A/N: Quick question; shorter or longer chapters. They'll still be the same length in themselves but I'll split the quotes up as chapters in themselves, yes or no?
I have no beta because I have no friends on here (I don't even know how to add friends) so if you spot any mistakes tell me and I'll try to fix them.
If anyone knows how to add friends tell me. Also please comment on short or long chapters. They'll still be the same but I'll split them up.
"And her brother says, you're joking, And her mother's heart is broken, Sophie has a hard time coping." Sophie - Eleanor McEvoy.
Esme & Emmett.
"If you can name one reason to be fat, I'll name a million and one to be thin."
Emmett POV
Why would Bella do this to herself? Why? To be like Rosalie? Alice? She was already thin, I don't understand how she could get this ill. How she could make herself so sick. I swear, when I get a hold of Edward. For putting her through this. We all knew it was a bad idea. But we would have needed to move anyway. It was just easier to go along with him. What have we done?
When Jasper told us Bella was in hospital I just thought she'd fallen downstairs or something; that she'd get better. But she's really sick. She might not get better. Even with the doctors' help, even if she recovers, she'll still have to live with this, she'll still have the pressure, the worry, everyone around her always worried about a relapse.
When they said Bella had done this to herself I thought they were joking. Why would Bella do this to herself. It's just not like her. And why would anybody want to be that thin.
This must be some sort of joke.
I wonder what Rosalie thinks about all this. She was always so jealous of how Bella got to be human. Well Bella's human now. Mental illnesses and all. Illness, weight loss. Death. Bella's so lucky to be human.
Poor Alice. Poor Jasper. This must be torturing them both. He feels like it's his fault and he feels all out pain. Alice is losing a best friend.
No. I mustn't think like this. She'll be okay. She'll live. She has too. And if not...Carlisle will turn her.
If there's enough time.
Make a joke. Lighten the mood.
I can't do it. Not with Bella so sick.
Bella POV
Everything hurts. There's a bright light above me that pierces through the thin protection of my eyelids. I want the light to go away, to leave me in the darkness. I can hear a beeping noise, quiet rustling. Where am I? I try to think back and the last place I can remember being was a home with Charlie. I went up to the bathroom and then what? I struggle to remember where I was and where I could possibly be now. I was in the bathroom.
I feel so tired. More tired than normal. More tired than not sleeping for three days. My limbs feel heavy.
The bright light above me is blinding me. It's scorching my eye balls. I squirm, attempting to get away from the bright light. I feel a pillow beneath my head and I try to bury myself in it. My arms are attached to something. It feels like string. Am I dead or dreaming? Why would my arms be attached to strings? I try to pull myself free from then strings tying my down, trying to escape from the blinding light.
"Bella?" A woman's voice. Who? Why are they in my bathroom? Or wherever I am. "No sweetie, don't move, you'll pull out the IVs."
Oh no. I have IVs. I hate needles. Please no, not needles in my arms. I want to rip them out. Why are there needles in my arms. I want to scratch them out but cold hands are suddenly wrapped around my arms. Very cold arms. A vampire. Who?
I open my eyes carefully, the bright light still blinding me. Esme? What is she doing here? Did she find me?
I blink. I'm confused. What's happening?
Esme smiles at me.
"Bella, you're sick. But the doctors are helping you now. " Oh no, the IV. They're feeding me. All those calories. Fattening me up like a pig going for auction. The hospital know what's wrong. They're doctors after all, they're not fooled by the I ate before, I'm just tired lies that I tell. They'll make me eat. They'll make me be fat. And all the Cullens, all my family here to watch, here to see my downfall. Here to see me so ill and so fat. Oh no.
"No..." I whisper, afraid.
"Bella?"
"No, take it out. I don't want it." More decisive this time. Forceful.
"What?...Bella...we can't do that. If you refuse to let us help you...you don't have a choice."
"No. Take it out. Take it." I struggle against Esme's grasp. "Please..." I beg.
"Bella, can't you see how sick you are. How thin you are. It's gone too far, whatever you were trying to do."
"No, please. I'm not too thin, I need to be thinner. Please."
"Bella, why?"
"I want to be thin. It's all I want."
Esme POV
It breaks my heart to see Bella like this, to know that somehow it's our fault, for leaving her. She needed us and we just abandoned her. We created this mess. We destroyed the well-adjusted girl that Bella used to be. Why did we leave, we could all see she was far too involved in our family, far too in love with Edward to ever let this go.
