A/n: Thank you to Srm for the lovely review. It made my day, believe me.

And so the drama continues, keep reading!

Chapter 4

Bpov

I somehow made it back and parked my car. It helped that the streets were deserted. The world was so odd in the dark, lit in yellow by the street lamps. I shivered as I struggled to open the front door and hold my towel in place at the same time. Then I walked up the stairs, breathing heavily and leaning on the walls. I struggled just as much on the apartment door, closed it behind me and collapsed right onto the kitchen floor.

I suddenly couldn't move anymore. My muscles screamed at me, screamed of all their misuse and abuse. My head had been screaming for a while already, and then my stomach joined in. I felt sick, I tasted rum n' coke coming up and made a humongous effort to keep it down. I pressed my cheek against the cold kitchen tiles and breathed deeply. I had to keep my eyes open to keep my head from spinning out of control. I felt sicker than I had ever been in my life.

I lay there for a long time, unable to do anything but keep myself from throwing up right there. But I was so thirsty, so horribly thirsty. It got bad enough that I forced my legs and arms to push myself up, far enough to reach the sink and drink right from the tap.

I gulped down water for almost a minute, before my stomach realized that was way too much liquid to hold all at once. The nausea was doubled and I ran, stumbling, to the bathroom toilet, making it just in time to collapse on the floor beside it and pour out all the water I had just drunk, plus anything that was still left of coke and alcohol. I was dying, I must be dying.

My stomach kept constricting and cramping, urging all the contents to come out. The smell was revolting. It was hard to catch my breath. Why was it I just never could breathe properly tonight? The lack of oxygen made me panic, and I began crying. The crying made me feel defeated, and so I cried harder.

It took a while for me to get myself together once again. I dried my tears, blew my nose and flushed the toilet. I was barely able to stand up and certainly in no condition to clean it up more thoroughly. That would have to wait.

I turned to the sink to rinse my mouth and drink some water, slowly this time. I leaned my elbows heavily on the sink, the cool enamel felt good against my scraped skin. It also reminded me of Edward's hard and cold body. But I couldn't think of…not now.

I shivered violently, feeling feverish, hot and cold and sick. I opened the medicine cabinet behind the mirror and felt around blindly for the only box of pain killers we had. I hadn't turned the lights on and I didn't want to. I was less visible in the dark, it felt safer. I didn't want to be seen. I was familiar enough with the apartment to work with the outside street lamps as the only light source.

I took a pill, then reconsidered and took a second one. One pill wasn't going to be enough. Two pills weren't going to be enough. I knew that, but right now I could only think about how sick I felt and wanting to end the nausea and pain.

My legs weren't going to be able to take much more. I caught myself on the sink several times before my knees buckled from the shaking. I hastily brushed my teeth for the smell and taste in my mouth made me want to throw up again.

The next problem to tackle was my clothing. The towel lay abandoned by the toilet, but my dress was still on. I laboriously pulled it over my head, then used it to try and get some of the sticky stuff between my legs off. All the while squeezing my eyes shut and thinking very hard of something else, so as not to think about what it was I was wiping away.

I didn't get it all off properly though. No matter how much I rubbed the skin between my thighs it still felt sticky. My thighs stuck together. Another wave of nausea came up and I fought to stop it in its tracks. I wanted to keep my pain killers down.

I had to shower, there was no other way. I was horribly dirty anyway, in every sense of the word. My hair probably looked like I lived in a cave around 10.000 BC. I couldn't see my reflection in the mirror in the dark, and I was thankful for it. But I still felt dirty. I couldn't possibly go to sleep like this. I couldn't dirty the bed Edward and I shared.

This time I was assaulted by tears coming up my tear ducts. No! I made a ball of the dress and threw it in the corner. I would deal with that later too. Shower first.

We only had a standing shower, no tub. I stepped onto the white enamel square and closed the door. It was dark and the water was warm. It was somehow very comforting. The drops of water on the transparent shower door were illuminated by the yellow street lights filtering in, making them look like a wall of soft yellow stars, illuminating the darkest night of my existence. I stared at them while the warmth of the water enveloped me. I thought of nothing. I felt nothing but the warmth. I saw nothing but the star-droplets. I heard nothing but the water.

I was startled to see the sky outside slowly shifting to blues and greys. The night was coming to an end. I'd really thought it would go on forever. It seemed impossible for it to end. And then I was so tired. My eyes wanted to close so badly. I was fighting to keep them open as I washed my hair and body as much as I could.

Dawn was well underway when I stepped out and I could now see a little better. I also felt more lucid, despite the overwhelming exhaustion. And this was no good thing. My thoughts were unstoppably pulled towards the events of the night. Bits and pieces flashed in my mind, so quickly it made me dizzy and nauseated again.

