Alrighty then, updating this a bit later than usual. I got distracted last week with painting, and working my small website, and I just never got around to typing. But I'm back now, and I'm cold…Cold during the summer, huh.
This might be somewhat shorter than the other chapters, and get through less of the plot, but I'll try to write as much as possible. I haven't been feeling so great the last few days, so I've been spending more time in my room than on the computer. And when I have been on the computer I've been trying to write new chapters of other stuff, and I'm just not getting much of anywhere right now… I need some rest, but I'll do this first.
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Chapter Four: Of Cows, Women in Blue and Boulders
The Merchant had been planning a daring escape from Saddler's bedroom for the last hour, while the two were… preoccupied. For that matter, they were so busy, they didn't even realize he'd stopped playing the harp twenty minutes ago and was just sitting there, staring at the wall.
Most people would probably be tempted to see exactly what they were doing, but not the Merchant. He had willpower, he had a sense of morals, he had a… Really strong sense of nagging curiosity, apparently.
He turned slightly to take a glance at the couple doing their thing. After just a glimpse, he stood up abruptly in horror, tripping over his own feet and going through the door headfirst and down the stairs on the other side. After a minute of laying in a heap at the end of the stairwell, he got back up. And started jumping around, waving his hands wildly. "EWW, EWW, EWW!"
What he saw was never meant to be seen by anyone; human, animal, alien or otherwise. And for a very good reason.
Gaining his composure finally, he took a few deep breaths and began to head for the nearest exit.
"Ah, now I'm free to go be with my weapons. Maybe even sell some of them to people who just happen to be passing through the spots where I take coffee breaks, and make them think I'm a stalker because I'm always hanging out where they're going."
He happily walked out the front door, whistling a tune… And missed the first step, going face-first into the ground. "I've got to watch where I'm going…"
Meanwhile, Just Outside of the Farm…
"Now where am I?" Leon asked himself, looking around the path he'd just entered and tossing aside remaining carcass of the barbecued cow. "Ah-ha, it's a farm. Uh oh, farms are, like, the most dangerous places ever! I'd better be extra careful or my arms could get ripped off in machinery!"
He wandered along the path to a small shed where there was a table, with a typewriter. "A typewriter? I wonder what this is for. Hey, I know! I'll leave notes!"
He began to type. When he finished, he held the piece of paper up and looked at it proudly. "I've got to read this to someone!"
He pocketed the paper, leaving the shed and heading for a large paddock where two cows stood. "Hi, Holstein cow. Hi, Swiss Brown cow."
The two cows mooed in response. Evidently, Leon knows his cow breeds.
"So, what's up?"
The Holstein mooed and swished its tail.
"Yeah, I know how that is."
And cow language, it seems.
The Swiss Brown pawed the dirt.
"What's wrong? 'There's a farmer coming up behind me'?" Leon turned around, and sure enough, there was a farmer with a pitchfork. "Oh crap!"
He jumped the fence, running behind the cows. The farmer followed him.
He ran in between the cows. The farmer followed him.
He grabbed a chicken that happened to be passing by and threw it right in the farmers face. The farmer ran around the pen in circles, the chicken, still planted on the guys face, flapping its wings wildly. The farmer finally threw the chicken off, and it laid an egg for no apparent reason.
"Hey, a tasty and nutritious egg!" Leon said happily, picking it up. "Take this, you freak!"
He chucked it at the farmer, breaking over his head, directly on his bald spot.
"Damn!" the farmer cursed in Spanish, "Now I have to go wash and polish my head! Don't leave, I'll be back in half an hour!"
Leon watched as the farmer shouted something at him, pointing to his hair and freaking out as he walked off and disappeared behind the barn.
"Err… Okay…"
He suddenly heard more shouting in Spanish coming from inside the barn, and out walked a pale woman in a blue dress with a scarf covering her hair. She approached him slowly with a sickle.
Leon stared at her in awe. "You're beautiful!"
The woman stopped, giving him a funny look.
"I have to read you this poem – I think you'll like it." He pulled out the piece of paper and began to read. "I am Sy the Photo Guy. I am 0. I work at One Hour Photo."
The woman brought her hands together in an endeared fashion. "Oh, aren't you just sweet?"
"You speak English??"
"Of course. What, did you think we were all uneducated, or something?"
"No, no… Um, you are so pretty," he said, changing the subject.
She giggled. "My name's Eleanor."
