AN: Yay, it's Friday! Hope the week treated everyone well! No hospital visits for me this time so I'd say I'm doing better than last week. :) Thank goodness!
On a different and more on point note… I have to say, I was a little surprised again last chapter, (you Brittana fans are constantly surprising me,) a lot of people jumped straight to negative town, I guess that is my fault somewhat, but where is the optimism people? :( We know Brittana are made for each other. I know, I know… I told you there are 3 ways this story could go, and yes some might not be completely what you want in an ending, but I will say with 100% conviction; I will never end a story badly. It might not always be completely what all readers want, but it won't be bad. Can you tell I'm struggling with how to word this without giving too much away? Cause I am! So please take me saying it won't end badly as some comfort. I hope that assuages some fears people have in this story. Stick with me, you won't regret it! And please know, I care for this couple too, and I would never hurt anyone's feelings unless it was completely unavoidable, (which unfortunately sometimes it is). Also, if something catastrophic were to happen like I said in chapter one, I will put up a warning. Please note there are no warnings for this story so don't jump of the cliff; it's not necessary. Thank you for all the feedback and support! It means a lot!
Okay, now that we are done with that… I hope you enjoy chapter 4! Thanks again to BrittanaFan25 for beta-ing this entire story! She read the reviews after last chapter and wanted to hug all you worriers. So here is her form of a hug. If you don't trust me, at least trust her cause she has read the entire story. In her words- "It's gonna be okay," just enjoy the journey.
Disclaimer: Heather Morris, Naya Rivera, and I suppose Ryan Murphy own rights to Glee and Brittany and Santana. I own… :s well, shit! I guess I own nothing. Damn, I usually can come up with something relevant or at least witty. Sorry, it's been a long week and I don't think my brain is functioning properly just yet.
Here we go…
Chapter 4…Cold Bite of Fear
Brittany and Santana separately moved around the cold, musty cabin and attempted to find everything that they could possibly need to make it through the rest of the night. Brittany got the fire started rather quickly after finding some leaves to use as a starter and eventually, after the fire really got going, she began to melt some snow to use as drinking water. Unfortunately for the both of them, soon after finding some blankets and candles for additional warmth and lighting, Santana also discovered that both the water and electricity had been turned off. It made using the bathroom, shall we say, difficult. Frost bite on your lady parts was not a good feeling.
Time, Brittany realized in those ninety plus minutes of busy work, was a funny thing. When she was dancing, eating melted cheese, hanging out with friends, or making out with someone she really cared about, ie. Santana, or, she thought adding an amendment to the last part, a person who just happened to be really, really hot, ie. Sam. Although, deep down she knew he wasn't just really hot, he was a little more than that, an hour could feel like a minute. But, if she was exercising with Lord Tubbington, doing homework, or in this weird state of uncomfortable, cold silence with her best friend, a person who talking to used to be second nature, it felt like forever. Brittany now understood the theory of relativity. It's all relative.
During the time since Santana had declared they'd talk, no talking had actually taken place. But one thing they had an abundance of was awkward glances and awkwardness in general. Brittany could feel the tension between them in every muscle of her body. It was so awkward that while in the kitchen looking for a pot to melt some snow, they practically took a page out of "Square Dancing For Dummies". They box stepped around each other like two nervous middle schoolers, thinking that any contact from the other person would set their skin on fire. The awkwardness and the anticipation of finally talking about their relationship made it really easy to get psyched out or second guess things they thought they wanted to know or say. But finally, after there was nothing else to ready to help them get through the night, they both sat down on the floor in front of the fire.
The fire was slowly starting to warm the room, but you had to be right in front of it to feel the effects so Brittany got up shortly after sitting down and moved the couch closer so they had something to lean against in front of the fire. She grabbed the four blankets Santana had found and handed the two heavier blankets to Santana. Santana wrapped one around her shoulders and laid the other across her legs.
"Better?" Brittany asked, getting her own blankets situated, mirroring Santana.
