Normally, when you talk to people who dress as the other gender, you call them by their preferred gender, but I never know whether Lea's preference is totally female. It's maddening. And the worst part about it is...
I can't ask.
Just before Lea whisked Roxas away to Imperial City or wherever the fuck they went, heshe took off that stupid skirt and went nuts at Marluxia. In that moment, heshe had this completely male persona – Axel, was the name Marluxia heard, and it was implied that he was completely male. Sometimes I think it was just a dream, because usually it's more vivid than a regular memory. There are times I decide to forget it completely, and I just sort of parted ways with Marluxia.
I don't think Lea wants Roxas to know. I wouldn't want Roxas to know, if it was the other way around. Roxas, for some reason, puts a huge emphasis on friendship. It's fucking weird, because he never shows it, and he's a total asshole to pretty much everyone – purposely or not –, but he'd be upset if he knew Lea was the knife through the rope binding me to Marluxia. He's big on friendship, but he doesn't understand it very well.
Marluxia got the message, I guess, but 'Axel' came out of the thing with a dislocated shoulder. 'He' swore me to secrecy, and I never saw Axel or Lea again. I was never sure whether to be grateful for Axel's help or not; on the one hand, I was free. On the other hand, I was lost. Sure, he'd ended up hitting me, during that gigantic argument – but my life, after the Mom/Riku/Sora/Kairi fiasco, had revolved around Marluxia in one form or another. First it was our friendship, then it was our enmity. I may have hated him, but I needed him, and 'Axel' made it impossible for me to have what I needed.
I don't even know why Lea decided to do that. We'd never been close. Or even friends. I think heshe had a score to settle with Marluxia – it had nothing to do with me, personally. What I'll never tell anyone is that I liked it when he hit me. It was the first and only time I'd been aroused by something outside of major foreplay.
Fucking hell. Why did I ask Lea about the goddamn shoulder? I'm such an idiot.
It doesn't matter anyway, I guess. It's not like Roxas asked any questions, so maybe he already knows. Plus, it would be my duty as a kind, caring friend to ask about an injury that's, you know, pretty much my fault. That I'm not kind, or caring, is entirely beside the point.
"Look, just pick something," Roxas is saying. I swear, Lea's the worst shopping partner ever. And it's not even that heshe window-shops; it's hisher figure and...quirks, I guess. Those hips do not even belong on a woman that thin, and the weirdest thing is that they're natural. Then there's the fact that heshe can only wear one hundred percent cotton...or leather. Fucking weirdo.
"I'm trying," Lea replies. Heshe is really agitated, I can tell. "But I hate being itchy. And since I have to share a room with you, I'm really thinking of your well-being. We all know how you get when you can't sleep, and you can never sleep when I'm uncomfortable. I'm trying to be your caring, considerate partner-"
"Okay, okay." Aww, Roxas is grumbling. How cute. I'm about to vomit. Swear to god, these two are a love story gone bizarre. If I'm ever stuck in a relationship like that, I hope someone shoots me.
It's kinda funny that Lea's dragged us into a women's clothing store and is looking at pants. I mean, it makes sense; no self-respecting girl wears skirts all the time (I'm wearing one, but only because I can't be bothered to unpack my big suitcase and I only had Kairi skirts in my little one), and Lea's hips are too big to wear guy pants even if heshe felt like it. It's funny anyway. Dunno why. I guess it's because I'm easily amused and I'm still totally weirded out by the freakishness of this entire day. In fact, this entire week.
I'm seriously regretting my decision to accept that commission. Fucking bizarre thing anyway – an entire life done in sketches, based on photos, except...this chick wants me to draw her out of the picture and draw someone else in. I figured I should leave Twilight Town to work on it, but this is too goddamn crazy.
It's funny how I'm regretting that decision, but I've never really regretted any important decisions. Maybe I only think I'm regretting this. Maybe I don't actually know how to regret. Hey, maybe I'm a sociopath and I just don't know it.
...Nah. That doesn't even make sense. Where is this shit coming from, anyway? I don't think like this when I'm home in Twilight Town.
My head still hurts. I totally forgot about the Aspirin. I know what's coming, now, but no matter how much warning I give myself, it always bowls me over like a fucking freighter.
Sometimes, when I stand still, I can feel the earth breathing through me. I can see it moving and pulsing, and it runs through me like air or water or both, like I'm drowning. In these moments, I can't eat or drink. I can barely think or breathe, but I have to do all those things. So I sorta pretend it away. Sometimes it works. Mostly it only annoys me. But annoyance is so much easier to deal with than fear, so I win.
Fucking delusions. Trying to get the best of me. They should know better.
These headaches always come before that feeling.
