Hellsing Trek
Chapter 4: Imaginary Menagerie
Disclaimer: Take it up with Gene Roddenberry and Kohta Hirano
The ride back to the Hellsing manor was a thoroughly miserable affair. Seras had just returned after the creature Q had vanished. She'd been looking for payback but instead came up with the realization that she was a few steps behind everyone else.
Seras rode in the car with Integra, much to her regret. Integra's rage was a palpable force in the air which was really too much for the young vampire. Suddenly Integra's cell phone began to ring and she answered, though she seriously considered answering the phone with "Fuck you" instead of "Hello". So, Integra just settled on a stern, "Yes".
"Sir Integra, we have a serious problem here at the mansion"! The caller cried out frantically above the din of what seemed to be the sound of rodents.
Integra frowned in confusion, "What's happening, speak quickly".
"There are these . . . things. They're attacking us and the manor. We can't stop them they're breeding too quickly"!
Integra could still remember the attack by the Valentine brothers and the memory was a painful one. There was no way that she would lose a single man to the hideous beasts that Q summoned from the depths of space. She looked at Walter and yelled, "Step on it Walter, we're in a hurry".
The aging butler calmly replied, "Dually noted Sir Integra". Without warning Walter slammed his foot down on the gas pedal. The old man clutched at the steering wheel like a mountain climber hanging on for dear life. Cars that had previously kept pace with them now seemed to be standing still as they faced the vehicular wrath of Walter C. Dornez, the Hellsing retainer.
Seras looked to Integra as though she had expected something different. Walter tore up the side of the highway, completely ignoring all speed regulations and the safety of other drivers. He weaved the car through traffic with the skills of a sewing maiden while bouncing up and down in his seat like an excited child. Integra noticed Seras worried expression, "Don't worry Seras, if we crash you'll regenerate. I'll be the one that dies".
Seras was hardly comforted by Integra's words. In her naïve mind formed an image of herself and Integra as hamburger meat on the floor of the car and Alucard trying to separate the
parts. Walter in the meanwhile didn't think that they were going fast enough on the right side of the road so he decided to drive on the wrong side of the road. Walter turned around to reassure Sir Integra while cars swerved to avoid head on collisions. "Don't worry Sir Integra; this is quite routine for me. You're in good hands".
Integra just screamed back, "KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD".
Walter looked ahead just in time to avoid hitting a passing truck that would have killed both of the human passengers in the vehicle and given the lone vampiric passenger a serious headache. "Ever so sorry Sir Integra, my reflexes aren't what they used to be". At that moment, Walter turned sharply to the right, cutting off two vehicles and for a moment leaving Integra thinking that they were going to cross over to the other side.
Finally they began to reach the outskirts of London. Here there were a smaller number of cars on the road so Walter did less cutting off and passing. Walter seemed to calm down, though this did not cause him to slow down or to drive on the right side of the road. Finally the large gates of the Hellsing manor loomed in the distance. Integra's pulse dropped by several beats seeing them so close to their destination.
There were two guards at the gate, who were behaving as if nothing was wrong. The two soldiers jumped out of the way as Walter slammed on the brakes and came within a whisper of slamming into the sturdy iron gates. Rolling down the window Walter said in a commanding voice, "Open this door quickly. We have an emergency within the Hellsing manor"!
"Right away sir", the first soldier rattled off with military briskness. The huge gates swung open and once more Walter burned rubber. Turning sharply Walter put the vehicle into a sharp and dangerous skid. By skill or luck, the car screeched to a halt right in front of the manor's main doors. Integra and Seras unbuckled themselves, only too glad to be away from Walter Dornez, the Hellsing driver. Integra raced through the doors with her handgun drawn. Two soldiers on patrol saw Integra in her breathless frenzy and looked quite surprised.
Integra barked at the two shocked Hellsing troops, "You men, this mansion is under attack why are you not defending this place with your lives".
The senior of the two was stunned by Integra's legendary rage, "S-Sir Integra, it's all perfectly safe".
"Safe you say! One of my men is in trouble in this very manor".
The junior of the two said in a sheepish voice, "Well, Jenkins did some screaming five minutes ago but they said he'd be okay".
