It's pretty long so get comfy.
Ch.4 Weighted Sorrow & Broken Glass
(ZIG)
"We'll pick you up in an hour," Mom says when we pull up to the hospital.
I wasn't here because I was sick or hurt; I was here to visit Maya. The school shooting was hard on everyone, some more than others, but Maya and Clare were most definitely taking it the hardest. In different ways and for different reasons but they were both hanging on by a thread and both their threads were getting more and more frayed each day. You always hear that time heals all wounds well it wasn't true, in fact time almost seemed to be making things worse for the two of them.
"I know," I nod and get out of the car walking through the automatic doors at the main entrance.
I hate hospitals, the way they smell, the way the disinfectant smell gets on my tongue and I can taste it, the bright lights that shine off the white tile floor and the feeling of sick in the air. They always try to make hospitals bright and happy but to me they're just depressing, of course it doesn't help that I'm here to see the girl I like and I'm so worried about her it's depressing me.
I find my way to the psych ward and tell the nurse I'm here to see Maya, she gives me the room number and I find her room. Maya is sitting in the bed staring at a book, she's not actually reading just staring. Her room is small but it's a private room, there's no padded walls or anything, she's not restrained to the bed, for the most part it looks like a normal hospital room. Maya doesn't have an IV in and she's not hooked up to monitors, she doesn't even looks sick really just not present, her expression is blank.
"Hey Maya how are you feeling?" I ask coming into her room.
She looks over at me but her expression is still blank, she barely looks like Maya, she looks like a ghost or shadow of the girl I was crazy about. I still am crazy about her but this zombie Maya isn't Maya and it's disconcerting, it's like someone stripped away her personality for a blank slate. She doesn't even seem to register me, or recognize me, there's no smile, no recognition in her eye just an empty gaze. I sit on the edge of the bed, and take her hand. She does at least squeeze my hand back, it's the first sign that my Maya is still in there somewhere. The silence becomes uncomfortable so I start talking to fill the silence.
"Everyone misses you, we had to go to group therapy yesterday, I don't know how much it helped. It definitely didn't help Clare; she ran out and went home with Adam. Tris is better, his arm will heal and he'll have most of his range of movement. I'm still sleeping at his house and Owen is anxious for you to come back, I don't think he likes not having you nearby so he can keep an eye on you. We're all hurting Maya, all of us and we're all trying to heal together, even Clare…sort of. We hang out at the Torres house a lot and everyone asks about you when we're over there," I tell Maya.
"Tell them I'm okay," she speaks softly looking down but I do see a glimmer of an expression on her face, it's sorrow or guilt maybe, I only saw it for a second so it's hard to tell.
"You don't look okay," I comment.
"They give me lots of sedatives and it makes me numb," she responds but this doesn't really make me feel better.
"Maya it's time for therapy," a nurse says coming into the room. "You can wait but she won't be back for an hour," the nurse tells me.
"I'll come back I have to give my statement to the cops anyway," I reply. "I'll be back Maya," I tell her kissing her forehead. One corner of her mouth turns up the tiniest bit. It's the smallest partial smile I've ever seen but I'll take what I can get.
The nurse takes Maya but I still have a long time before Mom comes for me so I go down to the cafeteria and get some lunch. I sit there wondering how to help Maya, or if I can even help Maya. Maybe it was all just too much and she's just gone, as much a casualty of that terrible day as Tori, Eli, Katie and the others.
After eating I go to the gift shop, mostly just to kill time but I might as well pick something up for Maya. I look at the trinkets and flowers, the get well cards and stuffed animals, the balloons and clothing. They're all nice but I don't think any of it is really going to make Maya feel better. Then I see a notebook with a treble clef on it and I remember how she used to use her music to express herself, like all good musicians. I buy the notebook and a flower since it's all I can afford, the lady gives me a little blank card to go with it and I go back up to Maya's room. I place the notebook on her bed and the flower on top of that, I have to go out to the nurse's station to borrow a black marker. The card was small and I could only write a few words but I hope it helps, placing the card on the flower and notebook so she'll see it all when she gets back from therapy. The card reads: Let the music heal you.
