Chapter 4. The Broken Fragments

Scarlett, Rhett – April 1874, Atlanta

Alone and cold in her large soft bed, Scarlett couldn't fall asleep.

Last six months she had tried so hard to get her life back and to get a hold of her sadness after so many losses. Just one day, this day of all days, everything fell apart again. She couldn't stop tears from falling.

She knew her childish affection for Ashley had deeply hurt Rhett, and ruined her chance of happiness. But she had hoped against all hopes that Rhett had loved her for so long, he might find a way to forgive her, or at least give them a chance to start again. But, no, there was no sign he would.

Her thoughts journeyed back to the first time they met. Through all the years, how had she missed the signs that he had loved her all along, or if he indeed put a sign of his love somewhere she was too blind to see? There were times she thought, she believed, he loved her, but then there were more times he was either plain callous or flippant. He had never really declared his love. Sometimes she even felt he hated her more.

He rescued her from the burning of Atlanta, kissed her at Rough and Ready, then deserted her with four invalids, not knowing if she had a home to go to. When she desperately needed tax money, he humiliated her in the jail but offered no helps. In their marriage, there were more unhappy moments than she could count for. He had a passionate night with her, then went to Belle shamelessly. He took Bonnie for a three-month tour with no word for her. When he came home, "Cheer up, maybe you'll have a miscarriage!" He charmed Atlanta for the sake of Bonnie but pushed her down further where no reputation remained. After Bonnie, there was nothing left, he went straight to Belle's to forget or be soothed.

After the six month separation, how she had longed for his homecoming, same as she had the last time he left with Bonnie. But this time, even he knew she loved him, she received same insults and humiliation. Yes, he hated her! His love had worn out, but his bitterness remained. Thinking about her losses, her pain, and her bygone love, she felt hopeless.

…

Rhett did not stay in his bedroom for the night. He rested on the long sofa in the library.

He could not stay in his room, he didn't want to stay in this house, he shouldn't have returned.

It was too excruciating, the memories of his daughter were still floating in this dreadful house. He couldn't stop thinking about her and Scarlett. He thought he could stand those painful memories, but he could not. Every corner he turned, each room he entered, he could see Bonnie there, he wanted to see her near, and he expected to see her everywhere.

When he saw Wade and Ella, he was thinking of his Bonnie. Why? Bonnie was the one he loved the most and the dearest, but she was lost to him first. He loved Wade and Ella dearly, he knew it was not fair he begrudged their living and growing, but he couldn't control it.

When he saw Ashley and Scarlett together at the depot his rage came back, so did his feelings. It didn't matter whether Scarlett loved him or loved Ashley, he was forever wounded, the resentment wouldn't go away.

His uncontrollable emotions propelled him to seek refuge in a familiar place. Once he got there, he knew he shouldn't have been, and left in an hour. But the damage was done and the gossip was spread. Together with his thoughtless actions about his bank office, he knew he had only hurt Scarlett and the children again. He was not a gentleman, he was a scoundrel here.

He was surprised that Scarlett asked him again to take her with him. No, he couldn't risk his heart the third time. He couldn't imagine his life in Charleston with Scarlett in it. His life with his mother and sister was a life of dignity that he had just regained. His freedom to travel and to be solitary was the dream a wanderer sought after. Both were too precious to allow Scarlett to destroy them.

In Atlanta, Scarlett and the children were doing well, even better than the last time he left. Time and time again, Scarlett found a way to survive. They didn't need him in Atlanta.

He could not stay in Atlanta. This was no longer his home.

He remained awake through the night.

…

When the first sunlight shone through, Scarlett was awoken. Then, a soft sound of a door opening and closing was possibly from Rhett's room. Scarlett stayed in bed for a while, refusing to think or hope anymore.

She left the house without breakfast, heading to the store.

Later afternoon, she was sitting in her store office, almost had nothing to do. She was biding her time until supper.

A motion disturbed the quietness of the store when Wade and Ella rushed in, excited and laughing, followed by their stepfather with bags of toys, books, and clothes on his hands. He was seemingly cheerful too.

They had had lunch in the National hotel restaurant, ate too much of delicious food there, until their stomachs ached, the children told her happily. Thereafter, they went shopping for toys, books, and dresses. They were so thrilled that Uncle Rhett was with them around Atlanta. The last stop was their mother's store, Uncle Rhett wanted to buy something from their mother's store for them too, and then they would all go home together.

