A/N: I've only seen the movie once and I can't recall if they mentioned how or when Ronit's mother died so I've taken the liberty of providing my own details about the subject. Thanks again for all your feedback - it truly gives me that push of motivation I need to write each chapter!
"Esther? Hello? Earth to Esther!" Tanya's voice sounds distant, and Esti does not particularly want to coax herself towards it. She is content to sit here with her group of four-year-olds, dreamily swirling a paintbrush in its water cup, just focused enough to make sure her students are painting more or less on their papers rather than on each other.
"Hmm, yes?" She takes the brush out of the water and dries it on a scrap of paper towel, watching the damp stain web out before taking another paint-saturated brush and repeating the process.
"Miss Esther, look! I'm done," a child interrupts, holding up his soggy painting.
"It's lovely, Ross. Can you lay it smoothly on the rack? Yes, good, nice and slowly. Well done. Please wash your hands." Her voice is saturated with trained patience. Four-year-olds don't have a bit of common sense.
"Sorry, Tanya. I'm a bit distracted today." Esti returns her attention back to her co-teacher. "What is it you wanted to ask me?"
"You most certainly are distracted," Tanya agrees with a smirk, but her tone is good natured. She straightens Ross's painting so it lays properly flat, rubbing her fingers together until the excess tempera paint flakes away from her skin. "So, I wanted to ask you if you've got plans this weekend. My friend Ashley - you remember her, right? The one who's got the big nose and that dreadful Pooh bear tattoo on her ankle? Anyway, we're taking our kids to the zoo on Saturday. Her daughter is Ella and Charlotte's age, so I thought you might want to join us."
"Saturday? No, I'm sorry, I can't," Esti answers, taking the wet brushes over to dry by the sink. "I've got, um, I've got a...thing." She is suddenly unbearably flustered as she thinks about Ronit's arrival.
"A thing?" Tanya regards her with a classic eyebrow raise, which she is surprisingly adept at. Esti's is quite certain her eyebrows could never obtain that range of motion. "You've got a thing! When were you going to tell me? Actually, never mind about that, just tell me what sort of thing it is!" She is gushing with far too much enthusiasm, and some of the children have stopped their painting to properly state.
"Um, well..." Esti speaks meekly, then turns quietly to address a tiny blonde girl with neatly plaited hair. "Bethany, would you be a dear and ring the clean up bell?"
"You were telling me about the thing," Tanya prods as the bell rings shrilly, and the children all at once respond like Pavlovian dogs.
"Well, um, someone is visiting. Someone I haven't seen in a rather long time," Esti replies, stacking the paint trays and handing them to a rather competent child to wash in the sink.
"Oh, a visitor? Someone special, is it?" Tanya sprays the paint-stained table with a frothy soap and water solution, and a mob of children wielding sponges quickly comes to sop it up eagerly.
Esti tries to look coy but can feel her cheeks reddening. "Yes, it is someone rather special."
"A special someone! You've never mentioned anyone before!" Tanya exclaims. "Let me know if you need me to take Charlotte at all during the weekend so you can properly catch up."
"Thank you. I will keep that in mind," Esti graciously intones, and then to a child who is scrubbing with particular fervor, "Clarissa, you've been cleaning so nicely. Would you like to go pick out the book for circle time?"
"A rather special someone," Tanya repeats with more curiosity than Esti prefers. "Darling, darling Esther, I am absolutely dying to know all the details."
XXX
"Mummy, I'm so hot," Charlotte whines, trying to wriggle her hand out of the Esti's grasp.
"Hush, Charlotte. We're almost there," Esti urges her along, though her own body is drenched in a layer of sweat.
The sun is merciless in a cloudless sky, and Esti squints as she passes each house, using her hand as a visor to shield her eyes.
"Why does Tatty live thousands of years away?" Charlotte moans, her small body going limp as she suddenly refuses to take another step.