"Yeah," Santana gratefully responded, gingerly adjusting her position against the couch. Her ribs were actually starting to hurt more and more since getting out of the cold, but Brittany didn't need to know that. 'Yeah,' was the standard answer that everyone wanted when asking questions like that. Santana just decided to keep the rest to herself. She just kept repeating, the cold numbness is just gone, that's all- you're fine. It was a feeble attempt to convince herself that it was true, and Santana knew it, but who knows, maybe she would eventually start to believe it. She wanted to forget about the pain, but it was nearly impossible with the nagging ache and occasional sharp stab to her gut. But she was determined. Thinking about it made her nervous and she had plenty of other reasons to be nervous so she pushed aside thoughts of her ribs and stared mindfully into the fire. She couldn't do anything about her injuries right now, but maybe things could be fixed between her and Brittany. At least she hoped they could. They'd been through too much together to throw away years of friendship and love over someone as stupid as fish face.
Brittany was now sitting next to Santana with a respectable distance separating them and silence again befell upon the room. Great… Brittany thought sarcastically, glancing between the randomly popping fire and Santana, silence… something new and different.
Brittany wasn't a jerk. She really had no problem being patient with Santana if Santana wasn't ready to talk, but this distance between them was killing her. Feeling disconnected from the one person who always felt like home hurt really bad. It didn't feel natural to not be able to talk freely with Santana or hug her whenever she wanted. Brittany just wanted to get past this and work things out so they could just go back to being normal together. She missed the way things used to be. She missed Santana. So in an effort to speed things up, she kept sending Santana questioning are you ready yet, glances in the hopes that it might move things along.
Tension built again the longer the quiet hung over them. They no longer had things to distract themselves and they both were fearful of the coming conversation and the feelings that would be exposed.
"Since it's warmer in here now, maybe we should grab the mattress off the bed so we can sleep in here by the fire," Santana suggested, not quite ready to ask the things she both wanted to find out and at the same time was afraid to find out.
"Oh," Brittany said in surprise. She hadn't really expected Santana's first non-prompted, non-fragmented sentence to be about a mattress, but… "good idea, I'll go get it," she said, getting up after a second to shake off the unexpectedness of Santana comment. Brittany had to admit, it was a good idea and if it meant that tonight she'd get to sleep next to Santana then that was just an added bonus.
"I'll help you," Santana said, holding her left side to brace her movement as she tried to get up to follow.
"No, it's fine," Brittany said, seeing Santana grimace and waving for her to relax. "I got it. You just try to get warm."
Santana smiled and settled back against the couch silently thanking Brittany for her quiet consideration. She didn't question Brittany because she knew dragging a heavy mattress would probably hurt her ribs even more. Brittany, Santana realized, was being thoughtful again and she was doing it without calling her out for the amount of pain she was in or her stalling. Santana was grateful. Brittany knew her well- too well for her liking sometimes. She knew Santana didn't deal well with fear and Santana could at least admit to herself that she was scared, even if she couldn't admit it to Brittany. She knew something wasn't right inside her, she could feel it and couple that with being stuck in a cabin with no food and snow piling up outside and you had plenty of reasons to be scared. And then there's Brittany... Santana thought trailing off, refusing to finish that thought. She knew that being stuck in this cabin with Brittany was only magnifying certain fears.
The fire Brittany built was finally starting to put off some serious heat, warming her body, and Santana could hear Brittany banging around in the other room struggling with the mattress. It wasn't difficult as long as she didn't allow her anger to blind her to see that Brittany still cared. Santana was surrounded with reminders of Brittany's love even now. She does care… Santana reassured, remembering what it felt like to be loved by Brittany. Being loved by Brittany was the most amazing feeling in the world. Santana had never felt anything close and she was now kinda pissed that she'd convinced herself over the last couple months that Brittany didn't love her even if that love wasn't the same anymore.
Not long after Santana's revelation the banging in the other room stopped and she watched on adoringly as Brittany pulled the mattress into the room and dropped it on the floor with a heavy sigh.
