Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors

by Sariniste

Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Plus, how to improve your writing in ten easy lessons from the Shinigami Women's and Men's Associations.

4. Sousuke Aizen

Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors

Chapter 4 – Sousuke Aizen

A/N: Someone pointed out to me that a drabble is supposed to be 100 words, and all my chapters have been much longer than that. I will try to make them shorter in the future. I'm afraid this one is still too long. Sorry!

In response to the many reviewers who wondered: the numbers in the previous chapter that were written out in words were all made up. The ones written out with digits were true.

Credit goes again to Flare-Flare for her helpful review and this comic: flare-flare dot deviantart dot com/gallery/#/d38jez6 which inspired some of the lines in this chapter.

(Originally posted 7/13/12.)

XxXxXxX

Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,

I am not a rapist. I am in prison for treason and murder, not rape. My obsession is with power, not sex.

I manipulated Momo Hinamori into becoming infatuated with me simply because it was prudent to have a second-in-command who would not get suspicious when secret paperwork about illegal experiments with hollows fell out of my pocket or when the architectural diagrams of Las Noches were accidentally left out on my desk.

Orihime Inoue was my kidnapping victim, not my sex toy. See the paragraph above. Simply because she was the first female I was close to that I did not try to slaughter does not mean that I wanted to marry her and make her my Queen. I am immortal and have no desire for heirs.

I would never kidnap random high school girls named Brianna or Megan and force them to have sex with me. Ordinary humans hold no interest for me.

I touched Ichigo's heart during our battle to unnerve and provoke him, not because I am secretly gay and kinky.

I do not have an obsession with Byakuya Kuchiki.

I sang the romantic duet with Gin in the Bleach Musical because Rangiku was unavailable and because I was a nice guy (or at least pretending to be), not because I was in love with him. He was my minion. I knew for a hundred years that he was planning to kill me. I told him the secret weakness of Kyouka Suigetsu on purpose, just so that he would be able to pose a threat to me. I never make mistakes.

If I do, the plot is rearranged so that I do not. I have been controlling… er, have known Tite Kubo since the day he was born.

Sincerely,

Sousuke Aizen

P.S. Yes, being in prison is part of my plan. You will see. *smirks*