Integra snapped at the soldier; spit flying from her mouth, "Jenkins, where the hell is he"!
"I think he's in the kitchen or-
Integra turned around and screamed, "POLICEGIRL"!
Seras snapped to attention, "Yes Sir Integra! Coming Sir Integra"! She was as terrified of Integra as the soldiers.
"Get to the kitchen and kill all that threaten my people". Seras ran off like lightening. She pointed her gun at the senior soldier, making him duck, "You men, come with me". The three of them took off at breakneck speed after Seras. After many twists and turns they reached the kitchen where the screams were coming from.
Integra kicked open the door and scanned the room with her handgun. In opening the door she had caused the large steel contraption to slam a soldier in the back of the head. He fell to the floor like a sack of potatoes while his comrades looked fearfully at their flustered leader. Integra would never shoot any of her people without good reason, but they didn't know that.
Integra was confused, "What's happening, where are all the space beasts". One man, a colonel approached Integra slowly, as if sudden movements would cause her to shoot.
The colonel said to her, "Approximately twenty minutes ago we heard screaming from a Private Jenkins. We found that he had something down his shirt". Behind them, Jenkins screamed again. Integra got a good look of what was attacking Jenkins. He seemed to be surrounded by little balls of fur that made cute squeaking noises. He screamed and thrashed while trying to reach into his pockets.
A moment later Jenkins pulled out two more fur balls from his pockets, which seemed to be clinging somehow to a chocolate bar he'd been saving for later. Free of the deadly fur balls, Jenkins ran towards his fellow men. Breathing heavily from fear, he now had to put up with merciless taunting. The colonel alongside Integra made the first jibe, "What's wrong private? Were those things too big for "Kill-em-All" Jenkins to handle"?
Jenkins response was the same for the next dozen jibes that came at him "Fuck you, fuck you all! I fucking hate little furry things".
Integra's yell broke the humorous atmosphere, "Will somebody please explain to me what the hell is going on or at least what the hell happened".
Jenkins started, hoping that he being the first to answer would grant him back some of his manliness. "Well sir Integra, I came up here at thirteen hundred hours to investigate the kitchen staff's reports of a bright flash of light". He licked his lips, "Upon arrival I discovered that there were several small spherical life forms about the kitchen, they seemed to be feeding". He then brought up the worst point of the attack, "I was then ambushed by several of the creatures as they dropped from the ceiling".
The man who had investigated the original screams laughed, "What! Attack? They fell from the ceiling and fell down your shirt you miserable wanker". More laughs erupted at this.
Jenkins yelled at the man, "Fuck you Driscoll! Nobody asked you anything".
Integra looked to Jenkins and said in a calmer voice, "Please continue".
"After I was attacked, I was able to rescue myself without any help from Private Driscoll. Soon after I discovered that the things had multiplied and were eating all the rations. Naturally I called my fellow soldiers to help with the infestation. On my second trip back, a pair of the creatures climbed my uniform to access two Mars Bars that I had on my person". He straightened, unsure of Integra's reaction.
Integra didn't get a chance to respond, Alucard suddenly materialized in the room. He looked down at the soldier and his fellows, "Miserable cowards, unable to kill mere rodents and unwilling to help a comrade. It's no wonder that so many of you died last week". The soldiers looked darkly at the elder Nosferatu but knew to hold their tongues, the botched raid last week was still a sore point for the troops.
At that moment, the police girl stumbled into the room, "Sorry Sir Integra, I took a wrong turn and realized I didn't know where the kitchen was".
Alucard reprimanded his fledgling, "I told you on the first day, Police girl, that you should learn your way around this mansion. Clearly knowing where to go is not a high priority for you". Seras looked sad, almost as sad if Alucard had shot her puppy dog.
Suddenly a flash of white light heralded the appearance of Q, this time dressed as a British general instead of appearing in his usual maroon business suit. "What's going on here? This sort of riffing and raffing is not fit for a British military establishment. Get rid of these tribbles on the double now". The fake moustache he wore twitched dramatically as he spoke.
Integra stared down the omnipotent being, "You're no general Q, you're just a charlatan".