(DALLAS)
"How'd your statement go?" Owen asks Zig when he comes in.
"Fine I guess, did they make you guys close your eyes and walk through everything again?" Zig inquires.
"Yeah it's called a cognitive interview, it isn't pleasant but you recall details you might not have before," Adam responds.
"Great I have to do mine later this afternoon," I comment.
Clare is currently in the shower or we wouldn't be talking about the interviews because she sort of snaps every time they're brought up. Actually the water turned off almost twenty minutes ago but I don't hear her in the washroom. The doors still closed though, girls do take a long time in the washroom, she must be doing her hair or something.
"I saw Maya, she's so drugged up she was like a zombie it was kind of disturbing. I only saw her for a few minutes before she had to go to therapy. I left her a notebook so that she could write music, it's how she can best let the emotions out, I just hope she uses it," Zig tells us.
"That was a good idea Zig," Owen says and I nod. What Zig did gave me an idea, Clare's a writer and if she won't talk about it maybe I can get her to write about it. I'll stop and get her some stuff after I give my statement.
"Yeah it's all I could think of a…"
Zig gets cut off by a piercingly blood curdling scream and the sound of shattering glass in the washroom! Everyone jumps up and runs to the washroom, Adam and I reach it first and start pounding on the door!
"CLARE!" We yell together as the adults run downstairs.
"Clare open the door!" Adam pleads but all we hear is silence.
"What's going on?" Audra questions but none of us answer.
"Clare open the door," I call but still silence, "get a screwdriver we ca…"
"Screw that, sorry Mrs. Torres," Owen says.
"Sorry for w…" Audra starts to ask but when Owen kicks in the washroom door she knows.
Clare looks up at us in tears, her arm is bleeding, the medicine cabinet mirror has shattered into dozens of pieces. Clare is holding a shard of glass on the flat part so it's not cutting her, as soon as the door was kicked in she dropped the shard so that only Owen, Adam and I saw her with it but it still has us all worried. Clare is dressed but she has no shoes on, I do have shoes on so I walk across the glass and pick her up. Everyone looks in the washroom and looks at Clare, I take her out to the sofa and look at her arm.
"It's a superficial cut I'll grab the first-aid kit from upstairs," Adam says.
Drew hands me a wet paper towel with some soap on it and I clean the blood from Clare's arm just as Adam returns. She needs one large bandage on her forearm but it could have been a lot worse.
"We'll clean this up why don't you kids go out for a while, take a walk and get some fresh air. Or go to the mall or a movie," Audra says.
"I'm sorry Audra I'll clean it up," Clare apologizes crying even harder.
"It's okay honey don't worry about it, I'm just glad you weren't hurt any worse," Audra assures her. "Take the minivan and Dallas I'm sure your parents can pick you up from wherever you go," Audra tells me.
Adam gets Clare's shoes, everyone gathers their things and we all walk outside. Adam has his arm around Clare, she's still crying but it's slowed down a little.
"I told Maya I'd go back and see her at the hospital," Zig speaks up.
"You want to go see Jake and Maya?" I ask Clare but she shakes her head.
"I'll take Zig and Tris to see Maya and we'll catch up to you guys later," Owen says.
They walk to his car and the rest of us get in the Torres minivan, had Owen, Tris and Zig come with us Clare or Bianca would have been sitting on a lap. Since they didn't Drew drives, Bianca takes the passenger seat and Clare sits in backseat between me and Adam. The two middle seats are empty and I consider calling Jenna and Connor but Jenna's barely left Alli's family since the shooting and Connor wants to stay with her. Fiona went home to New York after the funeral. And most of the team is either home for a few days or trying to avoid everyone.
"We could call Luke and Becky, see what they're up to and if they want to come with us," I suggest.
"Yeah good idea," Adam nods so I get out my phone and Drew starts driving in the direction of their house just in case.
"Hey we had to get out for a while you guys want to join us, we're not really sure where we're headed yet," I tell Luke when he answers.
"That would be good," Luke replies.