"Thanks," Santana acknowledged with a small smile.
"Hakuna matata." Brittany smiled back sweetly, locking their eyes together.
Santana chuckled at Brittany's cute way of accepting her gratitude. Hakuna matata, she thought to herself, half heartedly rolling her eyes at her own inner dialog. Brittany had rubbed off on her in so many ways over the last few years and apparently one of those ways was her knowledge of Disney movies. Gah, Santana grumbled, wishing that had been one of the few ways Brittany hadn't changed her. For Brittany it was cute to like those cheesy movies, but for Santana to admit that a Disney movie didn't entirely suck made her feel like a pussy. Whatever, she thought shaking off the pinched chuckle and choosing not to let her mind wander to far.
They both were now looking back to the fire after their smiles and laughter faded, steadying themselves for the seriousness of what was coming. It was time. In fact it was long past time. There was no use putting off this conversation any longer. But who was going to take the first step? They both knew that was the hardest part. There was some peace of mind in not knowing the answers to questions you were afraid to ask, but Brittany didn't want to wait any longer to fix things. So like always, she took the first step.
"You know, I meant what I said." She paused, looking to make sure Santana knew what she was referring to. She was sure Santana did judging from her expression, but she still repeated it anyway, probably more for herself than for Santana. "I do still love you. I don't think I could ever figure out how to stop even if I wanted to."
Santana sighed, hearing the truth behind Brittany's words. It both helped and hurt to hear Brittany's sincerity. Great… now you're gonna cry, she thought feeling her eyes start to water.
"I know," Santana began, still trying to figure out where she wanted to start and how much of her feelings she was willing to reveal. "I think I forgot that over the last month." She chose not to add the part about it being too painful to remember, "but I know you still care even if things aren't the same anymore."
"What do you mean?" Brittany asked, frowning. Okay, Brittany knew things were a little different now, she wasn't stupid, but that didn't mean the way she felt about Santana had changed and she hoped that Santana still felt the same way about her. She would always love Santana and maybe, she wasn't quite sure, but maybe she would always be in love with Santana. Part of her hoped that was true and the scared, unsure part of her begged that is wasn't.
"Sam…" Santana said, bringing Brittany out of her thoughts with the reminder that there was someone else who was now also involved in their little love story. The way she said 'Sam' with a raise of her eyebrow as if to say it should go without saying made her cringe and noticeable swallow down the negative way his name tasted in her mouth. It was like he was the physical embodiment of the devil to Santana, and a part of her really felt like he was, even though the realistic part of her knew it wasn't a fair comparison. This wasn't his fault. She of all people knew how easy it was to fall for Brittany; she couldn't blame him even if she really wanted to, and believe me she really wanted to. "You know… I've known about Sam for awhile. Puck was kind enough to call me on Christmas to tell me he saw you two at Breadstixs acting all lovey-dovey." Santana cringed, picturing the scene Puck described. It made her want to vomit thinking about Brittany acting that way with anyone, particularly Sam.
"Puck told you?" Brittany winced, not realizing that's how she found out. Santana sadly nodded her confirmation and Brittany felt like she had the wind knocked out of her. Of all people, Puck, Brittany thought, loathing him. Unfortunately, she was still holding onto a lot of resentment towards Puck because he was the one who got to be with Santana in the ways Brittany had wanted back in the day and this was just another strike against him. She shook her head, wishing she could kick him in the nuts right now. "I'm sorry you had to find out that way. I really wanted to be the one to tell you."
"Don't lie to me, Brittany" Santana almost yelled, quickly shifting from hurt to angry.
The way Santana said her name made it sound more like a curse and Brittany was immediately taken aback and frozen.
"You've had months to tell me and yet here we are," Santana said, the anger she felt over the last month clearly not able to be contained any longer.
"I know," Brittany said looking to her lap in shame. "All I can do now is apologize," she said, feeling the unshed tears she wanted to suppress building. She rubbed her cold hands over face, pushing the tears back down and taking a deep breath to continue. "Please believe me… I'm more sorry than you can understand. I wanted to tell you. I tried to call," she practically whimpered, "but each time I picked up the phone I couldn't go through with it."
