CARLOS POV
As I exit the bedroom knowing full well Logan only loves me as a friend nothing more, I started to doubt that anyone could love me, so I found myself walking to the bathroom. I just stared at myself thinking if I should do this again, 'well I promised Logan I wouldn't kill myself, but I never promised I would stop cutting.' I thought finding a loophole in the promise I made him, 'he wouldn't care anyways, he doesn't love me, nobody would.' I told myself sadly as I dragged the razor across my wrist three times on both of them. The pain made me fell alive it made the emotional pain go away but not for long. As I proceeded to exit the bathroom I made my way to the couch to go to sleep, as I laid there trying to go to sleep but I couldn't my mind was swimming with so many thoughts, tonight has brought back so many memories but only one popped out. I tried to shack these thoughts away but it didn't work this time. I still remember what happened very vividly.
*Flashback*
I woke up like every other day, but something about that day felt different, well it could be because I'm going to tell my parents that I like guys not girl. Hopefully they take it well 'they will still love me.' I thought to motivate myself. I got out of bed and headed to the bathroom to take a shower and to hopefully calm my nerves. After the shower I got dressed and made my way to the kitchen to get breakfast, I see my parents sitting there. 'Now or never' I thought to myself nervously.
"Papá, mamá, tengo que hablar con usted."(Dad, mom, I need to talk to you) I said not making eye contact, but I can feel them looking at me.
"¿Qué es hijo?"(What is it son) My dad said in a concerned tone. I looked at both of my parents and they gave me a warming smile, 'I know they'll still love me know matter what' I thought growing very confident. "Soy gay."(I'm gay) I said slowly as I could feel myself becoming very nervous. Then the silence didn't help. I looked at their face for any reaction, I saw my dad's face turn a bright angry red and my mom looked like she was going to faint.
"Ningún hijo mío será homosexual, incluso si tengo que batir de te. No puedo aceptar esto."(No son of mine will be gay, even if I have to beat it out of you. I can't accept this) He yelled at me, as he got out of his chair and punched me across the face. I fell to the ground holding my cheek and then I tasted something metallic. 'I can't believe he just did that.' I thought as I saw blood on my hands and tears started falling from my eyes.
"Aiya que está de acuerdo con su padre. Que ser gay es inaceptable, por lo que los vecinos pensamos... o decir." (I have to agree with your father, to be gay is unacceptable, what will people think…or say)My mom finally said, not doing anything as she stood up next to my dad. I saw the look of disappointment in their eyes; I felt my world flip upside down. It felt like something was piercing right through my heart, I cried even harder. Only to find that I could no longer breathe as my dad kicked me square in the chest, I found myself looking up at my parents as I was on my back trying to catch my breath. I couldn't believe what was going on…..they were my parents they loved me…..how could this…..I started crying again out of pure confusion.
"Detener ese llanto y hombre! No le gustan a otros hombres, te gusta chicas y yo estaré maldito si no puedo solucionar esta fase aunque vas."(Stop that crying and man up! No! you will not like men, you will like girls I'll be damned if I cannot fix this stage you are going through) My dad yelled at me as he picked me up off the ground by my collar. He shook me with such force that I got dizzy, not that he noticed he was too busy telling me to be straight.
As I finally was able to catch my breath, I made my way back to my room to go to sleep even though it is only noon I just feel like sleeping for the rest of my life. 'Tomorrow will be better' I thought to myself actually hoping thing would get better as I drifted off to sleep.
*End Flashback*
I was broken out of my memory by someone touching, I jumped up ten feet in the air, only to look over to see James sitting there staring at me wide-eyed, I was relived it was him, as I sat back down he started rubbing my back.
"Hey buddy, you okay?" He asked in a worried tone. I look at him and just simply nod a yes. "Are you sure?" He asked again in a more worried and demanding tone, all I could do at this point is nod my head. "If you're okay then why were you crying?" James said, as I shift in my seat nervously, trying not to look at him.
"I…I…I wasn't crying." I said defectively. As I get up to go to my room which I really don't want to go in there and see Logan, but I was roughly pushed back down.
"Tell me what's wrong Carlos." He demanded. I sighed heavily debating if I should tell him why I'm crying or not.
"Okay fine I'll tell you, but you have to promise not to tell anyone." I sighed. "I accidentally told Logan that I'm in love with him." I said in a defeated tone as I looked down at the ground. James was about to say something as I started talking again. "And he said he just wanted to be friends so I came out here to sleep on the couch, I started to have a flash back of when my parents used to beat me." I said as tears started falling from my eyes.
"It's going to be okay, your parents can't hurt you anymore. And Logan is a better person than that, you will find someone better." He said, as he pulled me in to a hug.
"Thank you, I really needed that." I said pulling away from him. As I decided I won't worry about trying to be with Logan.
"No problem, goodnight Carlos." He said as he stood up to make his way back to his room.
"Goodnight James." I said, as I walked to my room to go to sleep finally. I walk in my room to see that Logan isn't in his bed he's in mine, 'why would he sleep in my bed?' I thought as I made my way to Logan's bed. "Tomorrow I'm finding myself a boyfriend." I said under my breath as I drifted off to sleep.
