A/N: Hey everyone. Thank you so much for all the reviews- sorry about that nasty cliffy I left you with. I'm a bit depressed that this story is coming to a close. One more chapter after this. And I'm leaving you with a bit of a cliffy again. Anyway, thanks again for the reviews- and I wouldn't say no to a few more.

James couldn't sleep. He'd been lying in his bed for what seemed like hours listening to the clock on his wall tick. Tomorrow they were going back to Hogwarts and term would be starting again, with new vengeance. NEWTs were coming up.

Exams were all James would allow himself to concentrate on. Every time he began to think about Lily, or what had happened with Sirius, an immense lump of guilt formed in his throat and he would be torn between wanting to cry and sick up. He felt he desperately needed to talk to someone, but who?

James got up and moved to the window seat, taking his wand and school book with him. If he was going to be awake he might as well be productive, and get some homework done.

The moon was visible from where James sat. It had been full just two days ago. Just as James was thinking of Remus, and hoping he as okay, he saw Oryx, his family owl, flying towards the house, a letter tied to its leg. It stopped at his father's window which opened for it, and hopped inside. James wondered who the letter was from.

Roughly twenty minutes later, when James had just about forgotten about Oryx and the letter was delivering, possibly from his mother, when he heard the window be opened again. Oryx flew out, a new letter tied to her leg; or at least James assumed it was new.

James leaned his head against the wall and looked out the window at the owl soaring away. He wished he could get on his broom and do the same, but if he left the house elf would follow him on his fathers orders, and in the end it wasn't worth the effort.

Ona, the Potters house elf, had been following both James and Sirius whenever they left their rooms since the 'incident', as Mr. Potter called it. If either were in the same room at the same time, she would curl her ears forward to catch every word said, and report to James's father. Because of this, they hadn't been able to talk about the kiss since it happened.

Immediately after Mr. Potter walked in on them, they had been yelled at and then sent to their separate rooms so that Mr. Potter could think about what to do about this particular situation. In the end, having Ona follow the boys every move when he couldn't was the best he was able to come up with.

James and Sirius had gone on with their holiday, each pretending as though nothing had happened between them. For the most part it worked, and occasionally they would forget anything had ever happened, and it would be just like it had before. But then there were also times when a room would fall silent, and the air would be heavy with tension that one of them would have to leave for fear of doing something they might regret afterwards.

Sirius waited for some acknowledgment from James about the kiss, but the closest he came to was a blush if their skin came in accidental contact, or the odd moment when he would catch James watching him. It wasn't much, but it was enough for Sirius. He had worked his way into that part of James's world, now he just had to conquer it.

---

Morning came and with it the bustle of trying to find any left-behind items the boys might have forgotten to pack. For such a large and relatively empty house, it was surprisingly noisy as James and Sirius joked and ran about while Mr. Potter shouted at them to hurry up or they'd be late.

They got through the barrier and onto the platform just in time to hear the Hogwarts Express issue a final warning whistle. Dragging their trunks, James and Sirius made they're way through the crowd and onto the train, working their way towards the front where they hoped to find Peter, Remus, and Lily.

They found them on the third compartment from the front, and all three faces turned when the boys opened the door. Remus still appeared to be recovering from the last full moon but he masked it well, moving aside to make room for Sirius and James and asking them how their holiday was.

"Fine." They both responded quickly. James glanced around, and then covered his tracks. "Um, so how was you guys's holidays?"

"Hi James, how are you?" Lily asked, the bitterness in her voice apparent. "I missed you over break, thank you for writing."

James reddened, and stared down at his hands. He had written her just once during break, and the letter had sounded short and insincere even to him. He hadn't been able to think of what to say, he was afraid if he wrote too much he would give something away, some crucial information about what he had done and that would be the end of it. He couldn't have that.

"Maybe he was just too busy over break to write, ever think of that?" Sirius replied.

"You know what Sirius? Shut up. We aren't talking to you and what James does is none of your business."

"Isn't it, though?" Sirius smiled cocksurely, eyes glistening as though he knew something she didn't. Lily wanted to slap him.

"No, it isn't. It isn't and it never has been and it never will be. So there." She crossed her arms lamely over her chest.

"Ohh, witty. Not so confident now though, are we?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Lily answered. She looked over to James, who was still starting at his hands, concentrating much harder than necessary. Remus looked out the window quickly when she looked over at him. She turned to Peter, who was just watching them contentedly, as one would a mildly entertaining television show.

"Its probably a good thing then, that you don't. You wouldn't like it if you did; no, you wouldn't like it at all. Though I'm not one to ruin surprises, they always are fun, aren't they?"