"Why?" Santana questioned flatly, waiting impatiently for Brittany to respond.
When that didn't happen within a reasonable amount of time, Santana continued feeling her emotions spilling over the dam. "Do you know how that looked to me? It seemed like you didn't care, that you were just moving on without giving me a second thought. It fucking hurt, Brittany. I thought I meant more to you than that."
"You do! You mean so much to me. I'm so sorry," Brittany said, finally losing the battle with her tears. Hearing the anger and sadness she'd caused Santana was just too much to take. Hurting Santana was the last thing she ever wanted to do. Her chest was now painfully tight and heaving as she tried to find the words to make Santana understand.
"So why?" Santana asked barely above a whisper, feeling the lump in her throat threatening to suffocate her. This had been the question she'd been most afraid of; Brittany could very easily break her heart even more than it already was with just a few simple words.
"Because I just couldn't," Brittany said pathetically, still trying to get herself under control.
"Thanks Britt, you really cleared things up for me," Santana half laughed/ half sobbed at Brittany's non-answer. She turned away to look sadly out the window at the still heavily falling snow. She couldn't look at Brittany's broken body language right now because she was feeling just as broken if not even more so. The tears she felt building were now glassing over her eyes and she willed them not to fall. She didn't feel like Brittany had the right to see her cry anymore. It felt too personal.
"No San, you don't get it," Brittany voiced, reacting instantly to Santana turning away and wiping nervously at a tear that was sliding down her cheek. Santana still hadn't looked at her so she reached out to pull Santana's gaze back to her with a firm but tentative hand alongside Santana's shockingly cold cheek. She quickly noticed Santana's watery eyes and that sight practically caused her chest to break wide open. She had to make Santana understand. Taking a breath and trailing her thumb across Santana's cheek bone to catch a wayward tear that had fallen, Brittany tried to ground herself against Santana so she could continue. "You don't understand San, I physically couldn't tell you," Brittany said, locking her still watery blue eyes with Santana's pained brown ones. Brittany dropped her hand when she realized Santana wasn't about to turn away again, but it also felt too nerve-wracking to touch Santana right now, which if she was being honest with herself, was more the reason for her withdrawal. Touching Santana always made it hard for Brittany to concentrate and she needed to think clearly right now. She needed to find the right words to make Santana understand.
Taking a deep breath and holding her own shaking hands in her lap, Brittany continued. "I picked up the phone dozens of times and when I was about to hit send I would get this sick feeling in my stomach and I couldn't go through with it. It was like," Brittany paused, trying for once to choose the right words. "It was like if I didn't tell you I was starting to move on then it wouldn't be true. The Sam part just happened. I was sad and lonely and heart broken and he was the only one who helped me feel even remotely normal. I couldn't breathe without you. I felt like I was dying and he helped me."
Brittany took a breath, trying to gage Santana's reaction, but she couldn't tell what Santana was thinking. She had this non-discernable expression on her face that Brittany didn't recognize so she continued, thinking Santana still didn't understand. "The main reason I didn't tell you was I just couldn't admit to myself that I was moving on because I really didn't feel like I actually was moving on. I didn't want to be moving in any direction that was away from you. I just couldn't admit to myself that being with Sam was me moving on because that would mean that we were really over. I wasn't ready and I didn't want it to be true. I always thought that deep down you and I would end up together and for the first time in my life I was starting to doubt that. I didn't want to tell you any of that. I couldn't even admit that to myself. I didn't want us to not have another chance."
Santana's whole body physically lurched and she felt sick. The emotional pain she'd been feeling without Brittany for the last few months Brittany had been feeling too. Brittany didn't want to be apart any more than she did. Could this have been avoided? If we talked about this sooner, could we have saved ourselves all this misery? She was such a dumbass! Back in the choir room she'd been a fool. She should have fought for her relationship with Brittany when she had the chance. Fuck! Santana thought, allowing her head to fall limp in her hands, realizing the mistakes she'd made, mistakes they'd both made. Her only hope was that it wasn't too late.