"We'll pick you up, we're already headed that way," I inform him.
Luke says cool and hangs up, Clare hasn't said a thing but she's not crying now. Drew pulls up to the Baker's house, Luke and Becky are waiting outside.
"So where should we go?" Drew asks when Luke and Becky are in the minivan. "Clare?" Drew questions when no one says anything.
"The a…no never mind," she shakes her head as her eyes fill with tears again. "Beach," she says softly but Drew hears her and starts driving.
"I can reschedule my statement," I offer while we drive. Clare simply shakes her head which I take to mean I shouldn't reschedule.
Drew parks at the beach; we all get out, walk along the sidewalk and then take off our shoes before we walk down to the sand. Clare sits down in the sand so we all sit with her, after a couple of minutes Drew and Bianca decide to walk along the waters edge. Then Becky decides to put her feet in the water so naturally Adam goes with her. Luke stays with us for a short time but then gets thirsty and leaves us to get something to drink, he offers to get us something but Clare shakes her head again.
"Clare where's your cross necklace?" I inquire noticing that it's missing.
"I dropped it in the sand," she responds with an empty tone.
"Do you want me to help you look for it?" I offer.
"No I don't want to wear it anymore it's a symbol of something I don't believe anymore," she replies dryly.
My eyes go wide and my chest gets tight, she's losing her faith and she's losing it so easily. My family isn't religious, I wasn't raised with it and I don't have the same beliefs that she does, or did, still I fear that Clare losing her faith so easily will mean she'll lose an important piece of herself. It's not as though she went and explored the world to see different religions and decided that her faith just wasn't for her. She didn't even explore herself, this was a decision she made suddenly and for no apparent reason. She's barely held onto a drop of the girl she was before that day, I saw her holding that glass shard and I'm really worried what losing her faith means and what it will do to her.
"Why?"
"How could there be a God that would allow such pain? Why would he take Eli, Alli, Katie and everyone else that was killed? Why would a loving God as I've been led to believe my entire life let these things happen. How could Eli dying, Jake being wounded and Maya going crazy be a part of his plan?" She wails but her tone is angry.
I don't have an answer; I've only ever been in a church for weddings or funerals so I don't even know how to begin to answer. I do know that she can't make this decision so lightly and I need to help her find her faith again or at least talk to someone that can help which is most definitely not me. Clare brings her knees to her chest and puts her head down as my phone rings. It's my mom saying they need to pick me up so we can go to the police station for my statement. I tell her where we are and that I'll meet them at the street, grabbing my shoes I pull Clare up with me. I walk her down to where Adam and Becky are standing in the water; well Adam is standing at the edge and really just watching Becky play tag with the water.
"Hey I have to go, keep an eye on her," I say to Adam. He nods and puts his arm around her, my instinct is to kiss Clare's cheek but I don't, just tell her I'll see her later and start walking back to the street. I see Luke walking back and I go over to him. "Clare's with Becky and Adam, I'm going to need your help but not today," I tell Luke.
"What's up?" He asks.
"Clare's losing her faith, or lost it, I'm really worried about what it will do to her. She doesn't even seem to have thought about it and I just feel like it's detrimental to her to take something like that and without any thought just give up," I inform him.
Luke nods but doesn't say anything and I walk out to the street to wait for my parents while I worry that Clare's lost herself and Maya's lost her mind.
(ADAM)
"Hey Owen called, he's on his way over with Zig and Tris," Drew says walking up with his arm around Bianca.
"Good, Dallas went to give his statement," I tell them.
"I'm going to sit down," Clare announces and starts walking up the sand again. We all follow her and sit back where our shoes are. We sit in silence for a few minutes before Owen, Zig and Tris sit with us. "How's Maya?" Clare asks.
"They have her super medicated, she's basically in a coma but she's conscious," Owen answers.
Clare bites her lip and looks back at the sand. She never told us why she screamed and broke the mirror this morning and I've been too afraid to ask. Just like I'm afraid to ask why her cross necklace is gone, everyone else seems afraid to ask as well because no one brings it up.
