Peter Quinzel was sitting on the couch in his parent's living room. He and his wife Alice and his two year old son Ben had come home for Christmas just a few hours ago, and he couldn't wait for this to be over. Christmas with his parents was always awkward, and the fact that nowadays he didn't even have Harley there to make things easier didn't help much. He vaguely wondered where Harley was, if she was spending Christmas with the clown or in the asylum. He hoped that wherever she was she was happy.
Next to him sat Alice. She was a detective who had the body of a supermodel; how he had gotten so lucky was beyond him. Ben sat at his feet playing with his toys as his grandmother sat peacefully knitting in her rocking chair and his father Don flipped through channels on the TV, finally settling on a re-run of some football game.
"Peter dear, would you mind taking out the trash for me?" called his mother from the kitchen.
"Sure mom," said Peter as he got off the couch.
He walked into the kitchen and Marie handed him the trash. He opened the door and was met with a blast of freezing air. He tried to ignore it as he walked outside and trudged down to the gate and went outside to find the trash can. As he threw the garbage away, he saw a taxi pull up. He wondered who it could be, and as he looked closer he realized it was Harley. He couldn't believe it was her and he couldn't wait to talk to her, until he saw someone else climb out, too. He couldn't believe his eyes, it was the Joker. He didn't know what to do, should he go and greet them or stay put and hope they wouldn't notice him? In the end it didn't matter.
"Peter!" Harley squealed as she ran towards him. She threw her arms around his neck as the Joker followed her over to him. "I'm so happy to see you!"
"I can see that," said Peter as he nervously hugged her back. "Wow, I didn't think you'd come this year."
"I didn't think so either, but here we are! Mistah J, this is my brother Peter. Peter, this Mistah J," Harley introduced.
Peter hesitantly extended his hand and said, "Pleasure to meet you, J-Joker."
The Joker kept his hands in his pockets and said as Peter withdrew his awkwardly, "Oh, I assure you, the pleasure's all mine."
"It's freezing out here, we'd better get inside Mistah J. You comin' Peter?" said Harley as she wrapped her arms around herself to try to keep warm.
"I-I'll be right there in a minute," Peter assured her.
Once the Joker and Harley were inside, Peter went back over to the trash can and vomited inside it. He had never in his life felt as afraid as he did then.
"Talk about the nightmare before Christmas," said Peter as he trudged back inside.
xxxx
When they heard the door open, everyone in the house assumed it was Peter, so they were even more surprised than they would have been anyway when the Joker suddenly burst inside.
"Merry Christmas Quinzel family, and God bless you!" proclaimed the Joker as he opened the door.
Nearly everyone stood and turned to look at him in shock. Harley followed him inside and behind her was Peter, his face as white as a sheet.
"Hi everyone!" said Harley, oblivious to the tension in the room. She skipped over to Don and Marie and hugged them both.
"Harleen," her father said quietly. "You brought your psychotic boyfriend here?"
"She sure did!" said Joker, grinning from ear to ear.
The tension suddenly seemed to explode and Don and Marie started screaming at Harley for bringing the Joker into their house and to get him out. Harley shouted back at them, trying to make them see reason and let him stay. Alice was also shouting, demanding for someone to explain to her what was going on, while Peter tried to pull her back, away from the Joker. At the sound of everyone yelling Ben started screaming too, as if trying to be heard over all the noise. Nana didn't react at all, and just continued knitting as though nothing strange was going on, humming happily to herself. The Joker stood in the middle of all the chaos, trying not to laugh but unable to help himself. After several minutes of this Harley grew sick of it and screamed louder than she ever had before, causing everyone to cover their ears and stop shouting for a moment.
"Now listen up everybody," said Harley, her voice a bit raspy from having screamed so loudly. "Me and Mistah J came a long way to see you guys, and we're not leaving until after Christmas. We're only doin' this once, and I promise that after Christmas day we'll never bother you again, isn't that right Puddin'?"
"Of course, Harl," said Joker sweetly. "You see, we just wanted to spend Christmas with the family, the entire family. Christmas is a time for family after all, and it would be such a shame if anyone couldn't stay and enjoy it with us."
The message wouldn't have been any clearer if he had threatened to disembowel anyone who tried to leave. It was clear by the words he had spoken and the way he had spoken them that there would be serious consequences for anyone who tried to escape.
"Harleen, are you trying to put me and your mother in the nuthouse?" asked Don furiously.
"If she succeeds, you can bunk with me," said Joker.
