when socializing with her friend, Hikari felt bowel-openingly terrified. She smoothed her school uniform dress in a desperate attempt to keep her legs from galloping away.

"Wh-what do you mean? I hardly know him."

"Yeah, but he's the topic of every conversation I have to break up at school." And by break, she meant break.

"You mean people still blame him for the attacks?"

"No," Asuka said, still not facing Hikari. "A lot of the dirty, dirty sluts at school think he's hot. And some of the boys talk about him piloting like a super model just moved in next door. I'll be dead and rotting before Shinji learns the word yaoi. But I can't trust anyone with him." She paused a moment. "Anyone."

Hikari hoped her bowels would hold out just a bit longer.

"I don't like him, Asuka. I mean, I do like him, but not, you know, like him like him." She almost told her not to worry but decided against it. Telling Ms. Soryu what to do regarding her emotions was akin to using a nuclear bomb as a piñata.

Asuka considered her words, then turned to look her in the eye.

"I don't believe you."

"What? What do you mean you—"

"I mean I don't believe you don't like him. It's impossible not to. So I'm going to ask you again and you're going to tell me the Goddamn truth this time." She began closing in on her like a child getting ready to kick a cowering puppy. "Okay?"

In a single panic-filled breath, Hikari recalled her history with the fiery German… firebrand. It began as many of her friendships did, with a simple inquiry by her as to the girl's feelings. She was class representative after all. She had been class representative as long as she could remember and no one could tell her otherwise. Not even the therapist her father sent her to.

Anyway. Asuka was looking rather down in school ever since her only friend, Shinji, moved away after his mother's tragic and as yet unexplained death. Hikari's own memories of the boy fell into a convenient hole in the plot. She felt sorry for the misshapen foreigner and decided that being her friend might cheer her up, and make her an even bigger favorite with the teaching faculty. Which it did. Hikari always struck me as a bit of a brownnoser.

So the girls became friends. Sleepovers, playing with dolls, gun safety training… I don't know what the hell little girls do, they did it all. And Hikari did it with a smile on her face despite Asuka's frequent attempts to cut her hair short and make her wear blue contacts. Even now she had to be on the lookout whenever scissors were nearby. It wasn't a perfect friendship, what with the physical abuse of the student body Hikari had to cover up every day, misdirecting the authorities from the redhead's protection racket, or that mysterious occasion the entire girl's dance club disappeared after comparing Asuka's audition to an extended seizure episode by a one-legged simian crack addict with an inner ear infection, but it was a friendship they both cherished. Maybe cherish is too strong a word. But it was what Hikari was genuinely hoping for as Asuka closed the gap between them as she waited for an answer that would probably force one of them to miss the beach party by way of evisceration.

"Um… well… I…" Hikari's thoughts raced at a feverish pace. I have to tell her something! Sure, Ikari-kun's cute, and heroic, and smells really nice, and— No! Don't think that way! You like to live, remember!? But I have to tell her something!

"I'm still waiting."

"I…" Hikari quickly reviewed the other boys in class, hoping one would serve as a plausible cover until she could properly think the situation over. But due to her panicky nature regarding Asuka and Asuka's impending murder-filled doom, she blurted out the first name that came to her. In hindsight it was probably the boy's overwhelmingly rancid body odor that put him first and foremost in her mind. "I like Suzahara-kun!"

Asuka peered at her as she weighed her words.

"I don't believe you."

"No! Really! I'm, um, really attracted to his… uh… his…" She trailed off as she frantically searched for a single redeemable trait from Toji. In the end, mostly due to the homicidal glint swirling in her friend's eyes, she lied. "I like his sensitive side."

Asuka brought a hand to her chin as she thought, struggling to comprehend the notion that a girl didn't adore her Shinji. She tilted her head slightly and her words were deliberate and amazed.

"So you're telling me… you don't like Shinji? You like… someone… else?" As if contemplating the nature of God or infinity, Asuka shook her head slowly. "Really?"

"Really!"

