finally after getting over my writer's block, i managed to finish part 2 of cheepter 3! sometimes i like searching up weird stuff on twitter just to laugh at people who take crackfics, heck even trollfics seriously. its quite amusing i must admit.
now then, lets begin shall we!
Chrom and the Fishsticks
Cheepter 3: Establishing the Team Part 2
The second part of the cheepter starts off with none other than today's special guest, the Dragon Ball Z announcer. He holds the mircophone, getting ready to speak in his most dramatic voice ever.
"On the last episode of Chrom and the fishsticks, the Exalt hoped that his daughter's ruthless actions were in fact nothing but an dream however that proved to be false. As much as he hated it, he went over to the Temple of Souls to meet up with his nemesis Grima and his lovely wife. Through flashbacks of Robin's weird sex tactics to discussing the team, now the three embark off on an magic journey to establish... the team!" the announcer informed for disappearing away.
Rufure got into his fancy black Lamborghini Aventador, Chrom of course being made to sit in the back seat because the last thing he wanted was to get into the argument with the king himself and have him drive them off course. His wife took the passengers seat as everyone buckled up. The fell dragon manakete began backing out, turning up the radio as it played Talemono's "Overload" which of course disgusted Chrom. After all, he despised smug rich people who listened to hard electro music. So of course, the Ylissean king had the nerve to change the radio as it now played "Cooking by the Book" by Lazy Town featuring Little Jon.
"Chrom, what the fuck?!" Rufere complained, wondering what he even bothered changing the radio in the first place.
Before he could reply, Kynthia changed the radio station to one consisting of mainly New Wave which startled both men. Now the radio played "Eyes Without A Face" by Billy Idol.
"We aren't going to listen to any of your guys' options. In fact, GriGri, can we please listen to the New Wave station? Sometimes your blaring music gives me an headache," she stated.
Rufure frowned, being slightly miffed however gave into his wife's demands. After all, he didn't seem to mind New Wave either and plus, who didn't like great 80s hits playing.
Soon, they took off for the road, making their way towards Lake Seaside Dyre Dyre Hylia Hill Docks which is knowing simply as Seaside Hill in other fanfictions.
Little did Chrom and Grima know, they had another set of enemies who felt threatened by Chrom's business. These guys were the biggest, most richest people in the world owning the top of the top fast food franchises. An red headed clown looked at his fellow Fast Food companions as it displayed Chrom's business on the scream.
"Greetings fellow attendees, it appears we have an threat upon our hands," Ronald McDonald informed them. "Even though it may not appear like it, rumor has it those Exalted Fishsticks at Fishy Chrom's Fishsticks are proven to be the best in the entire world, even outdoing my glorious french fries!"
"How can that be possible?!" Burger King questioned, slamming his fists on the table. He couldn't believe it, an actual food from an local business that will outdo their might corporations.
"Just looking at that man's ill-decorated establishment is making me sick," said Wendy, making an gagging nose.
"I wonder how long will it be until he makes an second establishment?!" questioned Jack from you know, Jack in the Box.
"Akording to sources, Krom won't be able to maek money. The fishstiks of the world are gone," informed the famous Christain cow, Chik-fil-A Cow. He had an sign wrapped around him saying the famous 'Eat Moar Chikin' line.
"That's good however, there's another thing," said Papa John of Papa John's pizza. "He's trying to get them back!"
"How can he get them back if they took all of the fishsticks," exclaimed the Taco Bell dog in his stereotypical, racial stereotype Mexican accent obviously created by teh white ppl.
"Well, rumor has it he's establishing an team of some sorts, you know, the one that's like those ruffian terrorists from an year ago," answered Jared Fogle, you know, Jared from Subway.
"What?! I'm GOING TO MCFREAKIN LOSE IT HERE!" Ronald McDonald yelled, jumping on the table.
"Perhaps I could be of some help."
