Title: Open Your Eyes
Genre: romance, hurt/comfort, drama
Rating: T+ for language and suggested themes (might go up in several chapters)
Pairings: Johan AndersenXJudai Yuki (spiritshipping); insanely mild Jun ManjoumeXJudai Yuki (rivalshipping)
Summary: Johan Andersen and his boyfriend Judai Yuki have been dating for a little over a year, and they are ready to take their relationship to the next level. While Johan is extremely excited about this, Judai seems rather nervous. Doubting Johan's true feelings of "love", as he claims, for Judai, Jun Manjoume calls Judai over to his dorm room just before the time when Judai and Johan planned on having sex. This leads to something that Judai wishes he could take back, if he could even remember what had really happened...
Me: Next chapter!
Lucy: Judai found out that Manjoume ended up having sex with him, and now Judai thinks that he's a disgusting whore and not worthy of Johan and he is thinking of breaking up with him!
Me: Please do not misunderstand, miina! I do not hate Manjoume! But if I need someone to try and steal him away from Johan or break up their relationship, I use Manjoume because he is so straight-forward and it is just something he would do!
Lucy: Please enjoy this chapter!
Chapter Four: Virgin
When Judai opened the door to his dorm, he was greeted by a sight that nearly stopped his pain-filled heart. A loud gasp escaped his lips when he stepped into the dorm, where the light was still on, despite how early in the morning it was.
Johan had collapsed to the ground by the computer chair.
Judai's note was laying beside the bluenette, crumpled into a small ball.
Johan was shirtless, a white towel laying by his hand. He was on his back on the ground, and he looked pale. He was breathing, from what Judai could see, but it looked like his breathing was slightly laboured.
"Johan!" Judai cried.
He went rushing over to the bluenette as quickly as possible. For a moment, he forgot all about what had happened.
In his state of fear and worry for his boyfriend- and he was still calling Johan that- Judai had forgotten all about Manjoume in the bed beside him, their clothes tossed on the floor, a dull pain throbbing through Judai's body. Judai had forgotten all about his plans to break up with Johan since he felt like he wasn't good enough for Johan now that someone else had taken him.
"Johan, what's wrong?" Judai called out again. "Are you all right?"
He collapsed to his boyfriend's side and lifted Johan's head so that he could cradle Johan's head on his lap. Judai brushed the bluenette's bangs from his face, a few more tears behind his eyes.
"Johan, wake up," he whispered. "Is this..."
Judai swallowed and whispered his next words so that even if Johan was awake, he would never hear them. Judai barely heard them. If he had not been the one saying them, then he would have never known they had ever been spoken.
"Is this because I slept with someone else?"
In the back of his mind, Judai feared that the reason Johan was unconscious right now was due to karma. Had karma come and taken something precious to Judai to make him suffer for what he did? Judai didn't usually believe in karma or destiny, but right now, he was certain that there was a force somewhere that had caused his boyfriend to fall into this state, and it was somehow link to what had happened(1).
As he feared, Johan wasn't awoken by his calls or his whispers.
Judai was contemplating rushing to the nurse. He wasn't too happy with the idea that he would have to leave Johan, but moving him would be a worse thing to do, since Judai had no idea what was wrong.
He called and called, but nothing worked.
While Judai contemplated running to the nurse and getting help, the clock on the side of his bed was ticking slowly. It was 6:59, and it was soon approaching seven o' clock, as Ojama Yellow had said in his "spell" that had put Johan in this nearly comatose state. It ticked slowly, each second taking longer to pass than it should have.
Finally, the clock ticked to seven o' clock.
And Johan's eyes opened.
The first thing Johan did was look over at Judai. His green eyes widened, and he rocketed into a seated position. Judai jumped at the sudden jolt and stared at his boyfriend's expression; a mixture of relief and worry.
"Judai!" Johan yelled, relief coloring his tone. "I was looking for you! When did you come back?"
Judai stared at Johan for a few moment and pursed his lips together.
Should he tell Johan the truth? No. No, he was too afraid. He was afraid that if he told, he would make it seem like he had slept with Manjoume on purpose and then Johan would get angry with him. He was too afraid to deal with that now. Should he lie? Judai felt horrible whenever he lied to Johan, which never really happened. Mostly, when Judai lied, it was about how he was feeling. If Judai had a nightmare, he would curl up at the end of the bed and not tell Johan about it. Johan would ask what was wrong, and Judai would answer with a simple, "Nothing." Johan would then wrap his arms around his boyfriend from behind and yank him back against his chest. "Don't lie to me, Judai," he would whisper. "Now please. Tell me what's wrong. Please? I love you."
