. . . . . . .
They were in his room with the stereo on—Derek at the computer because of a spreadsheet project due in Business. (Although, he was only half-assed working on it while, alternately, surfing the Internet).
Casey had turned his bed into a roadmap of her honors thesis—books on top of folders, color coded sticky notes on top of those. To Derek, it looked like she was checking the pieces of her paper off of a list.
Occasionally he would purposely flick a sunflower seed shell hard enough to dislodge one of her obsessively neat piles.
"Der-rek!"
"Okay! Okay! That was the last one, Case, I swear."
She narrowed her eyes at him so he faked that he was once again intent on the spreadsheet. As soon as she looked down, he spit another shell into his palm and got it lined up on his thumbnail to fire.
"What are you guys doing?" Lizzie was at the door with a book in her hand and a puzzled look on her face. "Derek, are you getting ready to flick that at Casey?"
Casey's head whipped around. "Der-rek!"
Crap! Derek closed his hand over his thumb. "Don't you have somewhere to be Lizzie? I think I hear Nora calling you."
Lizzie ignored him. "Why are you guys always studying together now?"
Casey appeared to be holding her breath so Derek figured he was going to have to take the reins here. "Gee, I don't know Liz. Maybe because high school has this sort of annoying tradition called homework. Don't they give you homework in second grade?"
Lizzie was always inexplicably immune to the crap he dished. Once again she seemed completely unruffled by his sarcasm and Derek wondered at the difference between his two step-sisters. "I'm not asking about the homework part; I meant the together part. Why are you guys always together now?" Well, at least she did have that annoying McDonald persistence to her.
"We're hanging out. What's the big deal? Beat it! This is big kids time, okay?" Derek forced his eyes back on the computer screen and hoped she would be gone when he chance another glance up.
He could hear Lizzie's exasperated sigh. "Casey?"
Casey made a little squeak noise. Derek rubbed at his face with one hand and looked back into the room. Casey looked like she just got poked with a cattle prod.
Her voice was a squeak, "Lizzie would you rather we weren't getting along like always—like we always were before, I mean?"
Derek rubbed at his face again. Casey's voice was all off—too high—obviously guilty.
"Before what?" Lizzie deadpanned.
Derek was up out of his chair and crossing the room. "Okay. That's enough with the twenty questions Liz. Casey and I have stuff to do. Bu-bye." He closed the door on his stepsister and then turned to sag against the door.
Casey was staring at him with her eyebrows climbing to her hairline. She looked like she was maybe going to cry or get sick. Derek felt exactly the same. "So one more time…we really want to do this. Right?"
Because this made Casey look even more upset he quickly clarified—"Not," he gestured between them, "this." Then he made a motion at the door behind him, "This—them. Are we sure about telling them?"
"I knew what you meant." Casey's voice was still high and uncertain. "Ug…" Casey dropped her head into her hands and heaved a tremulous sigh.
Derek walked over to her with his hands in his pockets. She was crying. He hated when anyone got emotional like this, but he especially hated her tears. "Casey," he whispered but he made no move to hold her or comfort her. There was something about Casey's tears in particular that always effected him—after all, her tears had moved him to call her asshole father back from the airport and even to cancel his own trip to Spain. He hated that there wasn't anything he could really do about these particular tears though. She was going to just have to suffer through this with him.
"I'm okay," Casey said from behind her hands. "I'm not chickening out."
"That's good," Derek crouched down in front of her and pulled her hands from her face. Her eyes and nose were red and her cheeks were wet. He smirked at her. Then he grabbed at her hair and pulled her in for a rough kiss, his lips smashing against hers until she started to respond.
He wasn't sure what he meant by the kiss. Maybe he just wanted to distract her because he couldn't really solve the situation they were pulling each other deeper and deeper into. Derek knew it would probably only get worse for them as they exposed more and more of what they had become to each other. One thing he was certain of was that the deeper they got into this, the more he was committed to it. He wanted this relationship with Casey more than he had ever wanted anything.
Hockey victories, admiration, attention –all gave him an intense rush that he had also craved when he went out with girls. Getting them, then getting them to go as far as he could…that same surge of victory. It was all he used to expect in a relationship with a girl. But, this thing with Casey was completely different. At first there was that challenge—getting her—that he had fantasized about. But it was a challenge that burned for years instead of the usual days or weeks it took to get a girl he wanted. Then there was the fact of their family connection. It wasn't the girl holding him off; instead he was holding himself off. She was his stepsister. He knew he should be thinking of her the same way he thought about Lizzie or Marti, so the challenge had been to reign himself in, not to get the girl.
