Ch 4- Let Go
November 1963
After dinner, Jude and Timothy took all the cushions off the couch and lye them in front of the hearth. Sometimes, they liked to spend their evening there, talking, cuddling and watching the fire. Jude was tired and that was exactly how she wanted to spend the night, laying on the comfortable cushions, Timothy's arms around her as they fell asleep together, he'd hold her tightly and kiss her on the forehead, she'd kiss him sweetly as they fell asleep…the radio playing softly in the background.
But once they laid down she quickly came to understand that Timothy was not in a sweet mood. Instead, he was in an almost obviously aggressive one. When they lye down he'd engaged her lips with a rough kiss, wrapping his arms tightly around her and pulling her close, soon climbing on top of her. He kissed down to her neck as she felt him grab her sides and her breasts, eventually sticking his hands under her shirt and running them up her ribs, the goosebumps on her skin seeming to pop up one my one as his hands slid over her, tracing her curves in a gentle but tantalizingly soft motion as if he were brushing fine silk.
"No Timothy, I don't feel like it, not tonight." She moaned, lifting her chin as his lips traced the line of her neck.
"Oh yes you do." He said, his mouth returning to her neck as he spoke.
"Timothy I…"
"Shu Jude, yes you do my love." He insisted.
She could feel his hands make their way up her back and begin to unhook her bra. This was the part she hated about her relationship. When it came to sex her no's simply met yes and it was always that way. But she put up with it because she loved Timothy, and truthfully, she didn't think about it all that much. After all, this was probably the healthiest relationship she'd had with a man in her whole life. He was sweet to her at least verbally, and so she questioned nothing.
"Tim, I…" He leaned in to kiss her again as she spoke, stopping her protests. When Jude opened her eyes again, she was naked and so was he. "Timothy not tonight, I…"
"Jude you're so beautiful, did you know that?" He asked, moving back in on her neck for a moment. "I'm so blessed to have you as my love."
"Ahh!" She squeaked in pain. With one swift move, he was inside of her.
Jude moaned a little; the fact that he'd just shoved himself inside without giving her time had hurt but Timothy didn't notice. He quickly went to work pounding Jude almost mercilessly. It took several minutes for the pain to subside. When it was over he grabbed the faux fur blanket she'd brought onto the pillows and covered them both with it, kissing Jude's cheek sweetly.
"I love you sweetheart." He said, taking her hand in his own, squeezing it tight.
"I love ya too Timothy."
….
October 1969
Jude stared off into space, her hair blowing in the wind. She was lost in her thoughts and jumped when very suddenly a child's excited scream pulled her back to the present. She blinked a couple of times, her eyes refocusing on Olivia who played on the monkey bars with a friend from school.
"Hi Mommy!" She called.
"Hi sweetheart!" Jude smiled.
It was Saturday and she'd taken Olivia to the park to play. Fall was progressing and it was getting colder outside. Jude didn't know what had gotten her thinking about Timothy yet again. Perhaps it was just watching Olivia. She looked like her Father today, more so than usual. Jude shivered, hugging herself tightly. She missed the feel of his arms, of him holding her; she had loved being snug in his embrace, even when she wasn't in the mood for it. And right now she desired him more than anything. She tried to resist, but found she could not. Even now.
Today, Jude had begun to realize that there'd been a lot of coercion in their relationship, especially when it came to sex. Lately, she'd been seeing things more clearly and she'd never realized, how demanding or forceful he could be when it came to making love, or more specifically, to pleasing him. Distance had given Jude a lot of perspective and she thought that she'd never seen his actions for what they were before now.
She'd thought Timothy was her love, and now she realized that he'd had no respect for her in many ways and that made her feel sick. Now, she recalled that if he wanted to have sex, she had no way out, he would force her: whenever and wherever he pleased. Jude was troubled by this discovery and was beginning to wonder if his actions could be considered abuse. The idea hurt her a lot, the betrayal already stung; but this was like throwing salt on the wounds.
Jude paused, looking up at her little girl again as she played. She had so much of Timothy in her, she even laughed like him if that were possible. Olivia asked about him so much, it was killing her. Jude wondered now, if they'd make it without him and moreover, if she'd ever escape him.
…..
July 1965- Boston
"Isn't it nice ta be out with Mommy Livie?" Jude asked sweetly.
Jude had the day off from work and had taken Olivia shopping with her. The eleven-month-old was exhausted and lye half awake, her head against her Mother's chest. Jude smiled, leaning down and kissing the baby, allowing her fingers to roam through the little girl's wispy, soft brown baby hair.
