Day 4
"Doesn't liquor suppress your blood flow, making you colder?" Cas asked, looking at Dean as he chugged down a beer. Dean looked at him with a face that said Leave me the fuck alone about my drinking. But, instead of telling Cas that, he chose the kinder version.
"I don't care. I'd rather be drunk than have to sit here sober in the cold," he said. "Besides, how'd you know that?" Cas shrugged.
"I'm not sure. I think one of the doctors said something about it when I was in the hospital. They were warning me about the dangers of drinking I believe," said Cas. That simple sentence struck a chord in Dean. There it went again. Cas had taken a living hell into his body for Dean, been sent to the psycho ward for Dean, and kept in solitude—all for Dean.
"Oh," said Dean, not sure that he could manage to say much else. He looked at Cas and then at his beer.
"Does it bother you that I'm drinking it now?" he asked. Cas shook his head.
"No, I don't think so. I just don't want you to hurt yourself," he said. At that moment, Dean wanted to lay down and die. But he couldn't. He just couldn't do anything.
"Well, I'll be fine. I'm only having one or two." Cas nodded at that.
"What do you want to do today?" asked Dean.
"I just thought we'd sit here quietly again…" Cas said. Dean laughed.
"I can't believe that you're happy just doing that. I want to move around, do something. I can't keep my sanity if we're just sitting here for weeks and weeks," said Dean.
"Well, we could go into the blizzard and do something," Cas shrugged. At that Dean nodded.
"Right, I suppose we will just have to sit here… Well, we have a lot of time to talk. What did you do before you—before you saved me the first time?" Dean asked. It was only now that he realized he didn't know much about Cas's past. Cas thought for a moment.
"Well, I served God. I did about the same thing that I do now, protecting people and helping set the course of humanity on the right path," Cas said. Dean felt a pang of jealousy somewhere in his heart and didn't know why.
"You mean you've done this sort of thing with others? You are a 'protector' for more than just me and Sam?" he asked, feeling a bit agitated.
"Well, I didn't actually stay with anyone or help any hunters. You're the only one that I've shared a profound bond with," Cas sat matter-of-factly. Dean looked at Cas and began to feel a wall break down inside of him.
"What about Sam?" he asked, his voice becoming very dry.
"Well, Sam is very kind to me, but I just don't feel very connected to him." Dean began to shake all over. He clenched his knuckles and tried his best to remain calm. He knew it. In his heart he finally understood why he felt the way he did. But, he couldn't risk losing Cas as a friend…
"Well, I agree," Dean said, struggling to remain composed. Eventually he managed to at least look like he was okay.
"You're a great friend Cas," he said suddenly. It was all he could do not to spill his guts.
"I agree. I appreciate you're friendship."
Dean couldn't stand it. That word—friendship. It mocked him from all angles and took away his resolve. It stripped him of his courage and left him a bare shell. It tore apart his soul and made his heart bleed. Friendship.