"Really?" She shrugged. "Huh. Okay, I guess. I can't condone it, and I think you could do better, but okay. Whatever floats your boat." Her smile and good humor returned in a flash. "Well, great! I'd hate to have to make you disappear." She laughed, but it was a tad on the manic side. "We are friends after all, right?"

"Right," Hikari said. She then excused herself to sprint to the restroom for the rest of the scene.

"Right," Asuka repeated as she turned back to the clothing racks and picked up a slinky set of garters. "Hmm… these might just get in the way."

Like an ice cube whipped at her stomach a sudden chill stole over her. It was not something she was accustomed to feeling at such an intense level. She wasn't used to feeling it at all but she had plenty of secondhand testimony from every person who ever met her. Asuka turned and spotted through the dense crowd a pale girl with blue hair.

Her!

The fact that Rei was not inside NERV's detention center passed over Asuka. Blind rage will do that. It will also lend superhuman strength to a hormonal and temperamental teenager, as Asuka displayed by plowing though the throng of shoppers separating her waxen foe from death.

"You!" she hissed, coming up behind the girl at a rack of clothes. "What are you doing out of your kennel?"

"Shopping," Rei said. She turned away.

"For what? A collar for your next dog show?"

"The clothes NERV issued me are inadequate and I do not wish to trouble Ikari-kun for new garments."

Mostly because whenever she was alone with him her imagination went on lengthy, explicitly depraved fantasies. It was getting to be distracting. And it was diverting her from her true mission of all the death and bloodshed and stuff.

"There's an easier way to stop annoying Shinji," Asuka said. "Just kill yourself."

"As tempting as that sounds, there are things I must accomplish before I die." Specifically, all the death and bloodshed and stuff.

"Things, huh? You mean seducing my Shinji and forcing your fat pallid ass on his pure untarnished perfection?"

"As tempting as that sounds, there are things I must accomplish before I die."

"You keep away from Shinji's thighs!" Asuka growled, remembering chapter one.

Only his thighs? Rei thought. I suppose if I were to simply sit on his face I would not be violating that veiled threat. But if I were to complete the position in a true sixty-nine I would inevitably touch his thighs. Hmm. A conundrum.

"... daydream about being a normal human with an actual chance of ever getting Shinji to look at you beyond the profound pity and disgust he can only feel for you now and go—"

"Excuse me," Rei said, interrupting Asuka's shrieking tirade with a whispered monotone only the way Rei could, "but would you kindly shut that gaping void emitting those incomprehensible shrill noises that resemble a deaf primate attempting to speak our language and smells like the afore mentioned ape's soiled backside? Or as you call it, your mouth?"

"Oh that is it!" the redhead roared. She raised her fists of Germanic death. "I'll slaughter you like a Polish pacifist! Let's go!"

The ensuing fight was less than impressive. For Asuka. Every punch she threw Rei effortlessly dodged, stepping just out of reach to make her opponent look stupid and uncoordinated. Not that Asuka didn't hit anything. The crowd of shoppers was quickly halved as her errant blows cut a swath through other teens, the elderly, women and children.

"Stand still you sallow cow! Fight like the bitch you are!"

Rei didn't bother answering, and instead continued to evade, furtively drawing Asuka to where she wanted her. An infinitesimal smirk crossed her lips and she abruptly stopped, readying her devastating retaliation.

"Excuse me, sir," Rei said to a security guard standing watch over an expensive set of Sanrio silk underwear. "This ugly girl is responsible for decimating your store."

The guard snapped out his daily fantasy of decimating the store and looked over the decimated store.

"Mother trucker!" He blew a whistle and Asuka was immediately surrounded by a poorly trained, underpaid security force. "Apprehend that ugly girl!"

Another unimpressive fight began. For the security guards. Asuka mercilessly beat the living hell out of them, introducing their nightsticks to various orifices on their bodies, as well as creating new orifices.

After doling out the necessary brutality to the fools who dared try to touch her, Asuka searched for her true enemy through the fires which somehow erupted during the match. But Rei was gone.

"Shiest!" she swore, her native tongue completely butchered by the author. That's when she saw the SWAT team enter the building.