The humiliation was instant as I saw myself dancing again. The way I'd danced. I saw myself touching people, hugging people, smiling and laughing. I took off my stockings. A small cry escaped me at that thought, and sobs followed. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe how monstrously stupid I'd been. I hated myself, I loathed myself! I wanted to throw myself through the window, get rid of this thing that was the saddest, sickest excuse for a human being. So pathetic.

No! I thought. I kept crying and panicking, wondering about all the other things I might have done, all the parts that were missing. But I also moved forward. I was still wet, but the fever was draining away the last bits of energy I had left and I was going to collapse soon and I had no time to find a clean towel. I grabbed the box of pain killers on the sink and a bottle of water on the kitchen counter on my way to the bedroom. Then I collapsed into the bed. My hair was drenching my pillow but I didn't care. My eyes closed and I was instantly gone.

When I woke again it was as if I'd just come back from the party, as if I'd just walked out of the house's front door. I didn't remember what I'd been dreaming but it felt like I was still there and I was confused as to where I was now.

I was barely able to piece together the events that led to me being in bed, my head was exploding with pain, screaming for my attention. And I was too hot. Much too hot. I kicked the quilt away from my body as far as I could. My legs were barely responding to the directions my brain was giving. My brain was probably too busy trying to calm the riot in my head to pay much attention to my limbs, especially the ones so far away.

As soon as the quilt was passed my knees I began shivering from the cold. Oh god, not this. I moaned aloud. I hated those fevers where you were either hot or cold, with no in between. It had been so long ago, since I was a child, that I'd had such a bad fever. It made my head swim, like I was still a little drunk, and that made me nauseated again.

I made the mistake to try and move. It made my stomach protest. I looked around in panic, I really couldn't get back to the bathroom. But there was a waste-paper basket under the desk next to the bed. I hastily slipped off the bed and on the ground, crawling on my knees towards the desk. I grabbed the basket just on time for the upcoming bile.

The taste was the bitterest I'd ever experienced. It made me wince. It made me sicker, even worse than the worst I could imagine. My body was now completely exposed and shaking, both from the cold and from the vomiting. I just begged for it to end. I begged for someone to help me. I didn't know what to do. There was nothing I could even do. I couldn't move.

When I was sure my stomach had calmed down I dropped my head to the floor, right next to the basket. I was grateful the bedroom was fully carpeted in fluffy material. I was far from comfortable, but seeing as I was incapable of climbing back onto the bed it was still better than lying on the bare floor.

And I just lay there. As powerless and helpless as I'd ever been. How truly pathetic and humiliating. That was all I was going to feel from now on then. Humiliated.

It's all you deserve, really. A voice told me, reminding me of everything I'd done, and everything I'd done without even remembering. It was completely natural for a person like me to be humiliated. It was just a consequence of my actions. That much was clear. Edward had given me so much. He'd given me this life, offering me an eternity of bliss. And here I was trampling all over it like it wasn't worth a thing. I'd betrayed him. I'd betrayed him in the cruellest, most disrespectful way.

How could I ever face him? How could I ever let him see me? Or anyone? I'd wished for help just a minute ago, but now I knew I couldn't let anyone help me. I couldn't let anyone see me.

And Angela. I just remembered her now and sobs of self-loathing and pure shame broke free from me. Where was she? I'd left her there. Was she even okay? I didn't know. She had walked to the parking lot to meet me there on the way to the party, her dorm on campus not being too far. It had been the plan for us to walk back and for me to crash in her dorm room. Had she made it back on her own? I didn't even know! I hadn't even though of her until now! What was wrong with me?

How self-absorbed could one be? I was so sick. Again, in every sense of the word. But I remembered how good I'd felt about myself. I'd thought I was wonderful, and interesting and sexy. And all I'd cared about was me and how I felt. And then when it all went wrong I'd again only thought about myself. That was inexcusable.

I apologised to Edward and Angela over and over in my head, lying on the floor, shivering and with the worst head-ache I had ever felt. But it was good to feel pain. At least I got some kind of punishment, some kind of repayment for what I'd done. It wouldn't help them, I knew, but it was my deserved sentence. Justice.

The more I apologised and thought about all that had happened, the more I realised there was no returning from this, no matter how sick or in how much pain I was. I had ruined it. My life could never return to what it was, it could never return to the path Edward and I had been walking together. I had ruined it altogether. And now I wanted to die. There was nothing left for me now. For what possible reason could I go on? I searched and found nothing. I wanted to die and that feeling intensified more and more, until I was crying it out and the thought felt like it was tearing me apart. I want to die.