"Pleased to meet you, Eleanor. I'm Leon. Hey, what's up with this place? I mean, why do people keep trying to kill me?"
"First of all, we were told by the village chief to kill anyone that we didn't know. And also, we're all crazy."
"… You mean, 'Alice in Wonderland tea party' crazy or 'wild man from the middle of nowhere' crazy?"
"The second one. What's brings you to this village, Leon?"
"I'm looking for someone who disappeared."
"Oh? Well, do you have a little time for this first?" She took her top off.
Leon drooled like Homer Simpson for about five minutes, before he came back to reality. "Man, why did I have to be on a mission? … Sorry, but I'm in a bit of a hurry at the moment. But, I'll have plenty of time later, trust me!"
"I'll be looking forward to that. Tell you what, why don't you take one of these cows, to ride when you get tired?"
"Riding a cow? Sounds like fun."
"And I'll tell my sister Delores to keep an eye out for you. She can help if you need anything."
"What about you?" Leon asked, "Won't you come with me?"
"I can't – I have to finish my farm work first. But I'll meet up with you later."
Leon thought for a moment. And then that moment became a long time. "You know, maybe I do have a minute to spare."
And they somehow ended up in the barn really, really fast, doing something that was really, really wrong.
Imagine Stephen King's It meets The Village, and then you mix in a little bit of Emeril and the local news…
Yeah, it doesn't make much sense to me either, but that's what it was – a big, confusing mess of creepiness.
By the time they were done doing that, the cow that had been trapped in the barn, forced to watch them, had exploded. The narcoleptic farm dog had permanently lost its bark after peering in through the doorway as it went by – and then fell asleep. The other farmers, who had been working until they noticed what was going on in the barn, had all fallen into comas upon sight of them, laying in a pile outside of the other doorway.
"Wow, if all the girls in this town are like you…" Leon said as they came back outside, stepping over comatose villagers.
"Hahaha, you're so funny," Eleanor replied, "Now, it's time for you to go get the job done."
"I thought that's what we just did."
"No, I mean finding the person who disappeared, you silly goose."
"'Silly goose', who came up with that retarded metaphor?"
Eleanor just smiled, and gave him a hug. "I'll meet up with you soon. Be careful!"
Leon watched her walk away until she left his line of sight, and then turned to the Swiss Brown cow. "Swiss Brown, with your reddish-brown coat so bright, won't you haul my lazy ass around tonight?"
The cow pondered, and then mooed.
"Awesome," he said as he hopped onto the cow's back and they began to head for the farm exit. "We're going to be best friends. And I'll call you Geoffrey."
It mooed.
"Oh, you're a girl? Then how about 'mom'?"
The cow appeared to roll her eyes, and mooed a yes.
"What a nice trip so far. I met some creepy guys, I met some villagers, got a new girlfriend, and a new mom!"
Then they entered the next area. Up ahead on the path, there was another sign with skulls. This one read ' Bouldery-thingie Path of Death'.
"Huh, 'bouldery-thingie path of death'. That sounds like an Indiana Jones movie."
Just then, a group of villagers pushed a huge boulder off onto the path. It began to roll after them.
"Run, cow, run!"
The cow didn't have to run. Instead she climbed a tree.
"I didn't know cows could climb trees…"
The boulder whizzed by, and smashed into a million pieces when it came to a tunnel at the end of the path.
They began to head for the tunnel, ready to see what lie ahead.
"Hey, mom, could you get me a glass of milk?"
"Moo," the cow said, swinging her head and nailing him right in the leg with one of her horns.
"Okay, okay – I'll shut up now."
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Well, one thing we learned from this chapter is that there's apparently something rather nasty about people with the plagas getting it on. But I'll leave what to your imaginations.
Eleanor, I know, a teensy weird sounding for a crazy Spanish chick, but I had that song so stuck in my head all night… And she'll probably have quite a role in this story. Just like the cow.
One thing that always bothered me was 'are they cows, or bulls'? They didn't appear to have udders, but having nothing but bulls wouldn't make a lot of sense, either – unless they were all vegans and only used them for labor…
And that farm dog, what is up with that? It doesn't seem to actually have eyes, and on top of that, it runs away from you, begins sniffing the ground and then stops moving completely, like he's sleeping. Does the ground have the same properties of a poppy field?
That's it for this week – next time I'll cover more ground, and more will happen. I've got to be off now, so leave me a review, and let me know what you think!