A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me...
Here Without You ~ 3 Doors Down
~ Edward, age 19
11 months after leaving Bella ~
If six months ago, someone would've told me that it'd get easier to live without her, I would've laughed in their face. I knew of no way possible that the throbbing hole in my heart would ever relent in it's torture; it would always ache for what I'd thrown away.
Really the pain never did completely dissipate, but I began to notice that some days I didn't think of her much, and other days she didn't grace my thoughts at all. Granted those day were few, but it happened.
I ended up feeling guilty on those days when she wasn't on my mind. In the least, I owed her that... because she loved me – she really did, and I loved her – more than anything.
Still do with what's left of me.
Somehow, the days became weeks, and those weeks marked off the calendar were months gone by and I tried not to add them up. The last thing I wanted was to add finality to the elapsed time, to be able to measure it. My soul knew no difference of a day or a year, a minute or twenty fours hours – it was all the same.
I'd left her.
She wasn't mine anymore.
But she still owned my heart...
I'd been drifting city to city, finding odd jobs to make a little cash to get me by and then move on. I never desired to stay in one place very long; they all felt... wrong.
For the past two months I'd been staying in Richmond, Kentucky; it was a good little party town. At least there were plenty of college women to occupy my time.
So many different women, I was thankful I wasn't counting. There was never cuddling, or kissing, or awkward morning-afters. All of them were just a quick fuck or a blow job, I'd take whatever I could get.
I didn't even want to know their names, the less personable the better. It was just an empty release, and each time I hoped that maybe it would change. It'd been nice if afterward I could still experience that post-sex euphoria, that feeling of bliss and ecstasy that lodges in the soul and radiates through your body making you glow.
I never did.
I only grew angrier and possibly more lonely. It wasn't the sex that was lacking; it was the emotions tied to it – or more importantly, the lack there of. I needed to find a way to lower my expectations and accept that I would never have that again.
So the nameless women just became a distraction – and did I ever need distractions! My landscaping job wasn't always enough of one, and the alcohol never numbed the pain completely. The underground 'script meds were pretty fucking nice, but the sadness was always there, looming over me like a thick fog after a summer rain.
Non penetrable, no light strong enough to dissolve it, not even the blinding rays of the desert sun.
No matter the company, I was always lonesome.
For the past week, every day when I clocked in at the office, the six digits on my time card made my hands tremble. The date. My heart would pound, and I could feel my blood racing through my fingers, making my fingertips tingle.
Three more days and it'd be a year.
A whole year since I'd fingered her silky hair.
...Since I'd kissed her perfect lips.
...Since I'd heard her whisper my name.
...Since I'd looked into her eyes and promised her the world.
...And lied – to her and to myself.
I wondered if they made a Hallmark card for that shit. The day you threw away your future? Broke your lover's heart? Milestones were fucking stupid anyway. I didn't need a damned reminder of a day that was somehow the best and the worst day of my life.
But the anniversary came anyway. I couldn't shake the uneasy panic in my gut.
I barely found the will to get out of my bed, and I didn't go to work that day.
Instead I walked – to nowhere. I walked until my feet ached and blisters formed on the backs of my heels.
Then I walked some more.
No one stopped to offer me a ride. I didn't want one.
I walked for two days and nights, but in my mind, the calendar day never ended. It'd still been exactly a year – 365 tormenting, burdening, Hell-on-Earth days.
8,760 long hours.
525,600 agonizing minutes.
31,536,000 piercing seconds, and I hated every single one of them.
Had she noticed the date? Did she ever think of me? Had she moved on?
I'd never know.
To top it off, I'd lost her picture four months ago. I was driving with the windows down and a gust of wind blew through the car and her photo floated out into the dark night. I never could find it, and I felt like I'd lost her all over again.
So now all I had were my memories.
And my dreams.
I found a spot to rest atop a hill overlooking a beautiful lake. The rising sun had cast its orange reflection onto the rippling water below.
I finally allowed myself to sit down in the serenity of my surroundings and I rested in the palm of Mother Nature. But as I exhaled I just felt so empty. I had nothing, and I wondered why I was even still attempting to survive.
Stepping out in front of a speeding bus or taking a stomach full of pills often crossed my mind, and I never fully ruled it out. But that'd mean I was just as weak as him and I wasn't – not yet anyway.
I was still doubtful that I could live out the rest of my life like this – to feel this depressed, to not to have anything to look forward to, to hate the whole goddamned world so much. Was it worth getting out of bed every day? Pretending to smile? Every fucking day living and breathing and showering and sleeping – trying to just get by, and for what? The hell if I knew.
Twelve months weren't enough to get over her, and, honestly, I never wanted to. I deserved to live like this, broken and defeated, for however longer I continued to live this pathetic life...
...Because no matter what, she'd always be my girl.
*~o0o~*
~ Edward, age 12 ~
Bella and I had been emailing each other almost every day since she'd shared her email address with me two years ago. I'd been too chicken to call her. She'd said it was best anyway if we just emailed, she was often busy at the B&B.