Casey had started to occupy this strange grey area in his life—not quite a sister and not quite a friend. What was impossible to explain to anyone was how her being his stepsister had actually contributed to the depth of his feeling for her. He held his real self off from everyone so effectively that it took her literally living with him to see through the bullshit he fronted to everyone else.
Casey moaned against his mouth. He gripped her tighter and pulled her onto the floor beside him. She already had her hands inside his shirt and her eyes closed, lips pressed to his neck.
"I don't think we'll have time for this, Case. Dinner will be ready…Oh Man…" his voice turned into a rasp as her hands moved lower. Derek pushed her to her back and moved on top of her. His hands were undoing her jeans when they heard Nora call everyone to the table.
Casey whimpered in disappointment beneath him. He got off of her and worked to catch his breath.
"Okay?" he asked her and pulled her up with him when he stood. He had his hands on her shoulders. Damn she looked a little freaked about leaving the "safety" of his room. Mind-boggling when he thought about how much at home they both were with her in his space. "Listen, if you start to get all freaky about things down there just let me take over, Okay?"
She nodded at him and wiped at her face.
. . . . .
After dinner, Casey made Derek print out the spread sheet for Business so she could check it over. They both had a quiz in Math to cram for too so they were sitting in the kitchen to "stay focused".
Casey tried to ignore the looks she was getting from Lizzie and Edwin. Both their younger siblings found a lot of reasons to keep tabs on them. Edwin came in for a bag of chips, a carrot, a piece of cheese, a cookie and three separate glasses of milk. Lizzie washed her hands four times and blew her nose on a paper towel twice. She and Derek ignored them.
The two of them sat on the same side of the island, a little closer than they would have before. Derek was still being somewhat of his usual Derek self.
"Case, let me compare what we got on last week's homework."
"You didn't do last week's homework."
"Okay but that stuff is going to be on the quiz, right?"
"You aren't going to learn to do it in one night, Derek."
"Wanna bet?"
"No."
He poked her in the side with his pencil when she wouldn't relinquish her notebook.
"You two have been getting along better." Nora had been watching them from the laundry room doorway with a basket of clothes in her arms. She had a strange look on her face that made Casey think of Lizzie's expression up in Derek's room.
"Mom, I was just attacked with a pencil, did you not see that?"
"Casey is trying to make me flunk the quiz tomorrow."
Casey rolled her eyes at him and he poked her again. She whipped the pencil from his hand. "Okay, here are the notes. I circled the things that…"
Her throat went dry when she noticed that her mother was still staring at them with that same thoughtfully suspicious look on her face. Normally Nora would have given them an eye roll or and exasperated sigh and wandered away again.
"Mom?" Casey asked. "Is something wrong?" She kicked at Derek's leg when she said it because this so definitely fell in the "things getting freaky" area he had promised to help her out of. All her gesture did was make it worse, though. Derek popped up in his seat and instantly changed from obnoxious to wholly inappropriately protective.
"Casey's just helping me not lose my hockey scholarship before I even have it," he said in all seriousness. Wrong thing to say, because it was far more complimentary of Casey than anything he had ever said in front of her mother before. Then there was the way he put his hand on her shoulder to turn her away from her mother's stare and back to the spreadsheet. Obviously he was blocking for her.
When Casey looked back to her mother, Nora had a frown on her face before walking back into the laundry room. Casey's hands were shaking when she gave the pencil back to Derek. They worked in silence for a while longer.
Finally, "That's enough for now," Derek said softly. Casey didn't think he meant anything about the homework they were doing. "You stay down here to finish," he added to her. Before he stood up he ran one finger slowly across the side of her hand. It was the most affection he could risk with the atmosphere as charged with suspicion about them as it was.
She nodded without looking up from her work.
After he had been gone a while, Nora came back in and sat down across from Casey. "Hey, Mom," she said in the most carefree voice she could muster.
"Hi Honey." Nora fiddled with the edge of the spreadsheet Derek had left behind. She cleared her throat and raised her eyebrows in the way she always did when she was trying to be very careful about what she was going to say. "Casey, I don't think I've really had the chance to talk to you since the big breakup with Max. How are you handling everything?"
