Chapter IV: Reason

Her eyes fluttered open to the bright room, the makeshift canvas hangings barely blocking out what sunlight shone into the small space. She stretched her arms over her head and sighed wistfully as her eyes roved over the ceiling. She shuddered at the cool air that misted across her bare skin as the thin blanket fell away. Another shudder came when she registered the sound of his deep voice, bringing her to consciousness.

"Morning," he said huskily as he bent down and planted a soft kiss on her lips, sending tingling shivers down her spine all over again. He had his camo trousers in one hand but was otherwise clad only in his boxer briefs. Her eyes roamed the expanse of his impossibly chiseled physique in the light of day, appreciating every line and curve that formed the presence before her.

"Good morning," she said with a smile as she instinctively reached out and placed her hand on one thigh, the strength and hardness of it under her fingertips giving her goosebumps. "Did you sleep well?"

"Best I've had in a long while," he mused as he pulled on his trousers, smirking as he saw her pull away reluctantly. He bent down and kissed her again, deeper this time, one hand cupping her chin. Then he sat on the cot in front of her.

"What was that for?" She asked, still half drowsy and caught off guard. He smiled. He was softer somehow, she thought. She was sure there were very few people who saw Snake put down his guard so carelessly. He seemed almost carefree for lack of a better word. She couldn't help but smile.

"Everything," he said. Again, she found herself mystified.

"I take it that last night was a good thing," she said in a near whisper as she looked at him, smiling uncertainly. Her gaze then wandered over to the corner of the blanket that draped her half naked body, her fingers now toying with it for distraction. When she looked back up at him, she saw that his expression had changed, and he looked thoughtful as he stared at her. There was a flash in his eyes, whether of pain or sadness, she couldn't tell. She felt her heart give way and grabbed his hand, squeezing in apology, cursing herself for thinking out loud.

"I'm sor—"

"It was nothing like that."

"Oh." Comprehension flooded through her. "I didn't mean—"

"It's alright," he cut in. The room fell quiet.

"It's not alright," she countered, nodding to herself. "I assumed wrong where I had no business doing so, and I'm sorry for that." She felt him stiffen in response as he didn't expect these words. She went on. "I have no right to presume or judge you, Snake." She bit her lip, ashamed and annoyed at herself for going so far as to actually believe all of the hearsay about this man when she should have left those biases at the door. He turned and looked down at her.

"People talk," he began. "If it isn't one woman, it's several." A pause. "I remember my early days as a rookie, when the older guys would give me advice. 'Experience is everything,' one said. 'You've gotta rein them in like tigers, especially the ones you'll meet.' They'd howl like like a pack of wild dogs. From that time on, I didn't take their advice seriously." His eyes were hard as he looked ahead into nothingness, his fingers still entwined in hers. "You don't find love on the field. There's nothing in a war zone that comes close to that word, and there will never be anything like that out there." A somber silence draped over the cool morning. They were still, allowing his words to sink in, for his thoughts to form. "In all the time I've been doing this, I've realized that that kind of human connection is beyond explanation, sacred in a way." He looked back down at her, his mouth wanting to curl into some form of a smile but remained so. "When two people join, they're doing it for different reasons. Out of convenience or necessity, it's a bond they won't forget." His gaze seared through her like flames in an open field. "I don't sleep with women so I can tally their names on a chart. I don't do it to fulfill my soldierly needs either, though it gets tempting once a while." He smirked.

"Why do you do it then?" Her fingers were dancing around his, memorizing the scars and lines adorning his weathered skin.

"At some point, I see the person without their guard up. I see them for who they are, not who they were pretending to be on the field. I'd find a way to take that part of them with me afterwards. It made my job easier, knowing I had a piece of someone."

"We're all human at the end of the day," she mused, in tune with his thoughts. He nodded.

"In some ways, I've become dependent on the lives of others. Those real instances that I've shared with them – that's what I remember most."

"That connection keeps you going," she acknowledged.

"No matter how far and wide you search, you won't find a semblance of humanity in war," he explained. "The longer you stay in it, the easier it is to lose yourself. I'd be lying if I said it was easy to stay the way I am, to still feel the way I do."

