If You See Her

Chapter Four

It took a couple of weeks before Jacob's lungs were strong enough to breathe on their own. We had tried to extubate twice before, but he wasn't able to maintain an inflated lung on his own. We were all praying that the third time would be the charm.

"I know this hurts, but try to push through it. We need this lung to stay viable."

A determination filled his eyes. I shut the machine down, and disconnected it from the tube in his mouth. I could hear the wheezing noises coming from his chest as he worked to keep air inside his lungs. After a few pain-filled moments, his breaths started looking easier. Gently, I placed my stethoscope on his chest. I listened to his efforts, and then smiled. Today was going to be a good day.

He was moved out of the ICU and downstairs to a regular hospital room. Now that he was out of danger, I had to begin working with other patients suffering respiratory problems. I didn't get to see him every day, but I made sure to check the status of his condition often. He was doing well, and was expected to be released soon.

I came by to visit on my day off, claiming I had to check up on my favorite patient. There was truth in my words, but there was more to it. Jacob had become a good friend. We made plans to see each other once he was released.

The next few months were filled with surprises. Some new nurses had been hired to join the hospital's staff. I was changing into my scrubs when I heard the news. Apparently, one of them was also assigned duty with the trauma team. I was curious, as it was unusual for a new employee to be given that detail.

Upon leaving the locker room, I stopped to check the posting of assignments on the board. A smile formed at the corners of my lips. I couldn't believe it!

The next morning, I searched out the new nurse that would be joining our team.

"Angela…it's so good to see you. When did you move to Seattle?"

She turned around and smiled. She held up her left hand, displaying the rock on her third finger. I stepped forward, and embraced her lightly.

"Congratulations. No one deserves it more."

We made plans to meet for lunch later that day, and do some much needed catching up. I was excited to hear all about the man that stole her heart, and the wedding that I missed. As I walked down the hallway, towards my first patient, a small twinge of heartache made itself known.

I still felt the emptiness when I allowed myself to think about Edward and all that I had left behind. It was the best thing for me at the time. That knowledge, however, was a small consolation for all that I had lost.

The trick was not to think about it too often. If I did, I would remember that searing pain that cut right through my heart like a knife. I never knew I could hurt so badly that my body would become physically ill. I often found myself wishing I could just talk with him, or hear his voice one more time. I prayed that he had found whatever it was he was looking for.

As for me, I still would give the world to see his face again. He left my life way too soon. What did I do, that made it so easy for him to just walk out of my life?

He never had the chance to see what a good doctor I had become. He never got to see me pull myself back to being one of the top in my field. I wish that he were here, so we could celebrate together. I wish we could spend some time together. I thought we were so strong we would make it through whatever. I still can't believe that he is gone from my life, forever.

I hesitated just outside the patient's door. Taking some deep breaths, I realized that I had let my thoughts go too far. I couldn't deal with the emotions that came with them, especially not at work.

Clearing my mind, I pushed all of those crippling thoughts down deep. I replaced them with thoughts about how grateful I was to have the training that I do, so I could help people. A small smile crossed my face, as I thought of Jacob and how good he was doing now. Ready to face the day, I pushed open the door.

"Good morning…my name is Doctor Swan…"

Angela quickly became my nurse of choice. We worked well together. She seemed to be able to anticipate what I needed before I had the time to ask. She was picking up the specific details of the respiratory specialty quicker than most. I appreciated the knowledge of medicines and their interactions with other drugs that she brought with her. I smiled, when I remembered that she had been in the professor's class with me. She must have taken my place as his prized student.

Her husband, Ben, was a sweet man. He treated Angela like she was a princess, and she looked at him as if he was her whole world. I was happy that she had found someone. They would drag me along on some of their weekend adventures, as they explored the area. I was, supposedly, the local expert on all of the fantastic places to eat and play.

Usually, I would just call up Jacob and ask him to give me ideas of where to guide my favorite couple to next. He would laugh at me, teasing me that I was a horrible tour guide of our wonderful city. I reminded him, that I was a doctor that rarely left the hospital. I was lucky if I remembered how to find my small apartment.

He volunteered to accompany us once, to take the lead as the guide. I gladly accepted. We soon became the four weekend adventurers. To any onlookers, we must have looked like two happy couples. Unfortunately, only two of us were in love. Jacob and I just didn't have any chemistry in the romance department. We had tried to turn the initial feelings felt at the hospital into something romantic, but we wound up laughing at the awkwardness of it all. We both realized that we felt more like each other was a long lost sibling. Love existed, but not romantically.

It got really strange when he started coming over to my apartment to talk about his latest attraction. He was head over heels for the girl, and she didn't have a clue. He was desperate.