I look down at her, still resisting against my grip, desperate to pull the IV and feeding tube out of her arms. What went wrong? She was fine when we were there. She was fine. How could it all go so wrong so quickly. We've only been gone a few months, just a few months. How could it all change in such a short amount of time? What went wrong?
"Bella, you can't. You're sick. You're going to die." I place emphasis on the last word. Maybe she doesn't realise.
"No."
"You're heart stopped. You died. If it wasn't for Carlisle we'd be at your funeral."
"I'm fine." She argues.
"You're attached to all kinds of machines to keep you alive. They only took out your breathing tube an hour ago.That's not fine."
I try to reason with her.
"Bella please, just do what the doctors what, do what Carlisle wants. For us."
"For you? You left me, when I needed you must. You all just ran away." She screams at me. I guess I deserve it.
I don't know what to do? How can I make her see sense. Oh no, we're going to have to sedate her, until she's better. What should I do, should I get Carlisle. I call out his name. A normal human would only be able to hear if they stood outside the room, but I know Carlisle will be able to hear me from his office.
He quickly arrives.
"Bella, how are you feeling?" Calm, efficient. He picks up heart chart and compares her vitals to earlier.
"Like somebody kidnapped me and stuck a loud of tubes in my arms. Get them out. Now."
Wow. She certainly is bitter. Does she really think we're just going to let her up and go? Free to leave, no strings attached? For starters Carlisle has a duty of care. He ignores her demand.
"Well Bella, your vitals have improved a little, although your blood pressure is still too low." He moves around the bed to check the banana bag. Bella continues struggling, trying to turn so that she can see how long she's been unconscious and how much has gone into her body. "We found an alarming amount of caffeine in your blood." He pauses, waiting for a reaction. Nothing. Bella ignores him. "Bella, we want to help you. This isn't to hurt you. It's to save your life."
"It doesn't need saving. I'm fine. Everything's fine. And even if it wasn't I wouldn't go to you for help." Ouch.
"Bella, you either agree to treatment and get better or well section you and make sure you get better."
"You can't make me do anything. I'm eighteen. I'd like to be discharged."
"I'm sorry Bella but I can't do that, since you've decided to resist treatment I'm signing this form, agreeing that you are mentally unfit and will be sectioned under section four of the mental health act which holds you for three days. In that time we will assess you and most likely section for twenty eight days under section two. If your are still deemed mentally unfit the doctor in charge of you care will be forced to section you under section three of the mental health act for a longer unspecified period of time, until it is deemed that you are mentally and physically healthy enough to be released under supervision."
Bella looks stunned. She doesn't say anything.
"Bella we don't want to do this but your giving us not choice. You're ill."
She rolls slightly on her side, still attached to the wires. She turns away from us. She stops fighting against me and I let go of her arms.
"Bella, if you try to pull them out again well be forced to sedate you, you're very sick. I'll come in later when the Banana bag is empty to put in a feeding tube, just until your feel well enough to eat."
She continues to ignore him. He turns to look at me.
"I think it's best if someone stays with her, until we can trust her, maybe Emmett or Alice should take a turn."
I shake my head. "Alice is with Jasper, she's very upset and he's still trying to calm her down. Apparently she can't 'see' anything."
"Emmett can sit with her." Carlisle says calmly. How can he remain so calm in the face of everything.
I look back at Bella and can see her body shaking slightly into the pillow. She's crying. My un-beating heart just about breaks open. It's so painful to see Bella like this.
A/N: The 1983 Mental health act is the UK. I know Bella's American but I'm not. In America its actually section 5150 (involuntary psychiatric hold) which is 72 hours, I'm not sure how they go about getting a longer one. In the UK Section two is twenty eight days, cannot be renewed, and must be signed by two doctors, one must know you and one must be approved under section 12. (Normally your GP and a psychiatrist.) Section three lasts up to six months but can be renewed. They can only be sectioned under section three if next of kin doesn't objects and if they state which mental disorder the patient suffers from. Section four is an emergency hold up to 72 hours (similar to a 5150) and only needs one doctor.
Feeding tubes can be inserted through your skin into stomach or up your nose and down your throat. Banana bags can be used intravenously (IVs) which is what Bella has at the moment.
"The difference between want and need is self control."
Bella POV
Carlisle leaves while Esme stays there and guards me. Does no one even trust me to be alone for five seconds?
When Carlisle returns Esme quickly leaves. He's holding a thin looking tube and a bag. The nurse behind him is pushing a small trolley.
