A/N: Oh goodness, this is the crackest shit ever. XD ZeKaku, folks. Yes. Kakuzu on the BOTTOM. A sin in itself. XD So, talk time?
Obama's the prez of America now! I accept all opinions, I'm just going to tell you that right now, so McCain supporters, I respect you. But Pizzazz and I had a friend. Yeah, she hates me because I'm bi and a Democrat. So I feel like my life is kinda sorta crumbling at the edges, but I know I can do better than her. I have you people and my other friends who don't care about my sexuality. :3 I love you all. Seriously. Thanks for giving me a reason!!

Title: Sex Pollen

Pairing: ZeKaku. Oh my JASHIN.

Genre: Humor/Horror

Rating: M

Summary: In which Zetsu has a special pollen he likes to use on other men, and Kakuzu is an uke.

Credits: I have an ex-friend who hates my gay guts. :D But let's forget about her!! ^^

Crack Wednesdays 4

Sex Pollen

"Kakuzu!" Hissed two voices in unison from behind the door.

"What?" The tan man snapped at Zetsu in annoyance, stopping mid-stride.

"C'mere, Kuzu," the plant-man crooned from under the folds of his Venus Fly Trap leaves.

"Zetsu, I'm busy. That motherfucker of a Jashinist got captured by Ame's ANBU… again."

"Oh, he can wait. He's immortal, anyhow." Purred Black Zetsu, both halves smiling pleadingly.

Kakuzu rolled his eyes, exhaling heavily. "Fine. But this had better be well worth it. Time—"

"Is money, yadda yadda, we've all heard it before," droned Black Zetsu, pulling his fellow Akatsuki into his bedroom.

The dark-haired killer huffed, leaning against the wall in boredom. "So, whatcha got for me?" What he didn't expect was for Zetsu to suddenly back him up further against the wall, their faces a mere two inches apart.

"Mm, Kuzu, you know, I've loved you from the minute I joined Akatsuki."

A disgusted sneer crossed Kakuzu's lips. "Eh. No thanks."

"Oh Kami, Kuzu, you look so sexy when you sneer," Zetsu breathed, his face becoming contorted with something like pain.

"Please, don't make any moves on me. I killed my last—what's wrong with you?" The stitched-nin asked, noticing the increasingly agonized expression.

"Ungh, I'm pollinating—"

A thin, dark brow lifted in amusement. "Is that your form of an erection or something?"

"This isn't—any normal—pollination… Kuzu..!" Abruptly, Zetsu hiccupped, and a shower of shimmering, gold dust flew into the air from his crown of leaves, drifting down onto Kakuzu slowly.

"'the fuck is this?" The taller ninja shouted, coughing as the honey-sweet scent invaded his nostrils. "And did you have to do it on me?"

"It's a magical solution, Kuzu!" Zetsu moaned erotically, watching in delight as the gold sank into the creamy-chocolate skin. Indeed, the 'magic' was doing its work.

"What is this shit, nyaa?" Kakuzu asked, a horrified look on his face appearing as he involuntarily added the last sound. He clapped his hands over his mouth, blushing furiously, a feat he'd never done before.

"It's an Uke Powder," Zetsu informed him cheerily. "Not only does it make you gay, but also a stereotypical uke!"

"What—mmph, nyaa?" The once-intimidating murderer swallowed, finding it impossible to navigate around the 'nyaa'.

"Now we can have sex, and you're so Uke'd, you won't be able to resist!" White Zetsu enthused, utter delight in his eye.

"Wait, Zetsu, nyaa! Where the fuck did you get this shit, nyaa?" Kakuzu briefly closed his eyes, mortified by how disgustingly uke he was.

"It's special pollen we generate monthly. We're generally supposed to use it on females, but seeing as Konan's the only girl and wouldn't like me impregnating her with cannibal babies, I can't reproduce. But it makes some great sex." Black Zetsu winked suggestively.

Kakuzu's emerald eye widened in horror. "You're fucking joking, aren't you, nyaa?" He was rudely ignored, as Zetsu took his arm and led him to the bed. The stitched-nin was screaming inside. His feet were no longer listening to his head, turned slave to the pollen. "What other poor souls have you raped, nyaa?" He yelped in misery as he was successfully laid down on the bed.