Epov

I was anxious. I was always anxious when away from Bella, knowing how prone she was to getting in trouble. It had happened too often for me to ever be free from the anxiety that something would happen to her in my absence. But living life together, we had each our own business to attend to. I had to deal with the anxiety and let her live her life. Which for the moment was college.

I had scarcely dared believe my ears when she'd told me she wanted to spend one more year as a human, attending college with the sweet girl Angela from Forks High School. Bella never asked for something for herself. I almost never had the chance to give her something she wanted. The lord knew how she freaked out every time I even hinted at wanting to give her a gift. So I was happy beyond imagining that she was asking for something I wanted to give her so badly.

She had accepted to be my wife after all. I knew that had been hard for her. And of course she thought it had been hard for me to accept her request, that we be intimate, that we have a real honeymoon. She thought it was a fair deal. But it wasn't. She had given me much more than I ever deserved, without me even asking for most of it. I'd only asked for her to marry me. And she was giving up both her humanity and virginity on top of it, just for me. And she thought she was asking me for those things.

I had wanted her for a very long time. It wasn't something I was proud of, and because of the danger it presented I'd kept that part of my thoughts hidden as deeply as I could. I'd felt ashamed when I realised that she thought I didn't even desire her that way. I'd hidden it too well. She'd thought I was doing her a favour by accepting to make love to her. That was just one more of her ridiculous opinions about herself. That she was too plain for me to want her that way.

I'd done all I could to remedy that. Once my bloodlust for her was gone, and once I became more confident that I could control my strength and not hurt her or put her in danger, I'd made sure to no longer hide how much I really always wanted to explore her body. And I'd noticed a change in her, a kind of confidence in her movements I'd never witnessed in her before. The kind of confidence that Rosalie was the purest incarnation of. But on Rosalie I didn't notice it that much, and sometimes it poured over into arrognce. She had so much of it. Bella had gained just that hint of it, a tiny flower bud showing promise of growth and beauty, and I was outrageously curious and impatient to see where it would lead.

I'd realised then that Bella was still growing. She was human and she did as all humans did, evolve. It hurt me to think that she only had a year to do so. Of course, vampires evolved as well, but it was so much slower and so much more difficult. Humans had that spring, that resilience that creatures of a short lifespan have compared to the long-lasting giants.

My Bella was so beautiful. And she was growing to be even more beautiful. She was becoming even more of a woman as she discovered herself, and it brought me such an incredible amount of joy to know that I was partly responsible for that change. If I'd known sooner that the experience of physical love together would make such a difference…

My love for her overwhelmed me once more. I'd thought of her a lot during our separation. I'd missed her so much. On the plane, in the car, when meeting up with Alice and Jasper, getting in touch with Alice's relatives…

I was very happy to have been able to help my sister of course. Alice and I looked out for each other, we had a bond that was just that little bit closer than with the rest of the family. But as always, I was just a tad bit distracted. And when Bella had still been sending me text messages it was all fine. But I hadn't received any on Tuesday, and I didn't want to bother her if she was too busy to think of me. I was so happy she was living her life, meeting people, growing more confident and knowledgeable. And I was so happy to be allowed to be a part of it, a big part of it. I was her husband. And even though no one knew about it where we were living, except Angela, nothing could make me forget the blissful feeling of being able to think of her as my wife, my partner. It meant we'd stay together, no matter what happened.

Alice and Jasper had pestered me about my silly teenage behaviour with the text messages, telling me I should just text her if I wanted to hear from her. They did it out of love for me, for us, so I forgave them. But I did shorten my trip. As soon as the groundwork was laid for Alice to meet her family and keep up a correspondence with them I decided to go home. Home to my wife.

I'd told Bella I'd be back in the early morning on Friday, but I arrived 24 hours earlier at the airport, just past midnight on Thursday. I still had to drive back, and I made a small detour to a forested area to hunt first. I didn't want to have to leave her shortly after being back. The weather forecast was bad for the next two weeks and I was thrilled that I would be able to join Bella in class every day.

It felt like my heart was going to come back to life and start beating again as I ascended the steps to our apartment. I would enter the dark bedroom and find her deeply asleep. I already relished the moment I would slip under the covers next to her and take her into my arms, as if I hadn't left since leaving her in bed Monday morning.

As soon as I opened our front door I noticed something was wrong. The smell was wrong. The always lingering anxiety whipped through me, ringing the alarm that had gone off quite a few times in our complicated history.

I instinctively located the sound of her heart coming from the bedroom, as it should. I closed the door behind me and headed there immediately. The sight there broke my heart as instantly as light could travel.

Bella lay on the floor, rolled into a ball next to the waste-paper basket, from which came a strong smell of bile. She was completely naked, her body covered by a sheen of dried sweat. Her hair was tangled and knotted around her head and neck. She looked asleep but her expression looked as strained as her breathing sounded. She was obviously very sick.