Judai swallowed the lump in his throat. Compared to this, all those nightmares he had were nothing. At least nothing happened to you in a dream. Now, Judai wasn't pure anymore, while Johan was.
Judai wasn't good enough for someone as pure and as perfect as Johan, as he thought. Judai shivered and looked to the ground, trying to think of something to say to Johan.
"I-I came right back," Judai lied.
His heart tightened. He hated lying, especially to Johan. But what else could he do? Everyone pegged Judai as this brave person who laughed in the face of danger, and maybe that was the case. But right now, Judai had never been more afraid in his life.
"You did?" Johan sounded... skeptical.
"Y-yeah," Judai pressed on, still looking at the ground. "When I came back, you were asleep."
This was true, Johan was "asleep" when Judai came back. Telling him that small amount of truth helped quell the pain that came from telling Johan the lie about coming right back, but it wasn't enough relief to make Judai feel any better.
Johan glanced at the clock. "Eh? I fell asleep?" He sounded shocked.
The bluenette glanced around.
His expression twisted into one of confusion. "Huh? Where's Ojama Yellow?" he asked, more to himself than to Judai. Judai flinched at the memory of the Ojamas, since they were Manjoume's cards and made Judai think of Manjoume. "He came here saying that he was going to tell me where you were, Judai, and then... I can't remember."
The bluenette turned to Judai and flashed him a smile.
"Oh well," he said. "You're back now, Judai. And you don't seem nearly as nervous as before. We can get started then."
Before Judai could say anything about or on the subject, Johan pressed his lips firmly, yet pasisonatly, on the brunette's. Judai's eyes widened, but he allowed himself to be pressed against the wall. He and Johan were kneeling- well, Judai was sitting, Johan was kneeling- with Judai's back against the wall.
Johan reached up and held Judai's left hand with his right, and with his left hand, he cupped Judai's cheek and tilted his head back slightly, which deepened the kiss even further.
Judai was in too much shock to do anything.
Once again, his plan to break up with his pure, beautiful, god-like boyfriend were forgotten. The idea was snuffed out of his mind the moment his boyfriend's lips touched his.
A soft moan escaped the boy's lips. He hoped that Johan wouldn't hear it. If he did, then they would go even further. Judai was too disgusted with himself to want to go farther with Johan right now. Johan was still pure, he had been saving himself for the one he loved. Judai had done that as well, but now, he wasn't pure anymore. Someone else, someone that he didn't love and someone that he only saw as a friend, had taken him for his first time last night.
He wanted to pull away. To tell Johan why he couldn't do this.
But nothing happened.
Soon, their passionate kiss turned into a lack of self control. They both needed each other. Judai's morals were lost. For a split second, he forgot that he wasn't good enough for Johan anymore. He wrapped his free arm around his boyfriend and drew him closer. The kiss turned into a lack of control, becoming desperate to taste one another.
Johan took the hand that had been holding Judai's cheek and went down to where the hem of Judai's pants were.
The moment that happened, Judai snapped back into awareness. The passionate moment, the relief of thinking that he was still good enough for his boyfriend vanished, and Judai was back to realizing what he thought he had become after what happened.
He drew away from the kiss and turned his head away from Johan.
Johan stopped and glanced down at his boyfriend, confusion and shock in his expression.
Judai was looking away from Johan, and he was shaking. His bangs were covering his eyes, so Johan couldn't see if he was crying or not. He saw that Judai's lips were drawn into a straight line, despite the soft trembles that surged through his body. Johan drew his hand from Judai's and he reached out to touch Judai's cheek once again.
"Judai?" he whispered.
The brunette shook his head, either to tell Johan that he wasn't going to say what was wrong or that he was going to say that there was not a single thing wrong with him.
This hurt Johan.
He always worried when Judai became like this. He would hold Judai and keep him close until Judai was read to talk to him about it. In the end, it always worked, and Judai would tell Johan just what was bothering him.
"Judai," Johan whispered. "What's the matter?"
The brunette shook his head and refused to look at his boyfriend.
Johan felt horrible all of a sudden. It was as if someone had stabbed him in the heart with a sword. A wave of nausea came with it. I've been too pushy with my feelings, Johan feared. That's it, isn't it? Judai's super nervous about this and I've practically been pushing him into it! God, what kind of boyfriend am I? What monster forces the one they love to do something they aren't ready for? I'm the worst! Johan looked down and turned the boy's head so that Judai was looking at him.
It hurt him to see the unshed tears in Judai's eyes.
"I'm sorry," Johan murmured.
