Chapter 4
19th April 2016
Since our date I haven't got one text or call for Jason, my mind keeps taking me to the worst places. What if he realised that I wasn't worth the secrecy or trouble? What if I am not good enough?
I shake those thoughts out of my head and roll over to my side of my bed and stare out of my window. I grab my phone and check to see if I had any messages and what a surprise I don't, I get up and start my usual routine. I look at my face, and realise that I'm not pretty I'm nothing special.
Your ugly, Jason probably made a great decision getting away from you.
There's that voice again. I haven't heard it since I was 15 and had a blackout after, still telling me I wasn't good enough or wasn't worthy of being loved.
I blink my tears away and carry on with my light makeup, after I'm finished I go down stairs for something to eat.
I grab an apple and quickly greet my mom and dad.
"Hey guys I'm Going to meet Cleo and Daisy for breakfast, see you later" I kiss my dads cheek and my moms temple and run out of the door.
I lied. I'm not going to breakfast but I just can't eat.
Before first period i go to the Toilets. I close the door behind me and do my business and I hear the door open
"Oh my god did you see what she looks like today?" A girl laughs loudly
"Yes! Oh god she looks like she has been dragged through a bush" another girl agrees
"I always thought Phoebe was the perfect child, but when my older sister dated Theodore, he told her that she had to take pills to fix this voice in her head, as soon as I heard that I lost all respect for her" she laughs
"No! Is that true? Is she crazy or something? Who hear voices in their head?" Girl number 2 starts shouting
"Becca said it got so bad that Phoebe trashed her room, like destroyed it, she ripped her wallpaper off with her fingers and because of that there was blood all over the place. She's crazy, but she hides it well" Girl Number 1 shares a time in my life that I hardly remember. I blacked out when I did that. It has an element of truth but I don't think there was blood, i look at my finger tips as if they would tell me but no such luck.
"Listen you can't tell anyone about this ok Leah? If this rumour goes around and she finds out who said it, she will go ape shit" girl number 1 says
"Yeah whatever, I don't not care about Phoebe Grey at all, she could die and I wouldn't shed a tear" I feel physically sick after hearing that.
They walk out and I'm just sat on the toilet lid thinking about what to do now. I slowly stand up and avoid looking in the mirror, I walk out and head to Economics.
As soon as I walk through the door I am greeted by 2 girls
"Hey Phoebe!" I turn around and realise that Leah and Sophie were the ones who were talking about me
"Hey girls" i say with a smile
What the fuck?
I carry on walking over to my friends
"Hey what's wrong?" Eli asks immediately
"Nothing!" I saw with a bright smile. A fake bright smile
Cleo turns around
"Hey did you hear about Jacksons party next Friday?" She asks
"Yeah I'm going what about you Phoebe?" Eli asks
"Yeah I'm probably going to go if you're all going" i shrug my shoulders
"Great!" She turns back around and we carry on with our work
When the bell rings for lunch I look at my phone and notice I have a text. Not just any random text it's off JASON!
It says
'I'm so sorry that I haven't been able to call or text you, i am in the middle of a huge merger. I wanted to know if at 5:00 you wanted to meet for coffee? X J'
I smile and type back
'Of course see you there x P'
I feel another buzz
'I can't wait to kiss those lips again... x J'
I shake my head smiling and put my phone in my pocket.
I pray that these next couple of lessons don't drag on
My lessons are pretty boring, Maths which we got given out tests back and I got 98% while in My art examination I got an A, I'm mainly proud of my art. I drew my mom and my dads wedding picture, where my dad has his hands on either side of my moms face and they are kissing.
Honestly, I wish I have a relationship like them when I'm older.
I am sat in the coffee shop at 5:00, I have my hands wrapped around my cup of tea, I blow on it softly and close my eyes and sip my tea. I open my eyes and smile when I look up and see that Jason is stood in front of my table
He sits next to me in the booth and just kisses me
"You really should say hello before you kiss me. I'm starting to think you only want me for my lips" I joke
"Hello baby," he says with a smirk "how's school?"
"School is great, I got An A on this artwork and I know I'm biased but it's so good" I announce
"Baby that's great," he says playing with my hair
"How's work? How is this merger going?" I ask
He goes on for a few minutes about the merger and work and his eyes light up as if he's glad i asked, he is still twirling my hair in his fingers. I look at his eyes and then his lips and back to his eyes.
"I'm sorry I'm boring you." He blushes
"No your not, it's nice to see you talk about something your so passionate about" I move my face closer and peck his lips then I grab his face and kiss everywhere: his cheeks, nose, chin and eyelids. I pull back and he just looks at me amazed.
"What are you doing tomorrow night?"
"Anything with you" I whisper
"Good come to my apartment and we will have a lazy night, movies-"
"PIZZA!" I shout
He flinches and starts laughing
"Yes baby pizza" he kisses my neck.
It's in this moment that I know that I have and never will be this happy again.
I walk through my house with a huge smile on my face, my mom stops me in the kitchen as i grab a glass of water.
"why are you smiling so much Bebe?" My mom questions. My smile drops
"Mom can I ask you something?"
"Of course Bebe is something wrong?"
"No, well yes, kinda, do you remember when I had that blackout?" I avoid her eyes
"Yes, why are those voices back?" She looks worried
"No but I just had a thought, you know when I trashed my room and I smashed my TV and tore my wallpaper of the wall, well did I hurt myself? Was there blood on the walls? I'm so confused mom I hardly remember anything" I'm sobbing
"Oh honey, look at me," she strokes my hair out of my face "when the incident happened, we didn't know what happened to you. You came home and your whole personality was different, you didn't say hello you just walked right passed us. Teddy said your name so many times and you turned around looked at him and walked back upstairs. You were in your room for hours before we heard you screaming and so much crashing and things smashing, your father tried to stop you when you were tearing your wallpaper down, your hands were bleeding and so where your knees. You had punched the window then your TV," She has tears going down her face
"When your father tried to stop you, he didn't touch you, he tried speaking to you but when he saw you punch the window. He grabbed your arms and you kept kicking him, somehow you got one arm free and started to hit his chest and body but he kept hold of you. Eventually Taylor and Sawyer came while your father and Taylor had you pinned down Sawyer injected you with a tranquilliser. We put you in one of the spare bedrooms and you were fine. When you woke up you had no idea what happened, you were so confused and you don't understand why your hands had blood on them and we told you that you had a blackout and trashed your room. We thought you'd remember eventually, we just tried not to mention it. Then we took you to Flynn you had therapy and got medication; those voices stopped, and a couple of months later you were back to your normal self" she's still crying and hugging me
"Are those voices back? Please tell me!"She begs
"No mom! I just wanted to know! The incident was years ago! I'm fine now I promise!" I kiss her cheek
"I'm going tot go to bed now, I love you Mom"
I get in my bed and think about the blackout and try to see if I can remember any of it. But I can't remember? Why can't I remember?
My phone buzzes
'Good night baby, dream of me X J'
My reply is almost immediate
'Oh I will trust me X P'
I close my eyes and fall asleep within minutes