K.U.B.O.

Chapter 4 (The Madness Continues…)

"CHRISTIANITY: The Belief that some Cosmic Jewish Zombie can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him that you accept him as his master, so that he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree." -Meme Center-

"Owww. OWWWWW…"

Urahara wasn't sure what hurt worse; the coming-down headache, or the ass-whooping Ichigo had given him to knock him off his high. K.U.B.O didn't seem particularly inclined to help him with either. K.U.B.O. didn't seem particularly inclined to follow most of his commands, after "Clean This Shit Up." (or had that been Ichigo's command?)

Ichigo had definitely said "No more Cocaine for Urahara." That much he remembered clearly; and true to his word K.U.B.O. Would not produce another bag, no matter how many times Urahara told it to do so. At first Urahara just thought it was broken again. But this was not the case; K.U.B.O. would flawlessly perform any task Urahara gave to it, so long as the task did not contradict instructions from Ichigo.

No one was supposed to be able to command K.U.B.O. except me, Urahara brooded. And yet all evidence suggested that Ichigo had done exactly that. Was it possible that K.U.B.O. had a will of its own, and that K.U.B.O.'s will favored Ichigo above all others? No; that would be silly.

"OWWWWWW; MY FUCKING HEAD!" the damn throbbing would not go away. Rummaging through his old gadgets hadn't helped either. "I've got tech that can put nipples on a frog and turn dog-shit into diamonds…how do I not have cures for a hangover?"

"Giving Kermit bitch-tits was obviously the better use of your time," Renji offered sarcastically.

In hindsight, that was not the most productive use of scientific resources, Urahara had to concede.

"Maybe Yoruichi was right…" Urahara trailed off.

"About the machine being a bad idea?"

"What…no…about common sense and responsibility and shit. Maybe I should be using K.U.B.O. to perform great feats of science and make the world a better place instead of doing drugs and getting my dick sucked."

"…You could do both…" Renji saw no conflict between the two. "…and maybe do something to help Isshin while you're at it. Ichigo kicked him out of the house."

"ICHIGO kicked ISSHIN out!?" that was the reverse of every bad fanfiction Urahara had ever read. "How, Why, and…oh God…he's gonna wanna move-in with me now…god-fucking-damn-it…"

That arrangement is going to be all kinds of unacceptable.

"Okay…so you didn't hear it from me…" Renji blabbed like a gossipy bitch. "But Rukia told me that the last time Isshin did coke, he showed up half-dressed at Karin and Yuzu's school and exposed himself to the entire 3rd grade."

"…dude…"

"Anyways; lawyers got involved. There was a restraining order. And apparently they agreed that if Isshin ever did coke again, Ichigo would get the house and the girls."

"…and I put free powder in front of him," Urahara suddenly felt like the world's biggest douche.

He's still not fucking living here.

"...you gave him the junk." Renji said, in a tone neither condemning nor condoning. "He took it."

"…Still…" Urahara felt guilty. If it's Ichigo's will that Isshin be punished, that's another problem K.U.B.O. won't let me solve. "I feel like I should do something responsible. You know…to balance out Karma…"

"You have a reality warping machine," Renji reminded him, while flipping through television channels and trying to find something decent to watch. Nothing on Discovery Channel. Nothing on Animal Planet. Nothing on Food Network. "Stop talking about doing it and do it."

"Something responsible…let me think…" Urahara's head was till pounding. Thinking was hard. "Something to make the world a better place. Something that will advance science in leaps-and-bounds…"

Damn it…this is hard...

"Knowledge is folly unto the LORD; be not deceived by atheist scientists and their wicked lies!" Renji's channel-surfing rested on the Gospel Network. "All truth comes from the LORD our God, and his holy word. Science will have one theory today and another theory tomorrow, but the truth of the LORD is eternal!"

"Go back to the bible-thumper," Urahara's interest piqued as Renji flipped to the next channel.

"You actually wanna watch that shit?" Renji cocked an eyebrow incredulously.

"Just do it," Urahara could already hear the voice of Yoruichi in his head, saying Do not do what you are thinking about doing.

"The age of the world's oldest living organisms are consistent with the age of an Earth that is thousands of years old. No scientific evidence can PROVE the age of the Earth. Age is not really a matter of scientific observation, but an argument about our assumptions about the unobserved past. In the end the Bible will stand vindicated, and those who deny its testimony will be confounded. The Bible tells us God's judgment will fall upon those who deny his truth, and who reject God's right to rule. But that same Bible also tells us of his willingness to forgive us for our rebellious behavior. The coming of Jesus Christ has made this possible."

"Okay…I'm not even a scientist, and I can tell you all the reasons why this is bullshit," Renji laughed.

"…People believe this?" Urahara gaped

"Rocks supposedly 400 million years old still have living bacteria in them. This is impossible; bacteria do not live that long. The lesson here is clear; the evolutionist's challenge to the bible's timeline is ill-founded. And if humans evolved from monkeys, then why are there still monkeys?"

"If Vasto Lordes evolve from Adjuchas, then why are there still Adjuchas?" Renji mocked.

"…I feel like I'm being Bukkake-ed with stupid…" this was making Urahara's head hurt worse then Ichigo dropping 50,000 tons of reitsu on him.

"Science is based on observation. The only reliable means of knowing anything is by the testimony of a reliable observer. The Bible is the testimony the communication of the only One who witnessed the events of Creation: the Creator himself. As such, the Bible is the only reliable means of knowing…"

"Turn it off!" Urahara had heard all he could stomach. "I think we both know what needs to be done here…"

"Wait…you're not actually going to…"

"K.U.B.O.! In this reality Christianity never happened!" Urahara spoke decisively. He looked out his window and was rewarded by the sight of children flying by with hoverboards and jetpacks. "BOOM! I just did more for science then any man in the past 2,000 years. YOU'RE WELCOME!"

"…This will probably have unintended consequences," Renji cautioned.

"Like what?"

"Well for starters…you're about to get hate-mail from half your readers…"

"Worth it."

"No more Nun Porn."

"Still worth it."

"Chuck Norris never turned to Christ after losing to Allen Steen in the 1966 World Martial Arts Tournament. Which means he never improved enough to win the Karate Triple Crown in 1969. Which means he never met Bruce Lee. Which means he never became famous. Which means Delta Force, Karate Kommandos, Walker Texas Ranger were never made."

"Is Bruce Lee still alive?"

"Let me check…uhhhhh….yeah…doctors in 1973 had the technology to cure the brain-swelling from all the hits he took to the head. He's still making movies."

"…then still Worth it."