I was by her side in an instant, gathering her into my arms as carefully as I could. My worry grew exponentially when I noticed her body temperature felt lower than it should be. How long had she been laying here? How come she didn't call me? How come Alice didn't see it and called me?

Many questions popped up into my consciousness, but for now the only thought on the foreground was to take care of Bella. I put her back into bed and brought up the covers around her, making sure she was well tucked in. I noticed a bottle of water and a box of pain killers lying on the bedside table. I wondered if I should wake her and make her drink. Her lips were dry and cracked. She must be dehydrated, especially if she'd been throwing up and hadn't drunk during all the time she'd been lying on the floor. I should've come back sooner! I berated myself.

Should I wake her? Should I call Carlisle? I needed to make sure she warmed up first. Her heartbeat was steady but slower than usual. And her blood smelled different, weaker, like when she'd been in the hospital. As long as she was sleeping she wasn't in pain, so I didn't want to pull her from her slumber if it wasn't urgent.

I rummaged around in our closet for something I'd brought in preparation for cold nights when I couldn't keep her warm. I found the hot water bottle quickly and hastened to the kitchen to boil water in the electric kettle. The thing took ages to work. Once ready I quickly returned to the bedroom and slipped the warm object close to her torso, where it would hopefully help warm her entire body.

I had to wait now, and I decided to call Carlisle.

"Edward?" He answered his cell phone. "Are you still with Alice?" He asked, a worried tone slipping into his voice.

"No I'm not. Everything went fine so I went home earlier." I reassured him. "I'm calling because Bella is very sick. I found her unconscious on the floor and slightly hypothermic. I can tell she's been throwing up and she's dehydrated, and I'm pretty sure she had a fever. It might come back when her body temperature rises again." I told him at lightning speed.

I had a lot of theoretical medical knowledge, but barely any experience compared to Carlisle. I wasn't at all sure how to interpret Bella's symptoms or how her body would react from now on. She was the only human I'd been around for any relevant amount of time and she hadn't been sick like this before.

"Calm down, Edward." Carlisle's calm and steady voice reassured me over the phone. "I'm sure it's just a cold, or maybe food intoxication or at worst the flu. Make sure her body temperature returns to normal and try to get her to drink water as soon as she wakes up. I'm sure you're already taking care of it, but do you want me to come down there?"

I hesitated. I wanted him to come, I wanted the best doctor to take care of Bella and I only trusted him to do the best job possible. And what if her condition worsened? What if it was worse than expected? I had to ask her what her symptoms were when she woke up. But what if she didn't wake up? I'd have to go to the hospital. Even if Carlisle came it would take a while. I couldn't wait for him.

But I didn't want to make Carlisle drop everything in LA, where he had moved with the rest of the family after our 'graduation' from Forks High School. He was way too indulgent with me, always ready to move the moment I asked him to.

"I'll wait until she wakes up." I finally told him. Deciding it was best to wait for her to give me more information. It didn't look like she was in any grave danger. She was just really sick. But like Carlisle had said, it might just be a case of food poisoning or the flu. "I'll call you back as soon as I know more."

"Okay, son. I'll be there as soon as I can if you need me. You know that. But it's most probably going to be fine. Bella's a healthy girl. She'll get over it soon enough." He tried to encourage me.

"Thanks, Carlisle. I…" I wasn't sure what to say, or how to express my gratitude at him always being ready to help, not only me but everyone. "Say hi to Esme and the others for me."

"I will." He said. And after we'd expressed our goodbyes I hung up.

I looked back at Bella, who was motionlessly lying next to me. I had to wait now, I thought as I sighed deeply. I started thinking about what food I could give her. If she was still feeling sick she'd probably resist, but I had to get some nutrition into her, to help her body recover from whatever it was fighting. Soup was probably the best option. She'd just have to swallow and it would hydrate her at the same time.

Did we have soup? I didn't want to have to go out to buy some. I couldn't leave her alone. Not even if she was asleep and I was only gone for a couple of minutes. But I could probably have it delivered or something.

I decided to go look through our kitchen. If we had some vegetables or meat I could make soup myself. I'd never tried making it but I was confident that with a recipe it would turn out good enough.

I was just about to open the first cupboard when I noticed the smells coming from the bathroom. I'd been so preoccupied with getting Bella warm that I hadn't noticed it when waiting for the water to boil. But now that I was waiting anyway, I decided to go see in what state she'd left it.

A/n: It feels so good to write down what keeps bugging me in my head. But it feels exponentially better to see the reactions of people to those thoughts I write down. So let me know, okay? Just one word is fine if you do't have time. One word for one emotion it made you feel? Deal? You're the best! Don't forget!

Aoiika