Her report to the police done, Rei switched off one of the collection of cell phones she stole from Asuka's Section-2 detail. She hefted the crate of burgled clothes she obtained at the now ruined outlet and began walking back to NERV. She paused as her stomach mewed in want of food. Normally a stomach would growl, but Rei was very dainty. So were her organs.

After negotiating with a street vendor by means of a taser to the face and making off with his popcorn cart, Rei resumed her journey. Her legs moved on automatic as her mind wandered over her current situation in life.

The partial abandonment of her mission, the sole reason for her existence, was not surprising. Her masters, who I suppose will still be known as SEELE, weren't exactly keen on employee benefits. She was little more than a slave to them; if it wasn't endless hours of floating nude in a glass cylinder, it was pilot training by destroying their childhood enemies who bullied them in school, or continual cosplay to satisfy the latent pedophilia every adult she met suffered under. A life in a prison cell owned by morons was infinitely preferable to that.

True, NERV was operated by would-be child molesters as well, but there was a larger buffer zone between thought and action. It was subsequently easier to carry out her orders. Yet one thing kept getting in her way. Rei munched on a few popcorn kernels and thought of Ikari Shinji.

He stirred unfamiliar and moist feelings in her. They were akin to her desires to murder and destroy, but refocused to murder and destroy their current respective isolation from other basic human interaction. And by interaction, she meant internal action.

Was it because he was the only non-perverted male she had met in her existence? Was it because he treated her as an equal deserving of respect and care? Or perhaps it was due to him being a total hottie.

Whatever the cause, Rei found an undeniable obstacle to her mission. One she needed to deal with before anything else.

I could kill him, she thought. Death must be served to all. She continued walking. … perhaps just a little death for him.

Rei wondered if maybe perchance her masters would possibly not mind if in their very restricted wisdom they might consider allowing her to kill all of humanity save one.

That vendor must survive. His popcorn was quite tasty.

The MazinEva! lumbered past the line of small boardwalk shops and stepped onto the sand of Sainan beach. After a moment of subdued shock for the other beach-goers, all non-NERV personnel promptly packed up and vacated in a calm, orderly fashion. Actually, they completely panicked and abandoned all their possessions where they fell, tearing through one another in a mad dash to escape whatever catastrophic hell was about to befall the scenic getaway. Misato made sure to thank them for their contributions as they passed her. Which was fortunate, considering she forgot entirely about the booze. And Asuka opted not to pack any food as any form of labor, or kindness to others, was beneath her. Also, she didn't have time after escaping from jail.

Unit-01 bent down on one knee and its eyes dimmed. The entry plug spun out from its back and Shinji opened the hatch. He blinked in the bright sun and gasped for breath free of the LCL.

"Shinji!" Asuka shouted in joy as she ran over the sand towards him. She was determined to be the first to show him her bathing suit. A quick glance over her shoulder assured her that Misato was currently too busy scavenging the deserted camps for alcohol to pose any threat. The redhead was both pleased and disgusted by her one-track mind.

Cracking a fresh cooler open with her foot, Misato glanced at Asuka running towards Shinji like an idiot. She felt confident that although the girl might reach him first, her superior man skills and ability to hold liquor would ultimately keep the boy's attention where it belonged. And the suit she had on told everyone she was more than twice the woman Asuka was. Literally. Misato had measured.

"Shinji!" Asuka called again, waving. She told herself the only reason he wasn't eating out of her hand yet was that he had yet to take a good look at what she was wearing. Which given her age and my reluctance for fourteen-year-olds to engage in any even remotely sexual activity, was quite small. Yet at the same time it gave credence to her nickname of Big Red. Not that she was large or actually red like a lobster, but you get the cheap joke.

Ugh.

Anyway. Shinji, still hanging out the entry plug hatch and adorned in his usual school uniform, motioned for Asuka to wait a moment, then ducked back through the opening. A moment later he reappeared carrying a strange, lumpy beach towel. At least that was what Asuka wanted to believe he was carrying. She continued to tell herself that as he descended to the ground via a Gundam (™)-inspired towline, and when he gently placed the towel on her feet.