Lily got the distinct feeling that he was mocking her, but for the life of her she couldn't think of why. Then it hit her, like a car crash killing everyone but the one at fault. He felt he had won. Something had happened over break, and now he felt he'd won. And James, James wasn't helping any. He just sat there, blushing furiously as though he had the world to be embarrassed about. So Sirius must be why he didn't kiss her when they came on the train. He always greeted her with a kiss before.

Sirius sat back, watching Lily's face change with her thoughts, growing steadily more enraged. She hated him right then and he knew it, relished it. He felt he had just won a battle and the spoils of war were for his taking.

Lily couldn't stand to be in the compartment any longer. She stood up suddenly and announced she was going to do her rounds now, her head girl duties. All the boys heads turned to watch her leave- all but one. Sirius was watching James.

---

Lily felt a wave of relief as she stepped out of the compartment. She hadn't realized how thick the tension there was in there until she left it. She walked the length of the train and back again, only stopping briefly to issue a warning. She turned around and walked it again, just for good measure. Too soon she found herself back at the compartment James and the rest of the marauders were in. She didn't want to go back in there.

Remus watched Lily pass the compartment a second time, and then a third. The fourth time he saw her he stood up, claiming to need to use the loo. He thought he should talk to her. Remus walked down the train, following Lily until he saw her disappear into an empty compartment. He slid in and sat across from her. There were tears streaming down her face. He hesitated for a minute, then made a quick decision. She deserved to know, and only by telling her could he help her work out the predicament she was in.

"Lily, I want to tell you something." He began.

---

"I just don't get it though, why wouldn't you tell me?" Lily asked Remus. They had been sitting in the compartment for near an hour, Remus spilling his guts. His guts, but not his heart. He hadn't told her everything.

Remus didn't know how to answer Lily. He had had plenty of reasons for keeping it a secret at first, but towards the end they started to slip away and all he was left with was two simple reasons that held the power to ruin everything- his fear, and because Sirius had asked him not to. And telling her that would betray his heart, leaving it open to be ravaged.

Lily watched the pain and heartache tear at and contort Remus's face, and her heart broke.

"You love him, don't you?" She whispered, her voice raspy, lips dry. Remus's eyes widened, then closed as he shook his head and exhaled.

"No. I- no. No." Remus lied, looking away. But then he caught her eye, and knew there was no pretending with her. "I didn't want to. I didn't even see it happen, it just snuck up on me. No; that's a lie. I saw it happen, and I tried to stop it. I tried to stop it. I ended it. I pushed it away. It wouldn't go away. G-d damn it Lily, he won't go away! I want to get him out of my mind. Every time I close my eyes I see him, when I lay up at night I see him, when I eat, when I sleep, when I - forgive me- wank I see him. He won't go away and I don't want him to, I just want out of this nightmare."

Remus covered his face with his hands and let out a choked sob. He felt two slender arms slip around his shoulders and he leaned in, wrapping his arms around Lily's waist. Lily buried her face in his shoulder and they sat in silence, each mind wrapped solely around their own separate, though intertwined problems.

Lily tried to focus on Remus, to concentrate on him for once, and not her own worries, but all Remus's confessions had managed to do was ground them. Sirius was a playboy. Not in the fashion the rest of the school fancied him, but still he was. He did not care about the feelings of Remus, he was all about the sex. And now he was after James; Lily was sure of it.

After some time Lily and Remus pulled apart, each wiping their eyes dry. Lily had let go of all her anger towards Remus for not being honest to her at first. She needed an ally, and she needed a friend. She also needed to talk.

"Remus, I'm worried about James. I- I think Sirius might be going after him."

"You think you might lose him?"

"No. Yes. Maybe, I don't know. I never would have thought it, but I don't know. I just get this feeling that something happened. Sirius was more confident than usual when he attacked me. I don't know, what do you think?" Lily looked to Remus for help. She had been so scared of admitting her feelings out loud, and even more afraid now that she had. Somehow, voicing it had made it seem more real. But she couldn't face it alone.

"I'm really sorry Lily, but I think you might be right. No- No don't get that look, it might not be something real. I don't think James would have cheated on you, you know James. He loves you too much. I just, I think that Sirius might have said something, or I don't know. You know it kills me to even think it. You know that, right?"

She did know it. She knew that watching Sirius and James together killed him just as much as it did her. She knew that if anything happened, if anything ever really happened, Remus wouldn't be able to take it. He would leave, he would end his friendship with them. She would too. She would have to, she could never watch James be with another person, much less with Sirius.

"What should I do?" She asked, her voice so quiet that had he not been looking at her, Remus would not have known she had even spoken. She didn't have to speak though, he knew the question. What he didn't know however, was the answer.

