Chapter 4 ; "Nightmares"
. . . . . About an hour has passed since my breakdown in the hospital hallway, and I've managed to make my way back up to my compartment. Finnick isn't around, which makes me thankful, and I start to believe that I'm probably the only active person in the district who isn't following the schedule right now. Despite the fact that I took a shower right before I went to visit Prim, I feel filthy enough to scrub myself down all over again. I lock myself in the bathroom, turning on the hot water again and stripping down to my skin. I spend a solid twenty minutes scrubbing every inch of my skin until it's raw, and then another ten to fifteen scrubbing my already clean hair with lavender shampoo. The mirror is totally steamed up by the time I'm out, but for some reason, I don't feel better.
My towel is wet and cold from my shower this morning, so I grab a new one from under the sink. It's silky and warm, so I wrap myself up like a roll of sushi in it. Not wanting to get dressed and go out to face the world again, I plop down on the lid of the toilet and inhale the steamy air around me, trying to push aside all my negative thoughts... but honestly, when it comes down to it, the only thoughts I have are negative.
A beeping noise catches my attention while I'm in the middle of feeling sorry for myself. I look towards the shower where the touch screen sits on the wall, and realize that it's flashing with red words, a silhouette of a Mockingjay above it. My breath catches in my throat, as I stand and move closer to it.
'Katniss Everdeen, report to headquarters.' Great.
. . . . . Within minutes, I'm fully dressed in my gray jumpsuit again. I leave my hair out as it is, and my skin looks blotchy with red spots from scrubbing it so hard, but I dismiss my awkward appearance and pull on my boots. I lock up my compartment, and when I turn to the elevator, I run right into Finnick. He's in his jumpsuit now, and his rolled up sleeve reveals the printed schedule on his arm.
"Where are you going in such a hurry?" I push him aside. I'm not ready to deal with another Finnick moment right now.
"I have to go downstairs, I was called to headquarters." I start towards the elevator, but he interrupts my trail.
"How's your sister?" He asks genuinely. I stop and turn to him; his eyes are gentle, and I can tell he sees how broken I probably look.
"She's fine." I say back, my voice quiet.
"Good." He softly as I turn to leave, but I find him grabbing my arm with a gentle grip to stop me again. "How are you?"
"I'm..." I hesitate, almost wanting to tell the truth... but then I remember who I'm talking to. "I'm fine too. I'll talk to you later."
. . . . . My ears pop again like they had this morning as the elevator shoots down further into the ground, and soon it comes to an abrupt stop at my floor. I step out, and feel intimidated by the guards standing their posts on either side of the door. I expect them to question me, but instead, when they see me, they smile and open the doors up for my entry. I'm suddenly overtaken in awe with the sight of the room. A long dark red mahogany table stretched at least twenty chairs down the long hall that's shaped like a dome. The ceiling is made of screens, each one broadcasting a different event that has taken place so far in the uprising, along with speeches from the President, and clips from the 74th and 75th games. It's strange, because I can count at least twelve screens that show my face. It's really beginning to set in now, how important I've been through this whole thing, and it makes me feel uncomfortable.
A sudden applause rings in my ears, and I snap back into reality when I look around me to see the people of District 13. Half of them are dressed in business like apparel, and I realize that I probably shouldn't have worn the jumpsuit to this particular event; it isn't a meeting about the rebellion, its a party for the homecoming of me. Then I see his face since the first time I woke up in the hovercraft... "Katniss!" Plutarch Heavensbe exclaims, moving forward and giving my hand a good shake. "It's good to see you again." It takes every ounce of self control not to claw his eyes out, because for some reason, I feel the same hatred as I did in the hovercraft.
"There she is, the Girl On Fire!" One woman explains.
"Our Mockingjay!" A man cries, as if he was praising me.
"Hey there, sweetheart." This voice is sickly familiar, and I turn to see Haymitch just inches behind me with a beverage in his hand. "It's nice to see you when you aren't ready to kill anyone." That's what he thinks.
I force myself to smile and be happy to see all these people, but in reality I really just want to go back to my compartment and take another shower.
. . . . . By the time the party is over, I've eaten more than my ration's share of food, and talked to every person who has some kind of importance in the rebellion. The only one I haven't met, who I'm supposed to meet later on in the week, is President Alma Coin... I mean, she's not really the President yet, but she will be once we take over the Capitol. Apparently, she's the best woman for the job.
