Out Of The Night
4
Aaron stood in the middle of his old room, Pearl's things surrounding him. He closed his eyes, allowing his mind to conjure up an image of how it used to be, how it used to look when he lived at the Smithy. A sense of calm washed over him, and he suddenly felt warm and safe, like he was being held and comforted by some unseen loving arms. His mind wandered back in time to when he was with Jackson, to when things were good between them.
Jackson had loved him, truly loved him...
"Aaron?"
Robert's voice drifted up the stairs, breaking the spell Aaron had been under. His eyes opened, and he found himself back in the cold reality of his life as it now was. He wasn't happy, far from it. He hurt so badly inside, and it wasn't just guilt causing the pain, it was need, a hunger he needed to satisfy. He needed to be loved! Like Jackson had loved him. No matter what Robert told him Aaron knew he would never feel that deeply for him, he would never love him the way he needed to be loved.
Aaron made his way to the door, he was reluctant to leave his old bedroom and the memories it contained, but he didn't want Robert to come looking for him.
"What the hell are you doing up there?" Robert hissed as Aaron finally appeared at the top of the stairs.
Aaron could hear the impatience in Robert's voice, it annoyed him and so did the fact he hadn't bothered to ask if Leo was ok. As he made his way back downstairs Aaron said, "Leo's awake, you're going to have to go." He had no qualms about lying, he was angry with Robert and with himself for giving in to him again, for letting him use him again.
"I've only just got here and we were in the middle of something remember?" Robert reached for Aaron hoping to carry on where they'd left off.
"Were, being the operative word!" Aaron snapped as he shouldered his way past Robert to stand by the front door.
"Oh come on. The kid'll be fine."
"Just go will you!" Aaron's voice rang with irritation, he didn't understand how Robert could dismiss Leo so easily, he might not be close to the little boy but knew he was, that he thought the world of him, couldn't Robert even pretend to care?
Robert shook his head in disbelief, Aaron was proving just as fickle as a woman could be, "You'd better make your mind up as to what you want from me. One minute you're complaining I'm not making any effort where we're concerned, the next you're sending me packing. All this blowing hot and cold..."
"You're the one with a decision to make!" Aaron retaliated, although he hadn't wanted to have this discussion with Robert again it seemed they were going to. It was getting old now, and it always left him feeling second best. But then maybe he needed to go over it again, maybe it would give him the strength to end things between them and for good this time.
"Not that again!" Robert's irritation grew, he didn't like where the conversation was headed, he hadn't come here to argue and this particular topic always ended in them fighting.
"I can't do this Robert, not any more. All this sneaking around, lying to the people I care about. And all for what? A 'quickie' when you can get away from Chrissie. That's all you want from me isn't it? That's the only reason you came here tonight, and as soon as you'd got what you wanted you'd have left, gone back to your wife. You'd have forgotten all about me til the next time you had the urge to fuck a man!" The truth hurt, at least it hurt him but he was sure Robert would shrug it off with his usual ease.
"Don't be stupid, you know I care about you, that I want to be with you. If it was just about sex well I could get that anywhere..."
"Not on tap you couldn't!" He was just an easy lay as far as Robert was concerned, well not any more. "I don't want to see you again Robert. This, whatever it is betwen us isn't enough for me, it never will be. I want more from a relationship, I need more. You can't give me that."
"Not right now I can't. I'd lose everything I've worked so hard for. But I'm working on it, I'm making investments, securing my future, another year, two maybe and I'll be able to walk away from the marriage. I'll be free to..."
"No. Even if I believed you I'm not prepared to wait that long. And anyway, I don't need a big house, a fancy car or a ton of money in the bank to be happy. I just need to be...
The knock on the door startled them both, Robert making a hushed demand, "Ignore it."
Aaron decided the only thing he was going to ignore was Robert and pulled open the front door, Robert swiftly moving into the kitchen out of sight
After taking delivery of his pizza Aaron stepped into the kitchen, Robert was nowhere to be seen and for a minute Aaron thought he'd gone but as he'd set the box down onto the table Robert appeared by the living room door. "You still here!" Aaron commented coldly.
"Like I'd leave the way things are between us?" Aaron had called things off before, more than once but there was a tone of finality in his voice this time and that worried Robert.
"There isn't an 'us' any more, there never was, not really. It's over Robert, I'm over it and as soon as you walk through that door I think you will be too." Turning around Aaron made for the stairs, he could hear Robert calling after him but ignored his pleas to 'listen to him' to 'please talk about this'. Aaron felt certain Robert wouldn't follow him upstairs, and he was right. Looking out of Leo's bedroom window he watched Robert making his way down to the Woolpack. Only when Robert disappeared into the pub did Aaron let his emotions get the better of him. On feeling the sting of tears he quickly wiped them away, he was hurting like hell but not nearly as much as he thought he would be. Maybe that was because he knew he was doing the right thing.
... ...
It was gone one when the front door opened and the sound of merriment drifted in to the living room. Aaron made his way into the kitchen finding Paddy quietly reminding Rona and Pearl that Leo was upstairs asleep. On seeing Aaron the two women made a beeline for him, hugging and fussing over him.
"You had a good night then!" Aaron said as he tried to extricate himself from the overwhelming show of affection.
"Yes they did!" Paddy declared "Now they need to go sleep it off."
After ushering the women towards the stairs, Paddy turned to Aaron saying, "Sorry we're so late, they didn't want to leave."
"It's ok," He really didn't mind, the scrapyard was only open til midday on a Saturday, and as it was Adam's turn to open up there was nothing calling him in the morning.
"Everything ok? Did Leo wake at all?"
"Yeah fine, he went out like a light and I've not heard a peep from him since."
"You ok?"
"Yeah."
"You sure about that only..."