Casey tried for a cheerful voice, "Fine, Mom." She cringed a little and decided that cheerful was too obviously disingenuous. "I think that I made the right decision. Max is a great guy but just not the right guy for me," she added more soberly.
Nora nodded thoughtfully, "Is there someone else that you think might fit that description better?" Casey could feel that her face was bright red. Her mother had to know there was something she was hiding. She wanted so bad to confess everything because she hated keeping a secret this huge from her mother. At the same time she knew that simply spilling it all before her mom would be the same as asking for permission—she had a bad feeling that her mother wasn't likely to throw her arms around her and congratulate the two of them on finally casting aside the impossible expectations placed upon them to bond as siblings.
"Someone else?" she managed to choke out. After Casey cleared her throat she was more composed. "Mom, I can tell you—honestly—that when I broke things off with Max I did it for myself and not for another guy." Oh God the tears were right there in her throat and making her nose tingle. "I'm not a cheerleader or a popular girl, Mom. I lost track of who I was…"
Her mother was frowning and pensive while she spoke. Finally she interrupted, "I just see you and Derek together a lot last week and it seem that you two are getting even closer…" the disapproval was blatant in her mother's tone and voice.
Casey was in full-blown panic "Mom—Derek's been really great about this decision I made." Nora raised her eyebrows. Casey ignored her, "He was the one who sort of gave me the idea to change back to myself…and he's been supportive of me…" Oh God she couldn't possibly continue on that path of reasoning without actually bursting into flames from the guilt she was feeling.
Her mother's mouth was a grim line and she nodded without looking at her, "I'm glad that Derek is being supportive of you. I really am." When her mother met Casey's eyes the look on Nora's face was about as opposite of "glad" as Casey had ever seen it.
Casey knew her eyes were wide with anxiety as she waited for whatever terrible thing her mother was going to say. She felt like she and Derek had braced themselves for all kinds of accusations of incest and rants about disappointment. Derek had practically rehearsed her for this exact kind of situation.
"Please tell me that if Nora waylays you with a big speech about being a responsible daughter…"
"I know. I know. .."
"Because you are very responsible, Case. Don't let her do a number on you…"
"Derek! Jeez you make her sound evil or something. She worries about me…I don't think it's unreasonable that she expects things from me. I expect things from myself too…"
"Okay stop right there. See? You're doing it to yourself! You don't even need Nora to lay on the guilt."
She had pouted and he had glared. "Just stay strong. Okay, Case? Don't let our family get between us, Okay?"
"That won't happen."
Now, with her mother sitting hard-eyed in front of her, she felt as weak and wishy-washy as Derek had predicted she would.
"Listen Casey, I know teenage years are hard. Especially with all the changes you've had to experience since high school. Maybe I haven't always been such a great mother with a new husband and new job of my own to get preoccupied with…"
"No, don't say that, Mom. You've done a good job. I've been happy with you so happy…"
Her mother grasped her hand and gave her a little smile of thanks. "I just don't want to see you throw away a bright future…"
What the hell?
"I know you've had something of an identity crisis…but I would hate for you to just start to slack on all your dreams because you feel a little uncertain about what you want."
"I'm not slacking, Mom." Casey's confusion must have been plain on her face as it was in her voice.
"Well, maybe you aren't right now…" Nora's face was gentle like she was explaining something to the little girl that Casey had once been long ago. "But things can slide out of our control easily even when we don't mean them to. I just wouldn't want you to get involved with someone who would lead you even further from your goals than Max did."
Casey was starting to feel something harden inside her stomach. There was nothing wishy-washy inside of her anymore. Was this the problem her mother was having at the prospect that she and Derek might be developing a relationship? That he wasn't good enough for her?! God! "I'm not leaving behind my goals." Her voice was as indifferent as it might be to a stranger.
Her mother patted her hand. "I'm glad to hear it, Casey." Her mother kissed her forehead before she walked away and Casey felt like she might throw-up. The tears had changed from guilt to rage. Casey hurriedly piled together all her and Derek's books and papers and raced towards the stairs. She didn't want to break down in front of anyone.
. . . . . . .
Derek lay flat on his back on the bed, headphones on and the music full blast. Casey was upset as shit since the talk with Nora but she wouldn't tell him anything about it.
His dad was still awake downstairs and walking around—pacing—which meant he was working on a little speech of his own. Derek wished George would just muster the balls to say whatever it was he had to say, get it off his chest and go the fuck to bed. Meanwhile, Derek couldn't do anything about whatever Casey was going through. And probably couldn't do anything about it once he could get to her. Goddamn Nora must have gone for the big guns and used the I word—incest—Derek had thought he had Casey prepped for this but apparently not. He rubbed at his face with both hands.
