* Winner of "Best Paul/Bella", "Best Quote", and "The Underfictionated" in the 2016 Non-Canon Award.
I can't thank you enough.
* From March to May there are too many anniversaries of the not good kind than I can count, so those months always sucks.
Add renovations that was supposed to be three weeks, but are now closing in on eleven… There hasn't been much writing.
Thank you for your patience.
* Feel like you're missing something when you read? There will be an outtake to fill you in at a later date.
* Before you tell me that the relationship chan't last unless Bella is Paul's imprint, do me a favor and read through the chapters again.
You will find that I never called Emily Sam's imprint either.
The usual disclaimers for fanfiction applies.
Usually Hannah_perry85 betas but she's away for the week and I couldn't wait. Sorry for the mistakes, I'll replace this chapter when she worked her magic on it
4.
When we broke through the treeline thirty odd minutes later I was back to being me. Birdie and Sam worried at first, but I proved me right by suggesting she sucked me off. 'Cause her breath was the only thing not smelling of eau de moi, and that was a daaaamn shame if you asked me. Which they didn't.
Ruiner of my fun.
The music started the moment my foot touched the grass and I wanted to back off and try again to see if the lawn acted as an on/off button, but Sam wouldn't let me. My puppy-eyed pout didn't work on him. Baha Men's belting and barking out 'Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof, woof, woof' made my eyes do somersaults in their sockets. Not entirely comfortable. Neither was admitting I was impressed.
I had to give it to them though, doing this took guts, balls and humor. Who knew they had any.
Birdie's sweet breath hit my shoulder as she hummed against my skin, "You can put me down now."
It was hot, it was wet, it tickled and it went straight to my dick. Scwiiiiiiiiing! "Sorry babe," I whispered, just to give her the illusion of privacy since every-fucking-body could hear me anyway.
"I better hold on to you a little longer," or forever, whichever came first, "'cause the size of my big, fat cock would make 'em cryyyy with envy."
She giggled.
"Nooooot helping," I whimpered, already aching. What? It had been a half an hour. Maybe more. Good thing I had this fuckawesome balance going on 'cause without it I would've face planted every time my blood went south. "You're killing me, baby." I dipped my head and planted one on her.
She moaned into my mouth.
Take that, fuckers.
I wanted to rub their nose in it – not literally – but Birdie put a stop to that. "Be good."
…Naaaaaah.
Lowering her slooooowly to the porch floor, I rubbed her bits against my pieces and stroked her back from ass to neck. Her gasp was loud enough for Stinky and the Stool Pigeon to hear even without supernatural hearing. "Baby, you know I'm only good when I'm baaaaaad." I grinded my big, fat cock against her, so she could feel how hard she made me. "Your fault."
Truth.
Before I could get to the gooood parts the door was thrown open. It slammed into the wall with the force of it and not so suddenly I stood face to asses with a Katy Perry song.
Birdie's cheeks burned bright.
After offered them a small finger wave, "Oh, hi girls, didn't see you there," I pushed past them, holding my girl close and just outta reach from their grabby hands.
'Cause the wolf might've calmed the hell down, but there was no fucking way I was letting her leave my side.
Possessive much? Ummm…. No…. And yes. But mostly no.
Gaaaah. Whatever.
I had my reasons. It wasn't that I didn't trust them, it was just that I didn't trust them. That and Birdie tensing up when we stepped over the threshold, and I liked to have my hands all over her…. And rub their nose in it. Again, not literally.
Looking around I saw the Bitchy, Chew toy-y and Wifey sitting one the white couch.
The androgynous one - what? I read - stood by the wall of windows with its white curtains, Dr. Drac and Goliath stood by one of the white walls. I looked down on the white carpet. Everything was white. It was waaaay too clean, it made me wanna dirty it up. Paul style. "I see you got yourself a pet. I hope he's housebroken, these carpets must be hell to clean."
Heh.
...
Nothing.
I shrugged. "I thought it was funny." Birdie giggle.
Bad girl.
Peck sorta danced over to us in that jerky way, like one of those wind-up ballerinas thingys and handed me a bag.
"Umm?" Thanks?
"It's a pair of panties," she squealed. "I had a feeling you'd need them."