"It's one in the morning you're not going to give me the third degree now are you?"
"No its just... well your mum's worried about all this running you're ..."
"Paddy she worries every time I cross the road on my own! I bet Rona worries needlessly over Leo at times too."
"Yeah but..."
"Well they are then. You've got to learn to switch off."
"I'm worried too."
Aaron shook his head "You're worse than her! I'm ok, you know I'd come to you if I wasn't."
"Promise?"
"Yeah." Hopefully that would shut Paddy up and just in case it didn't Aaron decided to change the conversation. "Is it ok if I stay over, sleep on the sofa. the Wooly will be all locked up and I forgot my key." He hadn't, he couldn't explain it but he wanted to stay at the Smithy tonight.
"Course it is." Paddy smiled in delight, he liked the idea of having Aaron back under his roof. "I'll get you a blanket."
... ...
Aaron woke to the sound of milk bottles clinking outside, the milkman was as regular as clockwork, you could tell the time by him and Aaron knew it had to be around 7am. Only when he opened his eyes did he remember where he was. Yawning he pondered over whether to go back to sleep or not, he was tired, he could do with another hour at least. The sofa was as comfortable as a sofa could be but he hadn't slept all that well. He'd taken a long journey down memory lane, had kept remembering things about his time here with Jackson, like the first night Jackson had spent here... and inevitably his last night here! Paddy had helped carry his bed down into the living room, he'd lifted Jackson into it. He'd actually gone to bed that night with a smile on his face, content to have Jackson lying next to him again. That particular memory had left him aching for Jackson, and it had brought on silent tears, they'd trickled endlessly down his face and...
Aaron scrambled into a sitting position, he'd been unnerved by a hazy memory of what had happened next. His tears had been wiped away! Jackson had wiped them away... no... what was he saying? He must have fallen asleep and dreamt that bit. He hadn't dreamt about Jackson in a long time, but with him being so much on his mind last night he was bound to dream about him wasn't he? He wished he could remember more of that dream, there had to be more.
Hearing movement upstairs Aaron decided to get up and put the kettle on, Paddy had promised him a 'full English' this morning and his stomach was now rumbling at the thought of it, he'd have to run it off later though!
... ...
It was early evening and Aaron still hadn't been for a run. He's spent most of the morning at Paddy's, Leo hadn't wanted him to go and he'd been happy to 'stay and play', but he was in need of a shower and a change of clothes so had eventually dragged himself away. His mum had been waiting with a long list of jobs for him to do, time consuming jobs they were too, it was as if she was deliberately trying to keep him busy. It was teatime before he knew it, and for his tea his mum had given him pie and chips. Chas knew he didn't like running on a full stomach, and it would have been ready to burst if he'd eaten the mountain of chips on his plate. He knew what she was doing, she was trying to stop him running, well he was determined he wasn't going to get into an argument with her about it, he knew she loved him and just couldn't stop herself from interfering in his life. He didn't like it but knew there was little he could do about it.
After eating half his tea he'd sat by the bar and took his time over a pint. The pub was busy, it usually was on a Saturday night. There was a good atmosphere and he was just mulling over having another pint when Robert and Chrissie walked in. They headed for the only unoccupied table, one that just happened to be directly in his field of vision! Chrissie was laughing, obviously happy. When her attention momentarily moved to a neighbouring table Robert's gaze settled on him. Aaron told himself to look away but found he couldn't, he was waiting for a smile or a nod of the head in acknowledgement, one he planned to ignore, but what he got was a smirk! He should have looked away then but no and so witnessed something even more sickening, Robert pulling Chrissie to him and kissing her. He'd had to look away then. Downing the last of his pint he made his way around the bar, he could sense Robert's eyes on him, knew he was expecting him to turn around and look in his direction, but he wasn't going to. Seeing Robert all over Chrissie had pissed Aaron off big time, he knew he'd done it deliberately, hoping to make him jealous, It hadn't worked, he might have been jealous yesterday but not today and not any more.
... ...
He was pushing himself again this evening, going faster, further and over more difficult terrain. Two hours in he was hurting, his lungs, his muscles, his feet all protesting his efforts. It had stated to rain, endless drizzle. It was getting late too, he'd have to turn around soon and head home, he needed to get on to familair territory before it went dark or else he might find himself lost.
He was in a wooded area, and although his ipod drowned out any noise, his other senses were being bombarded with the sights and aromas of the dank leafy expanse. He raised his eyes skyward as the rain turned heavier, spying what he thought was a buzzard he watched it's effortless flight. It was just a brief loss of concentration, a momentary one, but it was long enough to end his run. The tree root was barely visible amongst the fauna that covered the ground but he'd have seen it if he'd been concentrating. Aaron's foot caught in the twisted outgrowth and he hit the ground with a sickening thud.
The pain in his ankle was indescribable but it told him he'd broken something. He lay panting, trying not to move for fear of making the pain worse. But as the rain splattered his face he realised lying there wasn't an option, reaching into his pocket he pulled out his phone, he needed help and fast. "Shit!" Aaron spat on realising he had no signal, 'what the hell did he do now?'
It had been at least an hour since he'd fallen, he'd been slowly dragging himself back in the direction he'd come. The road was still miles away, and Aaron knew it would take him all night to get there. Still he had to try, and hopefully as he moved closer to the village his phone would work.
Pain compounded by exhaustion finally overpowered him and Aaron lay defeated. He was cold and wet and he wanted to close his eyes and sleep but knew if he did he might never wake up again.
But was that really such a bad idea? As he drifted into the comforting darkness he felt someone touch his cheek, the gentle caress had him force his eyes open. It was all a blur, he blinked several times desperately trying to clear his vision and slowly a familiar face swam into focus, "Jackson!"
TBC