Chapter Four

A Sunshine Duo

There it is again... that dream, that nightmare.

Why is it so prominent all of the sudden? Why does it keep coming back? It's starting to seriously cut into the happy memories...

I'm face down at my desk; my pencil is on the floor and my are sketches askew. Gosh, it's been a long time since I fell asleep in the middle of a project... I wonder what made me...?

Then all of the sudden, I remember the fight Rainbow and I had. It seems like every waking minute is marred with bitter memories these days.

My stomach growls loudly. Ugh, I don't want to go out into the dining hall today. I can't bear to listen to Apple Bloom talk about that grocery store for another minute.

I start to put away my writing instruments and... well, what's this?

Someone snuck a cupcake into my room while I was asleep, apparently. Evidently, one of the nurses still cares about me. Or, she's just faking it. The latter is more common around here.

But then again, it's a nice looking cupcake. White batter smothered in violet frosting with little blue sprinkles all over it...

Wait a second; blue sprinkles? Oh, I get it. They know I'm not taking my meds, and they're trying to sneak them to me. Whatever, I'll play along; I'm hungry anyway; there's not much of a way around it.

I pull the wrapper off the morsel and swallow it in one bite. I can almost feel the drugs reacting with my body as they slide down my throat. I doesn't matter, though; they would've gotten me eventually. They're quite clever, really, just bad at dealing with the second degree burns I give other patients. It's a bummer; I miss my curling iron.

It's morning again. I slept through another day after Dash left. These emotionally charged conversations are really starting to take a toll on me.

I look over to the right. There it sits, as it always has: that mirror, embedded inexplicably into the wall. Sometimes, I can make out the silhouettes of other ponies behind it, watching me, taking notes, talking about me.

But then, it just turns out to be my imagination. Huh, I wonder what else I've imagined while I've been here?

So what will today hold for me? More drawing? More sleep? Maybe I'll write a song, or a story. Change it up a little.

Heh, "change". Yeah, that's definitely the word to use here. The most exciting change that's happened to me in months was the addition of an overhead lamp in my bedroom.

I hear static flow from my intercom. Its red light begins to flash rapidly.

"Pinkie?"

The voice is as soothing as it always is; patronizing me. Mocking me.

"What is it now, Janice?" My tone is sharp, unfriendly; I think these visits are starting to get to me.

"You eh... have a visitor. Two, as a matter of fact. Would you like me to-"

"Why not?" I interrupt with feigned pleasantness. "Send them in."

So, who could it be this time? Another one of the traitors? Maybe the mayor decided to show her ugly face.

But why am I so resentful? Just days ago, I was complaining about being lonely. Why in Equestria would I be angry that someone took the time to come and see me?

Am I cracking up? Is this place getting to me?

NO. I'm defiant. No matter how bleak things look, I will never become one of them; I will never become one of those ponies drooling on themselves in the hallway, never become one of those perfect little drones. I'm stronger than that, better than that. This place will never change me.

The doorknob creaks slightly. A soft voice speaks out from behind the wooden entrance.

"Um, don't you think we should knock? She might be showering, or something."

"Aw, there's no reason to do that, sugarcube! Pinkie knows us better than anyone, she won't mind!"

A soft spoken, distinctly feminine voice and a southern drawl. I'd recognize those voices anywhere.

"You don't have to debate whether or not to knock," I call out. "Come on in."

Their discussion stops abruptly. "Right!" one of the voices says after a brief pause.

The door swings into my bedroom. Sure enough, Applejack and Fluttershy strut in, happy and healthy looking as they day I met them.

"Well, if it isn't Pinkie Pie!" Applejack exclaims as she and Fluttershy rush forward to pull me into a hug. "How are you doin' sugarcube?"

I want to be angry at her; I want to make her pay for asking that question. I want her to regret making me relive all the bad memories. But for some reason, I can't. I guess I know that manners and tact aren't exactly Applejack's strong suits.

I just let it slide and take her for simply being impolite. "Not too badly, other than the fact that I'm in an insane asylum," I answer pleasently.

"Oh, yeah... that," Fluttershy says meekly. "But the nurses say you've been very good lately, isn't that true?"

"Heh... you make me sound like a filly in pre-school, Fluttershy. But then again, school fillies get to go home at the end of the day."

Applejack bows her head with an expression of... fear? Goodness gracious, even Applejack is afraid of me. Rainbow and Rarity must have told her I've been in a bad mood lately. This is good, at least now-

But is it good? my conscience retorts internally. Is that really how you want to live your life? Should you really be happy that you're terrifying the ponies you used to call friends? Is that really how you want to be remembered, Pinkie?

I'm... that...

"But enough about my misery," I say, putting my personal debate away for the moment. "How are you both doing?"

Applejack looks up, clearly grateful for a lifeline in the awkward conversation. "Well, the farm's doin' just fine! We planted three dozen new trees last week, and they're growin' like weeds. We'll be able to triple our harvest by next year, at this rate!"