"Bella..." He begins. This can't be good, I can tell from the expression on his face. "Your Banana bag is nearly empty so we're going to change you over to a feeding tube. I know this may be uncomfortable but I talked to your psychiatrist and he agreed that this was the best way forward for now, until you're feeling better."
No, oh no. Not a feeding tube. I won't be able to control anything then. I'll be helpless. I'll have to eat what they want me to eat.
"Bella, we're going to give you a mild sedative to help you relax a little. It will only take a few seconds before you start to feel it." I can see the nurse from the corner of my eye move round the bed and I can feel as she inserts the needle into my canula and injects it into my arm. Already I begin to feel a little bit tired and my energy begins to drop. I don't feel like fighting as much anymore.
"Should I get restraints?" Questions the nurse. No. No restraints. No.
"She's severely underweight and partially sedated, I'm sure we'll be fine."
I can see the nurse move back down the bed as Carlisle shoots me a worried look. She coats the end of the tube in some sort of lubricant and passes it to Carlisle.
"Please be still Bella, as uncomfortable as it is, struggling will only make it worse." Should I struggle? What's the point. As Carlisle mentioned earlier, I don't stand a chance against them. What's the point fighting something if I'm going to lose anyway?
He moves the end of the tube up to my nose and starts to insert it. It's uncomfortable and it tickles to have something shoved up my nose. I resist a little but soon remember it's futile. The nurse holds on to my arm in both a soothing and restraining gesture. I can feel it as it moves down my throat and I gag, but it makes no difference.
When they're finished the nurse hooks it up to a machine. Great, now my life is in their hands. They can do what they like and I can't do a thing to stop them.
"Okay Bella, the feeding tube will provide you with the required nutrients and calories. I know its unpleasant but until you agree to eat properly well have to use this."
I don't look at him. How could he betray me like this? How could Charlie betray me like this?
"Esme's going to come back in now and watch you until Emmett arrives, okay?"
I don't answer. This is so horrible, so unpleasant, so humiliating. I just want to go home and have everything back to how it was.
Emmett POV
I got a phone call from Esme asking me to come babysit Bella while Esme had a break. I really feel sorry for her, even though she doesn't need to sleep or eat it still must have been pretty boring sitting there while Bella was unconscious.
I'm sitting in the chair next to her bed. She hasn't spoken yet and the silence unnerves me. I'm not used to people ignoring me.
"So...Rose couldn't come and visit, other commitments." Yeah right. She doesn't say anything and I wonder what she's thinking and how much we're to blame for this. Did us leaving really do this to her? Or was she a waiting time bomb?
There's silence again.
"What Bella, you're just going to ignore me for five hours?"
She turns to face me.
"That seems about fair, you guys just abandoned me, not even a goodbye." She hisses at me. Ouch.
"We are sorry Bella. We did think we were doing the right thing, Edward said it was the right thing."
"Well it wasn't. Not for anyone." Wow, she sure is mad.
"Bella, I can't change the past, what happened, happened. There's no going back."
I wait for her response but she doesn't say anything. She rolls over properly, facing me.
"Where's everyone else?"
I sigh.
"Alice and Jasper are at home. She's very upset with you." He pauses.
"She can't see me future can she?"
"No." I can't lie to her. "Rose is out. Carlisle's working. Esme's gone for a break from the hospital, she's at home too."
"And Edward?" She asks quietly.
"We don't know."
She turns away from me and I can only guess she's crying again. I decide to change the topic of conversation.
"Bella are you going to eating again. You're scaring Alice something crazy." She doesn't respond. "Bella, you've got to eat. Humans eat. You'll die otherwise, even with Carlisle's help."
Bella POV
I'm so mad, I'm not going to die, I know what I'm doing, and besides, it's not like anybody cares. It's not like I care.
"I don't see what the difference is." I cry at him. They need to understand. I'm no worse than them. Neither of us eat food. Neither of us eats our natural food source. What am I doing so wrong? And why is it so wrong that I'm doing this and yet when they do it is a sign of strength, a sign of self control.
"What difference?" He asks, confused.
"The difference between me not eat and you not eating." Comprehension dawns in his eyes. "You don't eat food either."
"I don't need to eat food. You do."
"I don't. I'm fine."
"You died. Alice saw your funeral. If it wasn't for Carlisle you wouldn't be here."
"Too right I wouldn't, Charlie would have never figured it out on his own."
"You'd be dead."
We're quiet for a moment.
"And another thing, you don't drink human blood like you're supposed to and it's brilliant, wonderful, a test of stamina, yet when I refuse my natural food source, I get sectioned."