People gave her odd and sweet looks as they observed her carry Olivia around strapped to her chest. Baby carriers like this were of a more modern invention and weren't so popular 1965. The one Jude had was an almost bohemian kind of thing that Mary Eunice had fashioned out of an old floral dress and some other stronger pieces of fabric as a baby gift for Jude while she was pregnant. Jude could have afforded a stroller, but opted to use Mary's strange but creative gift instead. It was adorable and much more intimate. And besides that, it was easier to use. Jude was surprised though, that the thing could hold her almost one-year-old baby's weight.
"Oh come on, we're havin' a fun day, just you and Mommy, yar not really gonna fall asleep are ya Livie?" Jude teased.
Olivia fussed and put her face down on her Mother's chest. Jude smiled, kissing her head again, laying her cheek against the baby's head. Jude decided to let Olivia sleep, and caught a woman, who was sitting a few feet away, gazing at her as she looked up from her baby.
"Hi there." Jude began.
"Hello." The woman on the seat greeted, she was younger than Jude, brunette and very pregnant. "H-how is it?"
"What this?" Jude smiled, indicating her now sleeping baby.
"Yeah." The woman swallowed nervously, shifting in her seat a little.
"What's yar name?"
"L-Lana." She answered. Jude could sense that the younger woman seemed very uncomfortable and somewhat sad.
"It's really wonderful, Lana." She reassured, smiling. "Is it yar first?"
"Oh-uh…yes." She sniffled. "Do you just have the one?"
Jude paused, not really knowing what to say at first.
"I have a much older girl too." Jude decided to say. She really did feel this way about Mary Eunice and had for a long time. "Well I bet yar excited and yar husband…"
"This baby doesn't have a Father." Lana said quickly.
"Neither does this one." Jude replied, realizing that she caught the other woman by surprise.
"Oh." She batted her eyelashes.
"Ya can do it without a Daddy, I promise." Jude smiled. The bus stopped and she looked up, realizing that they'd arrived at her next stop. "Good luck." She told her. "And remember, Father or not, the baby is the reward."
….
October 1969
Jude found it odd she'd dreamt about the woman she'd met on the bus so many years prior. She'd felt an odd connection to the pregnant brunette, like if life had played out differently, they would've crossed paths in some larger way. Jude had had the distinct impression that the younger woman had not been planning on keeping her child, which is why she'd told her the baby was the reward…and she was….Jude reconsidered what she'd said to the woman and sighed.
'Ya can do it without a Daddy, I promise.'
Could she do this without a Daddy? Forever? Her Mother had, but Jude had to wonder how successful that had endeavor had been. She'd grown up to look for love from men in all the wrong places, and to this day, she knew her life would've been different if her Father had been there. She was scared now, that Olivia would suffer the same fate she had, and that her own Mother had…that it would be a never-ending cycle her little girl was doomed to repeat.
Jude, you see, was reeling from the realization, several days earlier, that Timothy had been sexually abusive to her. It was a trauma that she couldn't rap her head around. Timothy had loved her!...But Jude was coming to understand just how much he'd used her. She recalled Olivia's conception as she watched her at the park, she'd never realized before that Timothy had forced himself on her that night.
Jude longed for someone to talk to about it and she didn't think she could consult anyone. She had a few friends at work who wouldn't understand, there was Andrew, her friend from the bus. It would be inappropriate to bring the subject to him. Mary Eunice was the last person on earth she could talk to about sexual abuse and especially rape…had that been what it was? Rape. Tears poured from Jude's eyes and she tried not to think of it in those terms. Timothy wasn't a stranger; he had been a partner….his actions that night didn't count as rape….did they? Jude wiped the tears from her eyes. For a brief moment she wondered if she could talk to Father O'Donnell about this, she had confessed to him the rest of what had happened between her and Timothy, why not this?
"Na, na, ya can't Jude. Just…keep it inside."
…
May 1964
Jude almost shook as she walked through the church on her own. She was afraid to do this; but her heart was heavy and she needed reassurance. She sniffled, hoping that no one could see her crying under her black veil. She wore a black dress that wasn't too snug but complimented her figure nicely, dropping down to knee level and tastefully emphasizing her baby bump.
"Bless me, Father, far I have sinned." Jude said, crossing herself as she sat down in the confessional, her heart racing somewhat. "It's been about a year since I went ta confession last." Jude hung her head, letting a ringlet of blonde hair fall down onto her face.
"What burdens you my child?"
Jude paused, looking down, her hand rested upon her stomach, she could feel the baby bouncing around inside of her and felt so out of place there in the church because of it. It made her sin very real. It was living, in the flesh.
"I'm…I left the church." She began.
"You were a Sister?" The Priest inquired, seeming somehow more interested now.
"Yes Father."
"I see." He didn't really.