After a few minutes of silence Bianca leans against Drew and watches the water, Becky seems to think this is a good idea and leans against me. Clare hasn't looked up from the sand; Luke and Owen are talking about hockey to distract themselves while Zig and Tris are sort of digging in the sand with their hands. After a couple minutes Clare puts her head down on her knees, she doesn't seem to be crying just hiding. She stays that way for almost half an hour before picking her head up.
"Owen can you take me home please?" Clare requests.
"We can leave, I'm sure the glass is cleaned up now," Drew says.
"No you guys don't need to leave you look like you're having a good time," Clare shakes her head.
"You screamed and smashed a mirror you don't really think we're not all going with you," Bianca comments standing up and putting her arm around Clare's shoulders.
Clare looks down ashamed, whether it's for breaking the mirror or for why she broke the mirror I'm not sure. We all walk together, parting only to go to two different cars but Owen pulls up behind us when we turn onto the road back to my house. We park in the driveway and Owen parks on the street; we get out and start walking for the basement when I hear people calling to us from across the street. Or rather reporters calling to us from the other side of the street, and they start running over, they know our names and they're asking a bunch of questions all at once.
"Adam Torres you were in the storage room when your best friend Eli Goldsworthy was shot what were you feeling?"
"Clare Edwards is there anything you'd like to say to the girl that wanted to kill you and killed your boyfriend when he tried to take her gun?"
"Tristan Milligan when Tori Santamaria was shot what went through your mind?"
"Zig Novak you knew the kids that brought the guns to school is that correct?"
"Drew Torres you carried Clare Edwards outside to safety do you consider yourself a hero?"
"Owen Milligan how were you feeling when you tried to save Eli Goldsworthy's life?"
All the questions are fired off by the reporters at once, we can barely hear them and we're trying to get to the basement but the the reporters are surrounding us. Clare is shaking, she's sobbing and she's almost stopped walking.
"Move we're not talking to reporters," my brother says angrily.
"Don't you want to share your story? People have a right to kn…"
"NO THEY DON'T!" Clare screams before the guy finishes.
"We have no comment, you want a statement go through my Mom first," I respond while Zig and I take Clare and push our way through the reporters to get in the basement. The others follow us and the reporters are smart enough to stay off our property. Clare sits on the sofa and I put on the TV while everyone else sits down. Drew sends a text to Dallas to let him know we're home while I flip channels.
"You're home, is anyone hungry? There's lots of food," Mom offers coming down the stairs a little. Everyone but Clare says they're hungry and goes upstairs. "Clare sweetie you need to eat, your mom brought fruit salad and your favorite biscuits," Mom encourages.
"Come on let's go eat," I assert pulling Clare up.
There's a buffet set up like every day because people keep bringing food over. We get plates and start getting food when there's a knock on the door. Mom opens it and Mr. Simpson comes in with a woman I recognize but only because I've seen her picture around school.
"Emma!" Clare exclaims and everyone else looks over.
"Hi Clare," Emma smiles walking over and hugging Clare tightly, Clare doesn't hug her back and is still holding her empty plate.
"What are you doing here?" Clare inquires.
"Is there somewhere we can talk?" Emma asks.
"You can use my room," I offer.
Clare sets down her plate but tugs at my sleeve so I guess I'm going with her. Clare and I lead Emma up to my room, Clare and I sit on my bed while Emma sits in my desk chair.
"You know that Rick brought a gun to school and he was going to shoot me," Emma says.
"Yes but that was entirely different, Rick brought a gun to school because he was bullied and when Sean and Rick struggled for the gun Rick was killed not Sean. Talia, Damian and Harry were just psychotic, they wanted revenge but not on bullies and when Eli struggled for Talia's gun he got shot and died! You didn't have to watch Sean die, watching him being drained of life isn't the only thing you remember," Clare responds in a voice filled with agony. She's crying again, tears streaming down her face and she looks at her hands.