"Your assistance is appreciated, Ikari-kun," Rei said. She was wearing, much to Asuka's continued chagrin, a really cute one-piece. It didn't show nearly as much skin as hers, but it displayed a modest, classical charm. And a ton of leg.

"No problem, Rei," Shinji told her.

"What is she doing here?" Asuka growled through gritted teeth as she jabbed a finger at the girl. "She's a prisoner, Shinji."

"Well, technically, but Rei did save everyone's life during the last battle at the risk of her own."

No one bothered to tell him he was the deciding factor in the struggle against Ramiel. Actually, they did, repeatedly, but you know him. A complete idiot.

"Besides," he continued, inexplicably not feeling very safe next to Asuka at the moment, "I thought the sea air might help her recover faster from her perpetual injuries. It was the least I could do." He kept an arm near her, lest she collapse from the wounds he felt he caused.

"No, the least you could do would be to leave her alone. This is like the most you could do. Or should do." Asuka stamped her foot. "Shinji, she tried to kill you, remember?"

"Kind of, but that shouldn't be a reason not to be friends with her."

Rei quickly hid the switchblade hovering near Shinji's neck.

"How are you feeling, Rei?" he asked. "I know the trip was a lot…"

"I'll bet," Asuka muttered.

"… but are you okay to walk over to the camp where the others are?"

Enjoying the new and unique experiences of someone asking how she felt and tending to her every need, Rei was nonetheless resolute in her confidence of her faculties. Though she was hurt, she wasn't helpless.

Then she looked at Asuka.

"I feel lightheaded. Your continued assistance would be appreciated, Ikari-kun."

"No problem."

Rei couldn't help but give a small gasp (which for her was measured in the same realm of sounds as dog whistles or insect coughs (meaning it was really, really soft. Not that she sounded like a dog or an insect (not that all dogs and insects sound horrible but for all intents and purposes most people think they sound ugly, hence the explanation))) as he did not simply offer a supportive arm like she expected. Oh no. He scooped her legs up behind her knees and cradled her back, carrying her completely. Despite her quiet pride and self-sufficiency, she found it agreeable.

"You can rest your head on my shoulder if you need to, Rei," Shinji said.

Okie-dokie.

"Shinji!" Asuka fumed. As he turned to look at her, and by extension so did Rei who was firmly nestled into his neck, the redhead pouted. "Um… I feel a little weak too, running all that way in the hot sun." She semi-swooned, listing on her feet.

"Oh dear," Shinji said in worry. "Well I can't carry both of you…" He frowned for a moment as he thought. "I know!"

"You'll drop that pale assassin and cuddle me?"

"Toji-san can carry you!"

"What?" She spun around as the jock was about to breathe near her. "What the hell are you doing here!?"

"Shinji carried me," Toji said, trying hard to keep all of his paltry muscles clenched as he spoke with Asuka.

"Why would he invite you? And why on earth would you agree? You hate him!"

He nervously scratched his bare chest. Making Asuka's breakfast threaten to make an unscheduled reappearance.

"Well," he said, "I talked with my sister in the hospital as I weaved in and out of comas. Odd, since I can't even remember how I wound up in there. Anyway, she convinced me I shouldn't have hit him like I did, and she made me promise to apologize. So I did. He's actually a pretty cool guy, you know? But not too cool. I'm still cooler than he is. So can I touch you now?"

Walking towards the party Shinji glanced above him as Toji, a nearly indistinguishable bloody blur, rocketed over him towards an outcropping of nasty looking breakers. Before he could ponder the nature of his newfound friend's ability to fly a soft voice by his ear demanded his full attention.

"Ikari-kun," Rei said. "The bruise on my chin hurts. Would you administer the medicine you gave me earlier?"

"O-of course," he replied, blushing a little. Despite the other people around them now he couldn't deny anyone a direct request. Especially an injured girl in his arms. He raised her chin and gently placed his lips on it. "Better?"

She nodded and settled back into his arms.

"I do not know what painkillers are contained within your lips, but they do make me feel better."