"I left because I'm with child." Jude swallowed. "By another member of my order, who I was in a committed relationship with far four years."
"Four years is a long time."
This was not what she'd expected to hear from him and was surprised. He seemed to understand that this relationship with this Priest must have been much, much more than a passing fling.
"Yes it is. We were breaking our vows far a long time and I'm truly sorry…"
"God will forgive. I feel that the fact he's blessed you with a child is a clear sign of that."
Jude blushed and put her head down, happy he saw that. She thought her impending child was a huge blessing and didn't care that Timothy didn't share that idea. It was nice to hear someone acknowledge it.
"Now what about this Father, why isn't he here with you, asking for forgiveness?" Jude put her head down again and the Priest could hear her sniffle.
"He left me the night I told him about the baby. He was being promoted in the church, and that mattered more ta him than me or his child." The wounds were still fresh and it was painful for Jude to repeat it, she pressed her hand further into her abdomen, feeling the baby continue to quicken as her tears flowed.
"Oh I see…you do know." He said. "That he will have to live with that." Jude wanted to laugh, live with that, ha!... Timothy had no remorse. "And in the fullness of time. He will pay, he will suffer, Sister."
"I can't believe yar not disgusted with me." She almost laughed, pausing for a moment. "I was afraid to come here."
"That's not my job Sister, we're all human. Who am I to judge you, especially when your heart's already in the right place? That is God's job." Jude smiled, taking a deep breath when he said this.
This Priest actually respected Jude for what she'd done; leaving the church and her life, probably with nothing, for the sake of this child. What concerned him, was her former significant other, and the fact that such a selfish man was rising in the church, unchecked. He had Jude say a customary prayer, then he said one over her, surprising her when he added a blessing for her unborn child. In some way, Jude didn't think a priest would want to bless a bastard baby conceived by a Nun and a Priest.
"You know." He stopped her when she was about to leave. "Please, when the child is born, bring him back and I will baptize him."
"A-are ya…."
"Yes. The child and the Mother don't deserve shame because of the actions of the Father. I will baptize him."
It was on that day that Jude and Father O'Donnell became friends, and she and Mary Eunice began attending mass again. Over the next few years, only Father O'Donnell would share in their secret, that Cardinal Timothy Howard was Olivia's Father.
…
October 1965
Jude considered it, and made her way to the church at her lunch break. Half way there, and half way through her turkey sandwich, she realized she was wrong to turn to her priest on the subject, even if he did know the background of the situation, it was just too inappropriate. She would, as she originally told herself, keep it bottle up inside, at least for the foreseeable future.
Jude left work early and picked Olivia up at school, meeting her and Mary Eunice on their way home.
"I'm so happy ta see my girls!" She'd squealed, talking Olivia's hand and kissing Mary's cheek.
It did her soul good to see them so happy after all they'd been through. It started snowing when they got home, and Olivia hoped for a snow day, where she wouldn't have to go to school on Monday. She'd yet to have one, but couldn't wait to have her first. Jude decided it would be grilled cheese and tomato soup night. Olivia went to play, and Mary Eunice followed Jude into the kitchen to help her make dinner. She stopped, looking out the kitchen window at the falling snow as Jude put her apron on.
"Are ya alright?" She asked.
"It's uh…it's getting ta be that time of year again, isn't it?" Mary bit her lip nervously. Snow always signified to her that the anniversary was fast approaching.
"Oh my baby." Jude hugged her. "Yar okay, yar a strong, confident, wonderful woman. It's okay ta be free, it doesn't have ta shackle ya farever. Sometimes, no matter how much it hurts, or how scary it is it comes time ta let it go. Not because ya really ever farget, or because it wasn't horrific, but because ya have ta live. Ya have ta move on."
Mary smiled brightly, despite the tears that began running down her cheeks.
"Okay." She nodded, biting her lip. "But can you please promise me something?"
"What's that?"
"That you'll let go of your shackles too." Mary kissed Jude's cheek and left her standing alone in the kitchen.
Jude stared back at the swinging door Mary had walked through and took a deep breath.
"I can do it without the Daddy." She whispered. "I just have ta let go."
….
Jude smiled, holding out her arms for Olivia as she rushed to her. Several days had passed since Jude's realization and Mother and daughter had gone to the park again.
"Hello my child." She whispered, kissing her little girl's head. "Are ya ready to go home?"
"Yes Mommy it's cold!"
"Yes baby I know."
"Mommy." She said as she and her Mother began to walk down the street.
"Yes honey."
"Mommy I'm sorry."
"Far what my love?"
"Far askin' ya about my Daddy."
"Oh sweetheart that's alright." Jude smiled. "Ya can ask me about him anytime ya want. But I promise we'll be just fine without him."