"And I've been able to keep the bunnies out of her trees, for the most part," Fluttershy says with a small smile from under her rose mane. "We had several new litters of them born. It's been difficult, but I think they're finally starting to calm down."

I force a smile. "That's just wonderful, you two. Why don't you have a seat on the bed? We can all catch up for a little while."

Even as I turn away, I can see them glance nervously at one another. Their hesitation, their cautious statements; they're of me as the others were. Why are they so afraid? Where did our old conversations go, our old adventures? Where did the old Pinkie go?

I used to be happy that I had control over people. It gave me something to be proud of; it gave me something to help me forget where I was. But lately, all I want is to be treated the same way I used to be treated; all I want is to be treated like the fun pony I was, like the pony that couldn't resist throwing a party. All I want is for those nervous smiles to be replaced with the genuine grins that I used to see when I was with other ponies.

To be treated like the pony I am, not the monster they're so determined to see, that's my dream lately.

Wishful thinking...

Applejack and Fluttershy sit gingerly on my bed, trying to hide the fact that they're looking at my shackles. They're all such terrible liars... every one of them. It's part of what makes hanging around them fun, I've got a leg up on them. Or I used to, at least.

"You don't have to pretend like you're not looking at them," I say gently. "We can all see them, they don't have to be an elephant in the room."

Applejack looks up awkwardly, brandishing the restraint device. "Well, I guess I do sorta want to know... what are they for?"

Fluttershy nods; she clearly wants an answer as well.

"Well, they're just a precaution, I guess. All the patients have beds like mine, in case we get... 'unruly' they call it."

Fluttershy looks exceedingly anxious to ask her next question. "And have you ever gotten... unruly?"

She blurts the question out like it's a piece of food stuck in her throat. I can't help but laugh... they really want to know if I've gotten "unruly", do they?

"Once or twice," I say after pausing to examine the straps on the leather bindings. "It's rarely my fault, though. There have been times when all I did was try to introduce myself to another patient; they just fly off the handle on occasion, and then we both take the fall for it."

Both Fluttershy and Applejack push their front hooves together, guiltily examining their own appendages, not meeting my gaze.

"We heard you've 'flown off the handle' a couple of times in the past few days..."

Ah, so Rainbow and Rarity did tell them about my outbursts. "I suppose I have," I admit. "I guess I shouldn't have reacted that way to them..."

"Don't worry about it, sugarcube," Applejack says soothingly. "We all have outbursts every now and again, and you're not exactly-"

Oh, so now it comes out... that's the reason they all came to visit me. It takes a lot of nerve to visit someone in a mental hospital just to tell them they're out of their mind. What are they trying to accomplish? I already know what they all think of me.

"I'm not exactly what?"

My tone is demanding; I'm practically begging for a reason to give her what-for. I can see the gears cranking in Applejack's head as she attempts to come up with a safe response.

"You're not exactly the most... meek pony," she says.

Man, am I right about their lying abilities or what? But then again, it's a nice attempt at trying to keep me subdued. Most ponies don't come nearly this close.

"Are you here to talk about him, too?" I ask. "Are you going to try and tell me what really happened?"

Fluttershy's face brightens. "Does that mean you-"

"No." My voice is suddenly distinctly unfriendly. Is that really what they're here for? Are they all visiting me just to try to bribe me into believing a lie? Is that what being a friend means now? "No, I don't believe it; I never will."

"That's not what she was going to ask, sugarcube!" Applejack insists with a wave of her hoof. "No need to go crazy on us, we just came here to talk."

"About what?" I demand. "If you're going to say something other than an accusation, spit it out!"

"About you, about the incident," she answers. "We believe you."

My heart practically stops beating. They believe me? Could they really, truly believe me after all this time? "You believe what?" I ask, attempting to contain my excitement.

"We believe your story, and it's not just us," Applejack says. "The court wants to drop the charges."

The court wants to drop the charges, eh? Now this I have a hard time believing. "And what do they want in return?"

"A confession," Applejack replies. "But it wouldn't mean anything, I swear! Under the circumstances, they just want to have it on file for the sake of the legal proceedings."

A confession? For the sake of legal proceedings? I've never heard of anything like that.

Look closely, Pinkie. She's got to be lying, there's got to be something she's not telling me.

But as I look into her eyes, I can't help but think... could she be telling the truth? Her pupils, they didn't dilate. She's not rigid or unmoving, she's not touching her face, she's not looking up and away, or speaking in monotone. Nothing about her body language implies she's lying. Either she's just gotten excellent at hiding it or...

"Are you telling the truth?" I ask tentatively.

My question sounds stupid, fillyish as it leaves my lips. What are you asking that for? It's not like she'd tell you if she was lying.

She nods. I can't help but sigh; all these years of being told what a monster I am on a daily basis, all these years of being lied to, of being deceived constantly... it's made my heart hard. I want to think she's lying. I want to think the worst of her.

But at the same time, I want to believe her. I can't explain why, but for the first time in over six years, I really want to believe her. Maybe I just want to get out of this place... maybe I just want to be free.

"And they'll... let me go?" I ask with a narrowed gaze.