"There aren't any drugs in them, Rei," he said with another blush. "It's just supposed to make you feel emotionally better about being injured by showing someone cares about you, and that they're sad you're hurt. It was something my mother used to do for me when I got cuts or scrapes. I remembered it always made the pain go away, so I thought it might work for you, too." He paused. "Not that we're anything like a mother and son. Then this would just be creepy. And illegal, I think."

"Why?"

Before he could expound on the inappropriateness of incest, of which he was a near expert given his time with Master Kaji and the man's impressive H manga collection, his attention was diverted by the scene change right below this sentence.

Soon the party was off to a rousing success, at least to Misato who was already three sheets to the wind despite less than a half hour passing since they arrived. Hyuga and Aoba, too entranced by her bathing suit, decided to overlook their commanding officer's raging alcoholism yet again. Maya was too busy drooling over Ritsuko, who was under a beach umbrella engaged with a new science journal which shone new light on the Mechological theory that the main character in a drama needed to be a virgin. Misato requested a full summary. Kensuke was there too, but no one cared. Also, I forgot to mention earlier that Hikari regained control of her bowels and was there as well, hard at work pretending to fawn over Toji whenever Asuka was around. For his part, Toji was trying to appear buff for both the redhead and the intoxicated older woman in the skimpy swimsuit. Shinji, having just emptied his fifteenth bottle of SPF six thousand on Rei sat back and smiled at the scene, glad to be around friends and not fighting to stay alive for once.

How wrong he was.

"Shinji?"

He looked up at Asuka who decided to cover herself in a sundress to keep Toji's roaming eyes off her body. She suppressed the nearly overpowering urge to take several dozen long showers. And the blinding rage she was experiencing after watching her beloved tend so carefully to Rei.

"Yeah, Asuka?"

"Everybody's going swimming. Want to come with me?" She paused and realized what she just asked him. "Ah! I mean, I mean come in the water with me? Ah! I mean, let's go swimming!"

"Swimming? Uh, well…" He tugged his shirt self-consciously. "I don't know…"

Asuka puzzled over his hesitation.

Maybe he's just shy about taking his shirt off. Or maybe this is the greatest opportunity I've ever had in my entire life.

"Come on!" she said playfully, latching onto his arm and pulling him to his feet. "Don't be a stick in the mud. We're at the beach, silly. We have to go swimming." She was able to pull him along with little reluctance towards a secluded cove near the tail end of the beach.

Rei never saw them leave, buried under several hundred applications of sun block. Misato was too drunk, and everyone else was otherwise occupied since I don't feel like going through the entire list again.

"Come on, Shinji," Asuka was saying, dragging him along. "Don't tell me you've never gone swimming before."

"Not exactly. I think my Master had a frightening experience with the ocean once. Something about crabs. We never went swimming. Though we did spend a lot of time around women in bathing suits."

"So you don't know how?"

He colored in shame and shook his head, no.

Great, she thought, pulling him to the isolated cove. Just the two of us, away from all those idiots and sluts. The perfect setting to show him everything I know.

She giggled, her mind awash with images that required an M rating to describe. Not that she really knew anything, but Asuka sometimes liked to build herself up. As things stood her knowledge regarding human mating lay somewhere between her mother's abstractly scientific speech about input/output docking procedures and watching the tail end of a nature documentary showcasing a clan of chimpanzees. So, no, she wasn't exactly sure what the hell she was doing.

But would Shinji know what to do? Find out in the exciting lemon side story I'll never write!

Anyway, as the two fourteen-year-olds (remember that? They're fourteen, people. That is really, really young. Get your minds out of the gutter) crested the rocky outcropping of the cove, Asuka turned back to him wearing a dazzling smile.

"Don't worry, Shinji. I'll teach you how to swim. I'm the perfect teacher." And she was. She latched onto anyone she instructed, not letting them get away until she was satisfied they learned something or died. Either or. It was something her mother wanted her to seek therapy for.

"You don't have to go through any trouble for me," he said in obvious apprehension.