"I'm sorry," Brittany blubbered, misinterpreting Santana's negative reaction. "I should have told you sooner. I-I-"
"Yeah," Santana interrupted softly, just above a whisper. Brittany barely heard her, but when she did she stopped instantly to listen intently. "You should have, but I know why you didn't. It was the same reason I didn't say anything."
"Huh?" Brittany questioned between soft sniffles and whimpers. What? Was Santana holding back too? Almost instantly, as soon as the thought surfaced regret took over her body and she felt like an idiot. Of course Santana was holding back. It's what Santana did. Why hadn't she realized this sooner?
"Britt," Santana said softly, turning to face her.
Jesus! Santana cringed and grabbed her side when a sharp pain shot through her gut when she rotated too quickly. Santana's eyes were watering now for reasons that were totally unrelated to Brittany. She was trying to take in deep breathes to compose herself, but the deep breathes she took in hurt like Hell. She couldn't breath. She couldn't talk. It felt like a fucking rhino was sitting on her chest. It was crushing her and the needling pressure in her side felt like someone was stabbing her repeatedly. She might throw up, she thought, swallowing thickly, but she couldn't let that happen. Puking in front of Brittany right now would be embarrassing and it would probably also hurt like Hell. So again, she tried to will her body to relax. She needed to make Brittany see what their fearful actions had done so they could fix them.
Okay, Santana thought and audibly sighed after a moment when she felt more in control. Despite her best intentions to hide the pain she was in, the sound that came out didn't sound in control or free from pain at all. In fact, it sounded more like the wheeze of a ninety year old smoker with emphysema.
"Bri-itt," Santana tried to start again, pausing to take in another labored deep breath. With each breath she took in it was tougher, but she tried to keep going, attempting to steady her pulse rate like that would help with her breathing. "I had no… no idea you felt that way." Wheeze and pause. "When I broke up with you I thought… I thought I was doing what you wanted." Another asthmatic sounding heave and a wheeze. "You seemed so sad… with the long distance…" Cough and a wheeze. "I just wanted… I wanted you to be happy. I didn't want to keep hurting you."
"But San," Brittany said, feeling a nervousness building in her chest. Santana's breathing sounded terrible so muscle memory kicked in and Brittany reached out to place a steadying hand on Santana's shoulder. They were finally getting some where and Brittany needed to keep going so she didn't pause for long. She just kept massaging Santana's shoulder and said, "it ended up hurting me more."
Now I really can't breathe. Santana gasped, feeling the pain of those words on practically every level.
"It's not what I intended," Santana bemoaned, reaching first to put some much needed pressure on her panting chest. The tightness felt unbearable and unfortunately the compression against her chest didn't help so Santana reached for Brittany's other hand to anchor herself. By some miracle the feel of Brittany's warm, soft hand did help. Brittany's touch always helped no matter what the circumstances and probably always would. It was a blessing most of the time and a curse at others.
At Santana's contact, their sad eyes met. Just that brief eye contact and simple touch spoke volumes and expressed way more than any words they could possibly hope to find ever could. They both understood why the other did what they did, they were scared. Things were changing and they didn't know how to deal with that change, but that knowledge didn't help with the pain and heartache that their scared actions and decisions had caused.
"Whadda we do now?" Brittany asked hesitantly, looking up from underneath her wet lashes.
"I don't know," Santana said sadly, shrugging her weary, heavy shoulder like she was carrying the weight of the world. And literally she felt like she was. She felt like the world was sitting on her chest threatening to crush her. "I guess that kinda depends on you," she said, her voice shaking and hinting that a lot of what would happen depended on what Brittany chose to do with Sam. That thought didn't really sit well with her. She hated feeling out of control and right now that was exactly how she felt. She had no control over the damn weather. She couldn't control her fucking pain. And she had no say in what Brittany would choose to do about Sam. It fucking sucked!