… It had to be the most uncomfortable situation I had ever been in. Probably.
Edgina's stink eye made it better. At least some of it. Still… "Ummmmmmm?" I didn't want my girl's pussy smelling like corpse. That shit was just nasty. Ughhhhh. I shuddered.
"Don't worry, I haven't touch them. Only the sales lady has, I made sure of it."
"Huh," well will you look at that. Disturbing, yet practical. I got down on one knee, grinning like a goof kinda and I helped her into the undies. It wasn't as fun as ripping them off her, but good enough. They were pink, frilly and slick. Very rippable looking.
Back on my feet I planted a small one on her nose.
She giggled.
I fucking love her.
Pansy did a Regan and pussyglared at me.
Oups. Sorry, not sorry.
His put his nose in the air and like it was all the way up God's ass crack. They should make it into a song. Up where he belongs, sung by Joe Cracker and Jenny from the Block.
"Grrrrrrrr."
Bawhahahaha.
That shit will never get old.
After I finished my repertoire of Yo Mama jokes and was halfway through singing Bolton's greatest hits I noticed the awkward tension in the room.
Everyone stared.
"Um, why do I get a feeling that I missed something?"
Birdie giggled. I got hard-er. Good times. I licked my lips and took in a whiff of our scents. Perfection. I sniffed her some more, and then again, and again. I would have done it a fourth time but Snowflake decided to add his stench. Gag.
The dude had B.O like nobody's business. Golgothan ring a bell? This was waaaaay worse. I mean waaaaay. You'd think someone with all the time in the world would remember to shower. I mean, woah.
"Ahem," Mama Deadite cleared her throat and gestured to the humongous table. "Why don't you take a seat," she suggested with a tightlipped smile, all choked and out of breath. Guess we didn't smell to great either.
Payback, bitch.
The pack eyed the flimsy looking chairs skeptically.
Sam answered for all of us. "We're okay to stand, thank you."
So of course Leah pulled out a chair and sat down at the head of the table.
I shook my head. Kids. Can't take them anywhere.
Lady and the Tramp did an about face and turned their sickly sweet smiles on Birdie. "Come sit with us, Bella." Their voices eerie, like those girls in The Shining.
And since when did one and another one turn into an us? Interesting. But not really.
"Um, how about no." I half carried-half dragged her over to one of the chairs and sat down with her on my lap.
I waited for the sound of wood snapping but it never came. Huh. Whaddaya know. These things were sturdier than they looked.
"Paul," she hissed all embarrassed and her face took on the same shade as a stop sign.
On her that usually meant go, but I had a feeling this was a wrong time/space kinda deal, unless… "You rather sit on my face?" I could get behind that, and under, on top… My eyes rolled back as I pictured it. There might have been drool.
Homina, homina, homina.
I was so fucking boooooored. And horny. And hungry. I just wanted to go home so I could fuck my girl while eating dinner, from her body… Gaaaaaaaah. "Can we get this over with?" Some of us has sexy as fuck girlfriends who are total freaks in the bedroom and out.
Orphan Eddie hissed.
I snickered. Don't be jealous. You wouldn't know what to do with her anyway.
He took a step closer, his pretty-boy face twisted in a sneer. "Did you think you would get away with it? I bet you didn't expect your Alpha to tell on you?"
"Pffffft. The only whistleblower here is this one," I pinched Birdie's thigh, making her yelp. She slapped my chest, I wiggled my brows.
O was met with a sea full of frowny faces, except for Big and Tall, he cackled like a derange chicken.
I grinned. "He gets it."
More empty stares.
I scowled. "Don't you watch Glee?"
They all looked like walking, talking…or rather sitting, gawking question marks. "You know," I whistled the intro, and sang, "Can you blow my whistle baby? Whistle baby? Let me know. Girl, I'm gonna show you how to do it, and we'll start real slow. You just put your lips together and you come real close. Can you blow my whistle baby? Whistle baby? Here we go."
…
Birdie moaned.