The fast foods turned around towards the source as it reveled an elegantly dressed elderly man who wore white. It was none other than Colonel Sanders himself, the guy who owns KFC. All of the fast foods gasped as they remembered his godly kamisama powers. He truly was the king of chicken and of course, managed to get married to the great Hylia herself, producing an certain someone who was on Chrom's side.
"Colonel, what do you suggest?" asked Wendy.
"Well, their little local establishment could use some real business," he stated. "In fact, while we try to stop this idiot king from obtaining his goal, let's open up additional fast food chains near the seaside there as well. That way, we will run him and his little friends... out of business."
Ronald McDonald grinned evilly as the group of menacing fast food heads laughed like maniacs.
The trio finally arrived at their destination as Rufure parked his car in the rich plaza which was heavily guarded. Chrom muttered something about stupid rich people when he got out as the two walked alongside one another. Kynthia seemed to be humming the tune to Peter Schlling's "Major Tom" as it was on during the car ride before they parked.
Soon, they arrived at the beach side outlet plaza which was filled with all of the local businesses. It was one of the many things the trio admired as it wasn't infested by any major corporations... for now.
"Don't you just love coming here," the goddess exclaimed, "It's really cute to see all of the various local businesses. People always go to chain owned shops but personally, I feel that you get your money's worth if you shop local."
"I agree," said Chrom. "It's better to support your local small businesses... unlike an certain FEELS dragon, " he added, making an snide remark towards Grima.
"Chrom, do you want me to help you or not!" the white haired man shot back, rolling his eyes.
"GriGri, Chrom, please stop acting like such children! If you want to get your fishsticks and newspapers back, you ought to learn how to get along right now. We're all God's children after all..." Kynthia informed them, which of course Chrom rolled his eyes.
"God isn't real!"
Kynthia gasped as Grima shot him an glare however, something tackled Chrom right as he just said that. There he was, the one and only lovable Riki as he heard what Chrom said about his holy savior.
"Riki HATE ATHEISTS! RIKI KILL CHROM!" the Nopon yelled.
The married couple watched the cute Nopon pounce furiously on Chrom before Rufure decided the Exalt had enough beating up for the day. An chuckle was heard behind them as everyone glanced over at the source.
"I see Chrom hasn't changed an bit."
It revealed none other than the famous jack of all trades, Dry Bowser himself! He appeared to be sipping on some lemonade he just purchased from Lilligant's Lemonade Stand.
"Oh if it isn't our old science teacher Dry Bowser," Rufure greeted, shaking hands with the dry man himself. "How do you fair on this fine day?"
"I'm doing good. Rumor has it that an lot of these local business owners are getting riled up about something. They recently mentioned an Wendy's being built near the food court here as everyone decided to flock to it for some reason, even though honestly why eat something you can easily get near your house if you're out here at Seaside?" the dry man explained.
"... That sounds awful," Kynthia replied, seeming kind of worried now. "First there's the whole kidnapping of fishsticks("Don't forget the newspapers honey!")... I was getting to that GriGri, please. Anyways, now it appears that major corporations discovered this location... ah geez, like I need to deal with that-!"
Before she could finish, they heard an loud explosion nearby as it appeared the recently built Wendy's exploded. This caused everyone to slightly jump, as it looked like it came from the food court near them!
"... We should go check that out!" Chrom suggested. Riki appeared to have gotten an special brew from none other than The Roost cafe as the Nopon happily took sips before following them since he had nothing else better to do.
Palutena seemed to be shopping with none other than Pit as Dark Pit and Lucas parted ways from them, going to the Hot Topic outlet. Shortly after, as they got closer, another explosion went off, startling the green haired goddess.
"What was that Lady Palutena?!" Pit questioned.
"Beats me. Either someone is angry because they were named something like Roger or there might be another evil presence coming up ahead Pit," she answered back. Glancing over, it revealed that the next place that got blown up was none other than HOT TOPIC! Dark Pit and Lucas froze, their jaws dropping as they couldn't believe it. Who would be horrible enough to even bomb their goth paradise out of all things!
"WHAT THE FUCK?!" yelled Dark Pit, being his classic, edgy now fourteen year old self.