I was thankful for that too. It never made me nervous staring into that computer screen and typing what was on my mind, and it was really easy to be honest. I could even ask and say whatever I wanted, well – almost.
We learned everything about each other, and I thought of her as my best friend. She knew every little thing about me, and she still liked me in spite of it all.
I knew all about her too, and I thought she was amazing. She did her school work on her own, without even being told! She didn't get to see her Dad much, and she never seemed sad about it. She helped out her Mom everyday at the B&B. She even said that she'd thought it was fun and that someday she'd probably own it herself.
Like I'd said, amazing!
But I also knew that she wished she could go to a normal school instead of being home schooled. I think she missed out on having friends, I was really the only one she had. She'd said she wished she could attend things like school dances, parties, and stuff. I told her she wasn't missing anything, or at least I didn't think so.
Because I hated for her to be sad, I tried to include her in everything I did. I mean, I told her about it anyway. Whatever happened with me at school, at sports practice, or at church; I always wrote her a small email at the end of the day and shared it with her. She'd said it made her really happy and that she'd just live through me – whatever that meant.
At least once a week she'd call me when she had some free time. It wasn't as easy to talk to her on the phone. Mostly we'd just sit there and listening to each other breathe, but I still liked it. I always looked forward to her phone calls.
We still visited the Dwyer House every Christmas and summer, and every time I'd see Bella she just got prettier and prettier. It sounded so nuts, but she really did take my breath away and I couldn't believe she was my girl.
This last Christmas vacation, for some reason, whenever we were together, it was just … effortless. I mean, my hands were still sweaty and sometimes I had to take a deep breath because I felt like I was going to barf, but we could just sit and talk for hours and then sometimes, we didn't talk much at all and that was all right too.
We just wanted to spend time together; I even helped her out around the huge house doing her chores.
Hanging out with her was just like it was hanging out with my friends that were boys, except that it was way better and I was always ready to do it again as soon as possible.
I really liked her, and I was pretty sure she felt the same way about me.
My parents took us to a dinner and a movie together on our first real date. I even held Bella's hand all night, and it was real special. I begged my mom to take us out again before we left, and she just laughed at me and told me to take it slow. What did that mean?
This time before we left, Bella and I spent the whole day together, and I held her hand again. I even rubbed over her knuckles when she started to cry about me leaving. I promised her we'd talk or email still every day, and I meant it. I wished I knew how to tell her how much I liked her; instead I kissed her cheek and told her that I'd miss her too. And I knew I would. I always did, even when she was just a few floors away – I missed her.
*~o0o~*
~ Edward, age 13 ~
This summer at the Dwyer House, when I was around Bella, she made more than just my belly twirl. I felt it in other places too, and it kind of freaked me out.
I found myself staring at her boobs, even though they weren't that big. I just couldn't look away.
And when she wore shorts, I noticed that her legs were really curvy and nice and if I was being honest, I wanted to touch them.
She'd sit really close to me on the couch, and it'd make me breathe harder.
I think Bella felt it too, I mean, sometimes when I looked into her eyes, they'd get really big and dark, and it was like she wanted to say something to me, but she never did.
I wished I could read her mind.
If she was nervous around me, I couldn't tell it. She was always standing or sitting really close to me, and touching my arm or my back, linking our arms together, or putting her feet in my lap. She said she loved to smell me, which I thought was really weird, but I didn't say anything. I knew she sometimes smelled good too, but I never did sniff her on purpose.
She also loved to run her fingers though my hair and carried on about how cute it was, and she liked how soft it felt. And oh my god, I never pulled away, because it really felt good – almost too good if you know what I mean.
Maybe it was because we touched all the time, but we were very comfortable around each other. There was nothing we couldn't talk about or say to one another.
That was really cool too.
We held hands every chance we could. Once we were in the recreation room downstairs, there was a baseball game on the television, and no one else was around. My Dad had just went upstairs to get us a drink, and Bella came over and sat in my lap. I froze in my seat. I didn't know where I was supposed to put my hands or what I was supposed to do. She leaned back against my chest and turned her head to my ear. "Do you like this Edward?" she asked.
I thought I might die, because I did like it - a lot.
But I was frozen stupid, and all I could do was nod my head.
"I like it too," she whispered before softly kissing my cheek.
She then slid over onto the couch to sit beside me, and I pondered how many minutes it'd take for my heart to slow down and beat normal again.
I'm not sure how long it was before I finally could turn my head to look at her. I noticed her face was flush too. She looked at me and winked. I smiled really big at her, and I wanted to kiss her, like, for real.
But about that time, my dad walked back in, and Bella turned to put her feet in my lap. Feeling bold, I laid my hands on her shins and winked back at her.
Then it looked like her chest was rising and falling faster than normal, and I wondered if she felt the same surge of tingles inside her body that I always seemed to be feeling in mine when we touched.
As we sat there and tried not to look at each other, I realized what those tingles meant – I wanted to touch her, and I wanted her to touch me. Holding her hand, or laying my fingers on her legs, or our arms joined together, connected us in a basic way that made me feel good, happy... full.