Speaking of music…
One of the hottest sound in the world. Second only to her giggles. Hooded eyes, dilated pupils, quick breathing, enhanced scent. You didn't have to be familiar with the signs to know what was up with her. My girl had it baaaaaad. "Not fair, baby," I half whispered, half groaned. I wanted to throw her down on the table and fuck her stupid. Afterwards I'd let the wolf rip the eyes outta anyone who had been watching.
I felt him, clawing to get out.
Mine.
Okay, so maybe I wasn't as calm as I thought. Gaaaaah. Whatever.
"Later." The word was as much a promise to her as it was a threat to the little Misses Priss and Piss. 'Touch her, or even think about touching her and I'm gonna beat you until you wish you never been born and then I'm gonna continue until you wish the same about every fucking twig on your family tree. Got that?'
With a scrunched expression that made him look constipated – not surprising since he hadn't taken a dump in almost hundred years - Edweird pinched his nose, before turning his beady eyes in my girl "I cannot deny my disappointment, but I understand it was something you needed to get out of your system before committing yourself to me." He sat down on the small couch - what were they called, loveseat? – next to Judas - hmmm, interesting - and adjusted his fancy-pants. "Fortunately you will go through the changed before any…diseases can take hold."
"Careful now," I snickered, "insults makes me horny."
Instead of answering he nodded to Benedict Arnold who for some reason felt the need to repeat what his Butt buddy has said. "I'm pissed, but I guess it could be worse. Just get yourself tested before coming to me we don't know where he's been." He snarled at me.
"Ooooh, I'm getting a chubby."
"Since we're on the topic of insults…" the blonde one snarked.
Birdie stiffened and I narrowed my eyes at the bitchpire.
"I don't understand what she sees in you."
I burst out laughing, 'cause seriously? "I could show you, but then I'd have to whip my cock out and I don't want to make your Double dude cry. His life is already FUBAR since he's stuck with you."
I thought I saw her crack a smile, but it was gone so fast I couldn't be sure. "You'll do."
Whatever.
"Thanks, but no one asked you."
Meeeow.
I grinned at the girl in my lap. Birds really did have claws.
I love you.
Big speeches and declarations wasn't my thing, I was a shifter, and we were more about the language of our bodies than what came out of our mouths. Besides I didn't need to say the words, there was no way she didn't know already. I pushed a loose curl behind her ear and kissed her forehead. "I love it when you defend me, baby."
Glares and grins, all around. But still…
"Boooooring."
I wanted to go home and go to town on my girl. All I needed was a hot shower, a hot meal and my hooooooooot woman. At the same time if I had anything to say about it.
Lacing our fingers together, the back of her hand to my palm, I let them roam up and down her waist, hips and thighs; pulling her skirt higher with every up, and lowering at every down, to keep her from doing a Marilyn where she was watched by others than me. Her panties covered the goods and kept them from getting a clear visual, but it rubbed me the wrong way. Do you have any idea how hard that was? It was bad enough that Stroppy could read minds. You didn't need to be a genius to know what he saw in mine. All porn, all day and night. And guess who would be the star?
Fuuuuck.
When we left here I would remain sheathed inside of her for a….
Oh my fucking...
I would impale her…Sink into her sweeeeeet pussy to the hilt…Where I would stay sheathed inside her…
Bawhahahaha. My cock was a sword. And not one of those puny, plastic shitty things you got with those fruity girl drinks at bars, but a huge, heavy broadsword. Yeah.
Heh. I liked that.
I nudged Birdie to get her attention. "Wanna go home and polish my broad sword?" wiggle, wiggle.
"Saaaam," Yuck whined. "Make him stooooop."
Slooooowly I turned to face our dareless leader. "I only listen to people telling me what to do when I'm tied up and naked," I winked and added another wiggle, wiggle.
Heh.
He glared. I laughed. Alllll good.
I didn't count on my girl's indignant gasp and it made the day a fucklot better. "That's private," she hissed.
"Um, babe?" I didn't lower my voice, 'cause what's the use, and I didn't want annnnnnybody to miss this. "I'm not the one who gave it away." She frowned, I nodded. "Think about it."
Her cheeks burned. I tried not to laugh, I really did, but…
Bawhahahahah.
I had a plan. It didn't work for shit when I tried it on Birdie a week ago - thank fuck - but I had a feeling I could get Courage the cowardly dog and Mama Muriel to snap without even trying. There might even be tears…
"Please let there be tears."