"I don't wanna hurt him."
And there it was… Santana's head instantly fell and she shook her head in frustration and despair. How the Hell did we end up back here? She thought, feeling exactly like she did back in that hallway two years ago. Actually, she felt worse considering how much her feelings for Brittany had grown.
"San," Brittany said, leaning forward so she could be at the same eye level as Santana and explain. "He's been my lifeline while you were-"
"I don't care!" Santana snapped, interrupting Brittany causing her to flinch away. "I don't want to hear about how great Sam is if it means you're going to stay with him. That's what you're going to do, right? You're going to tell me that he hasn't done anything wrong and that you can't hurt him."
All this talk of Sam brought Santana right back to how she felt standing at Brittany's locker. "Just like before…" she said passive aggressively under her breath. "It's always gonna be about some stupid boy," she mumbled.
"I wasn't going to say that," Brittany snapped, getting a little defensive.
"Then what?" Santana fired back, "because whatever you say, if it ends with you saying that you want to stay with him, then I don't want to hear it. Been there, done that, and I don't care to go back."
"For God's sake Santana would you let me talk," Brittany said, having heard enough of Santana's pessimistic assumptions. "Were not standing at my locker and were not sixteen years old anymore. A lot's changed."
"Sure doesn't feel like it," Santana said, stubbornly.
"Well it has," Brittany said taking a breath and trying to soften her tone. "Back then I was scared to open myself up to you. I know you told me that you loved me, but you also spent the previous two years telling me that what we were doing meant nothing. I didn't know what was true. I was scared that if I left Artie that you would get scared again and pull back and then I would be left with nothing. But you're not that scared girl anymore and I know how great we can be together. You and I aren't the same gamble we were back then. I trust you now."
"But…" Santana said apprehensively, sensing there was more.
"But," Brittany said solemnly, knowing this next part was going to hurt. "I care about Sam too."
Santana's chest tightened further. She didn't think it was possible for her chest to squeeze tighter than it already was but somehow Brittany's words had managed. Even if Brittany said things were different now, it still felt a lot like two years ago and it sucked. Literally, that was the most painful moment of her life and that was saying a lot because being outed by Finn was pretty excruciating.
"Are you in love with him?" Santana asked before she could tell herself not to as uncertain tears welled up in her eyes.
"I don't know," Brittany said sadly, looking nervously at her hands so she wouldn't see Santana's reaction. It wasn't a cop out. She really was unsure about her feelings for Sam. She liked him, she knew that, but she didn't think she was in love with him, at least not yet. She felt like she could fall in love with Sam, under the right circumstances, but she knew with her unresolved feelings for Santana and the fact that she and Sam were both graduating and off in different directions next year, these weren't the right circumstances for love to develop. But, there was something about Sam that just felt easy and light. With him it was fun and carefree and that was something she felt like she could use right now.
Santana was confused. And hurt. And angry about Brittany's avoidance. Brittany knew what it was like to love someone. She loved her. Why wasn't she just saying how she felt? Unless the answer was… Oh God… What if the answer's yes? What if she's in love with Sam and just doesn't want to tell me? Santana didn't even want to think about that possibility. It was too much; the thought of Brittany loving Sam nearly broke her. It was bad enough that she was dating him and kissing him and oh God, probably fucking him, but to possibly love him? That was just too much to imagine.
She was shaking and her voice quivered with emotion when she repeated, "You don't know," she said, like hearing it a second time might help her process. "What does that even mean? You either love him or you don't. Just tell me, please. Are you in love with him?"
Wishing she didn't have to come up with a black and white answer because love wasn't black and white, she shook her head and audibly gulped. "No," Brittany said shyly, looking back into Santana eyes. "It's never been like that. It's never been like it was with you." It wasn't a lie, but it was only half the truth. Maybe in this case half is enough, she thought.