"I'm not a general, Integra. That counts as your only correct statement".
Integra felt her anger bubble at the alien being, "What are you-
"Earlier this day you thought I was sadu-hem, then you thought I was a trio of Xar scouts and finally a tyrannosaurs rex. When in fact I was none of the above".
Alucard swooped in on Q. This would have had a lesser being scared beyond belief. But this was not a lesser being; this was Q, of the Q continuum. To him, Alucard's scare tactics were cheap. Q exhaled sharply and Alucard was sent flying backwards, slamming into one of the kitchen's sturdier walls. Alucard recovered immediately and pulled both his handguns out. He began to fire his weapons rapid fire at Q, who blocked the bullets with his bare hands. The entity grinned at Alucard, his military uniform changing with a flash of light back into the maroon and black suit.
Alucard was seething at his inability to harm Q. He knew that even with all of his powers unleashed he could never harm Q. Q just tutted, "Quite the temper you've acquired Alucard. It looks like all the years of torture you endured under Abraham have really given your fighting spirit a boost".
Integra glared at Q, "What do you want"?
"What do I want"! Q cried out in an exaggerated voice, "I want to have a jolly good time". Q then turned into a stereotypical Englishman, complete with bowler hat and umbrella. Q just stood there posing, as though the expected laughter. Moments and moment's passed but the effect that Q had desired never came to pass. He looked around the room, "Nothing, nothing at all"?
Various words of negative response met Q's ears and his expression grew dark, "Oh the hell with this". His Monty Python outfit vanished and was replaced the garb of an official of Russian Orthodox Church. Every eye in the room marveled at the pitch black priest's robe Q wore, complete with a flat topped hate identical to the one he wore at Alucard's trial.
Alucard recognized this particular brand of priest's robes, "The Russian clergy use those black robes at funerals. Whose funeral are you planning Q"?
"Alucard you know better, those orthodox priests wear black no matter what. A funeral and a wedding are no different to them. As it ought to be I might add".
Q shot a malicious glare at Integra, there was no more humor or camp on his face anymore, "Now to answer your first question, I'm prepared to celebrate the funeral of Private Mortimer Jenkins".
Integra aimed her gun at Q's heart, over which he wore a massive gold cross, "You'll do no such thing. You'll tell us your intent and then leave here permanently".
Q's priestly robes looked blacker now, as if they were woven from the fabric of a black hole, "I could tell you what I want but I would much rather make a game of this whole affair". Q then turned towards Jenkins, who had been trying to get out of sight, "And as always, when I play games, I play deadly games".
Q snapped his fingers and suddenly Jenkins was strapped into a massive guillotine with a great silvery blade poised to behead. To Q's ears, Jenkins scream of terror was music. "Here are the conditions of the game: At changing intervals I will seize members of those under your command. I will put them in life threatening circumstances and you must guess".
Seras squeaked, "What are we supposed to be guessing"?
Q's dark eyes struck fear into Seras; they were the opposite of her master's eyes. His eyes burned like fire. Q's eyes were empty but at the same time full of a very alien intelligence. It was like looking into the eyes of some primordial creature, there was nothing in those eyes that the human mind could comprehend or relate to. "You have to guess something about my being here. It could be anything; you might ask me if I mean to cause harm or to help. You could ask me who I'm after".
Q then looked at Jenkins's friends, who were too stunned to try and help. Ah yes, human weakness was something that Q enjoyed. He started again, "The downside of this is that if you ask me something that isn't true. If you ask me if I come to cause help but I actually come to cause harm, then I will consider that wrong. If I consider it wrong then the life of the person in question is forfeit. If you choose not to answer it will be considered a wrong answer".
Q looked into the face of Jenkins, who was sweating bullets and praying to his imaginary god. Q looked to all the people in the room and beckoned them, "So, who shall ask the first question".
Deathly silence rung out in the room. Nobody spoke, nobody moved. It was as if time had frozen, which was not at all impossible given the circumstances. Finally somebody said, "I'll go first".
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Sorry for the delay but my creative forces have ordered me to work on the big Hellsing for the past little while. I hope that this chapter was satisfactory and that everybody enjoyed it.