Silence. Stares and glares.
Huh?
Whatever.
Time for operation 'Get Kicked Out of the House So I Can Take My Girl Home and Fuck Her Brains Out', or GKOotHSICTMGHaFHBO for short.
"So Aslan," 'cause Jake was one giant pussy, "level with me buddy. Do you always bottom, or do you switch?"
Biggie guffawed and Sam sounded like he was choking. Ambiguous looked intrigued and eyed Gaston and Beast with a twink in his eye.
Ummm.
…Moving on.
"And youuuuu," I turned to the Weasley brother too ugly to make the books, "so I read a few of those vampire romance books, 'cause I like to educate myself. The bloodsuckers were all mysterious, beautiful and charismatic and thennnnn... there's you." I shook my head with pity. "How come you got the short end of the stick?"
I swear the dude pouted. That was all.
Disappointing.
"While this is all very entertaining why don't we listen to what Bella has to say," Vampire M.D said, throwing a pebble in the way of my awesome roll. Guess I was done.
And I hadn't even used my best ones.
It made me pout.
Meh, nothing Birdie couldn't kiss better. The sooner the better. Gaaaah. Much longer and I would die of blue balls. Which was soooo a possible way to die. Anybody claiming otherwise were either lying their balls off or didn't have any, because daaaaaaamn. I was in paaaaaaain.
Since I was hurting I tuned out most of the oh so interesting convos going on around me but when I felt her entering freak mode I swung riiiiiiiiight back. I placed my hands on her hips and pulled her closer until my shaft was pressed between her cheeks, I didn't move another muscle, not even to make a tiny upthrusts. That's how much I cared.
When I felt her relax I narrowed my eyes at the one responsible. I didn't need to be a mind reader, or even hear a word of what they had talked about, Birdie was upset and that was more than enough for the wolf to lift his head and roar.
As long as I was breathing I'd make sure no one messed with my girl. I was the only one allowed and oh-ho-booooy did she like that. I licked my lips. Mmmm hm. Me and my big, fat cock knew how to take goooooood care of my woman. My Birdie. My…
I pressed my nose behind her ear and inhaled. Fuuuuuuck she smelled amazing. I would never get enough of the way our scents mixed and mingled to come out as something entirely different and new. I could sniff out the scent that was pure us even surrounded by human sized stink bombs. That's how special it was.
The lounge lizard was trying to move in on my woman. Technically I did the moving in on first, but that was Madame Butt-erfly's fault. I couldn't have done any moving if the spot hadn't been vacated.
Gaaaaaaaah. I couldn't wait until I could throw her down and fuck her. I eyed the fluffy, white carpet beneath my bare feet…
Nah. I could probably, maybe wait a little longer…
Very little.
I put myself back in supportive boyfriend mood.
Boyfriend. How weird was that? I hadn't been called that since my balls dropped and here I was loving the fuck outta that title. I really was growing up.
"Who do you think would win in a fight; you or the Rock biter?" Okay, maybe not that much.
They ignored me for the sake of the ongoing argument. I let them.
"You were never going to change me despite your promise," Birdie's voice wasn't louder than a whisper, "how could we have been together?"
With a shake of my head, to clear it from whatever I started paying attention, for really real this time.
"But, Love," Poopy Small-Cock-ing sniveled. "I couldn't live with myself if I was the reason you lost your soul."
I waited for him to yell Syke and start braying like the donkey he was, and waited, and waited. Birdie stiffened in my arms.
Holy fuck, he's serious. Can you say pretentious?
"Question," I interrupted again, but not really 'cause no one was talking. "Are you soulless 'cause you're a vampire or because you're aginger?"
"Paul!" Sam barked.
"What? I'm curious." It was a valid question.
"Please." Birdie sounded tired. Sad.
I shifted her around on my lap until she straddled my waist. I brushed her hair away from her face and pressed a kiss her nose. "Okay."
"I just want this to be over so I can go home."
Home? Whose home? Mine? Hers? I felt nauseous. I couldn't lose her. It wasn't a fucking option. I gnashed my teeth.
She nuzzled my chest. I hoped that meant something.