Scarlett was pleased that Atlanta saw her happy family, no matter how shallow and false it was. Unfortunately, she was the only one under-dressed among her family. If she had known she would have worn a better dressing gown than the plain dark blue dress she had on. Ella had a pretty pink and white flower dress to match her auburn curly hair. Wade wore a brown boy's outfit to go with his large brown eyes. Her husband had a light gray wool suit and white shirt that showed off his swarthy color.

After gathering what they had, the family of four was ready to go home. Rhett extended his hand to Scarlett, helping her into the carriage. His large hand firmly held her small one, an electric current passed between them. She stopped, still on the steps of the carriage, looking at Rhett with longing. His dark eyes looked at her puzzled, then he blinked and looked away.

The children sat opposite of Rhett and Scarlett, kept talking about their presents and shoppings. Rhett and Scarlett held on stiff smiling faces, listening to the children chatting. Scarlett felt a tremor running through her body as she sat so close to Rhett. When the carriage bumped and pushed them closer, neither moved away. They were silent, feeling of this rare closeness and waiting for the journey to end. Or Scarlett wished it would never end.

…

At the dinner table, the family continued their joyful conversation, all four joined in. The children chatted about their schools, Wade was proud of good test scores he received, while Ella told her parents that her paintings were displayed in the classroom. They talked about the teachers they liked the most but none of their classmates. Scarlett talked about what products children liked the most in the store. Rhett then added on what he would buy for children and women during his blockade running days.

They were all laughing and chatting. It had been a long time since they had such a nice family dinner together. Scarlett wished this would continue through the night, and Rhett would want to stay with her and the children.

Suddenly, Ella said. "Mamma, in the hotel today, we met a lady there, she has the same red hair as mine. She told me she likes my curly red hair and my pretty pink dress. She has a lot of red hairs, her hair is this big and bright red." She gestured, and she was thrilled that everyone stopped eating and talking and were looking at her. "And her red gown was so pretty."

The smile disappeared from Rhett's face instantly, he turned to Scarlett with a cautious look. Wade stopped eating and stared at his sister sternly.

Ella didn't notice the mood change in the room and continued. "She was really nice. I forgot her name. Uncle Rhett knows her."

Scarlett's face turned white and cold. Her hands were shaking, she dropped the knife and fork. She held her breath for a moment then spoke to her daughter. "Ella, finish your dinner and go to your room. Wade, you too. Both of you are tired today. You need to go to bed early. Tomorrow is a school day."

Once they finished their dinner, Scarlett was ready to follow the children out of the dining room. Rhett stopped her.

"Scarlett, we need to talk." He grabbed her arm, pulled her into the library, and closed the door.

Fighting off his hand, Scarlett stood in front of the window.

…

"Scarlett, it was not what it looks like," he said cautiously, his face showing no emotion.

"How does it look then? Great balls of fire! You invited Belle, that creature, to meet in the hotel, and drag my children with you. That's what it looks like! How could you?" Scarlett screamed. She turned toward him, and she wanted to scratch his swarthy face desperately to see if there was any feeling underneath.

"No. It was not as it seemed to be. It just happened she was there. I neither invited her nor told her I would bring the children to the hotel."

"No, I don't believe you! You are a liar, a scoundrel. This is scandalous, the whole Atlanta will know it. Everyone knows she is your mistress, even you never deny it. How dare you? How dare you humiliate me like that?" Her face was red, her green eyes were flashing, and her body was shaking. She was fighting to hold her temper and her tears.

He was staring at her, her rage surprised him again. He knew he couldn't get out of this by apologizing, she won't believe him. He had to turn the situation around. He did what he knew best.

"Mrs. Butler, shall we say you are not a saintly woman in the eyes of Atlanta," he retorted hastily. "How is your wooden-headed gentleman, Mr. Ashley Wilkes? Would it be the better for everyone's benefit for you to divorce me and marry him? Athens is not that far away."

"What about Ashley? Why do you have to bring up Ashley again? Haven't you had enough of my apologies for my misdeeds or are you just trying to blame me alone in this ruin of our marriage? I never denied my feeling for Ashley to you, you knew all along. But you have been more obsessive of him than I ever was, you constantly remind me of my childish affection, you never let it go, you never let me let him go. I told you how sorry I am for how I hurt you, and for my childish affection that was never real." She still could not control her rage and her pain.

"Don't be a fool, you have loved him your whole life. You are still young, you can still marry him if you and I get divorced." He wouldn't back down.

"What about Belle that creature? Are you going to marry her?" She wanted to fight back.