Remus shook his head sadly.

"You'll have to talk to him. You have to talk to James, find out what actually happened. You can't do anything without really knowing." But Lily already knew this. The approach scared her more than its execution.

---

Back in the third compartment from the front James, Sirius, and Peter sat in silence. Sirius wished desperately that Peter would leave, or at least fall asleep so that he and James could be alone. He had noticed that James hadn't kissed Lily when they got on the train, and the fact had pleased him. He wanted to know what James was thinking; he wanted to know if James was his.

His mind kept going back to that one moment in James's living room, when they had kissed. He hadn't felt so completely happy since he'd been with Remus. But Remus didn't want him, and James did... James did.

Sirius was restless. He was never good at sitting in one place for very long, and it was even harder for him with James sitting right there, staring out the window, oblivious, or at least pretending to be oblivious, to the world. Sirius was dying to sneak up on him, nibble on his ear, run his hand through his hair, taste those lips again.

Sirius sighed loudly, trying to catch James's attention. It didn't work, so Sirius stared up at the ceiling and started tapping on his thighs the beat to a popular wizarding rock group. James was still ignoring him. Sirius opened his mouth, and started belting out the lyrics:

"I kissed your lips and tasted blood. Dun nah nunah nunah nunah nunah nunah nunah nuh. I asked you what happened and you said there'd been a fight. Dun nah nunah nunah nunah nunah nunah nunah nuh. You said I've been..."

"Sirius, shut up or I'll make you shut up," James said, his wand pointing at Sirius's mouth. Sirius grinned.

"You will, will you? With your quill too. Interesting. Lost your wand have you?" Sirius joked.

"What?" James looked down to see if he really had pulled out a quill instead of his wand. He hadn't, it was his wand in his hand.

"Gotcha." Sirius said. He had used the moment of James' distraction to pull out his own wand, which was now pointed at James. He flipped it carelessly and, as an afterthought, uttered "expelliarmus."

James's wand flew up and out of his hand. Sirius kept it floating over his head, just out of arm's reach, teasing him. James tried to reach for it a few times and failed, so he knocked Sirius off his seat in protest. Sirius dragged him down with him.

And then the two of them were wrestling on the compartment floor, throwing mock punches that they knew would not hurt, putting each other into head locks and laughing all the while. Both wands fell to the floor. Neither of them noticed.

Peter eyed them enviously, wishing he could join in the fun, but both James and Sirius failed to see him. They were too absorbed in each other. The tension in the compartment didn't lessen, but it did change. It wasn't so uptight, it became deeper, more sexual. This was the most contact with each other James and Sirius had had all week, and they relished in it.

They tumbled across the compartment, gripping at each others robes, rubbing against each other, breathing hard. Sirius pinned James to the floor. Their eyes locked, both panting for air. James stared up into Sirius's eyes, let his gaze drift across his face, resting on his lips.

It was all that James could do to stop himself from closing the gap between the two of them- just mere centimeters- and take that mouth into his own and let out his desire. Sirius loosened his grip on James's robes, and let his hand drift up James's chest, cupping his face in his palm. 'I should make my move now.' He thought.

Peter coughed, and the moment broke. Both boys looked up, surprised to find themselves in the small compartment, Peter sitting just to the side of the, They stood up quickly, brushing dust off their robes and straightening them. Neither would look the other in the eye. They picked up their wands off the floor and sat back down. The awkward tension from before was back mixing in with the sexual tension, making it hard to breathe. James opened a window and ruffled his hair, as the door slid open and Remus walked in with Lily trailing behind.

Remus looked around the compartment. No one seemed to have moved since he left over an hour and a half ago, but something was dramatically different. Something had happened.

"Hey" He said, taking a seat next to Sirius.

"Where'd you go?" James asked, realizing Remus had been gone.

"The loo." Remus answered simply.

"Longest trip to the loo I've ever heard of. You sure you didn't get distracted on the way?" Sirius asked, taunting. He knew Lily would never do anything; he just wanted to get a reaction. James looked around and Remus reddened. Lily held her tongue. She wasn't going to play into Sirius's game; she had more important things to think over at the moment.

She had to figure out how she was going to get James alone, and how she was going to bring up the subject of Sirius with him. He was so touchy about it before, she didn't want him to go right on the defensive.

Lily sat next to James and leaned back, staring up at the ceiling. She knew they were talking about her, or talking about something that involved her, but she didn't care. She just kept staring up at the ceiling, blinking back the tears that were threatening to escape. She was afraid to look about the compartment. She was apprehensive of what she might see- a grin on Sirius's face, a guilty look from James, something that would tell her the very thing she least wanted and most feared.

