Episode 4: Confessions
Grif didn't know what to do about his discovery, so he didn't do anything. He just tried to keep things the way they already were. Simmons wanted to talk about feelings now, so he let him. He made sure they still had normal conversations too; they talked about how hot it was, how boring it was, how much of an asshole Washington was, how they were definitely not getting mixed up in Blue team business next time something happened.
A whole week went by without some kind of disaster happening. Grif felt pretty proud of himself. He was doing a good job of buying himself time to think. Because he didn't know what to think. The simulation of him in the hologram projector room had to mean that Simmons had figured out his feelings. But Simmons hadn't said anything about it. So maybe he didn't want Grif's weird, awkward feelings all over him. That made sense.
They got settled in their spot at the beginning of another meaningless day of guarding their base.
"I've always kind of wanted to own a dolphin," Grif said.
"A dolphin?" Simmons sounded blank.
"Yeah, you know, like the pet dolphin from SeaQuest."
"What's SeaQuest?"
"You're a nerd and you don't know SeaQuest?" Grif couldn't help teasing. Before Simmons got mad, he explained, "It's a crappy show from the 20th century. I really liked it as a kid, though, because it was all about the future of the ocean – I mean the fake 20th century version of the future – and having access to the ocean is one of the most important parts of life in Hawaii. I saw the ocean every day. So a show like that couldn't help but be interesting."
"And one of the characters had a pet dolphin?" Simmons asked.
"Yeah, one of the main guys. He named it Darwin, which was stupid, but it made me feel better about my own stupid name." Grif grinned. "They had a gimmick on the show where this prodigy nerd kid made a device that could help the dolphin speak in English."
"Like a translator," Simmons said.
"Yeah. I bet if we had a real dolphin for a pet, Sarge would figure out a way to communicate with it."
"Sarge can't even communicate with Lopez," Simmons said.
Grif laughed. "Okay, you're right. He would kill the dolphin trying to graft a laser onto it."
"I think you're the best friend I've ever had," Simmons said. His voice was practically monotone with contentment. Usually Simmons only sounded that way if Sarge noticed his work, or if he'd just finished cleaning and reloading his gun.
Grif snorted to cover up his heartbeat getting faster. "I'm the only friend you've ever had."
"No," Simmons protested. "I befriended a dog once. He was always happy to see me and licked my face, and every time I threw something he brought it back to me." He paused. "But this is better." He looked at Grif, obviously smiling behind his helmet.
The realization slammed Grif over the head like one of Tex's punches: Simmons had no idea how he felt. The hologram of him had just been one of Simmons' fantasies. That meant -
Grif blurted, "I can't stand it anymore. I'm going to have to say something."
Simmons collapsed to his knees and grabbed Grif around the legs. "Oh no. Please...whatever I did wrong I'll fix it. I promise! Just don't leave."
"Okay, I admit that was the wrong way to phrase things," Grif said dryly. He took Simmon's arm and tried to pull Simmons up. It didn't work. "Man, that robotic arm is strong."
"You're never going to talk to me again, are you?"
Grif worked to keep his voice calm. "You're fine. Get up. I'm not talking about you doing anything wrong."
Simmons shot back onto his feet. "You mean it? You're staying? I didn't do anything horrible that would cause you to stop being my friend?"
"No," Grif said. He sighed. "I'm saying something because it's not fair to you for me to keep telling you all I want to be is friends. I want...I've always wanted...you to be my boyfriend." He blinked. "Hey, that feels pretty good to say. I didn't know how much it was bothering me not to say anything."
"Grif?" Simmons' voice shot up an octave.
Grif grinned. "Oh, come on. I remember the time you said you got G Magazine 'accidentally'. You claimed you gave it to Donut, but I happen to know you hung onto it. And read it. More than once."
Simmons turned crimson. "I-I told you it was just a mistake. And I kept mistakenly taking it out when I was looking for something else. As for giving it to Donut, I forgot. It's not important. Besides, he likes his magazines up to date. It's way too late to give it to him now."
Grif spread his hands. "Come on, it's cool. There are some sexy pictures in there. I can't read anything in it, but I don't have to. Pin-ups don't need much explanation."
Simmons shouted, strangled, "It was a mistake! Can't you just let it go?"
"That's why I thought you were Mexican," Grif said. "It's a Mexican magazine."
"Brazilian," Simmons snapped, unable to let a mistake stand, even in the heat of an argument.
Grif shrugged. "Then there's the holograph projection you made of me."
"That's private you cockbite!"
"You know those files are public," Grif said. "I don't know much about computers and even I know that."
"Why were you looking through my stuff?" Simmons yelled.
"I was bored," Grif said. "Besides, you'd spent weeks tinkering around with it and I wanted to see if you'd made anything cool."
"I specifically labeled that file Standard Test 003," Simmons despaired. "Why would I go through the trouble to make up a file name that boring if I wanted you to look at it?"
"Come on, Simmons," Grif whined. "You're acting like me finding this stuff out is a bad thing. So we like each other. So what? Doesn't that mean we have one less reason to feel bad about ourselves? It would be worse if your feelings were as one-sided as you thought they were."
Simmons turned away. "No. No. It's bad enough that I'm a kissass and a nerd. I'm not going to be gay, too."
Grif held up his hands. "Look, I know. I know. You don't wanna be gay because of your dad and the way he felt about 'girly feelings'. But not all gays are girly gays like Donut."
"They're not?" Simmons looked at him warily.
"No, man." Grif shook his head. "Take me, for example. You guys make me say I'm a girl whenever we surrender, but you know how much I hate that."
Simmons smiled as if recalling a good memory. "Yeah..."
"Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, you don't have to act any different than you act now," Grif said. "Being gay doesn't mean acting different. If you're interested in me, that means you were like that all along. Nothing new happened."
Simmons crossed his arms over his chest. "If we're going to do this then I have to be the man."
Grif stared at him. "What? What are you talking about? We're both men."
Simmons flushed. "Not like that. I mean..." His voice dropped to a mumble. "When we have sex."
"Aren't you getting a little ahead of yourself?" Grif asked. "You went from telling me no and saying you were going to pretend to be not-gay for the rest of your life to telling me how it's going to be when we have sex. Why can't we slow down a little? We'll figure out these things when they happen. Before that...I just want a little time to be normal. To do things like civilians. Don't you think that's good, too? Why don't we start by just...looking at each other like boyfriends, and see what happens."
Simmons panicked and blurted almost too fast to understand, "Oh my god, you're going to leave me, aren't you? It's Donut, isn't it? That little slut!"
"No." Grif sighed and pulled Simmons into a hug. "Look, will you calm down? I don't care about anyone except you. Let's just...relax. Take it easy. We've got a long day of doing nothing ahead of us."
"When you said you liked me, you meant you liked me?"
"Yeah..."
"Why don't I ever pick up on these things?" Simmons wailed. "I've had so many missed opportunities! I could've lost my virginity ten times over by now, but every time someone gets interested in me I just sit in the corner and read my stupid sci-fi books." By the end of that rant he was definitely pouting. It was in his voice.
"I'm...gonna pretend I didn't hear that," Grif said. He patted Simmons' back and let go. "That way you can preserve at least some of your dignity."
"Okay."
They didn't look at each other for a couple of hours.
Then everything was alright again, and conversation turned to their scheduled sneak attack on the Blue base tomorrow morning.