"No trouble at all." She flung her sundress over her head because I know some of you Asuka fanboys want to imagine her flinging her sundress over her head. God, they're fourteen. Anyway, she tried to strike an alluring pose without seeming too obvious. Of course, her entire comprehension of what was alluring stemmed from a composite pool of information garnered from her stint as a shota manga author and her own inflated sense of unsurpassable beauty. "Time to get wet, Shinji!"

"I don't know," he said, edging backwards.

"Oh, come on," she said, pulling him towards the shoreline. "Let's get you out of that stuffy shirt…"

As she preparing to help him out of his top or pounce on him, or a frenzied combination of both, she cried out in agony.

"Asuka!?"

"Ow! I stepped on something…" A crumpled jellyfish was firmly pressed under her left heel. The wound was already dark and swollen. "Ow!" she whimpered, falling to her knees, dragging Shinji with her. "This really hurts!"

While getting stung by a jellyfish is painful, Asuka was really milking it for all it was worth. Her mind began to wander off a few steps into a very pleasant fantasy involving Shinji trying everything to lessen her pain. And I mean everything. The fact that her foot had ballooned to the size of a basketball was far away from her at the moment.

"Don't worry, Asuka," Shinji said, standing up. "I know what to do. I watched a nature documentary about this once." He unhooked his belt and dropped his pants. "Human urine can act in place of vinegar to counteract the nematocysts in jellyfish stings. Luckily, as a male, I am less inclined to urinary tract infections, thus making my urine more likely to be considered sterile. Please bear with me."

By now he was talking to himself. Asuka's vivid fantasy coupled with Shinji actually dropping trou in front of her knocked the consciousness right out her. Save for an indistinguishable flash of skin she saw nothing of her love's attributes. Which she would thoroughly curse herself for later. Her imagination, and her resurfacing manga career would have to do. For now.

"Oh, Asuka," Shinji lamented. "The pain was too much. Don't worry. I'll take you back to the others. Maybe Dr. Akagi will know what else to do."

Which she wouldn't.

He paused in his pre-firing aiming when he saw the sting had swelled even more, showing the signs of an allergic reaction.

Actually, wait a second. This is getting too weird, even for me. Let's skip ahead a bit.

Shinji reluctantly removed his shirt and wrapped Asuka's foot in the hopes of counteracting the inflammation. He could have used her dress but it mysteriously vanished after I realized where I wanted this chapter to go. And he didn't think she'd appreciate having an expensive-looking outfit soaked in his pee. Again, he was wrong.

He deftly scooped her into his arms and hotfooted it back to the rest of the party, desperately hoping both for his friend's wellbeing and that they wouldn't take notice of his shirtless appearance.

But since the two of paying attention to this story are sick of my beating around the bush regarding what the hell is up with Shinji, Toji suddenly popped up from the hole in the sand the others buried him in because they hate him and collided with him, sending the three teens tumbling to the ground.

Now without the comfort of any kind of cover, Shinji cringed and shut his eyes, knowing it was only moments before everyone started in on him and—

"Dude," Toji said in awe. "You're jacked."

Shinji slumped his shoulders. His well-rounded, broad shoulders. His steely chest heaved a sigh while his tight, tight six-pack clenched involuntarily. His biceps swelled and pulsed as he held Asuka close, still concerned with her wellbeing even in the face of public humiliation.

"And why are your nipples pierced?" Toji went on, desperately trying not to stare and at the same time mentally reaffirm his sexuality. "And what's up with those tattoos around your belly button? Is it like religious or something?"

The weary and well-built pilot sighed, knowing it was hopeless to try and escape. The damage was done. He also knew that while his muscles were lean and taut, they weren't grotesquely large. He was sleek and tightly packed, and had a disturbingly mesmerizing affect on women around him. Men too.

"The symbols are Tantric," he answered reluctantly, "and are supposed to help control the chi flowing to and from my, well, center."

"Isn't your center your heart?"

"Not the way I was taught."

"… and the nipple rings?"

"Part of my Master's training. He felt it imperative I strengthen my nipples' dexterity and resilience."

"… why?"