"... Who the hell would seriously bomb Hot Topic out of all places? Aren't we done with this shit already?!" whined Lucas, sighing in disbelief. The two decided to go to Spencer's instead in the meantime of course, after getting some lemonade of course. After all, the drink was perfect for the hot weather.
As the couple left, another boy who looked around Pit's age watched them take off, cackling to himself.
"What kind of fucking morons even love Hot Topic?! I mean, fuck that store for crying outloud and fuck that edgy piece of shit for never inviting me into his club. Ha, like I'd join anythings," the mysterious punk thought to himself out loud. Yet, as he chuckled once more, he didn't notice an angry Pit behind him.
"So you're the evil demon who bombed Hot Topic?!" questioned the angel. "Why did you do it?! You know bombing places is illegal, just like how drinking hardcore Capri-sun is illegal."
"... People still drink Capri-sun?" the arrogant demon answered. It was none other than the prince of the Netherworld Laharl himself. He didn't seem amused as Pit somehow decided to cuff their arms together.
"What the fuck are you doing?" he retorted, questioning the angel.
"Keeping an eye on you! You're nothing but trouble and plus, Lady Palutena will get you too... right Lady Palutena?"
Pit turned around just to notice that his goddess took off, leaving him alone with Laharl.
CD-i Mario came out of nowhere as he owned the famous Toaster store. "You know what they say, all toasters toast toast!"
"Shut the fuck up," Laharl said, which of course, received an slap from the angel himself.
"Don't insult the wise CD-i Mario like that!"
The two boys began to quarrel with one another as the fat Mario sighed.
"It's been one of those days."
It turned out Morshu was the one who blew up the Wendy's as he returned to his beloved ice cream stand. Chrom felt like having some ice cream so he decided to rush over make an purchase. He took his debit card with him, leaving behind his wallet as it revealed an picture of Chrom posing with an fishstick.
Rufure informed Dry Bowser about the whole escapade that was currently going on to include Lucina joining the devious Yoshi and Co. to completely destroy Chrom's newest business, which was closed for the day due to his menu only being fishsticks.
Being rather curious, Dry Bowser decided to take an glimpse at his wallet photos as it revealed nothing but Chrom with either fishsticks, hedgehog ladies or both.
"Vanilla, Chocolate, Strawberry, you want it, it's yours my friend as long as you have enough rupees," Morshu greeted. Of course he felt on the edge when he saw the king, exchanging an few words with Fat Pikachu and Gay Piplup.
"Do you have Fishstick flavored ice cream?" Chrom asked, hoping that the fat man did.
"Mmmm no! In fact, aren't you that one guy who could possibly wipe out all businesses here at Seaside?" he brought up, questioning the indigo haired man.
"I just want to be friends!" Chrom whined. He really didn't need no more enemies. As he was about to walk away, Chrom noticed an sign which read "NO LANCIAS' ALLOWED." Realizing he could win his first local business partner and ally, he decided to bring up his favorite subject.
"That fucking feels dragon is nothing but pain, thinking he's better than average joe's like you and me because he's rich, drives an Lamborghini Aventador, is an big shot at Nasa and overall married an rich woman. It makes me sick," Chrom muttered.
"...You're talking about Grima, otherwise known as Rufure(or Reflet) Lancia right?" Morshu questioned, his tone going dark as he mentioned his last name.
"Yes! I can't stand him! He acts like he's better than everyone else and speaks down to people like us as if we're stupid!" the king replied, rambling on.
"Well, Lancias' are known for being extremely awful after all. I mean, look at them, talking over from the distance. Just watching them laugh makes me sick," Morshu said, eyeing both Kynthia and Rufure. Apparently they were talking with Shulk and Marth as well as they had planned to meet up at the local food court dubbed as The Stand. It consisted of delicious snacks and eateries consisting of Petey Piranha's Popcorn Parlor, The Soggy Pretzel, The Ocean Palace Burger Paradise, Roll's Chicken Stand, Lilligant's Lemonade Stand, the good ol' Krusty Krab, Waluigi's Taco Stand to even Dr. Ivo Robotnik's Tea Stand.