They weren't going to outright forbid them to be together were they? They wouldn't send Casey to live with her dad or pack him off to his mother in Spain after-all? Crap! Crap! Crap! They should have kept it a secret! He was an idiot to act so glib about the whole thing.
"Screw everyone. We're not going to hide—that's like saying we're ashamed. I'm not ashamed. Are you?" The first few days of their coming together seemed to take place in a blur of nakedness and passion. In between all the lovemaking were the confessions—the "I never really hated when you did that" and "I always secretly liked this about you" stuff—and also the worries and fears.
"Ashamed? Of us?! Of course not! But I just worry about our parents. I feel like it will hurt my mom…" Casey had sighed against his chest and the feeling of her breath against his skin made him instantly hard again. He took a big breath of his own and tried to focus on what she was saying. "I just don't want to disappoint anyone."
"Well, you can forget that wish, Case. Our parents will be disappointed—that's a given. They wanted us to all move in together and be instant siblings." He gripped her against him because these conversations always made him feel like their parents were going to barge in and literally rip her from his arms. "Anyway…" He gave up on ignoring what his body was screaming for and started kissing a path down her neck. "They never asked our permission so we won't ask theirs."
When his dad came into his room Derek didn't try to hide that he'd been waiting for him. He pulled off the headphones and sat up, "Well, Lets hear it, Dad."
"I just want to know that you are aware of what you're doing here, Derek." His dad crossed his arms in front of his chest and stared at him pointedly.
"Is that it?"
"No, that isn't it!" George let his arms drop and his voice rasp in irritation. "I think we've all worked really hard to make this a home and a family—especially Nora and I. You are jeopardizing everyone's happiness with your recklessness here, Derek."
Derek sprang from the bed to face his father, "What?! How do you figure that, Dad?"
"Everything is just fun and games to you, Derek. Taking advantage of your step-sister when she is feeling vulnerable is maybe a little too manipulative—even for you."
Derek's jaw hurt from how tight he clenched it. Don't freak out on him. Don't freak out. "I'm not taking advantage of anyone."
"You know, Derek, I've never liked how you treat the girls you date. We've had more than one girl on the phone crying because you won't take her calls. I've gotten angry calls from other parents –that girl Beth was completely heartbroken. She even made it seem like you had…"
"We talked about this already. She admitted that everything was consensual. She was just pissed I wouldn't be her boyfriend." But he wasn't going to get sidetracked into defending himself. "Beth has nothing to do with this."
"No?" His dad's face was getting a little red. They were both angry and hoarse—yelling without yelling because of Casey's room next door. "and what about when you decide you don't want to be Casey's boyfriend? How do you think that will make everyone in this house feel?"
"That's not going to happen."
"Right," his father huffed. The look of disgust on his face made Derek wince.
"Well, you've said your piece." He needed his dad out of his room. Now. Things were going to get really ugly—Jerry Springer ugly—if they didn't separate ASAP.
"Yeah I guess I have," his dad finally spit out. "You watch yourself, Derek." When the door closed behind him it felt like the absolute last minute that Derek could have held back from completely losing it. He rubbed at his face and realized he was shaking. That went just great. Fuck him!
That thing with Beth was nothing but bullshit and his dad knew it. The girl had claimed to just be interested in the sex. That had worked out perfectly with him until he had realized that she was still nursing the belief that it would work into something more. It had been an instant wet blanket to Derek's interest in her and he had ended things. She tried to get back at him by claiming that he had "stolen her innocence" in something akin to repeated bouts of date rape.
He had actually ended up feeling sorry for Beth when she had fessed up to both his dad and hers—he had been caught in plenty of lies himself so he knew the pain of "facing the music" so to speak.
After he heard his dad's angry steps retreat to the basement Derek bolted over to Casey's room.
It was dark inside and she was just a silent form in the bed, "You awake?"
"Yeah." She sat up a little and scooted over to make room for him.
He came in and lay down beside her. "Well, that sucked."
"It really did," she whispered back to him.
He put his arms around her and she snuggled into him. "Sleep here tonight," she told him. She was soft and warm in his arms and he was exhausted in every way he could be. His eyes were drifting close—losing the power to stay open any longer.
"I was going to," he said kissing her hair.
. . . .