"No but for a while the gun was the only thing I could remember, the gun and the sound of the gunshot," Emma responds and Clare cringes when Emma says sound of the gunshot. "You don't have to talk about it right now Clare but you can't keep it all inside forever. I'll be here through the weekend, Spin's here too, he's helping at the school," Emma tells her. Clare nods a little; Emma looks at her a few more seconds and then leaves my room.
"Clare…"
"I don't want to talk about it Adam," she cuts me off before I've even said anything.
"Okay you want to tell me why you screamed and smashed the mirror this morning or why your cross necklace is suddenly gone?" I inquire.
"I don't believe in God anymore, I can't believe that it was part of God's plan to have Eli die that way, or Alli. Or to have Jake be hurt and Maya go crazy, if God is that cruel I don't want any part of it," she says between choked breaths and heavy sobs.
I don't think getting into a talk about faith is going to do any good right now; Clare won't listen, not at the moment anyway. So I venture to find out what happened in the washroom again.
"And what about the mirror?" I ask slowly.
"I don't want to talk about it, I'm not crazy Adam," she responds but her voice has a desperation to it.
"No one said that you were but you need to talk Clare, Emma's right you can't just hold it all inside, you're slowly imploding," I tell her.
"I don't want to talk; I don't want to think about it. I don't want to talk about how I felt knowing Talia wanted me to die! I don't want to talk about how Eli died for me and I watched! I don't want to talk about how Alli was killed for no reason," Clare's tone is nearly hysterical and she's crying so hard she can barely breathe.
"Then how about writing?" Dallas' voice in the doorway makes me look over. He's holding a couple of notebooks and some pens. "You're a writer you can write about it, I bought these but you don't have to use them you can do it on a laptop but it would probably help to write," he tells her coming in the room and sitting next to Clare.
"Write what?" She asks but her crying has slowed.
"Anything Clare, write your feelings, a letter to Alli, do stream of consciousness writing it doesn't really matter as long as you're getting some of what's inside onto the page because you won't talk about it and I'm afraid it's going to eat you up so much inside that you're going to die too!" I scold with annoyance, anger but most of all worry. Clare bites her lip and starts crying a little harder but she does at least take the notebooks from Dallas. I hug her tightly so she knows I'm not really angry at her and she hugs me back a little. "I'll go downstairs and get us some food and you some water, we can eat in my room," I tell Clare and she nods.
I know Dallas will stay with her so I go downstairs, our plates are right where we left them, Clare's was empty so I just put a little extra food on mine and grab a water bottle from the fridge. I start walking upstairs again when I hear my bedroom door slam and Dallas is standing there.
"What did you do?" I question with a reprimanding tone.
"Screwed up," he replies.
"Obviously what did you say to her?" I inquire.
"I told her that I was there if she wanted to talk or for anything she needed, and that I cared about her. She told me no one could ever care about her like Eli did, I said that I did and I kissed her, and then she slapped me and told me to leave. She pushed me out and slammed the door in my face. I know kissing her was probably bad but…"
"Relax I know your intentions were good, I'll talk to her so she knows, you should probably go downstairs," I tell Dallas. He hangs his head and starts walking downstairs, I knock on the door to my room but Clare doesn't answer. "It's just me, Dallas went downstairs," I assure her and she opens the door.
"I need some air," she says taking the biscuit off my plate.
"I'll come with you," I tell her.
"No I'm just going to sit on the steps outside the kitchen, I'll be back in a few minutes I just need a minute," Clare tells me.
She's not crying she's actually rather calm; maybe the kiss from Dallas shocked her into reality. She takes the water bottle and gives me a sad smile.
"Okay, I'll be in the basement but I'll come get you if you're not inside in a few minutes, and be careful of the reporters," I tell her.
She nods and we walk downstairs together, I tell Mom Clare needs some air and Mom nods. Mom opens the kitchen door for her and I watch Clare sit on the top step, Mom closes the door and I go down to the basement.
"Where's Clare?" Dallas asks when I sit down on the sofa.
"She's sitting on the outside steps, she needed some air, I told her I'd come get her if she wasn't inside in a few minutes," I reply before I start eating.
"Is she still mad at me?" Dallas asks.
"Why what'd you do?" Drew questions.
