Free from my bonds, I sat up and hugged a pillow to my chest to cover my scars. The room fell silent. Every time I glanced at Ruki, he wasn't paying attention to me. Taking a shaky breath, I said, "I don't deserve anything after what I did." The need to explain myself bubbled up. I just need him to understand why I'm worthless.
Ruki sat on the edge of the bed, head tilted back to stare at the ceiling. "We've killed plenty of humans."
"That's different," I replied, squeezing the pillow tighter.
"How?" Ruki's gaze fell on me. He didn't seem angry with me. More like, he wanted to understand me. It had been this way for a while. Only one month had passed when he started treating me like a pet instead of just a source of food. That first month, though, he'd barely spoken to me and only did so when I'd done something wrong. Things had changed since then.
I fiddled with the tag on the bottom of the pillow, shrugging my shoulders. It was hard to explain why I felt that way. "You're a vampire, better than humans. Our laws don't apply." I paused, thinking about how to continue. "But me… but I don't deserve to live after what I did. But I've always been too much of a coward to kill myself."
Hot tears filled my eyes, sliding down my cheeks and making water spots on the bedsheet. There had been so many days that I'd spent hours planning on a suicide attempt. Overdose. Slitting my wrists. Stepping in front of a train. But every time I tried, I couldn't. So, I made the cuts on my skin to remind myself of how weak and worthless I was.
"That's when you decided to approach Kou," He said.
Nodding my head, I held back the overwhelming feelings of sorrow for the loss of my friend. Guilt. I feel guilt. "After so many failed attempts, I found a website that talked about him. My research turned up some weird information, and I decided to test it out for myself. And here we are," I said, keeping my teary eyes on the bed.
Ruki sighed, getting annoyed by this conversation. "What do you want from us?"
I bit my lip to keep the sob in. Isn't it already clear what my goal has been all along? Though part of me had enjoyed my time with the Mukami's, all I wanted was one thing. "I want you to kill me, Ruki. That's what I've always wanted."
His hand gripped my arm tight and jerked me forward, up onto my knees. Grabbing my chin roughly with his free hand, his blue-gray eyes held anger in them. "Stop lying to me, Saki. You're too afraid to say it, afraid that it would mean you've found a reason to live even when you don't wish to after you killed your only friend."
Trying to shake my head in denial, I couldn't figure out what he meant. That's not true. "I have no reason to live," my voice came out a whisper, desperate. He doesn't understand. How could a vampire know the feelings of a worthless human? He's a perfect creature.
Ruki squeezed my face tighter, the jaw bone creaking under his strength, threatening to crack. I'd been on the receiving end of his taunts and punishments plenty of times, but this… "Who do you serve?"
"What?" His question surprised me.
"Answer me. Who do you belong to?"
It confused me. Kou had been the first to drink my blood, and though Ruki was the leader of the group, the four Mukami's shared me. Each would take turns drinking my blood and playing. My purple eyes searched his blue ones for his meaning. He's angry, truly angry. The answer I knew he wanted slipped out. "Y-you."
Ruki pulled me closer, our noses almost touching. "That's right. The moment you gave yourself to me, you gave up any choice in what happens to your life. It's mine to do with as I please. You belong to me for the remainder of your fragile human life." He tossed me back against the bed and stood. "Get dressed. I will walk you home."
I sat shocked. Ruki has never really cared for me. More like, I'm convenient to have around for access to blood and for entertainment. For a moment, it felt as though he wanted me, truly wanted me. Whatever the reasons, for blood or pleasure to cure this boredom, it made my heart pound in my chest. He's right. I do have a reason to live, even if I don't want to.
If even for only a day more, I want to be his.
The rest of my life could be spent being bitten and toyed with, punished and tortured, and… I want that. This is still to atone for what I've done, as I don't deserve anything more. They'll grow bored of me. It could be at the end of the week. It could be years from now. Either way, this is where I belonged, and where I needed to be.
"Saki, if you don't hurry, I'll change my mind."
His words sent a wave of emotion through me. He'd meant it as though he'd leave me to walk home alone, but the part of me that still held onto his promise from earlier had me blushing. I bit my lip and squeezed my legs together. "Ruki, wait." I reached out and grabbed his hand, my cheeks burning. It's his fault for making me feel this way. "You promised." That's so lame. I sound like a child asking for a reward.
"Needy, aren't we?" He teased with a sly smirk. "and if I say no?" My eyes went wide with fear of his words coming true, causing him to laugh. "Have I deprived you so much that you have to give me that expression?"
He still hasn't said yes. The taunt in his eyes only fueled my need for him more. "Ruki…" I whined. "It's been so long. Please bite me. I want to feel your fangs."
Ruki let out a low growl. This has been the longest he's gone without biting me, and it must be taking a lot of self-control. He teleported on top of me, pressing me down into the mattress. Giving me a slow kiss, Ruki's hands roamed my body.
I couldn't help but smile at the attention, already a mess. Everything felt different when it was Ruki. I craved his touch and fangs more than the others. Maybe Kou was right, and I do have rising feelings for this strict and stoic vampire. It only took minutes for me to be moaning his name.
The longer he took waiting to bite me and dragging out sex, the more amused Ruki looked. Most days he seemed quiet and uninterested. Today, he gave more attention to me than ever before. "Relax, Saki. When I'm satisfied with your state, I'll allow you to have what you most desire," Ruki said, licking my neck as a taunt. "And should you ever want to take your life again, I'll remind you over and over who your life belongs to," Ruki said, sinking his fangs in.
Euphoric. Painful. Opposite things to describe this act. Yuma had told me all about how humans struggled and cried out for them to stop. They hated this feeling. I couldn't agree, especially with Ruki. It did hurt, but the pain dulled the ache of guilt inside me. It was selfish to want this, for the sake of making myself feel better. But, I wanted to belong to Ruki. So, I will submit to him and give my all to be what he wants.