Oh, thank God! Santana sighed, clutching her chest this time in relief. She felt her chest loosen just a fraction and she was thankful. Hearing those words felt like maybe she wouldn't have to be alone. It felt like someone was there for her. It felt like Brittany was there for her wrapping her up in a reassuring hug. But that wasn't all. Santana knew there was more and that she wasn't completely in the clear just yet.
"You love me, I know that. I love you too by the way," she said needing to slip that in and hoping it would slide by without further comment. "You already told me that, but the bigger question is… are you still IN love with me?"
Brittany hesitated and her heart rate accelerated. "I'm not sure…" she said honestly, feeling her stomach drop with Santana's expression. "I mean…" Brittany said, trying to explain.
"Don't," Santana motioned, stopping her and shaking her head to turn away.
"San, I'm sorry," Brittany said, knowing that Santana deserved better. "I know I still love you, and a lot hasn't changed about my feelings, but circumstances have changed, as you know, and it's hard to tell the difference between loving you and being in love with you."
"Well, that hasn't changed for me," Santana said, grimacing and standing up. She walked away slowly to look pensively out the front window. She needed some space between her and Brittany right now. She couldn't believe that Brittany was unsure about her feelings. It hurt. It hurt bad that after all this time their love was now a question mark and it felt like it was all her fault. Sometimes she really hated herself and the stupid impulsive decisions she made. They never turned out the way she wanted. She needed to learn to keep some things in check.
Brittany watched Santana walk away somberly. She knew Santana saying that things hadn't changed for her was about as big a verbal leap as she could possibly make right now. She was grateful and pretty darn proud of Santana. Santana was feeling vulnerable and actually saying that she was still in love with her was a lot. Brittany didn't need Santana to actually say the words. She made it pretty clear. Brittany knew Santana was still in love with her, she could hear it in everything Santana wasn't saying and she could see it in her eyes. Brittany wondered as an idea began to form. Could Santana also tell how she felt by just looking at her? She used to….
Brittany stood and walked up behind Santana. She didn't touch her even though she really wanted to. She wanted to wrap her arms around Santana's waist and bury her face into the sweet smell and softness of her neck. Nuzzling Santana's neck had always been one of her favorite things to do, but instead she just gripped her hands together to make sure she kept them to herself and took a couple deep breathes to steel her resolve. She hoped this worked. It could backfire and she knew it. But she had to risk it.
"San, will you please look at me," Brittany asked softly.
"I can't," Santana replied, hugging her arms across her chest and using the off putting body language like a shield.
"Please," Brittany begged, touching Santana's hip in an effort to try and coax her to turn around.
Santana did, albeit reluctantly.
Brittany looked at Santana and her heart broke. Santana wasn't looking at her; she was looking at her feet which suddenly became her safe haven. Brittany noticed she appeared to be shaking. Brittany wondered if that was from the cold or a result of her emotions getting the better of her. Was what she was about to ask too much for Santana's already weakened state? Could Santana take it? Brittany thought she could. Santana was always stronger than she knew. She could do this.
"San please," Brittany begged softly, tilting her head up with a light touch under her chin.
Santana didn't fight it. In fact their sad eyes met. "Look at me and tell me what you see."
This time Santana did fight it because she wasn't able to hold Brittany's heartfelt stare for long. "What are you talking about?"
"You know me, San. Better than anyone. Maybe better than I know myself sometimes. I know you can tell how I feel."
Recognition dawned on Santana and it pierced through her heart. No! She thought, feeling the dread sinking in. "Please, don't make me do that," Santana replied, her voice shaking.
"San, you know me. I know you can tell," Brittany said, knowing Santana's desire to find out would eventually win out. "Tell me what you see."
"No," Santana said with conviction, looking her in the eyes. "That's something you have to figure out for yourself. I'm not gonna figure it out for you."
"B- but…" Brittany stuttered.
"I can't, Brittany. I won't!"