"It's fine he meant well he just wasn't thinking, something you've done plenty of times," I remind my brother.
"That's for damn sure," Bianca chimes in and Drew grimaces at her so she kisses him.
I watch TV while eating my food and when Clare hasn't come back in I set down my plate and go outside to check on her, only Clare's not on the step. I start to panic but before tell myself I'm panicking needlessly since it's possible she came back in and went up to my room instead of facing Dallas, which is totally something Clare would do. So I take my plate and go upstairs, I put my plate in the sink and go up to my room but Clare's not there, she's not in the washroom, Drew's room or my parent's room either.
"Did Clare come inside?" I ask when I go downstairs again.
"No we haven't seen her, is everything okay?" Mom asks.
"She isn't here, we need to find her," I reply while running downstairs again. "Clare's gone, split up and find her I'm worried about what she might do," I command.
"Bianca and I will check her house," Drew says and I nod but I doubt she's there.
"Dallas you and Zig start driving west, Owen take Tris and go east, Dallas see if you can borrow your parents car, I'm taking Dad's," I order.
"Where are you going?" Dallas asks.
"I think I know where she's gone, at least I hope so but I need to go alone. If anyone else finds her call me," I tell them and run back upstairs. I tell Mom I'm taking her car, grab my keys and run out to her car jumping in. The entire drive I look for Clare, I don't see her before I reach my destination and I park in the trees so she doesn't run when she hears the car.
I approach slowly, this abandoned church holds a lot of memories, I threw a party for Fiona here, Eli went a little crazy when he thought Clare would break up with him. The three of us spent many hours here together. I see Clare now she's sitting on one of the broken walls, crying and holding a piece of jagged metal in her hand, hovering the metal above her right wrist. I run over grabbing the metal from her hand and tossing it away.
"CLARE WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"
"I SHOULDN'T BE ALIVE ADAM TALIA WANTED TO KILL ME THAT DAY! ELI'S DEATH NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED; HE DIED TRYING TO PROTECT ME!" She screams back.
"I know but killing yourself isn't going to bring Eli back, it isn't going to make it so that day never happened! You'll be dead and I'll have lost both my best friends! You can't kill yourself and leave me because I need you Clare! I was there that day too, I watched Eli die too and I won't watch you kill yourself to be with him!"
"He loves me Adam, he died to save me and I have to be with him!"
"In what fucked up world does that make sense?!" I demand.
"I HEAR HIS VOICE ADAM! I HEAR HIM TELLING ME HE LOVES ME AND NO ONE ELSE WILL EVER LOVE ME!" She shrieks and then takes a deep breath sinking down against the wall. "I hear him just like I hear you and I'm not crazy," she cries and her voice is begging for me to agree with her sanity.
I sit down next to her and put my arm around her, "I believe you Clare and I don't think you're crazy. I think you feel guilty because you lived and Eli didn't."
"But I shouldn't have, she wanted to kill me, she meant to kill me! I should have died, she had the gun pointed to my temple, I can still feel the heat from the gun barrel. I was supposed to die but Eli stopped her, and now he's dead!"
"He died saving you Clare, Talia wanted to kill you to be with Eli and he died saving the girl he loved."
"I'm not worth that sacrifice, how could my life be traded for his!"
"No one said it was but Eli loved you enough to risk his life saving yours. He died saving you, he wanted you to live Clare but if you commit suicide it doesn't save anyone and I lose both of the best friends I've ever had! You can't do it, I need you Clare, I need you here and alive, so you can't kill yourself because I need you. Eli doesn't need you anymore but I do so you have to stay with me," I command her but my tone is also pleading. Clare looks at me with a hugely remorseful look and takes my hand.
"He's gone Adam," she says as her tears come a little harder and she puts her head on my shoulder. "He's dead but his eyes won't leave my mind. He shouldn't have died, he stopped her because he loved me but I hated him Adam," she confesses. "I was so angry at Eli for the way he broke up with me, for not talking to me, for sneaking out to a party and taking drugs. I could barely look at him and then we were in that room and Talia had that gun to my head and all I could think was I was going to die and then Eli stopped her. He tried to take the gun and he got shot, I hated him and he knew I hated him so why would he die for me?"