And made me want to do it more.
The day before I was to leave, Bella planned us a picnic in the small meadow outside of the house. It was just going to be us two, and I was sort of nervous. Should I kiss her, like really-really kiss her? I knew she hadn't ever kissed anyone either, and we wanted our first times to be together. But was I ready? I didn't know. How do you know you're ready?
We ate our homemade pimento cheese sandwiches, and I was so glad Bella didn't add onions or peppers to it. It was really good.
We ate some fruit and cookies, and then we just sat on the blanket and talked.
I was still thinking about kissing her as I watched her mouth move; it was really tempting.
We decided to take a walk, and we found this clover field that was just so pretty. I'd never seen a small hill with clover blooming everywhere like that.
Bella sat down on a bare spot in the middle of the field and pulled my hand to sit beside her.
My back began to ache the longer I sat there, so I laid down and folded my hands behind my head. Bella reclined beside me and rested her head in the crook of my arm. I stretched my arm out and curled it around her shoulder, and she reached up and linked our fingers together.
We laid there for a long time in silence and watched the clouds float over us in the sky.
All I could think of was how nice this was.
"Edward, can I ask you something?" Bella asked in a quiet voice.
"Sure."
"Am I your girlfriend?"
"Yeah – I mean... I hope you are." I started to get nervous because I didn't know what she was going to ask next.
"Do you want another one?" There was hesitation in her voice.
"Uh..."
"I mean, Edward, do you want a girlfriend that... like, you go to school with or something? Because I understand if you do."
I couldn't answer her fast enough. "No Bella, I don't."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah. I'm sure. I wish you lived closer to me, of course, but you're the only girl I want to be my girl, Bella."
"Really?" I could tell she was smiling without even seeing her face.
"Really. What about you Bella, do you..." I couldn't even say the words.
"Oh Lord no," she giggled, "there's only you Edward. You're the only one."
When she said that, I got that funny feeling down deep in my belly again.
"Will you promise me something, Edward?"
"Maybe, I mean I'll try my best. What is it?"
"Will you always be honest with me? Tell me the truth, ya' know. If someday you don't want to my boyfriend anymore, will you please just tell me? Or if some girl asks you out or something, I want to know. Okay? Just don't keep things from me."
"Yeah. I will. I mean, I won't..."
"No, Edward, listen." She rolled over and propped up on her elbows to look me in the face. "Please, don't ever lie to me; that'd break my heart." Her bottom lip puckered out a little and it was really, REALLY cute.
I almost couldn't look away from her lips as I slowly shook my head and I never wanted to hurt her. "I promise, Bella, to always tell you the truth. I never want to hurt you. Ever."
She closed her eyes and leaned forward, and, before I even had time to think about what we were doing, her lips were on mine. Our lips barely opened and closed against the other with each breath we took. I could taste her inside my mouth, and I think my mouth was watering.
I wanted to put my arms around her and hold her close, but was that what I was supposed to do?
She laid her hand on my cheek, pulled her lips back and rested her forehead against mine, "Edward, I-I think I love you."
My heart felt like it was swelling out of my chest and my stomach was doing somersaults. My palms were sweaty and all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around her and kiss her some more!
"Bella... I think I love you, too," I said through my smile. It felt so right to say it. I'd been thinking it for awhile, and I'm pretty sure that's what this was – love.
"Edward, I know we're young, but I hope we stay together for a long time," Bella said, resting back on my arm.
"Yeah, me too, Bella... me too."
A very long time, forever even.
~*o0o~*
*The first symptom of love in a young man is shyness; the first symptom in a woman, it's boldness.*
~Victor Hugo
Sigh..
I originally told myself I WAS NOT going to bore you to death with long-ass author's notes BUT... since you're already here...
*Please don't hate about them being young, I have a 11 & 14 yo sons & I'm trying to keep it real here, BUT this ExB feel the real thing and they WILL push the envelope. Seriously. When I write them, I'm trying to keep to their age & their long distance situation, yes they're more mature than most their age, but so was I.
*I wasn't going to warn you - At All - about what is coming up, but I will anyway, a little bit. There will be some dark themes ahead, maybe hard stuff to read, difficult situations, but they wont last too long. As of right now, in 3 chapters you'll know mostly what happened to Edward & he'll be standing on the steps of the Dwyer House in the rain, knocking on Bella's door after being gone six years, so stay with me.
*As you know if you read my other fic - Almost Doesn't Count, even though this is fiction, I try & keep it real as much as I can, meaning I don't make it all fluff & rainbows b/c that's not how life is (or mine anyway). This fic will be no different.
Thank Fragile for A LOT for this chapter, I'm bad. Enuff said. And I know that every other sentences is a run-on sentence, I'm aware. Just pretend that's how Edward talks, K? Hugs to Becky too!
Link for above song & a picture of a clover field on my profile.
Twitter: Mrs_Robward
Thanks for reading,
~Stacy