"Guys, I'm...a little dizzy," I say. I grab my head, just for the effect. I hate playing sick, I really do, but it's better than the alternative. "I'll be out there, on that bench. Just find me when you're done, all right?" I give them my Reassuring Smile, perfected over years of practice. I'm fine, don't worry. It's kind of entertaining, when you think about it, because people totally buy it. Apparently, I'm a perfect liar.
It isn't something to be proud of. I'm proud anyway, dammit. I have to have some kind of talent, right? Right?
Right.
"No worries. Go get water or something," Roxas says absently.
"Or better yet, go get food," Lea says. "You're all bones."
Fucking "Hypocrite."
"Hey. Metabolism from Hell. I'm gonna die young when I get old."
It's sad that I totally understood that.
I let out that damn giggle. Seriously, they should rip out my voice box. Then, I wouldn't have to worry about waterfalls. I also wouldn't have to lie.
Meh. Whatever.
I wander off, and hope they don't stay in there too long. The mall smells like human. I'm not surprised, but I'm still annoyed. The smells are too smelly, the noises are too noisy, the colors are too colorful, and the world is too breathy. Also, people are just douchebags, generally, and I hate them.
Case in point: that group of teenagers by the potted plants. Can they get any louder? And I don't even mean volume. Their clothes are loud, their mannerisms are loud. They just...they're trying too hard. The attention they're receiving is the wrong kind. I hate them.
I wonder if the smile on my face is vapid or not. Sometimes my face does things without my permission – like flinching, frowning, and pouting.
I think I can hear music. Yeah – something's playing just around the corner. Roxas and Lea can go fuck themselves; music is better than talking, and I kinda like the sound of this.
I peek around the corner and feel my eyes go wide. Whoa. What the hell? Now this, I did not expect. Not that I really expected anything of him, but still. Wow. Demyx – fish boy – is one hell of a musician.
Play that funky music, white boy.
I don't know what the fuck that instrument is, but the sound is pretty cool. I'm not really comfortable or anything, but like I said, the sound of music is better than the sound of talking. It makes the hills come alive, and all that good stuff. I lean my head against the wall. I'll have to scrub my cheek and wash my hair as soon as I get home, but for now, I need the support. I'd really rather be lying down, but I'd also rather eat my own liver than lie down here.
I hate malls. I really do. Roxas is an evil bitch for bringing me here, and my dad – the conspirator – is a fucking traitor. He totally deserves to be miserable after all.
Demyx finishes his song and looks up hopefully. I don't know why people aren't throwing money at him – or just throwing themselves at him, for that matter. He's turned out pretty sexy, he's caressing an instrument which bears a disturbing resemblance to a dick, and his music was awesome. I guess I'm no better – in my defense, I'm pretty sure if I move, the world will surge into me like a tsunami or something.
Yeah, I know, that's a weak defense. I don't have to explain myself to...myself. Fucking hell, will my brain never shut up?
"Oh," he says softly. I look over and he's looking at me. "I feel like I should recognize you."
"My name is Naminé. You and I aced a history project together." My voice is...surprise surprise, shaking. Now, this shakiness is a little easier to bear; the world. The world is making me weak. I'm losing breath. It's still annoying.
"Oh...oh, yeah! I remember you. We did that film with the headless Barbies."
True story: our teacher laughed really hard, and gave us an A. I don't think we deserved it.
"Yes...I didn't know you were a musician."
"I have many hidden talents," he tells me. Fucking weirdo.
I nod and close my eyes. Goddamn talking again. "Will you play again?"
"Anything for the lady." I can hear him shift and I'm sure he's smiling like in my imagination. My imagination's pretty kickass; if I don't want to remember something, it's just scribbles in my head. Like with Justine, how I can't really remember what she looked like before; I don't want to remember. On the flipside, I can remember what everything looks like, down to the last detail, if I think hard enough. Sometimes, like now, it takes almost no thinking to bring up a memory.
The memory of his smile. It really is a nice smile, even if it usually freaked me the hell out in school. That smile usually meant someone was going to find a nasty surprise, and half the time, it was me. I don't think anybody liked me very much...except Marluxia, for a while. And Kairi...
Bleh. Demyx's music is kinda soothing. I should pay him a million dollars. I'd own him, and I'd make him live with me and cater to all my needs. That is to say, I'd give him a room and make him play all the time. I'd feed him, I swear.
Where is this coming from?
Swear to god, I'm a psycho.
"So...the years haven't been particularly kind to you," he says. He's still playing. I kind of want to hit him – I don't know if it's because his voice is interrupting the music, or because that was an incredibly rude observation, but I think it's the first. I already know I look like shit.
"Well, you must have stolen my kindness, then," I tell him. Sincerely? I dunno. He's much, much better looking than when we did that project, but I wouldn't say he's a god or anything. Not like Larxene...