"Because he never stopped loving you Clare, because Eli would do anything for you and he knew that even though you hated him you still loved him too. He's dead but he's not gone, we'll keep alive in our hearts and our memories," I tell her.
"But all I remember are his eyes going dark as he died," she counters picking her head up from my shoulder.
"Because you have PTSD Clare, I watched Drew go through it I know what it looks like. You can talk to him about it; he'll tell you that it gets better. Eventually you'll be able to remember more and the better memories will come back and outweigh the bad ones again. When you hear Eli's voice it's your own guilt Clare, you don't honestly think Eli would risk his life to save you and then want you to kill yourself? As much as you guys went through, as many ups and downs as your relationship had and as much as he despised to see you with other guys all Eli ever wanted was for you to be happy Clare."
"How can I ever be happy again when all I can think about is Eli dying? If I even start to think about it I feel like I'm betraying him, betraying what we had. Eli died for me how am I supposed to be happy? How can I ever be with anyone else? No one else will ever love me the way Eli did," she says her voice is strained again and her tears are coming faster.
"You're right no one else will ever love you the way Eli did but if you let them they can love you in their own way. Me for one, I've loved you just as long as Eli has, in a totally platonic way but I love you Clare. More importantly I need you, I need you to help me mourn the loss of my other best friend, I need you to let me cry on your shoulder and I need you to let me yell and scream and understand. I need you to talk about Eli with me because no one else in this world knew him like we did. And I'm gonna need you for the rest of my life because you understand me in a way no one else ever will. And I'm not the only one, Dallas needs you a…"
"No," Clare shakes her head, "no I can't."
"Yes you can Clare, I'm not saying to start dating Dallas right now but don't close yourself off to it because you feel some warped sense of loyalty to Eli, he wants you to be happy. If you let him I think Dallas can make you happy. He likes you Clare, he cares about you and I think you could both be good for each other. I know you're not ready for a relationship but don't completely shut out the possibility. You won't be hurting this much forever Clare, the worst possible thing you can do is cut yourself off and find when you are open to the possibility Dallas is gone."
Clare is quiet; she bites her lip looking at her hand that's holding mine. I can see the wheels turning in her head; she grips my hand a little tighter like she's trying to feel what's real. I hug her a little tighter but I don't speak, I know her she just needs a minute.
"I'm sorry Adam," she apologizes looking right in my eyes for the first time in days and for the first time since the shooting I see a piece of my best friend back.
"Don't be sorry just don't ever scare me like that again," I reply.
"I promise," she says with a soft smile and kisses my cheek.
"Are you ready to go home? My home of course I'm not letting you go back to your place for a long time," I tell her.
"Can we make a couple of stops first?" She requests.
"Yeah where do you want to go?" I ask her.
"First the cemetery, I need to say goodbye. I really didn't do it at the funeral I wasn't ready. I'm not really ready now but I need to try," she tells me.
"Good, I'm proud of you it's a big step, so where are we going after that?"
"The hospital to see Maya, I didn't want to see her because I was sure I was going to end up in the room next to her. And I want to see Jake again," she responds. I stand up and give her my hand to help her up, we walk to the car and I text Drew that I found her and we'll be home in a while but we have a couple of stops first. "Adam," she says when we're in the car and I look at her, "I love you too."
"You better," I respond and she giggles just a little but there's actual amusement in her voice. She's coming back, bit by tiny bit she's coming back. It could take years before she's truly back to the Clare that she was and there will always be a damaged part of her because of what happened. But I didn't lose her today and I very easily could have. "You ready to do this?" I ask her when we reach the cemetery.
"No, not even a little but I need to do it," she replies as we get out of the car.
"I'll be with you the whole time," I tell her putting my arm around her.
We walk through the cemetery gates and head for Eli's headstone to say our goodbyes.
Update Friday November 7th picking up right about here, Clare and Adam going to the hospital and Maya getting out.