"We replace human blood with animals, you have nothing."
Esme POV
We need Edward. Edward will make her understand. She loves him. He loves her. They'll work it out. She'll get better. And if not...
At least Bella will have someone so spend eternity with.
"Edward, please, if you've got to come home now. I don't know if you've got any of our messages, but Bella sick. Really sick. You need to come say goodbye to her."
A/N: Inserting a nasogastric tube: Explain procedure and obtain consent, Examine nostrils for deformity or obstructions to determine best side for insertion, Measure tubing length, Lubricate 2-4 inches with lubricant (e.g. 2% Xylocaine). Pass tube via either nostril, past the pharynx, into the oesophagus and then the stomach. Instruct the patient to swallow and advance the tube as the patient swallows (sipping a glass of water helps).
It can be used as a once off, intermittently or constantly (using a pump).
"An imperfect body reflects an imperfect person."
A few days later.
Edward POV
"Edward, please, if you've got to come home now. I don't know if you've got any of our messages, but Bella sick. Really sick. You need to come say goodbye to her."
She might not make. Oh no, she can't die. She means everything to me. She is my life. She's all that I live for. What have I done? I should have stayed and protected her. I should have known that Bella would attract trouble with or without me around. I'm in Canada, it takes hours to get to Forks from her. I'll have to steal a car or something.
The thoughts from when I first found out circle my mind. I shouldn't have left her. I should never have left her.
I pull into the parking lot outside the hospital and quickly make my way inside. I recognise the receptionist who smiles at my sadly.
"They're on the second floor." She tells me sadly. I quickly make my way to the lifts.
Stepping inside I wait anxiously as it rises. As I exit the lift I quickly spot Carlisle standing in front of the nurse's station. I call out to him and he looks up and sees me. Immediately his thoughts are guarded.
"She's sick Edward, she won't eat. We had to give her a feeding tube. We took it out this morning hoping she would eat as Emmett's been talking to her all week but so far no luck. Emmett's with her now. If she hasn't by tonight we'll put it back in and leave it another week before we try again. It's important we get her weaned off the tube as soon as possible as it is unable for us to completely give her everything she needs through a tube "
"Where's Alice?" I growl. It's my fault, it's all my fault.
"She's inconsolable still. Jasper's been trying to calm her down. She can't see Bella's future. She hasn't fed because she's so busy looking. We don't want to risk her coming her."
Oh no. She really is going to die.
"She's in the room next to the nurse's station." He tells me. "Emmett's talking to her."
I stand outside the door. I can hear her arguing. He's trying to persuade her to eat something.
"Bella it's a sandwich, it won't kill you, not even if it wanted to." I almost laugh, I would if it wasn't so serious.
I knock and go in. Bella's lying there with Emmett in a chair.
"Emmett, if you don't remove the sandwich pretty quick I will shove it in your face!" She hisses at him.
"Chillax Bella, it's only food."
"You eat it then."
He laughs. They haven't even notice me.
"Yeah Bella...come on, just a bite. If you don't do it Carlisle will put the feeding tube back in."
"No."
She looks up at me and gasps.
"Edward?" She asks.
"Hey." I say. I go and sit on the edge of her bed, facing her.
"Please Bella, just a bite. I don't know if I could live without you."
"You left me." She hisses at me. Wow she's mad.
"I'm sorry, I thought it was best if I left so you could be happy."
"Well clearly I wasn't." Emmett laughs.
"Bella I love you."
"If you loved me you would have stayed. No matter what."
"I'm sorry."
"It's too late."
I sigh. What am I supposed to do, I can't change the past.
"What do you want me to do."
She turns and looks me straight in my eyes.
"Promise me you'll stay forever,"
"I'll do it. If you eat."
She weighs up the options in her head.
"One bite." She asks.
"Five."
"Two bites." She tries.
"Five.
"Two bites."
"Fine, two bites." She smiles, she thinks she's won. Little does she know I'd have been happy with one.
She lifts up the sandwich to her mouth looks at it, almost afraid. She puts it back down and starts peeling away the crust with her fingers. Then she rips the sandwich in half and then into increasingly small pieces until I put out my hand to stop her. She picks up a small piece and puts it in her mouth. She chews for a long time and I can tell she has difficulty swallowing. Finally she swallows it and I can see her wait as she tries to stop it coming back up. The same feeling I have when I eat human food. She takes another piece and eats it.
"Tell me you'll stay."
"Forever." I whisper back.