"I won't pretend to know why Master did everything he did. All I know is he had my best interests at heart." That was what Shinji wanted to believe despite a lifetime of examples to the contrary. He somberly looked down at the rosy pink nubs on his chest. "But I guess I can't argue with the results. I can pull a school bus with one of them, yet I can detect the slightest change in temperature or humidity. Sensitivity was heightened."

"You don't say," Toji muttered, reaching for a towel to drape around him. He felt like a manatee next to his new friend. "Well, I have to get going to the gym."

"Right now?"

"Yeah, right now. I won't be leaving it for the next few years."

Or chapters. Whichever.

Shinji heaved another sigh as Toji left, wishing he just stayed in bed this morning. He picked up a convulsing Asuka and quickly started back towards the rest of his friends.

Just as he crested the final sand dune overlooking the beach party, a giant underwater explosion out at sea sounded, marking this chapter's descent into action.

"Shit," Adam said.

Gaghiel, the Harbinger of Impractical Attack Ranges, surfaced a few hundred feet out from Sainan beach. Any closer and it'd be grounded. It was a pretty big fish thing.

"No doubt about it," Ritsuko said, peering through a pair of binoculars from under the relative safety of her beach umbrella. "It's a Harbinger. Good thing we brought Unit-01 along today. Good and convenient. Who would have thought we'd get attacked? Honestly? Who, I ask you, who?"

"Anywun wit'a haf'a bran monkey thumbs?" Misato slurred, sufficiently drunk.

"Shut your putrid face hole, you booze whore. Shinji-kun, get in the MazinEva!. It's up to you to defend our beach party."

"Yes, ma'am," he replied. He gently dropped Asuka off and asked Ritsuko to tend to her, which the doctor promptly didn't. Shinji sprinted off to Unit-01 before anyone could see him. Thank goodness for life and death battles to decide the fate of the human race.

"I am the white whale!" Gaghiel roared. "Come and face me or I will be forced to stay here forever, in this same spot, because it is the closest I can get to your city. Come and face your completely avoidable doom!"

"Well, it does have a point," Shinji muttered as the MazinEva! hummed to life around him. "Could we maybe just let it swim around out there?"

"And allow the hell it would wreak on the Pacific waters' transport of Sanrio merchandise?" Ritsuko asked over the comm. line which she somehow obtained since her last appearance. "I do not think so, young man."

Maya ardently agreed. So did Aoba for some reason.

"Now gesh goin, yu shtud," Misato belched out, along with the last few beers she consumed. "Aww, fusk," she tried to swear, looking down at her soiled swimsuit. She started peeling it off. Aoba and Maya cheered. Hyuga's nose hemorrhaged and he passed out. Asuka groaned softly in pain. Also, Kensuke was there but I hate him. And Rei was where I left her, or something. Moving on.

The MazinEva! leapt into the sea, ready to deal out a healthy dose mecha death.

Oh, right. Shinji can't swim.

Unit-01 sank like a rock, its heavy metal shod feet sinking into the grimy ocean floor. Gaghiel watched the mech's futile efforts to free itself and parted its teeth, intent on swallowing the purple robot whole. Of course, it has already been established the Harbingers aren't the brightest lot around, so instead of swallowing Shinji it simply bit his arm off.

"Not again!" he wailed.

The Harbinger circled around him and bared its teeth for a second strike. It closed in and opened its gaping mouth as its lower jaw plowed through the ocean's floor. Shinji willed the MazinEva! to jump and slammed his remaining fist into the Harbinger's upper teeth and his feet into the bottom row.

In a confused panic the beast rose up and broke the ocean's surface in an attempt to shake this little annoying robot off it freed of the water's buoyancy. It didn't work since that would have dragged the fight out. Shinji hung on for dear existence, and as he headed back down into the sea he spotted something floating in the water.

"We're sending a weapon to help you keep living," Ritsuko told him. "And would it kill you to hold on with a little more grace? We are taping this you know."

"Actually—"

"Stop whining and end this already. I want some barbecue."

Shinji pushed away from Harbinger and by blind luck and author intervention he managed to grab the weapon before he crashed into the water.