They are on their way to visit Dovid, typically a bimonthly excursion that leaves Esti with a muddled knot in her stomach. She never meant to take his child away from him, and she wishes that merging their lives together weren't such a strenuous task. She wishes she could visit Dovid without any reservations, to co-parent in a modern manner where the stress and tension were less lofty than the rejection of an entire religion. He always looks at Charlotte with a heartbroken look in his eyes, though he has been kind enough to verbally express that he knows their separation has been for the best. He is marrying Malkah Rabinowitz next month, who's husband passed away from cancer nearly a year ago. She has three small boys - Mendel, Yosef, and Shmulik - who will love and adore him the way he should be as a father. She feels vaguely jealous - not over the loss of Dovid, but because of his ability to move forward with the life he has chosen.
She scoops Charlotte's hot, compact body into her arms in careful avoidance of starting a screaming match with her toddler. Charlotte squirms impatiently in Esti arms, but she soon settles without too much fuss. Esti is almost thankful for the stifling heat - all the familiar faces from her youth are tucked away in their homes instead of politely turning their judgmental gazes away from Esti as they pass one another on the pavement.
She stops briefly in front of the Rav's old home - the deep red bricks have been painted a pale, fresh yellow, breathing new life into the place that houses so many of Esti's most precious memories.
"Mummy, this is not Tatty's house," Charlotte informs her with a small huff as she repositions her body in Esti's arms.
"Just give me a moment," Esti whispers, the words more a permissive utterance to herself than for her daughter's sake. She closes her eyes and imagines the home as it once was, and suddenly she is sixteen again. The weight of her daughter seems to vanish from her arms as she allows herself to be swept into a vortex of memories.
XXX
Esti walked in silence beside her mother, looking down at her dark boots with solemn eyes. Her father walked several paces ahead, joining in conversation with a group of men from shul.
"I know that Ronit is your closest friend, but just keep in mind that she may not quite be herself today," Esti's mother reminded her gently, tugging gently at the fabric of her long black skirt so the hem did not catch on the stone steps of the walkway.
"Yes, Ima, I know." Esti skimmed her tongue across her teeth, mustering a tone of patience. "Her mother has just passed away. I'm not expecting anything from her."
But of course as soon as they entered over the front threshold, Esti found her eyes searching frantically for Ronit amongst the throngs of people. Her gaze settled on Dovid first standing on the outskirts of a group of boy his age, and she nodded in his direction. The boys and girls were kept fairly isolated from each other at this age, so even their mutual acknowledgement of one another felt dangerously intimate.
"Esti!" She turned suddenly, only to be engulfed in Ronit's embrace. "Oh, Esti. I'm so glad you've arrived," Ronit crooned in her ear, tears edging dangerously in her voice. Esti watched her mother step toward a gathering of women before letting herself lean into the embrace.
"I'm so sorry, Ronit," Esti breathed against her neck.
Ronit only held her closer. "Come meet me in the attic bedroom," she whispered. "I've already told Dovid to come join us as well."
All at once, the warmth of her body vanished. She turned to look for Dovid, but she couldn't spot him amongst the crowd. She waited several seconds, to be certain that nobody had bothered to notice her, before slipping up the two sets of familiar staircases and arriving in the attic bedroom.
The attic bedroom was used entirely for storage, dusty and cluttered with trunks and boxes. Ronit and Dovid sat on the floor by the window, the glass surface covered in an icy web of frost. She joined them wordlessly, feeling both lightheaded as the din of the voices rose from below them.
"I have got a surprise for the both of you," Ronit announced, her voice suddenly much cheerier than it had been down in the parlor. Dovid watched her with vibrant shiny eyes, adjusting his glasses in anticipation. He was tall and thin, and though he had surpassed Ronit and Esti in height many years before, there was still something young and boyish about him. She loved him in the fierce way she loved her younger brothers, and missed the days when they had been permitted to play with one another.
Ronit rummaged in the trunk behind her, producing a bottle of vodka and a pack of cigarettes. "From my Mum's secret stash," she explained. "Had to clear it out before my father discovered it. Would've been a pity to let it go to waste." And with that, she unscrewed the bottle's lid. "L'chaim!"
She passed the bottle off to Dovid, who mimicked her toast. "L'chaim!" Esti watched his nose wrinkle as he swallowed a large gulp. "Esti?"
She took the bottle tentatively, letting the liquid slosh in the half empty bottle.