Lily heard laughter. It was coming from James. He had his head tilted back, hair wild and unruly. There was a twinkle in his eye and he was looking at Sirius. Lily knew she couldn't wait to talk to him- she had to do it soon. She decided to pull him aside the second they got off the train at Hogsmeade. She would make sure Remus, Sirius and Peter got into a separate carraige from them. As long as she caught Remus's eye first, Lily knew he would understand and go along with her plan.

James felt a cool, silky hand take hold of his, the slim fingers lacing themselves between his own. He glanced over to Lily. She was looking at him, her eyes sad, hiding behind a half-hearted smile. He squeezed her hand softly and she sighed.

---

The compartment was quiet. The trolley had gone by an hour ago and they would be arriving in Hogsmeade within an hour. Sirius had fallen asleep, lying comfortably stretched out, his legs across Peter, feet in Remus's lap. Remus was trying with difficulty to ignore Sirius, and the region his feet were in such close proximity to. To take his mind off of it he had taken out his chess set, and he and Peter were battling through their second round.

James was still looking out the window, though he had stopped for a while to eat his way through his purchases from the trolley. Lily had taken to staring at her watch, following the second hand with her eyes. She was convinced it had stopped moving, that the train was going to trek on forever, and she would be stuck in this hell indefinitely. It was not a pleasing thought.

The sun had begun to go down, but the rays reflecting off the white of the snow brightened the landscape, making it seem earlier than it was. Lily's stomach gave a terrible lurch when she felt the train begin to slow. She could see Hogsmeade on the horizon, and despite her how much she had been waiting for the ride to end, she suddenly felt herself wishing it wouldn't.

She no longer wanted to confront James as she knew she must. She didn't want to hear him defend himself, she didn't want to question what he had done that holiday break. She didn't want to know why he barely wrote, why he didn't kiss her, or why he looked at Sirius like he had earlier. She didn't want to know any of it.

Lily caught Remus's eye, and he smiled. It wasn't a happy smile though, rather it was one filled with pity and desperation. She blinked and looked over at James. He kept gazing out the window.

The train whistled as it pulled into Hogsmeade and came to a stop. Within seconds the noise level rose dramatically, as students poured out of their compartments and pushed to exit the train. James made to stand up, but Lily grabbed his hand and pulled him back down.

"Wait," Lily said to him, then caught Remus's eye. He nodded at her, and ushered Sirius and Peter out of the compartment.

"What's going on?" James asked, confused. Lily shook her head, and watched the other students pass outside the window. When finally most of the carriages had filled and left, she led James off of the train. It was now or never.

---

James stood with his back to the wind, shielding himself and Lily from the biting cold. There was something about the way the sun was descending behind the black lake, throwing shadows across the grounds that was causing James to feel an immense sense of deja vou.

"Break up? What do you mean break up?"

Lily hesitated. She hadn't meant to say that; she didn't want to break up with him; she just wanted to know what was going between him and Sirius. But her tongue had gotten the best of her and something was going on behind her back, and she hated that he was trying to hide it from her.

"What do you mean what do I mean? Break up means break up- I can't get much clearer than that, now can I?"

"But, why?" James could feel his heart breaking into a million separate pieces.

"I think there is something going on between you and Sirius. You may be too shortsighted to see it but I'm not, and I can't be with you until you sort these feelings out." Lily started to cry.

"But I'm not… but there's… nothing… Lily!"

"James- No! I can't, I just can't be with you; not when you're so obviously in love with someone else!"Lily couldn't look at him anymore. The tears were streaming freely down her face and her nose had begun to run. She turned and ran away- away from him, away from the pain she felt and from the lies she was afraid he would try to feed her.

"Wait! But Lily, I love you!" James said, running after her. Lily stopped, and turned to look him squarely in the eyes.

"Really James? Do you love me? Because sometimes I don't know if I believe that. I want to, but actions speak louder then words. And your actions are screaming contradictions to what you just said.

"When have you ever defended me? Sirius insults me every day. Your best friend mocks me, bickers with me, and gives me evil looks everywhere I turn. When have you ever asked him to stop James? When have you ever told him no?

"You say that you love me, but I don't know that you do. Maybe you want to, maybe you think you do, but you have got to wake up.

"Something happened during break. Something with you and Sirius. I don't know what it is; I don't think I really want to know, but you have got to figure it out.

"I'm not going to have you lying to me. I'm not going to have only half a boyfriend. It's me or Sirius, James. You have to make the decision.

"Think carefully James, because I don't do second chances."