"This is the help I get," he sighed as he looked over his only chance to win. "A rowboat full of the fireworks Misato-san brought along for tonight." He bundled them under his arm and turned to the approaching Harbinger. "Now what kind of dumb attack name can I think of this time?"

"Shinji-kun!" Ritsuko yelled over the comm. "Forget about that! I upgraded the MazinEva!'s weapons systems and didn't care to tell you until this moment! You don't have to use partial voice commands from now on!"

"Really? Why not?"

"Because it isn't funny anymore! Now kill that son of a bitch!"

The Harbinger rushed towards him and Shinji found himself in its mouth which was remarkably dry, since I want to end the fight quickly. It allowed him to light the fireworks with a giant matchbook stored in Unit-01's shoulder fin or something. The Evas have all sorts of hidden abilities that are supplied by the power of convenience.

The fireworks sparked to life and Shinji hurled them down the Harbinger's throat, then hastily punched through its teeth and escaped to the ocean.

He began sinking immediately. The Harbinger circled around and dove beneath him, intent on swallowing him yet again and then leaping above the surface of the water yet again in a completely pointless display of theatrics. Yet again.

Before it could the fireworks finally exploded and thanks to Gaghiel's unique stomach structure which was astonishingly susceptible to said fireworks, the Harbinger detonated like a balloon filled with things that blow up. The resulting shockwave buffeted Unit-01 up and out of the water and back onto the beach.

Shinji landed head first on a sand dune covering a really hard rock. But the pain was nothing compared to the relief he and I felt as the battle was finished.

Shinji staggered out of the MazinEva! clutching his right arm which hung limply at his side. He only made it a few steps before falling. Well, not falling, but getting tackled by Asuka. And then Misato. And then Hyuga, who tripped over a seashell after somehow regaining consciousness. Then the rest of the cast because this chapter hasn't had its quota of slapstick yet. Except Rei who was still buried in sun block I guess.

"Oh, my darling Shin-chan!" Misato wailed, now more or less sober after emptying her stomach sometime during the battle. "I was so scared! Granted I can't remember what happened for the last hour or so, but Dr. Bitch-at-me-because-I-passed-out-and-vomited-on-her-a-little told me you had to fight again by yourself! But you're safe in my arms now. And have you seen my bathing suit?"

Hyuga lost consciousness again after landing near Misato. So did Maya.

"Eep!" Hikari eeped as she was flattened on top of Shinji. Being so skinny she was forcibly squeezed through the tipsy, confused, partially nude pile of humanity, and found herself nose to nose with the boy. She had a brief glimpse of his toned body, then got to feel it squashed against her. For the first time she regretted wearing a one-piece.

"I don't believe we've been properly introduced," Shinji said politely.

"I lov—" Hikari began, but was hurled backwards as a delirious Asuka clawed her way through everyone to her beloved.

"My foot hurts!" she shrieked through the hallucinogenic haze of a severe allergic reaction. "And yellow wingless spiders are chasing my brains!"

Things went on in that fashion until I just wished this was over. But then I decided to end on a bad nipple-related joke.

"Shinji-kun," Misato said after regaining her bearings by flinging everyone else off the boy and staring down at him. A thin line of drool declared freedom from her mouth. "Not that I'm exactly complaining, but how are you so toned and why are your nipples pierced?"

Round 4! Dead and buried in the sand!

Author notes: need Misato ask? Cause I'm a freak. Suffer the all-encompassing moral depravity that forms my imagination. Incidentally, next chapter we find out why Shinji's nickname is "The Metallic Teabag."

The prerequisite beach episode is out of the way. Next up is the prerequisite how will we fight the enemy without any power episode. Wait. I have to murder Israfel before that.

Actually, Outside Perspective, I first heard about Sweet Baby Jesus Christmas Cookies in one of those old Robotech novelizations written in the eighties by Jack McKinney. I forgot which book, but I want to say Southern Cross. Been too long since I read it.

And yes, I did have to look up jellyfish sting treatment on the net for the terminology. Thanks, discovering hawaii dot com, since for some reason FFN won't let me write out actual web addresses.