THE HUNGER GAMES: A PARODY OF THE HUNGER GAMES
By: Myself
Dedicated to: Katniss Everdeen
And Peeta
And Gale
And all those who died
And to you, my readers
And especially to my dead bunny
I miss you Cuddles!
This will only contain random things that will be weird
And it will not make sense
ENJOY!
Nothing too too monumental in this chapter, just a bit of random. Oh, yes, we learn that Katniss hates character development. i think it might be a bit because she's a bit out of there sometimes, wishy-washy-like. So enjoy, because I enjoy writing this. Read this and tell your friends, because friends are good, possibly one of my core values. Because.
Chapter 4: Capitol Crunchies
"Wake up! It's going to be a big big day!" I hear Effie Trinket yelling in my ear. "AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" she screams again, this time her voice squeaking. I jump out of my bed, inadvertently kicking Effie in the face. She giggles and jumps back. "It's time to get up and get ready! Today we have a full, full schedule! You see, we're going to be on the train all day, and we have several icebreaker games for you and Peeta to play!"
I grimace. "Peeta and I are going to be playing games? ALL DAY?"
Effie smiles. "What, did you put on too much makeup this morning?" I make no signal at all. She sits down on my bed and pats my head. "There, there, I know it is a challenging to be pulled out of your little safe world and thrust into the ultra-cool and intensely awesome Capitol, but hey – at least we've got food!" I smile, refreshed at the prospects of food. Effie smiles and stays on my bed. I feel a bit creeped out.
"Um... Effie?" I say.
"Hello, I'm Effie, and I want to be your friend!"
"Yeah, good for you. Get out of my room."
She leaves, and I start to dress myself. I decide to wear clothes. What a surprise! Sorry, that's unnecessary. I just wear plain clothes, nothing special, because I don't know what the weather is... did you get that joke? NO! Well, maybe I'll explain. You see, I was capitalizing on the literary technique of irony because, really, why would I have to worry about the weather on a train? Oh, I am so humorous sometimes!
Effie and Peeta are waiting for me in the eating train, where a table of 'succulent' dishes have been laid out. But the one problem is this: do you call dark coal covered in chocolate and sprinkles scrumptious? I don't know what district you're from, but in District 12, we mine coal; don't eat it. Anyone who eats coal is sent immediately to a doctor (my MOM!) and they are considered stupid. Aren't we all? You know, the fragile grips of sanity are rather difficult to grasp in a world torn in 14 (did I tell you about District 13? HAHAHA!). Sometimes I – Oh, sorry, I mustn't ramble or my story is going to be long. I don't even know what my story is yet, since I haven't entered the arena yet. And I'm still wondering how I'm going to be able to sneak this parchment into the Games. But I'm awesome. I'll just write on my hair in invisible ink – BECAUSE I CAN'T!
Other delicacies are: stewed cockroach, cat's tail (Prim would not like that), coloured bombs, and badly burnt toast. Effie Trinket digs in, while Peeta, who hates burnt toast (whoa, how do I know that?) walks away and comes back in two minutes with ten loaves of freshly-baked bread. Effie takes a bite and spits it out. "AAAHHHH!" she yells, the wig bobbing on her head. Instead of shouting "Hot, hot, HOT!" she yells "Fresh, fresh, FRESH!"
I grimace. "Effie, how stale is this food?"
She grins. "It's been here since my first Hunger Games, considering that no one ever wants it. Strange. It's SOOOOOOOOOO delicious!" She digs in greedily, attacking the food like she has never eaten before in her life. After chewing (CRUNCH CRUNCH!) and swallowing a chunk of coal, a large chunk appears in Effie's stomach. She grins and gives me thumbs up. I look and feel sick. Peeta smiles at me, saying:
"What's the problem Catnip? Feeling sick, Katy?" He grins like a little child and starts bobbing up and down, laughing. I slap him. He stops, getting the message. Should I tell you the story about the bread? No, not now. It's not the time, but maybe later. Instead, I dig into Peeta's bread. Effie laughs.
"YOU FOOLS! You actually thought this was real breakfast? Wow, you are probably some of the most gullible tributes I have ever seen!" She guffaws, spitting out a chunk of coal. I wish she would choke and die. Oh, yeah, I suppose that's a bit morbid. But, it's true. She comes and gives her speech every year, and sends two poor children to their death. She has only seen one District 12 tribute come back alive – and we know what has happened with him up to this point (DRUNK!). So, she obviously doesn't have happiness in her. Wait – my brain is sort of disjointed. I don't think I finished my previous thought... did I? Whatever, it doesn't matter because FOOD'S HERE! And suddenly I realize that this food is probably going to be delicious. Because there is an M logo. And I smell real food.
It's a strange thing called 'hamburger', something from the distant past when there was a fast food (what in a goat's name is THAT?) restaurant called MacDonald's. They had plastic tubes that children slid down and meals that included little doll-type plastic statues. What was wrong with those idiotic inhabitants of Earth? Bread and water is good! That is, until I bite into my hamburger – and I realize that hamburgers are probably the tastiest types of food in the whole of Panem (save ice cream. I've had it once, and boy, that's good). So I say thank you to Effie and run back into my room. I suddenly realize that character development is lacking in my pitiful narrative, so I decide to go talk to Peeta. He has black hair and glasses.
"Peeta Chow here!" he says in a Chinese accent and laughs. He must be doing one of his weird imitations, and I'm lost for words. So I tell him: "Peeta, calm down, I need to work on character development." So, he asks what I want to know about. We talk for a while. I can;t continue the character development, it's just too difficult. I want to cry, WAAAHHHH!
OK, that was a ridiculous thing to say. I'm sorry.
Haymitch talks with Peeta, and then with me. But I don't want to talk about that, since I don't want to develop Haymitch. Oh, that's hilarious. I'd better get ready, because I'm going to meet the other tributes tomorrow. Plus I'll meet stylists, apparently. I really want my stylist to be a guy called Joe, because that's so chill. Effie says she has a dog called Joe, but there are no stylists. Rats. Maybe I'll get one named Cinna...
Wow, Katniss is quite a mentally awesome person! She already knows she's going to get a stylist named Cinna? No, she doesn't. She might have written that in after to make her look smart. But the next few chapters are going to be good, as Katniss is going to do something dangerous with Caesar Flickerman and gasoline is in the building! The girl on fire is going to blazes as you continue to read - remember: read much, review often!