"Jake…I'm not sure I am the best person to ask for advice in the love department. If you haven't noticed, I'm not really that great at it myself."

He laughed.

"I know, Bells. But that is because you are still hung up on whoever it was that broke your heart. You have this huge sign hanging over your head: UNAVAILABLE. If you ever decide to cut him loose, you will have guys lined up outside your door."

I just shook my head. I did not want to discuss this with my self-adopted brother. Anxious to change the subject, I asked him about his latest heart-throb. It worked. The rest of the evening we talked and planned, trying to create the perfect moment for him to ask her out.

My shift didn't start until ten o'clock the next morning, so I decided to try and sleep in. Unfortunately, all of the previous night's talk about how to get someone to notice you had dug up more than just a few feelings. My mind was filled with dreams of reconnecting with Edward.

It was amazing, until we stopped just having fun and started to get close. Then, he became distant and began pulling away. I woke up in the middle of the night, my body drenched with sweat. I remembered chasing after Edward, but I was never able to catch him. I tried rolling over and going back to sleep, only to have the dream start over and then end with the same result.

I was left with that all-too familiar feeling that hurt so badly. How can life just go on? I wish I could just talk to him for awhile. I wish I could understand what went wrong. Maybe Jake was right. If I could just get some kind of closure, I could let him go.

I had made Alice promise not to talk about him, but maybe, I could at least get his address. I would draft a letter this week. I had a right to know what happened. What if he doesn't reply? I guess that would be my closure…

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and I decided to just get up. I ran a hot bath and tried to soothe my aching muscles due to my fitful sleep. It was only seven-thirty when the water started to get cool. Reluctantly, I pulled myself out of the tub and decided I might as well go into work early.

I walked through the doors just in time to see other members of the trauma team arriving. I pulled my phone out of my pocket, only to realize I had forgotten to take off the silent vibration setting. They had been calling me for the past hour.

"What's going on?"

The pilot of the life-saving helicopter was just standing by the door, waiting for the team to grab their supplies. His head cocked to the side, knowing that I should have been briefed on the situation. I stepped closer, revealing my frustration that I would be the one holding up our departure. I couldn't very well grab the necessary supplies if I didn't know what we were facing.

"There is a major trauma case being flown in from back east. We are supposed to arrive ahead of their team and go through everything, so we can take over his care. It kind of sounds like we are his last hope."

I was confused. If this patient was so critical, why wasn't he being brought here, to our hospital? The pilot must have read my expression, because he began to explain.

"I guess the victim is originally from Forks. They want him to be closer to home, you know, in case…"

I gasped. Immediately, my mind was filled with all of the faces of my high school classmates. There was a good chance I would know the patient. For a split second, I was concerned that I might not be able to keep myself emotionally detached. Then I remembered something my mentor had confided in me.

"Bella, I hope you never have to experience this. It is the most difficult thing to have to treat someone you care about personally. However, when you become the best at what you do, it is a predicament you inevitably find yourself in. Would you send them to another, when you know you could help them?"

I was remembering the patient and the way my mentor handled herself throughout the case. It was obvious that they cared about each other from the first moment we entered the room. Even though she had to inflict some pain during treatment, the patient never complained. To the casual observer, it appeared to be business as usual. However, we had worked together so closely…I caught her moments of hesitation and the slight reassurances they offered each other.

When I searched her out later that evening for an approval of a medication change, I found her quietly sobbing in the locker room. That is when she told me that the patient was a dear friend. I realized that night, being the best can be very fulfilling and a curse at the same time.

As the helicopter landed, my phone began to vibrate inside my pocket. I took it out and glanced at the display. It was my best friend, Alice. We were still in touch, even though the past three years have been difficult for us both. I wasn't brave or strong enough to face Edward at her wedding, so I missed it. She said she understood, but I know it hurt her.

These days we were speaking more often, but it was always just superficial. I guessed she was stuck at home waiting for Jasper to pick her up and wanted to pass the time. I would have to call her back. I slid the phone into the front pocket of my scrub top.

Reaching in, I grabbed the last of the bags carrying the necessary respiratory equipment. Angela had already loaded everything else into the waiting van. The Forks hospital was small, and didn't have its own heli-pad. We had to use a nearby emergency landing strip and then drive to the hospital. It would take about ten minutes for us to arrive at our destination.

Due to the nature of the trauma, only the surgical team had accompanied Angela and me. We had briefly discussed what we knew of the case during the flight. Once we were able to stabilize his respiratory functions, the surgical team would take over and try to repair the extensive damage to his upper body.

I was anxious to get to the briefing room, and actually look at the files that had been faxed earlier. Something about this case was making me very nervous.

