September 7th, 1991
Dear Friend,
School was better this time. At the Counselling Group, while Abraham Doltz was crying, me and Poppy were talking about some band called U2. She was telling me about one of their songs, "One". She says it's really good, and she looked like she meant it because she was getting pretty excited when she was talking.
I love it when Poppy gets excited. Her eyes get all big and she talks real fast. She looks at me and puts her face close to mine. Once, I looked at her lips while she was talking. Poppy can't wear lipstick in school, so her lips were natural and pink. Her face was so close that I wondered about kissing her. I am trying very hard not to like Poppy any more because she clearly loves Dizzy Mae and Dizzy Mae clearly loves her and if I say that I do like her I'll ruin everything.
Music was good. Mr Goudy says I'm getting better at the guitar, so good that maybe if I try hard enough I can keep one of the school guitars to practice with over the holidays. Yay me!
I sat beside Poppy at lunch. Dizzy Mae was beside her. Dizzy Mae's eighteen and is going to college next year. She's really nice to me, but she didn't look too happy when Poppy and Adrian invited me over to Poppy's house. She didn't say anything, but she didn't look happy. I called Mom to say that I was going over to Poppy's house, and she said that it was OK, but I couldn't eat anything at Poppy's because she had dinner made. I said that was fine. The only thing I didn't realize was that when I said yes to going to Poppy's, Poppy and Adrian, got up, as did I, and started walking out of the cafeteria and walked straight out the school door. I hadn't realized we were going to Poppy's house now.
We weren't. We went to King's coffee, which is more of a takeout, so we couldn't have our coffee. We ordered coffee and drank it behind the dustbins. I had cookies while Poppy and Adrian smoked. Adrian wanted more coffee, so he went back into King's, and it was just me and Poppy. Poppy looked at me. I looked at Poppy.
"You know, Quinn, you're very pretty." Poppy said.
I didn't know what to say so I said. "Thanks."
"Whenever I tell Mae that, she always rolls her eyes. At least you admit it. At least you admit you're beautiful."
"Hmm."
"You know, Quinn, sometimes I wish Mae wasn't my girlfriend. I mean, she's never accepted me, I think. You know I used to cut, right? Well, it used not be everywhere. When I first got together with Mae, I only cut on my back. And then one time when my parents were away and Mae was with me and Mae saw me in the shower and saw the cuts, she freaked out. She wasn't even tactful about it. She was like "What the fuck, Poppy?" And I knew the game was up and I tried to explain that it just felt good to bleed, to let the pain flow organically, and that I'd been trying not to cut, but she didn't listen and said I needed help. We nearly broke up then, but I apologized. I don't even know if it was my fault when I think back. What do you think?"
I sort of thought Dizzy Mae was kind of bitchy because of that but if I said anything Mae and Poppy wouldn't be happy anymore and I wanted Poppy to be happy, so I said. "Hmm."
"You know, Quinn, sometimes I wish you were my girlfriend. Damn your straightness!" She teased. "You'd be so perfect." She whispered. Adrian came back, so I didn't get to reply, but I knew that I so, so wanted to kiss Poppy right then.