Fuck. I really was doing well. Not thinking about her, barely thinking about Marluxia. The thing is, I tend to obsess over things, especially mysteries or things I like. I'll subconsciously pick a subject and my brain will turn it over, unwrap it, tack it up on the wall, and it'll always be there. I'll always see it. That's when obsession starts. Nobody really knows this about me, because I don't talk about it and I'm usually pretty good about thinking before I speak.
But if I'm not careful, Larxene will become an obsession. Why? Because she's a goddess. Thirty seconds in, I was ready to worship her. I still am, really. It's really stupid, but so am I, I guess, when you bring it down to brass tacks. I'm not stupid about school stuff, but I'm stupid about life stuff. You'd think, being an observer, I'd have a better handle on things, but that's just it. I'm socially retarded.
"That's nice of you," he says. "What have you been up to lately, anyway? After high school, you bailed and nobody heard from you again. Your dad just clammed up when we asked. Some people thought you died, or got committed."
I take a deep breath and tie myself to his music, so I can concentrate on him and not on the fucking earth breaths. I'm really getting sick of this, seriously. "I moved to Twilight Town. Just after high school, my mom had this...fit of guilt, or something, and sent me quite a large amount of money." I don't bother to hide the part about my mom; this is a small town. Everybody knows what she did to us.
Plus, I couldn't care less if anybody knows. People are stupid, and so don't fully comprehend each other's business like they think they do.
"I opened a photography studio, and hired a couple of photographers," I offer. "I work in the back. I do drawings for people...commissions. Or, I've worked for the police a few times, but I don't enjoy that."
"Wow," he says. "I'm pretty sure that's the most I've heard you say about yourself at one time. That's really cool – the way you've been busy. I certainly haven't. If it wasn't for my stepsister, I'd be a bum by now – I'm really only good at music and swimming, and nobody will hire me. That's the sucky part of living in a small town. Everybody knows I'm a lazy underachiever."
It's nice that he can admit this without any embarrassment or resentment. I barely paid attention to him when I lived here, but goddamn, maybe that was a mistake. It's always nice to meet someone unashamed of his own personality – rare, too. Funny how that works.
"Are you...happy?" Dammit, why does my voice have to change now? If he thinks I'm crying, I might have to hurt myself. Just so there's a reason.
"Would I be sitting here if I wasn't?"
There are several different answers to that. Yes, if you thought you had to, is one. Another is lots of people do things that make them miserable. I just decide not to answer, because it's easier that way. Also, my head is pounding in time with my heart. Where is Roxas? Does Lea really take so long to shop?
The music stops and Demyx asks, "Hey...are you okay?"
"Just...a little dizzy," I reply. I attempt to give him my Reassuring Smile, but I really can't do it. I'm not really up to bullshit right now – partly because he's been so forthcoming with me, but mostly because my head hurts too much for me to pull off a believable act.
This is no time for epiphanies. I've just had one anyway. I pretend everything in my life. Happiness, calm, interest, care. If I am to follow a logical thread, the next step is to admit that I must not really feel those things. But if that's true, I'm either the most melancholy sucker ever or I just don't feel anything except anger. And even that's rather muted, in the grand scheme of things.
Eh. My head hurts too much for me to really care right now.
"Oh, there you are," Roxas says from behind me. I can't hear a smile in his voice. That's not really a problem, since he really doesn't smile all that often...I don't even know why I'm noticing these inane things.
"Hey," I say.
I feel Roxas behind me and suddenly, Demyx's face lights up. "Roxas, my man!"
"Demyx...you look...better."
"Who's this," Lea asks. If I didn't know better, I'd think heshe was jealous. But I do know better. Lea's smart enough to know heshe's more important to Roxas than some kid from high school.
Now that I think about it...Lea didn't go to school with us. Heshe just appeared one day, and it was like heshe'd always been there. Roxas is two years older than me, so Lea was around for about a year, but still...goddamn. How did I not notice that?
Whatever.
"This is Demyx. We had a class together."
Demyx grins. "Yep, advanced jewelry."
"I didn't know you made jewelry." Don't worry, Lea. Neither did I, and I was there.
Apparently, I was always a space case. It's just more noticeable now.
"There's a lot you don't know about me," he says mysteriously. "Anyway, we're going to grab something to eat before we go home...what do you suggest?"
"Marly's," Demyx says immediately.
"Oh, yeah, we heard about that in the store," Lea says. "C'mon, Roxas, that's two counts of good faith."
"I don't really care. I'm just hungry. C'mon, Naminé – we're going to Marly's. Bye, Demyx."
My head hurts. The earth is breathing. Roxas is back. And we're going to Marluxia's restaurant. Oh, happy day.
Sarcasm isn't half as funny when it's inside your head.