We had only driven a few miles, when my phone began ringing again. I was surprised. Alice and I had an understanding, due to my crazy work schedule. If I didn't answer the first time, she would wait until I could call her back. If it was going to be awhile, I would send her a quick text. I decided to message her before we arrived and got too deep into this case.

"Sorry, Alice. Can't talk right now, work. Call when I can. Luv ya"

The van was pulling into the parking lot when my phone began humming again. Angela glanced my way, with a worried expression on her face. She knew I was not in the habit of using my phone while working a trauma, and so did my family and friends. Something must be up.

My face copied her worried expression, as I realized she must be right. I pulled the quaking phone from my front pocket and pushed the button to answer the call.

"Bella…Bella…please, you have to come."

She was obviously very upset and sounded as if she was speaking through a torrent of tears. My heart crushed a little, knowing that I was hundreds of miles away and wouldn't be able to.

"Alice, what's wrong? Can you tell me over the phone? I can't leave right now…"

"I'm in Forks, Bella. At the hospital…please…we need your help."

My clenched heart dropped into the pit of my stomach. The severe case we had been called in for…the patient was from Forks…Alice was beside herself…was Jasper the accident victim?

Briefly, I closed my eyes and forced myself to take some deep breaths. It didn't matter who the patient was. I was one of the best at what I do, and if I could help, I would.

"I'm arriving now, Alice. I will meet you inside."

I heard her gasp as the call ended. I would need a few minutes to prepare myself. I was sure to see Carlisle and Esme inside as well. It would be good to see them. I had wanted to stop by for a visit ever since I had moved back, but was afraid of the memories the visit to his house would stir up. I kept telling myself I would go on my next weekend off, but I had yet to make it.

Then, a startling thought occurred to me. Would any other family members be there? Emmett and Rose were still living back east, last I had heard. Would they be able to arrange the time off from work to accompany a family member possibly on his deathbed? Part of me hoped that they would make it. I always enjoyed Emmett's company, and I hadn't really taken the time to get to know Rosalie. I thought I would have time. But, then everything changed…

My heart clenched, causing my body to lurch forward. I had to shuffle my feet quickly to overcompensate so I wouldn't stumble. One of the surgical team chuckled and shook his head. I felt the heat as the red color of embarrassment flooded through my skin.

I tried to avoid the path my thoughts were on, but it was too late. Would he come? Alice and Edward were always so close. Would he leave whatever he was doing, to support his closest sibling?

I honestly couldn't answer my own question. Before everything happened, I would have said he would be there without a doubt. But, obviously, I didn't know him as well as I thought I did. Besides, I really had no idea what he had been up to since I left. Alice and I had both been faithful to our conditions of communication. His existence was never brought up.

Standing outside the main entrance doors, I paused to take a much needed moment of tranquility. It felt like the calm minutes before a major storm. I took one step forward, and the double doors opened. My brow furrowed in disbelief. I had expected Alice to be standing there waiting for me.

Instead, one of the emergency doctors was there to greet us. He led us down the hallway to the right, only stopping to wait for the elevator doors to open. The surgical team began asking questions about the patient's arrival time and current status. I was listening, trying to pick out the details that were pertinent to my part of this case.

Once we arrived at the correct floor, we were shown into a large conference room for the briefing. As I was passing through the doorway, I heard a soft whimper behind me. I turned around and saw Alice standing about twenty feet away.

Removing the bag from my shoulder, I passed it to Angela. I whispered that I would be right back.

Alice saw me moving towards her, and she began walking. We met somewhere in the middle. Her eyes were puffy and red, no doubt from the amount of crying she had been doing. My heart crushed a little more for her, sympathizing with her agony.

"Oh Bella…I'm so glad you are here. They weren't sure you would come."

My body stiffened. She didn't have to say it, I could tell by the words she did utter. He had come to support her. He was probably in the waiting room that she had just left. I hugged her tighter, grateful to be reunited with my best friend.

"I've missed you, Alice. I just wish we were seeing each other under better circumstances."

She hugged me back tightly, nodding against my shoulder. I knew she was trying to hold back a fresh wave of tears, and decided to just hold onto her for a few minutes. If I could offer her a small amount of comfort, it was worth it after bailing on her most important day.

"Alice?"

The voice that bounced off the walls of the hallway, startled me. Alice's grip tightened around me. Confusion clouded my mind. I was having trouble making sense of what my mind thought was true, and what my ears were confirming. I needed to verify with my sight.

Cautiously, my head lifted from Alice's arms enough to give my eyes the chance to end my internal debate. Who I saw, caused my entire body to tremble.

A broken whisper escaped my lips.

"Jas…per?"