Santana was ticked off. It wasn't fair for Brittany to ask that, but she did need Brittany to figure it out. Brittany was right, she could tell, and that knowledge overpowered everything and she couldn't be as pissed at Brittany as she probably should have. She was just too relieved and too comforted to see the love she thought she'd lost in Brittany's eyes.
"Kiss me," Santana announced, feeling bold.
Brittany stood there, wide eyed and in shock. "What?"
"Kiss me, Brittany. You wanna know how you feel… then kiss me," Santana challenged.
"I-I can't," Brittany said half-heartedly, stepping back, and rapidly shaking her head back and forth. It was probably more of a show to convince herself than Santana because Santana didn't look deterred at all.
"Why?" Santana persisted, stepping closer. "Because of Sam?"
"Yes," Brittany stated flatly, trying to stand her ground and looking Santana in the eyes. "I'm with him now."
"Bull shit!" Santana called out. "You're just treading water with him and you know it. If you want to find out if you're still in love with me, it's easy. Kiss me."
Santana stepped forward again and completely moved into Brittany's personal space. She could feel it in every bone of her body how much Brittany wanted to kiss her. This was going to work. It had to.
They were now inches apart, locked and staring into each others eyes. All Brittany had to do was tilt her head down and to the right and they would be kissing. It would be that simple and Brittany was sure that it would feel amazing, that she didn't doubt. Santana had the softest lips and Brittany wanted to taste them again, more than anything, but she was hesitant. Brittany had always known that regardless of what she convinced herself- that the difference in plumbing didn't matter- cheating was cheating and it wasn't right. Sam deserved better. But Santana… Brittany re-thought, wavering and trying to justify. She knew Santana deserved better too. God, this was hard.
"I can't," Brittany said, taking the high road and turning away. She knew if she continued to look at Santana she would break. She just knew it, so she looked back to the fire feeling beaten down.
"If you won't do it then I will," Santana said, taking a couple quick, definitive steps towards Brittany, grabbing her by the arm, spinning her around and kissing her passionately.
Brittany was instantly shocked and frozen. Santana was kissing her. Oh my God, Santana was kissing her! she thought again, feeling paralyzed.She couldn't kiss back. Not because she didn't want to return Santana's kiss, but because she was too stunned to move. Santana had taken the first step. A part of Brittany was really proud. Santana was growing up. She was now attacking her lips, pleading with Brittany to reciprocate. Brittany actually felt stoned and completely gobsmacked. Where had this courage come from? Every smacking kiss was strong and sure. Santana was daring her and God, she wanted to kiss Santana back.
"Kiss me Brittany. I know you want to. I can feel it," Santana taunted, sucking Brittany's thinner bottom lip into her mouth, hard. The suction Santana was applying elicited a strangled whimper from Brittany that proved to Santana just how much she wanted to reciprocate. This only made Santana double her efforts, gripping the back of her neck and holding her close.
Brittany couldn't take Santana kissing her any longer. Santana was driving her crazy with want. She could feel her resolve crumbling with each swipe of Santana's warm, wet tongue. She was going to buckle. She had to have Santana, now, but she couldn't cheat, she wouldn't do that again, so she physically pushed her away.
Santana immediately stumbled back a couple steps and grabbed her ribs, clutching her stomach.
The next couple seconds were possibly the longest and most vividly haunting couple of seconds in Brittany's life. All she could do was watch on in horror as Santana's face contorted from a look of determination to shock and finally to a look of sheer agony all within a second. The screams that followed as Santana collapsed to the floor will haunt Brittany's dreams forever. It was a scream of unbearable pain and all Brittany could do was watch on wide eyed and breathless as Santana thrashed around the floor in unspeakable pain. What had she done?
TBC
AN: Well, chapter 4's in the can. Only 2 more to go. It's getting down to it… :) Please don't hate Brittany! She hasn't done anything wrong. She's only trying to do the right thing, give her time. She's one of the good ones, trust me! :)
What'd you think? I know I left you standing on the edge of a pretty big cliff… but if you leave me a signed in review I will get back to you and hopefully talk you down.
Have a good week people! See you next Friday.
Drew