Both Fluttershy and Applejack nod enthusiastically.

"Hmm..." I simply hum as I swivel and face the mirror in the wall. They're hiding something. They've got to be. No court would drop this kind of charge without a good reason, even if it is wrong.

Facing the silvery sheen of the polished glass, I try to calm the torrent of emotions running through my mind.

Should I do it? Should I sell myself out just to escape this place?

All I want is to be back with my friends. All I want-

Wait. Fluttershy... she's whispering in Applejack's ear?

They're oblivious to how obvious they're being. I wonder if I can pick up on what they're saying? Get an inkling of what's going on?

I focus closely on Fluttershy's mouth as it moves up and down. Through the stream of hushed speech, I can make out three words.

"She's buying it."

Well, what have we here? "Did you know I can read lips, Fluttershy?" I murmur.

Even though I can only see their reflections in the mirror, I can practically see the beads of sweat appear on their bodies; I can feel their hooves shaking on the bed frame and feel their heart rates quicken. Their conversation stops dead, their are eyes trained on my back.

Fluttershy looks straight forward, attempting to keep calm. "What do you-"

"It's a little skill I picked up a few years back. I'm impressed, you two; I never met a pony that could slip through my lie detector."

I spin back to face them. Applejack has a good poker face, but I can see the terror in her blank expression and the fear pooling in her eyes. She knows she's caught.

"You were doing a good job of fooling me, until Fluttershy went and wrecked it for you. But I guess she didn't expect me to read her lips."

They don't move a muscle, they're just waiting for me to continue... just like the others.

"'She's buying it'," I begin. "That's all I picked up. But that's all I really needed to pick up."

They're right where I want them: terrified. It's amazing how fast the tone of the conversation can shift, amazing how fast my trust can turn to anger.

"Why did you do it? Did you want me to confess so they could haul me off and throw me in jail? Did you five want to put me in someplace worse than this? Am I not miserable enough yet?"

"Please, Pinkie, we we're only trying to help!" Fluttershy insists.

That much is true; they are trying to help me, aren't they?

But I don't care. "I don't need your help. I don't need anypony's help! I'm in my right mind already, getting me to sign off on a piece of paper isn't going to change that! When are you all going to understand that?"

"We just want you back, sugarcube," Applejack pleads. "That's all we want, that's why we put you here in the first place! To help you!"

I can't help but giggle. "Help me? Is this 'help' to you? Sticking me in a place where my whole life consists of three rooms? Is that help?"

"You're only here because you won't come back to reality!" Fluttershy attempts to sooth me. "If you did-"

There's that phrase again. "I won't come back to reality", hmm? If I had a bit for every time I've heard that...

"I am in reality." I tell her in a shaking voice.

My hooves are quivering, my teeth are chattering; every ounce of my willpower is spent keeping my hooves at my side. My restraint is at breaking point. They're asking for it, why not give it to them?

But I won't. I won't prove them right. "Get out. Both of you, get out now."

"Are you going to let his death be a mystery to you?" Fluttershy asks tearfully. "Are you really going to go through life without knowing the truth?"

"I said get OUT!" I bellow.

My anger explodes into white hot rage. Containing myself is no longer an issue; they don't deserve my kindness. "I am not a murderer! I will NOT be told by my own friends that I killed another pony!"

They leap from the bed and scamper off, tearing down the hallway in abject fear. I slam the door behind them; I will never let anypony tell me I did that.

I walk slowly to the center of my carpet, attempting to regain my composure. I take a deep breath and close my eyes.

And I'm back: the same cold, calculating Pinkie Pie is back.

Cold... calculating. Would I have called myself that before? Would I have been this monster they think they see?

Is it worth it? Being a beast to these people, screaming at your oldest friends, just to hold on to the truth?

More importantly, is it worth compromising your morals, just for comfort? Should I live a lie just to escape?

Water pelts the carpet below me. I feel as though the tears are appearing from thin air, my face is numb to it. There are so many questions and so few answers.

Why not escape to a place with no questions? Why bother with a world that despises you, why care about a world that holds you captive?

Why not go to a place where I can be free? A place where I can fly a kite, or run a race or make new friends? A place where I can forget.

It seems I ask that same question every day, and every day give the same answer: why not indeed?

I crawl into the covers with the shades drawn; there is no pain here, there is no suffering. Only the bright light I can never touch.

Even as I begin to drift off, a thought pushes its way into my mind. Who's come here so far? Rarity, Rainbow, Fluttershy and Applejack. That leaves-

Twilight...

I can't help but chuckle. How's she going to handle me? Maybe a little magic action, maybe? That would be exciting. Or maybe she'll give me a book. Oh, that would be just like her: giving me a book on conquering mental illness.

But a better question is, how will I handle her?

I roll over in my bed; it's funny how I can make myself uncomfortable with my own questions. Maybe I'll just have to deal with it when it happens. Until then, I have one thing to do.

My eyes close slowly, I calm my breathing. Time to drift off to a simpler place, a happier place.

The sweet pain of a false reality.