Before Chrom replied, right in front of him was the little 12-month old Marc as they stared at one another. The young toddler had an pacifier in his mouth, holding onto his Skitty plush in his right hand while in his left hand, appeared to be holding an lighter?
"Oh gods, it's the demon child!" Chrom gasped.
Morshu had to quickly use his wits, knowing that Baby Marc having an lighter was extremely bad news. He knew that child was none other than an dreaded Lancia, even if his mother took on the Daraen last name. Some say as if he was Maggie Simpson brought to life, seeing how she isn't afraid to shoot down or hurt people. Soon, he noticed his trusty rope on the side of the corner as he grabbed it, striking an pose like Indiana Jones himself!
"Rope!" he said, creating an lasso as he manage to grab the lighter out of the young child's hands however, Baby Marc fell down and like all babies, began crying. Chrom and Morshu high-fived one another, not realizing an dark, purple energy behind them as it was none other than Morshu's greatest nemesis, Cia Lancia Daraen herself.
"What did you do to my little angel?!" she asked darkly, almost getting ready to start an Stand herself, an Jojo's Bizarre Adventure style Stand of course. Morshu of course, rolled his eyes in response while Fat Pikachu shook his head. Meanwhile, Gay Piplup felt awful for his friend's behavior so he rushed over to comfort the small child, even handing him some free, soft served frozen yogurt.
"Your "angel" literally almost decided to set the food court on fire!" Morshu replied, giving her lip. Even if she changed and wasn't goth anymore, he still hated her. After all, there were some things that could never be amended which included the death of his beloved mother.
"I told you that baby is evil!" Chrom added, siding with Morshu.
Cia rolled her eyes as she wiped off Morgan's face which was full of butter from Petey Piranha's popcorn. Robin made his way over towards his wife, pushing the stroller as little Ravio looked around. He handed his wife an soft drink from the place as she slurped on it. As they argued, Relicanth made his way through, pushing his cart of his famous soggy pretzel's.
"As for someone who made an new eatery establishment, you sure don't treat potential customers politely," he stated. He still seemed an bit bitter that Chrom wasn't afraid to talk about his love of fish sticks, hell, eat them right in front of him as the Pokemon was an fish himself.
"Chrom does whatever he wants, whether it's chrome things or twerking," he said, thrusting his hips. Robin just cringed as he shook his head.
Kynthia wondered what was even taking the king so long to order some ice cream out of all things. She got up and made her way toward's the parlor, just to see her grandson's eyes red from crying his little heart out. Marc was calm now, seeing how he had an messy face as he was nomming on the soft served yogurt Gay Piplup handed him.
She rushed over to her grandchild and wiped his face with an handkerchief as she picked him up and held him before glaring at Chrom and Morshu. She already knew who was behind this as she was still upset at Cia for disobeying her orders by going to the Forbidden Timeline an year ago. So now she had an enemy who hated her even though it was all Cia's fault.
"Chrom, instead of arguing with my daughter and son-in-law with that shopkeeper you should be helping us find team members!" she scolded him. "Don't make me take out the holy water on you!"
Cia rolled her eyes, finding her overbearing mother to be an pain sometimes. That was one thing that both Cia and Morshu could agree on was that Kynthia needed less of Vitamin Church and more of keeping her religious views to herself.
"Aren't you better off at eating at an shitty establishment like Chik-fil-A or something?" Morshu asked, hating how Chik-fil-A supported those who were against hunks like Gay Piplup.
"Just because I'm religious doesn't mean I hate people, geez. I don't eat from food establishments that take God's words wrong and make homophobic statements and actions thank you very much," she said, getting offended. Soon however, she heard an laughter behind her as it was none other than the Gerudo King himself, Ganondorf, who secretly was an weeaboo.
"Well, well, well looks like God's Girl is speaking of an non-existent prophet," he said, taunting her. Grima of course rushed over as Dry Bowser noticed something. Minus the younger crowd and Morshu, this was almost like watching over an adult field trip. He sighed as he somehow managed to get everyone to stop acting like children. It was almost becoming science class all over again.
