Derek closed the door to the Chief's office, glanced to his right, then turned and walked away. All of a sudden he paused, only just registering what he had seen. Something had caught his eye…he would know that slight frame, that long, wavy, dirty blonde hair anywhere. A small smile flittered across his face, before he turned around again. She looked so beautiful, standing on the bridge, as the sunlight began streaming through the glass, bouncing off her hair, giving her a serene, angelic glow. He slowly began walking towards her, not knowing what he was going to say, only knowing he had to see her, talk to her.
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Meredith stood on the hospital bridge that connected the Chief's office with the hallway opposite. She watched the luminous yellow sun streaked with red as it started to rise above the water, climbing higher and higher in the sky. She was exhausted, both physically and mentally. She had had almost no sleep, and after their conversation in the locker room, Meredith and Cristina had delegated themselves to the pit, as technically they weren't working for another two hours. Meredith had stitched up injured hands, legs, arms and even an eyebrow split open during a bar brawl. The nurses had kept them busy, thankful for the extra help with the overflowing pit. The work had kept Meredith's mind from wandering into territory she hadn't wanted it to enter. But now, as she watched the sky growing lighter the higher the sun climbed in the sky, she could think of nothing else.
She sighed, closing her eyes, and leaned against the railing, her back to the rest of the hospital, trying to calm her mind and her stomach down.
"Hey," a voice said quietly.
Meredith froze, not opening her eyes. Her skin tingled the way is always did when the subject of her thoughts was anywhere near her. Awareness flowed through her veins, seemingly picking up speed with her heart rate. Slowly she opened her eyes, turning her face towards him.
"Hey," she replied, keeping her tone soft.
"We need to talk," Derek said, tilting his head slightly to the side, and looking intensely into her eyes.
She was silent, just looking at him, breathing him in. Wanting desperately to agree with him, but she was too afraid to. Once they began to talk, she didn't know what she would say, what might come out, and she was afraid she would end up pushing him even further away from her. So she tore her eyes from his, and stared off into the sun.
"Meredith." Derek spoke again, lifting his hand towards her, cupping her chin in his hand, and drawing her face back around towards him again. He softly ran his hand over her cheek, and down onto her neck, before running it behind her head, until he was cupping the back of her neck.
She felt herself leaning into his touch, ever so slightly, trapping his hand between her cheek and the base of her neck, before she realized where they were, and turned away from him, giving him her back.
His hand dropped away, and he waited for her to say something.
"I guess we do," she finally replied in a small voice.
There was an awkward pause between them, each knowing they needed to talk, and neither wanting to start the conversation off.
"Meredith…" Derek began.
"Derek, I do see a future for us…I do. I swear." Meredith spoke, her words rushing and running together.
Derek tilted his head again, and began to smile, his eyes warming, and beginning to twinkle. He felt part of the weight lift off his shoulders, before he looked puzzled and replied, "Okay…then why did you say we were over?"
Meredith turned away from him, and looked down over the hospital, her pulse racing. She really did not want to be having this conversation. Cristina was right. She was McAvoider. However, Cristina was also wrong. It did not make her happy. She wasn't happy avoiding the important issues in her life; it just made them easier to cope with. But this was not the time to avoid, she knew that, and if she wanted to fix the mess she had made, she had to talk to him, she had to explain, or at least try to.
"Everyone leaves eventually, Derek. My father left, my mother was never really there, but she left too…even George left me. You know what he said? 'But I would never leave you. I would never hurt you. And I will never stop loving you.' But he did, Derek. He left, and Izzie went with him, saying that if I couldn't fix it with George, she was on his side. Everyone leaves me, everyone…In fact, the only people who have never left are Alex and Cristina."
Derek was silent for a moment, staring at Meredith's back, understanding slowly dawning. Meredith's words made sense with what the Chief had told him, and from what she herself had told him about her family.
"Meredith…I said I would never leave you. I can't leave you," he said, attempting to soothe her.
Something inside Meredith snapped, and she felt the words bubbling up, and they were out of her mouth before she could stop them.
"Really? Because you did a bang-up job of it last time." She said, whirling around to face him.
Silence hug between them like a heavy pall, so silent, and yet so loud. Derek's expression was hard to read, a myriad of emotions running across his face. Meredith just looked at him, stunned at what she had just said, her breathing unsteady and erratic.
"I guess we have more to discuss than I thought," Derek finally spoke, looking somewhat shell-shocked.
A look of horror flashed across Meredith's face as the full implication of what she had just said hit her, before she turned and walked swiftly away from Derek. He seemed too shocked, too hurt to do more than just watch her walk away. She had reached the other side of the bridge, and was turning the corner when he remembered Richard's words.