A dreamy smile placed itself on Zetsu's face. "Ah, damn. Everyone but you and Konan."

An alarmed look dominated Kakuzu's (admittedly adorable) face. "You're not serious. Nyaa." He winced as the damned 'nyaa' escaped his mouth persistently. Now he understood Deidara's distress when people made fun of his speech impediment.

Zetsu nodded eagerly, a happy glint in both his eyes. "I'll admit, you're the last because you're the scariest. And Pein and Sasori. Shit, they fought the pollen pretty well, but I got 'em in the end. So worth it."

Kakuzu didn't like this. If the great Akasuna no Sasori and the fearsome, almighty God of the Rin'negan could both be defeated by some creepy-ass pollen, he was fucked. Literally. But not without his own fight.

"I can't believe this, nyaa," he snarled, hissing as Zetsu placed his hands over his suddenly weak arms, pinning him down to the bed.

"Neither can I," the plant-man chortled, a disturbingly happy look on his face. "It seems the more difficult the prey, the better the sex. And you're the toughest yet, just like I predicted. Ooh, I can't wait to get started."

"How'm I the most difficult, nyaa?" Kakuzu asked in a panicked voice. There was hope!

"Usually, the pollen makes them the epitome of Ukes. You know, blushing, crying, totally submissive. But it seems you've actually managed to retain your jackass personality."

The tanned man felt his eye twitch at the image of the arrogant, proud Sasori, blushing and crying. And- heaven forbid- Pein on the bottom.

"But please—enough chit-chat, love." Zetsu smiled, slipping his pants down, revealing, horror-of-horrors, a multicolored dick. No way in hell was that monstrosity getting inside Kakuzu.

He tried to lift his arms up and throw Zetsu off, but now that he knew what was going on, realized that they were weak and frail. Just like an uke's. He unsheathed his sharp threads from within the breaks in his useless limbs, but the tendrils simply wound lovingly around the rapist's body, tender and caressing. Yeah, this wasn't going too well.

Then, Zetsu leaned down to kiss Kakuzu's neck sweetly, moving down as he quickly discarded the stitched-nin's black tank top. The belittled man felt his insides shrivel up as a hot blush covered his unwilling body. He hadn't blushed since… Oh Kami, that had to be at least eighty years ago.

He watched in dread fascination as Zetsu slowly, ceremoniously pulled his pants down, revealing both their naked bodies in all their colourful glory. Well. This was a jacked pre-sex moment.

"Wait," Kakuzu gasped in desperation, needy for anything to delay Zetsu's rape-fest. "You don't want to have sex with me."

"Whyever not, dearest?" The plant-man questioned, not too perturbed by this denial.

"I'm crawling with STDs!" Kakuzu lied, listing the top ones he could think of. "Gonorrhea, Syphilis, Chlamydia, I think I might even be HIV positive."

"Oh, you're so sweet," White Zetsu giggled, touching a bleached finger to Kakuzu's dark lips. "But not to worry. I have immunities against all sorts of illnesses. It comes with the Easy Sex Pollen deal."

"Damn," Kakuzu muttered. Then, blinking, he cleared his throat. "Damn. Damn..? Uh… Damn."

Zetsu cocked his black eyebrow in curiosity. "Kuzu?"

"My 'nyaa's are gone!" He exclaimed in joy. It had been fast for them to come and go, but he definitely was not complaining.

A fearful look flitted over Zetsu's eyes. "Crap." With the urgency of someone at gunpoint, he prepared two fingers to insert into Kakuzu. "Time's almost—"

"Oh, fuck no, you don't." The tanned ninja growled, grabbing the offending hand. His strength returning, he experimentally flicked out a few more threads, which this time, were actually able to slice Zetsu's skin. "Ha!" He jeered, light-headed from his close scrape with involuntary sex.

Leaving the bleeding plant, he jumped up from the bed, yanking his clothes back on. As he shook off the last remaining dredges of Sex Pollen, he stopped at the doorway, and on his last Uke impulse, shook a finger at Zetsu, as if chiding him. "Naughty, naughty, nyaa." He scolded, and then made his way far from the defeated Zetsu, flipping a leg flirtatiously.

He'd passed the ultimate test- wriggling out of a dirty situation while under the influence of a magical powder. He kicked so much ass.

And, oh, how Zetsu wished he could ever get some of it.