Shulk and Marth just watched as they observed the adults acting like children. It was sad to watch Dry Bowser have to even go low like that.
Palutena came out of Victoria's Secret as she ran into none other than Phosphora who had just came out of the American Eagle Outlet. They made eye contact with one another before waving. After the whole ordeal with the groups, the former goddess group realized they were all being childish with one another so thus, made up. It sickened bad guys like Icarus before he was arrested by CIA and thus taken to Guantanamo Bay.
"Hey Palutena! Didn't expect to see you here!" the blonde deity greeted!
"The same can go for you! Apparently there's been an lot of explosions going off today," she exclaimed.
Shortly after, Toadette noticed the two girls as she rushed over, greeting them. She just came out of Mummipokey's Artifact Base.
"Say, when did Seaside recently get places like Victoria's Secret and American Eagle anyways?" questioned Toadette.
"I honestly don't know but it's like it just happened over night," answered the goddess.
"I find it great! Finally, this place is becoming more fashionable and upscale!" said Phosphora.
"But.. but guys, if more places keep coming, then the local businesses will be swept away! That's not good at all!" Toadette exclaimed, not wanting these small guys to get dominated by bigger corporations. "Rumor has it they're even planning on building an mall next to this already established outlet mall which came out of nowhere!"
"A mall? Sweet!" Phosphora beamed, fist pumping. Palutena finally was able to understand why it made Toadette upset, yet grew concerned. She loved all of these local businesses and had fun talking to their owners. The last thing the Goddess of Light wanted to see was them out on the streets. Soon, her stomached growled as she realized she forgot to eat breakfast this morning.
"Say, anyone hungry?" she asked.
"I am!"
"Me too!"
The three girls made their way towards the stand to get either some chicken, soggy pretzels, burgers, you name it!
"Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay!"
Ness went on for ten minutes as Pit tried to get the demon to confess why he blew up Hot Topic in the first place. Even if the angel knew that store was garbage his younger twin loved it. He didn't like anyone hurting Pittoo or anything he adored so he wanted to get back at Laharl, even if it means enduring Ness's Okeys forever.
Soon, the blue haired prince began growing an massive headache as if he couldn't take it anymore.
"Okay, okay! I give up!" he screeched. Laharl made an mental note to add the Onett boy's taunt to the list of irritating weaknesses as he finally confessed why he blew up Hot Topic. He admit it was an shitty store and just wanted to see it done and over with.
Pit wasn't impressed as he kept the demon locked onto him as he decided to get some popcorn with Ness, dragging Laharl with them whether he liked it or not. They passed by an strange store as Ness glanced over.
"Build A My-Unit? That's new!" he said, staring.
"Isn't it neat, nya ha ha!" It revealed none other than Henry the Mage and his hot boyfriend Roben, the Robin clone.
"In fact, that is how I was made," said Roben. "This place is create for making boyfriends, heck if you want to give birth to said unit too, they can just inject you with this serum. Any gender applies as it has endless boundaries. Heck, you can customize the unit based on height, face, hair color and hair style. Pretty cool huh?"
"That is kind of neat," said Ness. He know knew why Robin was personally creeped out by Roben now.
Back at the food court, the tension finally died down as the majority of Chrom's group so far huddled over to check out Kynthia's grandchildren. Even Rufure was playing with them, which scared the Exalt. He hated seeing Grima so happy because in his eyes, the fell dragon deserved to be dead. Dry Bowser looked at him, sighing.
"Chrom, I've heard what happened to your business," he said.
"Really?! Isn't it awful!" he exclaimed back.
"Of course but I have an good feeling why Lucina might have confiscated all of the fishsticks in the world." With those words, he took out Chrom's wallet, revealing the pictures he had. Chrom didn't know where his former science teacher was going with this. Next, he took out Grima's wallet as he revealed the pictures as it consisted of his wife, daughters back when they were younger to include Shia, heck even his grandchildren.