"Don't bring Belle into this. She is more kind-hearted than you ever were." He dismissed her without a second thought.

"Why not? Why shouldn't we talk about her? She has been in your life longer than I have, and she is equally present in our marriage or more so than Ashley ever was. Why can't I bring her up? Yes, you said it yourself, your whore, your mistress, has a better heart than your cold-hearted wife. After we got married, you said once that there were three people in our bed, you blamed me for thinking about Ashley, while you never blamed yourself for staying in her bed even after we got married." She saw that he wanted to explain, she stopped him and continued.

"I know, she was not good enough to be your wife, and I was not enough for your bed. You knew I was miserable about your relationship with her. Yes, you even told me she was a better investment than I was, and she was more soothing than I ever was." She had held her tongue on Belle for so long and she had to get her rage out.

"Don't stop me, Rhett! You said enough about Ashley, now it is my turn about your mistress. Yes, I did banish you from our bedroom. That was my fault. That was my downfall. It is my biggest regret to this day! But you did not fight, instead, you never came back to me, you stayed with her. You are a liar if you say you did so because you loved me." Tears appeared in her eyes, so did the shame.

"You said when I was sick, you stood outside my door, hoping I'd call for you. Do you know why, why I didn't? Because I couldn't bring myself to ask for you. I thought you didn't want me. I was not worthy of you! You went to her right after the night of Ashley's party, discarded me like one of your whores. You blamed me for the downfall of our marriage. But you never were a saint in this marriage either. You are unfaithful, even more than I ever was. You can't deny it, can you? I couldn't understand how you could have loved me when you stayed in your mistress's bed all of the time. Even this time you came back to keep the gossip down. What have you done? Why have you gone out of your way to humiliate me in front of my children, and the whole Atlanta? Haven't you done enough? Haven't you punished me enough? Do you plan to divorce me and marry her?" She was defiant, she was angry. All of the humiliation and pain was displayed on her youthful face.

"Stop talking about Belle, Scarlett. Do you want a divorce?" He avoided talking about Belle again. He never felt that Scarlett was entitled to know about Belle or even if she was interested in knowing about Belle, but he felt entitled to talk about Mr. Wilkes with Scarlett whenever the situation arose. There was a difference, he thought, he never loved Belle, while Scarlett had pinned for Ashley for all of her adult life.

Scarlett almost screamed, "No, I don't. You said you loved me so much, but your love wore out. I never understood you, I never did. Rhett, you are older than I am, you are a man of the world. You were my friend before we were married. You were supposed to help me and guide me through life, but no, you lied to me, and you never really told me you loved me. Yes, you might have told me twice, but each time you took it back. How could I know that you loved me? You probably only lust for me, like every other man on the street. Same as your lust for your mistress. If there was any difference in your love versus Ashley's love, I didn't see it, and I still don't see it. You confused me, you confuse yourself! You never talked to me as other people did; you spoke to me with mockery and riddles. I could never truly understand you. Now I know why."

"You said you would love me as gently and as tenderly as ever a man could love a woman if I loved you back. But you didn't get what you wanted from me, then you hated me. Yes, you hated me and hate me more than you have loved me." She stared into his black orbs, repeated herself again. Her green eyes were turbulent and willful.

"You said I would be so brutal to those who loved me, I'd take their love and hold it over their heads like a whip. Maybe I did. But you did it too, to me, and to others. You held your so called love over my head without telling me, you whipped me for I did not know. You don't even give me your kindness or show meager respect as your child's mother. After Bonnie's death, you ran to your mistress. You humiliated me and my children again and again." She held her tears and suppressed her sobs.

"I can't talk about Bonnie now. She was my child, I loved her dearly, you can't deny that Rhett! The memory of my daughter Bonnie shall not be tarnished by your mistress, a whore!" Her voice was shaking. She saw anger appear on Rhett's face when Bonnie's name was brought up, and she didn't want to ruin Bonnie's memory with this mess of a marriage too.

"It's just like you said, you don't give a damn for what I have been through, for what I have lost. You know I am the outcast of Atlanta society, my children are not welcome in many homes after you deserted us. You are gone, you can hide in your mother's house, but I have to stay. I struggle to repair my relationship with the Old Guard, try to survive here because I have to care for my children. And I have no place to escape to. While you come back, you bring shame to my children and me intentionally by consorting with Belle that creature again." She wavered her hands at him angrily, "You claimed to come to Atlanta to keep gossip down, instead you stirred it up. You mean to destroy my life, and whatever there is left of my reputation. Why, Rhett, why? Do you hate me that much? You still hate me even though I told you I love you. You are cruel Rhett, you are cruel!"