I make my way back up to my compartment by the escort of Gale, since based on the clocks, it's late at night. We whisper back and fourth about the people we met. "You hate him, don't you?" He asks, and I knew he was referring to Plutarch. I decided to play dumb.
"Who?"
"Plutarch." I was almost hoping he wouldn't give me a straight answer, so that I could avoid the question all together.
"He's..." I murmur, trying to hold my tongue. "smart."
"Smart?"
"I mean, he got away with this by pretending to be a trustworthy Gamemaker, right?"
"Yeah, exactly." Gale replies, but I can tell he knows that I'm just making all of this up to hold myself back from being rude. "He's a really awesome guy when you get to know him Katniss, don't worry. He and President Coin are going to be incredible leaders for us."
"They act like I'm leading this whole thing, but they call themselves the leaders. It's so confusing."
"You're the symbol. Leading for real is too dangerous for someone who brings hope to an entire nation. They've set it up in order to protect you."
"I don't need to be protected." I come back, rolling my eyes at the thought. "I'm not the little girl who went into the games, I can fend for myself."
"I know you can, but it never hurts to get a little help." The elevator opens up now, and I take a deep breath of relief. I don't like the topic, so I'm glad to part ways with him for the night. "I'll see you tomorrow," he says quietly as I exit the elevator. It closes up again around him, before it brings him back down towards his compartment floor.
. . . . . I knock on the door, knowing that Finnick is probably still home. I can hear the shower running after a moment of listening, so I take out my key and let myself in, figuring he wouldn't have heard my knock. The first thing I notice is that the bathroom door is open, and I'm thankful that the open door blocks the view of the shower, because his clothes are all over the floor. "Ew, Finnick." I murmur quietly, closing the door up a bit more so that I don't have any chance of seeing that version of him after he gets out. He probably knew I would be back, which bugs me all the more, since he most likely left it open on purpose. He's flirty on way too many levels for me.
I quickly change out of my jumpsuit into blue pajama pants and a black tank top that are sitting in my drawer. I turn my bunk light off, leaving Finnick's top bunk light on as I crawl under the covers. I have no interest in talking to him, so I don't make an effort to stay awake as I let the soft sound of the shower on the other side of the wall lull me to sleep.
. . . . . I wake up with a scream, bolting upright in bed at the image of my arrow piercing Marvel's heart. I almost hit my head on the top bunk, but luckily there's just enough room that I missed it. Finnick must have been in bed too, because his bunk light is off. I swallow hard, hearing Finnick's movement above me as he wakes up. I see his silhouette hopping down from his bunk moments later, and he crouches by my bed. "Nightmares?" He asks, and I nod even though he probably cant see me in the pitch black room. "Do you want me to stay?" He asks, and I push away the question immediately after.
"No, I'm fine." I reply, and after a moment of waiting incase I would change my mind, he goes back onto his own bunk. Of course I don't want him to stay with me. I want Peeta to be here, not him.
. . . . . I'm breathless the second time I awake from my sleep, gasping for air and coughing like I had been drowning in my own nightmare. I had been attacked by the monkey mutts in the clock arena, and one pulled me so deep under the water that I couldn't breath. I'm drenched in hot sweat, and I clutch onto the blankets at my sides, awaiting the movement of Finnick above me. He comes down from his bunk again like I knew he would, as if he didn't already know exactly how the conversation was going to go. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, sorry I woke you."
"Do you want me to stay?"
"No."
. . . . . I'm shocked when I wake up screaming for the third time, and I can't even begin to fathom how I was even able to get that many nightmares in one night. This time, it had been about Peeta. I had been imagining that I had been forced to watch him being tortured by the Capitol on live television. I swallow back my tears, and my body is shaking recklessly with fear. As I had twice before, I look up towards the bunk above me, awaiting Finnick's movements. I can hear him toss and turn, but he doesn't come down... and for a moment, I almost wish he would. I'm too afraid to sleep again. Through tears and sweat, I quietly whisper, "Finnick?"
I hear him move again, but he still doesn't come down. "Yeah?" He asks in a soft and tired voice, letting out a moan as he stretches out. I'm too afraid to ask, so I climb out from my blankets and grope my way to the ladder. Climbing onto his bed, I manage to wriggle my way next to him. I lay with my back to his chest, and I feel him bury his face into my hair as he pulls the covers up over us. His warm breath on my neck brings me comfort, and I suddenly feel his protective arms embrace me. Through my shakiness, I feel safe wrapped up with him. Despite our love-hate relationship, in an odd way, I'm brought a strange kind of peace...
There are no more nightmares tonight.