"What is wrong here?" Dry Bowser asked, hoping that Chrom at least would catch on.
"Well, feels dragon doesn't know how to have fun, that's what!" he replied bitterly.
"Wrong! Lucina feels neglected. She feels that you value chrome, hedgehogs and fishsticks over her, your son and even your ex-wife. Grima on the other hand, as much as you despise him and the damage he's done to Ylisse in the past, he cares for his family. He talks about them with pride and joy every time someone brings them up. Lucina feels that you're not proud of her, thus her actions," he thoroughly explained.
"I see..."
Before Chrom could reply, they were none other met up with Palutena, Phosphora and Toadette on one side and Ness, Pit and the new face which was Laharl on the other. Dry Bowser got up, making his leave before an older man with wacky white hair showed up. It was none other than Doc Brown from Back to the Future, otherwise known as the creator of first time machine which is built out of his DeLorean sports car.
"Doc Brown, what are you doing here?" asked the dry man.
"Well, I heard Chrom could use some help. So of course, I will assist him and his Fishsticks."
"Fishsticks...?"
"We are now... Chrom and the Fishsticks!" the king declared, recieving an couple of groans. Meanwhile those like Pit, Ness, Shulk and Marth were kind enough to at least support him. Doc Brown was neutral about the name.
"So, this group I'm now stuck in has some idiot king, an used to be cool fell dragon who now complains too much due giving up his evil ways, an big boobed goddess, an teeny bopper goddess, an fat goddess, some mushroom, the fucking okey kid, an desert weeaboo, that guy from the 80s film, the shitty director, an Christian furby, the overrated actor and this fucking annoying angel," Laharl complained. He wished Flonne, Etna, anyone would show up and come to his rescue at some point.
Noticing that he was an demon, thus possibly part of Satan's Legions, Kynthia threw holy water at Laharl as he screeched.
"Repent sinner!" she yelled. She was no different than Libra who always holy watered her husband every chance he got. Soon after, they all realized they could use some food.
"Hey, where should we get food from?" asked Pit.
"Well, there's this new chicken place that just opened up, perhaps we can try out Roll's Chicken Stand," suggested Phosphora. Every nodded as they wanted to support Roll's local business.
"Hearing about these local businesses almost makes me want to run my own," Kynthia exclaimed, "But I honestly don't know what I'll even do."
"How about no," said Laharl who regained his senses.
"Let's get an couple of family dinner deals!" suggested Chrom.
"Oh get spicy!" said Ganondorf.
"No! Mild! I can't handle spicy!" Kynthia whined. Ganondorf looked at her, shaking his head.
"White people," Ganondorf muttered under his breath.
As the newly established groups argued over chicken flavors while Dry Bowser and the Daraen family watched, ittle did they know, Chrom and his Fishsticks had attracted their very first enemy as he glared behind his taco stand.
Waluigi wanted to mess with Chrom.
thats it!
in the next chapter, it will be the first battle against waluigi and his tacos! will chrom prevail, will he even get his allies to work or does dry bowser need to baby sit them seeing how six of the members are in fact, his former high school students.
note that if youre going an group fic and want to use this au team, just abbreviate them as CatF Chrom for example, seeing how it will help you differ from the chrom in say the htk vs the one from this fic. same with htk cia differing from catf cia, you get the hint.
heres the team roster for those who need an refresher
Chrom and the Fishsticks roster
Chrom [Leader]
Rufure aka the fell dragon Grima
Kynthia [Grima literally wouldn't join unless his wife is in the group]
Shulk
Marth
Palutena
Pit
Phosphora
Ganondorf [He is an closet weeaboo]
Ness [likes to say Okay a lot]
Laharl
Doc Brown [aka that guy from Back to the Future!]
Riki
Toadette
and also i love all the ideas! they are definitely going to universal with the help of an certain hare sometime in the future. after all, its chroms wacky journey to get fishsticks(and newspapers) back!
should any other wacky object be confiscated by the evil yoshi and co. as well? if so, suggest it please!