"Go on, Est," Ronit encouraged, cracking open the icy window as she lit a cigarette elegantly. "It will make you feel wonderful. My head already feels as though it swimming in a cloud."
Dovid laughed, suddenly reaching to take off his black brimmed hat, leaving only a yarmulke on his scruffy hair. "It's not too bad, really. Go on."
Esti brought the bottle to her lips, letting her tongue brush against the brim. It tasted terrible, almost chemical, but she bravely took a respectable swig. It burned as she swallowed, and she coughed involuntarily, trying to void the taste from her mouth.
"Here, lean your head toward's mine and inhale," Ronit instructed, and Esti obliged, breathing in a cloud of secondhand smoke, which tasted equally as dreadful.
They passed the bottle and cigarette around several more times in silence, and soon Esti began to feel pleasantly numb.
"Do you ever think about how stupid it is that we can't even hold hands with a boy before we marry them?" Ronit announced suddenly, flicking the butt of the cigarette out the window.
"It is rather ridiculous," agreed Dovid, leaning his head back against the wall. "But I suppose it has a way of working out in the end."
Esti offered nothing, bringing her knees to her chest and leaning her cheek softly against her knees. Her stomach fluttered a little, watching the way the dull sunlight bounced off of Ronit's dark hair. She looked lovelier than usual, her black skirt riding carelessly up above her knees, her cheeks pink and her lips full. She hardly cared that she didn't get to hold hands with any boys.
"I mean, honestly," Ronit continued. "How are we supposed to know we even like who we'll be marrying? Can you imagine how awkward it will be to kiss someone for the first time ever on your wedding night?" She waved her arms about incredulously before reining them in to light another cigarette. She puffed it a few times before handing it off to Dovid, their hands brushing together clumsily. "Whoops, guess we're no longer shomer negiah."
"What if we don't wait?" Dovid mused thoughtfully as he exhaled out a cloud of smoke. "What if we all have our first kiss now? Just to see what it will be like? I mean, after all, we're already already breaking so many rules just by hiding away up here."
Esti let her hair fall over her face, nearly choking on her own breath, but the other two didn't seem to notice.
Ronit had a wicked gleam in her eyes. "Yes. Let's. You and me first, Dovid?"
She handed the cigarette off to Esti. Esti watched the orange tip flare and recede as a hint of a breeze wafted through the attic window. She kept her eyes fixed on the tendrils of smoke as she listened to the awkward shuffling of bodies. Only once did she dare to glance up, briefly watching as Dovid's mouth eagerly covered Ronit's. His eyes were closed, but Ronit's were not, and she caught Esti's gaze and held it there before breaking off the kiss with Dovid.
"Esti?" Dovid turned to his other friend much too eagerly.
"Oh, no. I'm fine, really. I'd really rather not," Esti answered quickly.
Dovid eyes flashed with disappointment, though only briefly. He glanced down at his watch. "We should probably go back down before someone comes looking for us," he spoke reasonably, replacing his hat on his head.
Ronit nodded. "You go first. We'll stagger accordingly. Here, take a mint." She pulled a pack out of the same trunk she'd produced her other illicit items from.
Now it was just the two of them. Esti remained glued to the floor, her body tumbling with a soupy mixture of unidentifiable feelings.
"Shall I go first, or do you want to?" Ronit asked, tucking the vodka and cigarettes back into the trunk.
"Wait," Esti said suddenly, untangling herself from her own limbs and pressing her hand against Ronit's wrist.
She caught Ronit's gaze, studying her face slowly. Ronit made no effort to pull away, her expression stoic, though her eyes flashed the same way they had the day they'd tried on the bikini's together. Esti could never forget that look.
It's not that I didn't want to kiss someone. She could not find the bravery to say words out loud. It's just that I didn't want to kiss Dovid.
"Ronit!"
The girls jumped away from each other suddenly. Ronit's father. His voice was frighteningly close.
"Ronit? Are you up there? Dovid mentioned he saw you come upstairs." His foot creaked on the bottom step.
"Yes, yes. I'm up here. I just needed a moment," Ronit frantically explained. "I'm coming down now."
Ronit popped a mint into her mouth and clattered down the stairs before the Rav could ascend instead, leaving Esti to breathe in the stale empty air.