"Shut up clown," growled Don, momentarily forgetting who he was talking to. The Joker smiled wickedly but stayed quiet.
"Harleen, he can't stay here," said Marie through gritted teeth.
"I like him," piped up Nana suddenly. "I think we should let him stay."
"Well it's settled then!" declared Joker as Don opened his mouth to protest again.
"Will someone please explain to me what's going on?" asked Alice as she picked up her son and held him tightly.
"Alice, this is my sister Harley. Harley, this is my wife Alice," said Peter nervously.
"Wife? You mean she's my sister-in-law? Why didn't you tell me? I've always wanted a sister!" squealed Harley as she hugged the woman, who looked very confused. "And the baby is your son, right? That means I'm an aunt, too! This is the best Christmas ever! Well, maybe not the best," said Harley as she winked at the Joker. Her first Christmas with him was definitely her favorite.
"Alice huh?" said Joker as he gazed at her. "I have a friend down at the asylum who would love to meet you, but then again, you are a bit old for his taste."
There was a moment of awkward silence, until Joker spoke again. "I hate to break up the party, but Harley and I have been traveling all day and we're exhausted. Where do we sleep?"
Marie had been about to suggest the old doghouse outside but Harley spoke up first and said, "We can stay in my room, Puddin'! I can't wait for you to see it." She picked up their suitcase and grabbed his hand and began dragging him away.
"I bid thee goodnight, Quinzel family!" said Joker as he and Harley began to climb the stairs to her room. "May visions of suger-plums dance in your head as you sleep tonight."
Once they had disappeared down the hall, Don, Marie, Alice and Peter gathered together to discuss what they were going to do about their current predicament.
"Please tell me that was not the Joker," began Alice.
"I'm afraid it was. He and my sister are kind of an item," admitted Peter.
"And why was I not told about this? You told me she was-"
"I was hoping I'd never have to tell you what really happened to Harley, it's not exactly something our family is proud of," said Peter sadly.
"I say I go get my shotgun from downstairs and run him out," said Don. "And if he refuses I'll shoot him. I think given the circumstances the police would understand."
"No Don, we're not murderers, and we're not going to become murderers for his sake. None of us are going to kill the Joker, even if we'd like to," said Marie.
"Then what are we going to do about him? He'll ruin Christmas and likely kill us all if we don't do something about him. When we invited Harleen to come home he wasn't part of the plan," said Don, fighting to keep his voice low.
"We'll go ahead with the plan anyway, we can't give up now just because he's here," replied Marie.
"What plan? Did I miss something?" asked Peter.
"It's none of your business son," said Marie absently. "We'll let him stay since we have no choice, but we won't let him screw everything up. Someone needs to stay with him at all times to make sure he doesn't rig the house to explode or break anything. And if at all possible, try to keep him away from Harley. The Joker may think he's in control here, but he'll find out soon enough that he's not as powerful as he thinks he is."
"God help us all," said Peter, no doubt in his mind that they would all end up dead sooner or later by the Joker's hand.
xxxx
Harley led him down a long hallway to the second-to-last room on the left. Inside there wasn't much, just a bed, a closet, a bed-side drawer with a lampshade and a toy-box in the corner. The walls were painted a bright pink and the carpet was also pink.
"What do ya think?" asked Harley as she set down the suitcase.
"Who paints their room this color? It feels like my eyes are bleeding," replied Joker, disgusted. "It looks like someone vomited Pepto-Bismol everywhere."
"I see what you mean, but when I was a kid pink was my favorite color. But not anymore, I like green better."
"Your bed is so tiny," said Joker as he sat down on the pink blanket. "There's only room for one."
"Sorry Mistah J, back then I didn't need a bigger bed. But don't worry, you can have it. I'll sleep on the floor."
"That's my girl," said Joker as he patted her head.
After Joker had stripped down to just his purple polka-dotted boxers and Harley had changed into her night-gown, Joker laid down in the bed while Harley laid down on the blanket she had put down for herself.
"I think your family likes me," said Joker as he looked down at her from underneath the covers.
"What's not to like?" said Harley as she reached up and stroked his green hair affectionately.
"Your grandmother especially seems to like me, you'd better watch out Harley, I think you've got some competition."
"You like older women Mistah J?" giggled Harley.
"It doesn't matter how old they are, as long they're fun," chuckled Joker.
"I'm fun, aren't I Puddin'?" asked Harley, needing to be reassured.
"Harley-girl, you're the second most fun person on the planet."