p class="MsoNormal"strongspan style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"Bernie/span/strong/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"Serena had left Holby a little over a month ago. A month, 2 days, and 13 hours to be exact, not that I was counting the days as I lay awake in bed, unable to sleep. She hadn't called in that entire time and most of my sleepless nights were spent desperately trying to convince myself that she needed space and time, and that's why she left in the first place./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"I had been to work as normal, after a couple of days off when Serena first left, but I felt that the staff were picking up on my low moods, especially Dom. Despite working on different wards Dom and I are close, so when we do see each other around the hospital and I'm more closed-off than usual I know he realises. No-one ever says anything about it, or even mentions Serena's name, but I know they all see how I feel./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"After Serena has been in France for 1 month, 4 days, and 2 hours she calls me. The conversation is short, and I really begin to understand what Jason said about Serena not being the same Serena as she was before Elinor died. We talk about work, about France, about Jason, and briefly about my children. She hangs up first and I get the feeling that I won't hear from her for a while longer./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"Meanwhile, when I'm not at work or lying awake and staring at my ceiling, I'm with Jason. He insists on living at Alan's, because it is for the best, and I agree that it is the right choice because he needs structure and I cannot provide that. I don't eat quite as much as I used to, and when I do it is often at random points in the day, and I don't want to add to Jason's upset by making him live in a small flat with a borderline depressed, unstructured woman./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"Cameron calls, on average, once a fortnight. The conversations are short and are just small talk, and sometimes I don't hear from him for more than 3 weeks at a time. Before my father died I called him weekly, unless there was no signal in whichever desert I happened to be in at the time, but Cameron rarely calls. As for Charlotte, I haven't heard from her since I got a text on Valentine's day 'strongHappy Valentine's Day Mum x/strong'. I replied asking if she'd like to visit at some point, but I never received a reply. Cameron says Charlotte will come around in her own time, but I've been back for over a year now./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;""You need a day off, or better yet a holiday." Fletch suggests over coffee and cake in my office one evening./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;""You saying I look tired?" I jokingly ask, but my voice is tired and heavy./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;""Well, I'm just saying you've barely had any proper time off recently." Fletch assures, sat in the seat where Serena should be./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"I take a day off a couple of weeks later, just before Ric goes on a week-long holiday to Italy with his girlfriend. If I take any longer I'll spend too long thinking of Serena and it will be too hard to return to work once I am used to being sat in bed all day and all night. If I take a holiday it will be too tempting to book a flight to France and see Serena, and she doesn't need me./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"It's exactly a week after the first phone call that Serena calls again, but I don't notice because I am in theatre and by the time I call her back she doesn't answer; probably asleep. I don't call her back in case she needs space, instead I just make sure I never lose sight of my phone, and make sure it's always on the loudest volume, and wait for her to call. She doesn't./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"I go back to work the following day and, for the first time, I am solely in charge of AAU and the trauma unit. Of course my team are always by my side, but I am the only leader. This at least gives me something to do and something to think about that isn't Serena, but when I leave work at 11pm I check my phone and realise she hasn't rung back./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"It's late at night when I am by myself with a bottle of beer and a microwaved meal for one that I feel the loneliest. It's when I have a lot of stuff I want to say to someone, until I realise there is no-one there to tell anything to./span/p
p class="MsoNormal" /p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"The next phone call comes when she has been away for 2 months, almost, and it's mostly just an apology for not calling sooner./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"strongspan style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"I hope you guys are enjoying this and I hope that you like the style of writing that I've chosen, almost like a diary inside the minds of our 2 favourite surgeons. Please leave a review./span/strong/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"Serena had left Holby a little over a month ago. A month, 2 days, and 13 hours to be exact, not that I was counting the days as I lay awake in bed, unable to sleep. She hadn't called in that entire time and most of my sleepless nights were spent desperately trying to convince myself that she needed space and time, and that's why she left in the first place./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"I had been to work as normal, after a couple of days off when Serena first left, but I felt that the staff were picking up on my low moods, especially Dom. Despite working on different wards Dom and I are close, so when we do see each other around the hospital and I'm more closed-off than usual I know he realises. No-one ever says anything about it, or even mentions Serena's name, but I know they all see how I feel./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"After Serena has been in France for 1 month, 4 days, and 2 hours she calls me. The conversation is short, and I really begin to understand what Jason said about Serena not being the same Serena as she was before Elinor died. We talk about work, about France, about Jason, and briefly about my children. She hangs up first and I get the feeling that I won't hear from her for a while longer./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"Meanwhile, when I'm not at work or lying awake and staring at my ceiling, I'm with Jason. He insists on living at Alan's, because it is for the best, and I agree that it is the right choice because he needs structure and I cannot provide that. I don't eat quite as much as I used to, and when I do it is often at random points in the day, and I don't want to add to Jason's upset by making him live in a small flat with a borderline depressed, unstructured woman./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"Cameron calls, on average, once a fortnight. The conversations are short and are just small talk, and sometimes I don't hear from him for more than 3 weeks at a time. Before my father died I called him weekly, unless there was no signal in whichever desert I happened to be in at the time, but Cameron rarely calls. As for Charlotte, I haven't heard from her since I got a text on Valentine's day 'strongHappy Valentine's Day Mum x/strong'. I replied asking if she'd like to visit at some point, but I never received a reply. Cameron says Charlotte will come around in her own time, but I've been back for over a year now./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;""You need a day off, or better yet a holiday." Fletch suggests over coffee and cake in my office one evening./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;""You saying I look tired?" I jokingly ask, but my voice is tired and heavy./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;""Well, I'm just saying you've barely had any proper time off recently." Fletch assures, sat in the seat where Serena should be./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"I take a day off a couple of weeks later, just before Ric goes on a week-long holiday to Italy with his girlfriend. If I take any longer I'll spend too long thinking of Serena and it will be too hard to return to work once I am used to being sat in bed all day and all night. If I take a holiday it will be too tempting to book a flight to France and see Serena, and she doesn't need me./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"It's exactly a week after the first phone call that Serena calls again, but I don't notice because I am in theatre and by the time I call her back she doesn't answer; probably asleep. I don't call her back in case she needs space, instead I just make sure I never lose sight of my phone, and make sure it's always on the loudest volume, and wait for her to call. She doesn't./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"I go back to work the following day and, for the first time, I am solely in charge of AAU and the trauma unit. Of course my team are always by my side, but I am the only leader. This at least gives me something to do and something to think about that isn't Serena, but when I leave work at 11pm I check my phone and realise she hasn't rung back./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"It's late at night when I am by myself with a bottle of beer and a microwaved meal for one that I feel the loneliest. It's when I have a lot of stuff I want to say to someone, until I realise there is no-one there to tell anything to./span/p
p class="MsoNormal" /p
p class="MsoNormal"span style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"The next phone call comes when she has been away for 2 months, almost, and it's mostly just an apology for not calling sooner./span/p
p class="MsoNormal"strongspan style="font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%;"I hope you guys are enjoying this and I hope that you like the style of writing that I've chosen, almost like a diary inside the minds of our 2 favourite surgeons. Please leave a review./span/strong/p