I bucked my hips and squeezed her ass. I squeezed, she squirmed. She squirmed, I squeezed. Something.
My insecurities left a metallic taste on my tongue. Kinda like blood. I didn't like it. Pussy. Don't get me wrong, there was nah-haa-haaathing wrong with pussy. Unless you felt like one, 'cause that usually meant you were about to get fucked.
She returned to sitting back to chest and continued. "I love you, Edward…" Birdie spoke softly, but her words cut like a knife. I almost checked to see if the blood was pouring out of my chest. And by almost I meant I did and that it wasn't. Sure as fuck felt like it though. But no matter how much I didn't want to hear what she had to say I had to listen, 'cause that was what she needed from me. I splayed my fingers over her stomach and rubbed my thumbs just below her belly button. Her hand found mine and laced our fingers together and just like that I could breathe again.
Paleface puffed his chest and looked like the cat that ate the canary. If the cat was a pussy, and the canary was the wolf I'd bet my left nut I would smell on his breath if I got within sniffing distance of his mouth. I couldn't hold back the gag.
"I love you, too," his smile was smarmy and bird swallowing. My bird. I wanted to smash his ferrety face in.
The gag made a repeat performance.
Birdie ignored his suckupping and continued. "…But I'm not in love with you."
"I would never dream of asking for more than you are willing to offer, love," dick breath vowed. "Whatever you feel able to give me is more than enough."
Yawn. He should buy a clue and realize they were never, ever, ever getting back together. If only Birdie wasn't so against hurting their feelings. Had it been up to me I would've just say she was over them and under me, and that would've been that.
"How can you say that?" Her voice broke but I held off on throwing her over my shoulder caveman style and taking her back home. But fuck me if it wasn't the hardest thing I've ever done. "You don't deserve what I did. No one does. How can you say my love is enough when I let him," the corner of her lips twisted into a grimace as she pointed at Brown noser, "kiss me, and I kissed him back."
…Riiiiight. I had forgotten about the saliva swapping.
Forgotten, repressed, whatthefuckever.
There was a joke hidden in those words but I just…ughhhhh.
And theeeeeere goes the upchuck.
Everyone stared.
Cricket sounds.
"Don't mind me, I just threw up a little in my mouth."
Conan the Barbie had his own bird eating grin.
I hope you choke on it.
"Come on Bells, you know you liked it."
I swear the fucker had a death wish, and I was all too happy to help him with that.
"Baby," I murmured and curled my fingers into claws before moving my shaking hands from her belly to her hips, "do you mind sitting by yourself for a sec, I just gotta…"
Birdie's tiny hands cuffed my wrists. "No, don't," she pleaded.
"Are you protecting that fucker?" 'Cause that's how it sounded to me.
From the look of the grin Dead Man Walking was sporting he thought so, too.
But that shit didn't fly with Birdie, and her next word poked a hole in his perverted little fantasy. "I didn't want to kiss you, Jake. I never did." She placed her hand over my heart and raised her chin, silently asking for a kiss.
Who was I to deny her. I flicked her bottom lip with my tongue before sucking on it. Mmmmmmmm.
Through the corner of my eye I peeked Ariel and Flounder flapped their gums, looking like fish on land. I almost felt bad for them, but not.
My girl had a mean streak. Was it weird that it turned me on?
"Then why the fuck did you kiss me?" Chicken little barked.
"Hey!" I shouted, 'cause fuck that noise. "Watch your fucking mouth."
"I didn't want you to get yourself killed."
She was exhausted. I could fear it in the tension radiating from her body and hear it in the forced indifferent in her voice.
"Might as well have," the Lounge lizard groused.
That's it. "Just fucking stop, I'm so sick of you two acting like she owes you something when you're the one who's been tearing her to pieces." Birdie shivered and I wrapped my arms around her to share my heat. Iron closet opened his mouth, but I shut him up with snapping, "I'm not fucking finished!"
Birdies lips on my jaw soften my snarl into a smile and I dipped my head to meet her lips with mine. "Just say the word and we're outta here." Just try and stop us.
"Alice!" Ice Cube sounded as if his balls had been glued to the inside of his thighs and someone tried to cut the pubes to get them off…Or so I imagined. "How could you do this to me?"