This confused Judai. He glanced up at Johan with a shocked expression. Johan was giving him a soft smile, but Judai could see that Johan wasn't as happy or as calm as he pretended to be. Judai could see that he was upset with himself, but for what reason, Judai couldn't guess. But Judai found himself thinking on what Johan had just said.
"I'm sorry."
There was pain in Johan's voice when he said it. Judai could hear that he was trying to hide it, but it still came. Johan was in pain, mentally, and Judai couldn't have imagined why.
What in the world do you have to be sorry for Johan? It wasn't your fault, the brunette thought.
"I know you're nervous, Judai," Johan murmured. "I'm nervous too. And I know I'm being... pushy with my emotions. I'm so sorry, Judai. We won't do this until you are a hundred percent ready, okay?"
Judai gulped again. All he could manage was a nod.
Johan wrapped his arms around Judai and brought him close. Judai laid his head on Johan's shoulder and pressed himself as close to the boy he loved as he possibly could. Tears were still filling his eyes, but he couldn't bring himself to tell Johan what he needed to tell him. He choked on the words whenever he tried to say them.
The way Johan held him... It was like Judai was the most precious thing in the world.
Judai didn't think of himself as something special. He thought of himself as average. He had brown hair and brown eyes, nothing flashy, and he was just a simple duelist. What was so special about him? Judai had never thought much on romantic feelings because he couldn't see what some person could ever see in him that they would fall in love with.
And then Johan came along.
Johan told Judai every single day how special he was to him. He told Judai every chance he got how much he loved Judai. Sometimes there was no need for Johan to say anything. He would just embrace Judai for no reason or kiss him without warning. All the words he wanted to say would be transfered through the kiss or the embrace. Judai felt special whenever Johan did these things. Even if he didn't understand how Johan- perfect, beautiful, god-like Johan Andersen- could fall in love with someone as plain and average as him, Judai was so thankful that he had.
That was why Judai felt so horrible.
He had wanted Johan to be the first one to take him. Now that it hadn't happened, now that someone else had taken Judai, Judai felt as if he were the most disgusting person in the world. He felt disgusting and he felt that if Johan knew what had happened, then there was a chance that their relationship could never be the same.
"Judai, talk to me," Johan whispered. There was evident pain in his voice.
The brunette flinched at his boyfriend's pained tone. He wanted so badly to scream out what had happened, but he just couldn't bring himself to. It hurt too much to even think on it, let alone say it.
"J-Johan, I..." Judai whispered.
He felt Johan tense when he spoke. Johan had obviously heard the hesitation, the fear, the pain in Judai's voice. Judai swallowed once again and kept his tears from faling. He was shaking, but Johan's embrace made him feel safe and secure. The trembles eventually died down enough so that they were bearly noticable anymore.
"J-Johan, I-I think..." Judai shook his head slowly. "I-I think w-we have t-to... to b-"
He couldn't do it.
Judai choked too much on his words, and he couldn't say it. He loved Johan too much to let him go. He loved him. Judai let a few tears fall, but he kept them hidden from Johan. He wasn't going to let Johan know what was happening. How would he explain it? Judai didn't even know what had happened! He couldn't remember anything!
"Judai?" Johan breathed.
"I-I'm not ready," Judai whispered. "I-I think we need t-to wait a bit..."
Judai could feel Johan exhale in relief. Judai now knew that Johan thought they were on the verge of breaking up, and they were. Judai felt bad about the lie that he had told.
He was ready.
Judai was ready for Johan to take him as soon as he walked into Manjoume's room to help him with the combo. Judai had shed any nervous ideas or thoughts that he had. He was ready to go back to the dorm, grab Johan, kiss him, and then let whatever happened from there happen. He was ready for it, and then this had happened.
"Then we'll wait," Johan whispered with a true smile. "I'll wait for you until you're ready. I'll always wait for you, Judai."
Judai felt even worse at these words.
His heart hurt. He wanted to shout that Manjoume had slept with him and that he couldn't remember anything, but the words wouldn't form. Judai wanted to scream it and let Johan know how sorry he was, but he couldn't say it. Something inside him just wouldn't let it happen.
Johan, I'm sorry, the poor Osiris thought.
He closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around Johan.
He couldn't tell. As much as his heart hurt, he just couldn't tell Johan what happened. Something deep inside him had locked it deep inside, and he couldn't voice it.
It was a locked up secret now.
And Judai would drag it with him to the grave.
Me: Poor Judai! He's having such a horrible time! Manjoume, why? (1) Judai, you have no idea how right you are!
Lucy: And will he ever be able to break past whatever is keeping him from telling Johan? And how will Johan react when he hears about it, if he ever does hear about it?
Me: The drama continues in the next chapter!
Lucy: Please review and we shall update this as soon as possible!