Her voice was trembling, her emotions were high. How had they come so far from being friends to husband and wife, to enemies trying to destroy each other? She was so exhausted she couldn't think, and she couldn't continue.

"I am tired. I am tired of this charade of our marriage. You are not the one to hold onto broken fragments, neither am I. I will not try to glue them together if you don't want to too. I never wanted to marry again after Frank died. Marriage was never fun for me." She looked at him with slanting eyes burning with rage. An unavoidable reality rushed through her. Would she sign the divorce paper? Could she go that far? She was not brave enough to be a divorcee. She only hoped he wouldn't force her.

"I didn't give you a choice, did I? I am sorry I forced you into this marriage you never wanted," he snapped bitterly.

"You are sorry, aren't you? I don't believe you, you never say sorry for anything." She was so dejected.

There was not much left of their marriage, except sorrow and hatred, both realized it and remained silent for a moment. Rhett felt he could not comfort her, then he had to change the subject.

Suddenly a weird smirk appeared on his face. He asked softly, "Scarlett, probably both you and I should feel sorry we ever met. Do you know what day it is today?"

She was puzzled by this swift turn of conversation. "No, I don't. The only thing I know now is that you will leave me, and likely you will leave tomorrow."

"Scarlett," he tried to hold onto his inner turmoil. "Do you remember thirteen years ago this day when we first met, in another library?" He thought back, Scarlett had walked into his hiding place, disturbed his peace ever since.

Her face lightened up with understanding, a mild smile appeared, and then a painful recollection. "Oh, I never understood why you came to the party that day. That was the day I made two eternal mistakes, I am still paying the price for them now!" Her emerald eyes filled with tears. She shook her head desolately and sat into an armchair.

"Scarlett, please listen to me. I don't hate you; I couldn't take it if you thought I hated you. I am sorry I forced you into marriage, a disastrous marriage. I am sorry, but I just can't come back as if nothing has happened. There are too many bad memories, and both you and I can't get over them. What we have been through has just confirmed that I am not a marrying man, I knew that then, both you and I know it now. I should have stayed that way." He avoided her stares.

Both were silent and tried to take in what all this meant to them, to their future.

She stood up, looking at him one more time. "Rhett, I love you, but honestly, I don't know what love is anymore. The only thing I know is that it is not enough for you." There was not much she could do or she would do. No, she would not let him humiliate her again and again. What did her love for him actually mean? How different was it from her obsession to Ashley all those years? Was it really worth more heartaches? She did not know.

She started walking out of the library. "There is no point for us talking anymore. You and I can't get through this. I just hope, if you ever come back to Atlanta, please consort with your mistress discretely. Or better, you take her with you to Charleston. At least, I don't have her or her girls humiliate me on the Atlanta streets anymore. Goodbye, Rhett! I will not see you again before you leave tomorrow. Goodnight."

This was the second day she walked out on him in her own home. Usually, he walked away from her. Last time, he walked out of this house and deserted her. This time might be the last for her and for him.

She didn't look back, didn't see that Rhett was staring at her back. The emptiness had gone from his face, his eyes were filled with admiration and farewell.

"Good night, Scarlett. And goodbye!" He murmured softly.

….

The next morning, a letter was left on the nightstand in her bedroom.

"Scarlett,

I am sorry for all the misery our marriage has brought to you. Likely you have reached the same conclusion that I had many months ago, that I am not a marrying man and we are not supposed to stay in this marriage. I will not see you again, but I hope to keep contact with Wade and Ella.

Goodbye, and take care of yourself,

Rhett"

He came into her room in the night, to bid his farewell.

AN: In GWTW, it seems, Rhett reasoned that his behaviors were caused by Scarlett' infatuation of Ashley, and never thought about those behaviors actually pushed Scarlett farther away. His rhetoric farewell in the end of GWTW lay all blames on Scarlett for their failed marriage. Here, I just give a chance to let Scarlett vent out her frustration too, even all was too late. Rhett was indifference (in the last chapter of GWTW) while she was screaming here, but the pain was all the same. Scarlett was a selfish belle anyway, so she thought about all from her point of view, indeed she entitled one, do you agree? The end of the "divorce" is near, as I defined in the story title, only if I can give you a plausible "ending".

While, this is a heavy and painful section, probably not many people like it. However, any comments/reviews are appreciated.

Thank you, as always, for reading and reviewing.