Say what now?
"I saw this coming," Polly pocket chirped.
One cricket silence coming right up.
"Bawhahahaha," I howled with laughter. "Didn't see that coming, did you?"
Birdie giggled.
Scwiiiiiiiing.
"I love you."
…
…
…
Did anyone else hear that?
…
"Say that again, baby." I begged, 'cause I had to be sure.
All I saw was flushed skin and shining eyes. She had never looked more beautiful. Not even when I was buried inside of her. "I love you."
Fuuuuuuck. She proved me wrong, 'cause sometimes you needed the words. A lot. "Enough to put a ring on it?" My grin being all kinds of goofy and I couldn't care less.
She giggled. "Ye…"
There was no buh-byes or seeya laters. Ain't nobody got time for that. My woman said yes and we needed to celebrate.
The second we crossed the border she was naked and I pushed her up against the very same tree we humped on our way there.
With my fly down, my cock out, I sank into her sweeeeeeeeeeet pussy. I groaned. "Again."
"I love you."
My hips rocked and rolled, pounded into her hard, fast, 'cause I wouldn't last long. The words spilled from my lips as the telltale tingles started at the base of my spine. "I love you."
She screamed my name, her pussy tightened around my big, fat cock. I felt it, soooo close.
Don't bite, don't bite, don't bite. Aw, fuck it.
My teeth clamped down over her throbbing pulse.
I emptied inside of her, roaring, growling, with jerky thrusts as her muscles bit down on my big fat cock a second time. "I love you, Bella! I love you so much."
The End
Sorta
Something outtake-ish, epilogue-ish and future take-ish will follow…
Thank you for reading
Songs mentioned in this chapter
BAHA MEN - Who let the dogs out
Hot and Cold - Katy Perry (referenced to as "a Katy Perry song" )
Up where we belong – Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes
Whistle - Flo' Rida
Taylor Swift - We are never ever getting back together
Beyoncé - Single ladies
Explanations and origins. In no particular order.
Scwiiiiiiiiing! - Wayne's World
Jenny from the Block – Meaning Jennifer Lopez, when that song came out she was famous…sorta… for her ass.
Regan - from The Exorcist, played by Linda Blair.
Stool pigeon - According to thesaurus dotcom this is a synonym for traitor. Doubtful, but it cracked me up.
Golgothan – Shit demon. Seen in Dogma
Snowflake – a derogatory term for a white person.
Deadite - A human, animal, or object that has been possessed.
A sea full of frowny faces – This, or something like this is a quote from Greek.
The Warblers, led by Hunter Clarington (Nolan Gerard Funk) sang Whistle by Flo' Rida at Sectionals. S4E08. I wrote the lyrics by ear, so sorry for any mistakes
FUBAR – Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition/Repair
Don't tell me what to do unless you're naked – I can't remember exactly where I read it. A meme or writing prompt on Pinterest…I think.
Syke - Basically street slang for pretending, used in place of "playin" or "jokin".
Polly Pocket is a toy line of dolls and accessories. The name comes from the fact that many of the original Polly Pocket dolls came in pocket-size cases
Brown noser – Ass kisser. It fits
No disrespect for Mr. Cube, but when it comes to the Ices' I prefer Mr. T. Loooooove me some BodyCount
Homina - A word, normally repeated three times, to express shock, befuddlement, or general speechlessness. Often when looking at a particularly attractive member of the speaker's favored sex. It probably comes from Ralph Kramden on "The Honeymooners."
Chicken (n.) – a young homosexual male seeking older men; see also: Chicken hawk, referring to an older gay male looking for younger partners.
Iron closet (n.) – individual in deep denial about their own sexuality, one who might never come out.
Lounge lizard (n.) – someone who frequents bars, trying to pick up other people's' mates.
Rock Biter - from The Neverending Story. He lived on rocks and had a bicycle that looked rather like a steamroller with pedals until he became hungry and ate it.
Goliath - While he wasn't an actual giant, 6'9 is still big. Emmett is probably shorter than that though. Meh, doesn't matter.
Peck - A word used to insult Midgets and Dwarfs. From Willow.