"If she is shutting you out, you need to understand why that is."
Derek felt realization hit him square in the chest, nearly knocking him over. He sprinted off in the direction that she had gone. He saw her dart into the elevator, and just as the doors were starting to close, he slipped in beside her.
She shot him an annoyed look, and then stared as the lights lit up on the elevator, indicating their descent. Derek looked at her for a second, before pulling the stop button, the lift lurching to a halt.
"Derek!" Meredith exclaimed, jerking her head around to look at him.
"We can be paged if they need us…I'm not leaving here until we have discussed this. God, Meredith, I can't do this anymore, this back and forward, on and off thing we have going. It exhausts me. I never know where we stand. You say you are in, that you see a future for us, but the minute things get difficult, you leave. You walk away. You avoid things, Meredith." Derek said, a weary look passing over his face.
Meredith gave him an incredulous look, sparks shooting out her eyes. "I avoid things? I walk away? Well, gee, Derek, I wonder who I learnt that off! Do you think it was easy for me to see you with Addison every single day? Do you think it was easy for me to stand in front of you and beg? I don't beg, Derek, I have never begged. But I begged you. I told you I loved you, I told you I was in, so in that it was humiliating. I said 'I love you,' to you, Derek, to your face, and you still left me! I'm not the only one who avoids things, who walks away!"
"No, you aren't. I avoid things! I know that! I avoided telling you I loved you because I loved you so much it hurt, Meredith! Do you think it was easy for me to go back to Addison, to see you every day and not be able to hold you? But I had to go back to her. I had to give my marriage a chance. If I didn't….I would never have been able to get over the guilt, Meredith. I thought I owed Addison another chance. But do you think I don't regret my choice? Do you really think that if I had it to do over again, that I wouldn't pick you? Not picking you is easily one of the top five worst decisions of my life! I was miserable…for months! Watching you move on, the whole George thing, and then Finn. Every time you smiled, and it wasn't directed at me, it hurt!" Derek yelled, frustration etched onto his face.
"I didn't move on, Derek! I tried to….I tried so hard. But you wouldn't leave my thoughts! No matter what I did, you wouldn't leave me! And then, we decided to be friends or….whatever, and things got so much harder! I was barely breathing, Derek! Some days it was an effort to get out of bed!" Meredith replied forcefully, her stomach curling into a hard knot.
"So how did we go from there to here? Ho w did you go from loving me, to discarding me in a matter of months?!" Derek demanded, his eyes blazing.
"Because it is easier for me to make the decision to end this, for it to be my decision, than to wait for you to come to the inevitable conclusion on your own! It is easier for me to walk away, than to watch you leave me!" Meredith yelled back at him.
The silence was deafening, neither of them breathed, neither of them moved. Finally Derek broke the silence, starting to move closer towards Meredith.
"This is one thing I'm not going to walk away from. I've perfected the art of walking away. I walked away when I found Mark and Addison, I avoided that situation. I came out here, and I met you. You saved me, Meredith. You taught me what it is to love, to truly love. I'm not walking away from this, I'm sticking. For once in my life, I'm sticking, because if I walk away from this, I'll be miserable for the rest of my life. But if you want out, if I'm not enough for you, I'll walk away. I'll walk away if that is what it takes for you to be truly happy. But if there is a chance that you don't want this to be over, if there is even the slightest chance, I'm not walking away, Meredith." Derek said softly, his tone so different from before.
Meredith looked at him, tears welling up in her eyes, before she sunk slowly to the floor, tears spilling down over her cheeks.
Derek bent down, kneeling on the ground, and took her in his arms, slowly drawing her to him, rubbing her back in slow, gentle circles. She tensed in his embrace, but he merely held her, whispering soft words in her ear, until she relaxed, wrapped her arms around his neck, and sobbed into his chest.
"Meredith, you have to believe me. I know I've made some terrible choices, I know I've let you down more times than I can count, I know that I treated you like crap over Finn, and George. I know how many mistakes I've made. But this time, I'm not walking away, not if you want me to stay. But you need to tell me what you want. You need to tell me if you want me to stay, Meredith. It's your choice. So, what do you want?"
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Okay, I'm not completely satisfied with this chapter, but anyway, as promised, the MerDer 'reunion' :) I thought I would post two chapters to make up for the lack of updates…but it does mean that the next one will take a little longer. Hope you enjoyed it, and thank you for reading. (Hopefully it wasn't too cheesy ;) ) Oh, and thank you so much for the reviews! It is exciting to check my emails, and find reviews in my inbox for me to read! They are very much appreciated!