LOGAN POV
When Carlos came back in to our room it woke me up. I heard him get in to my bed because I was sleeping in his hoping he would sleep with me but he didn't, as I was about to fall asleep again I heard Carlos say he's going to find a boyfriend tomorrow, I started to silently cry when he said that as I reluctantly fell back to sleep.
I woke up dreading today, remembering what Carlos said, brought tears to my eyes, 'ugh why do I have to be so stupid.' I yelled at myself as I look over at my bed not seeing Carlos, 'where is he?' I wondered as I got out of his bed to do my morning routine. After I got done I made my way to the kitchen, I noticed a note on the fridge from Kendall went to the pool with Carlos and James. Mom and Katie went shopping, we didn't want to wake you up. I sighed knowing what Carlos was actually going to do today. I decided to go find him and tell him how I really feel, I sprint out of the apartment going to the pool. I stop at the doors to the pool seeing Carlos sitting on one of the pool chairs next to James and Kendall talking, I open the door slowly and proceed to make my way to sit next to Kendall, not wanting to sit next to Carlos just in case he's mad at me.
"Hey, what you guys talking about?" I ask as I sit down. They all look at me, I look at all of them for a second but look at Carlos a second longer, I could see in his eyes a mixer of emotions, anger, sadness, and what looks to be confusion.
"Nothing." Kendall said suspiciously. But I decide to drop the subject, we sit in awkward silence before James decides to speak up.
"So…..what are we doing today?" James asked nervously looking at all of us for an answer.
"Can we go get some ice cream?" Carlos asked giving everyone the puppy dog look.
"Hey that sounds good, let's go Carlos." James said as he started to get up, Carlos jumped out of his seat running to get some ice cream. James sighs and turns back around.
"Do you guys want one?" He asked.
"Yes. Can you get me a vanilla one?" Kendall asked and James just nodded his head and looked at me.
"What about you." He said. I just shook my head no and with that he left. Kendall turn toward me and looks at me with his eyebrows raised.
"What up with up?" He asks worriedly.
"Nothing. Why do you ask?" I said a little bit annoyed at how he knows when something is bothering me.
"Well I know something's bothering you." He said in a know-it-all tone.
"Nothings bothering me Kendall." I practically yell at him. Thinking if I should actually tell him.
"Come on you can tell me anything." He said softly. I sigh and begin to tell him.
"Okay…well Carlos said he loves me and I told him I just wanted to be friends….then I heard him say he's going to find a boyfriend today...and I don't know what to do, I do love him and I want to be with him, but something inside of me told me it's not right to be with him." I said hoping he understood me as I began to cry.
"It's going to be okay Logan… just tell him how you feel." He said as he tried soothing me. I look at him questionably.
"What if he has already moved on? What if he doesn't love me anymore?" I sob out trying to regain my composer.
"Logan…if he actually loved you I don't think he would move on that fast. You need to go tell him how you feel before it's too late." He said trying to motivate me.
"Your right Kendall… Thank you." I said as I stood up to go find Carlos.
"I'm always right… No problem." He said smirking at me as I left to go find Carlos.I made my way to the little ice cream stand out front of the palm woods, I see James standing inline but I don't see Carlos anywhere. "Hey James. Where's Carlos?" I asked as I made my way over to him.
"Oh yeah, um…. Carlos is…um he went on a date." He said uneasy about the situation I look at him dumbfounded.
"WHAT! Who did he go on a date with?" I yell at him him in question.
"Um...with a guy named Dak, I think." He said as he turned back around to buy his ice cream, I was on the verge of tears so I decided to head back to the pool.I made my way back to the pool sitting next to Kendall again, I see Kendall open his mouth about to say something but quickly closes it as Camille and Jo come up to us.
"Hey guys." They said in unison
"Hey." Me and Kendall said, as Kendall and Jo engage in a conversation, while Camille just stands there staring at me.
"So Logan, what are you doing today?" She said in a flirty way.
"Nothing, what about you?" I ask not trying to be rude.
"Well if you're not doing anything, do you want to go see a movie with me?" She asked nervously.
"Sure that would be fun." I said. As Kendall turns to look at me and gives me a what-the-hell look, I just shrug as I got up to go with Camille to the movies. We made it the movies, deciding what movie we should see. She wanted to go see The Vow as I wanted to go see The Women in Black, but we made a compromise to go see Chronicle. As the movie started she wanted to hold my hand which I really didn't like, I wish it was Carlos watching the movie with me and holding my hand. Half way through the movie I was getting bored and decided to looked around only to see two other people seated two rows ahead of us, they were both guys and they were kissing. When they pulled apart I practically ran out of the theater crying as my heart broke into a million pieces.
what do you guys think of the story so far...
there will be a lot more drama in the next couple of chapters.
should i do more of the story in kendall and james pov?
oh yeah there is something that kendall isnt telling anyone...can yyou guess what he did?