He removed a strand of hair from her face and ran a finger down the side of her cheek, committing it to memory. She blushed and saw him smile ruefully, the hardness in his eyes dissolving into the softness from earlier. She sat up and threw her arms around him, squeezing him as tight as she could. His bare skin was soft and cool to the touch but the instant they touched, his warmth spread through her like wildfire. She felt his arms wrap around her waist just as tightly. She shivered, whether from emotion or the cool morning, and Snake tightened his embrace, covering as much of her as he could, shielding her, protecting her. He planted a kiss in her hair as she closed her eyes and committed the moment to memory herself, remembering the earthy smell of his skin, the indestructible feel of his strong arms around her. They both felt an odd sense of relief and contentment, their tight embrace grounding them and keeping them whole.

She began to hum a melody she had sung to herself whenever something overwhelmed her with emotion. Her voice was a whisper away but the notes somehow complemented the slow rhythm of his heartbeat. He closed his eyes, etching the melody into the vaults of his memory yet again. After a moment, she pulled away just far enough to look up at him.

"You're something else," she said, more to herself than to him. She felt her eyes moisten as she thought of him on the field through the years, alone in his work, taking bits and pieces of anyone he could just to remain human. It broke her heart. She would have given him all of her if it was possible. "You're lucky I came to the rescue, you know," she said, sniffling and laughing, feeling ridiculous but unable to stop the tears once they formed.

"You could say that," he agreed. "But why are you crying?"

"I'm a mess," she choked, laughing in between. "Tell me how you retain your humanity again and I'll be on the floor bawling my eyes out. Ugh." She heard a growling chuckle from him as he took her into his arms and planted another kiss in her hair. She pulled away again and composed herself just long enough to get the next words out in one breath before she fell apart again. "You don't have to take a piece of me with you after this." He meant to say something but she hushed him. "I don't care if this sounds ludicrous – I'll be at the end of any line, rope or satellite, as long as you're there. You can take all of me with you at any time. Wherever you go, I promise to be there."

"I can't let you do that," he said dutifully.

"I wasn't asking your permission," she replied. "Count on me, Snake. I'll be there."

He nodded, no words left in him. Then he thought of something. "What was it you were humming just now?"

"An old English folksong, of a man who meant to give his lover the world," she said as she recited the lyrics:

I will give my love an apple without e'er a core,
I will give my love a house without e'er a door,
I will give my love a palace wherein she may be,
and she may unlock it without any key.

My head is the apple without e'er a core,
my mind is the house without e'er a door,
my heart is the palace wherein she may be,
and she may unlock it without any key.

"It's a beautiful song," he said as he thought of her. Of his growing fondness in hearing her speak, hearing her sing, hearing her make love, and hearing her cry. He felt the thrumming of his heart beneath his chest for the first time in a long time, and it was a mysterious but altogether sensible thing. It felt right somehow.

The rest of their fourth day passed in a blur of conversation and lovemaking, holed up in that room with nowhere to be. It was as close to pure bliss as they could get on the other side of things. At some point, she remembered to check on his vitals to make sure the antidote was working, which it was. "All of this has sped up the healing process," she said sheepishly as she looked at the red marks on his neck and chest from just a moment ago. There he sat, radiant and adorned after lovemaking, nodding with a smile and listening to her as he was wont to do. This gorgeous man and his profound quietness, his inclination to listen and understand before all else. She was forever marked by the fact that he had shown her his true self, and vice versa. Whatever this was, was real.

The pact had been made, and they both knew she meant it. Despite Snake feigning stoicism, he was grateful for her promise. All it took was one special person to ease the pangs of loneliness and isolation. Para-Medic was his person. She was special. He would keep all of her with him wherever he went, for as long as he lived, if he could help it. He knew she meant what she said. On her end, she had no problem with the bargain. She would easily hound her superiors to place her on any mission Snake was assigned to. She would be there every step of the way. What kind of a world would she be living in, she thought, where Snake risked his life everyday, to have nothing in return? It was beyond that notion too. What they shared in the past few days was surreal and significant, and she would make sure she was there for him. It was as simple as that. Like the man who would give his lover the world, Snake could unlock her love without any key.

Notes:

It's great to have Snake talk about his past. This is something he'd do easily if he were with Para-Medic. Naked Snake is the most dynamic of his successors because he's distinctly human – he's got an unshakable core of empathy. His layered humanity makes him an intelligent man who gets the inner workings of human emotion. Or that's what I'm telling myself as I write this love letter to Snake, man among men. My feels.

I'm certain my soul twin Para-Medic is also a renaissance/lute/John Dowland fan. That song makes me want to weep. Listen to the version sung by Andrea Scholl and if you feeling nothing afterwards, you have a heart of stone. :)