Author's Note: This is by far my favourite chapter. I hope you all are amused by it as much as I still am :D
The journey there started off innocently enough – Steve chatted with Natasha about some conspiracy in Tibet they had heard rumours about, as Peter listened to their conversation curiously. Eventually, the small amount of conversation died down and the interior of the car fell into a sort of comfortable silence, people mostly gazing out the windows or resting with their eyes closed.
Loki was absently drumming his fingertips on the inside of his car door, tapping out an irregular rhythm that only sounded vaguely musical. It was the only sound in the car except for the gentle whir of the engine.
That is, until Natasha finally snapped.
"Can you stop?" she barked, scarlet curls swinging as she whipped her head around to glare at Loki.
Loki's hand stilled, and he regarded her with an expression of innocent surprise.
"Me?"
Natasha rolled her eyes.
"Yes, you."
Loki stared at her, his hand poised over the plastic of the door, hesitating.
"Stop what?" he asked, testing her. Every other occupant of the car internally winced, bracing themselves for the tornado that they knew was swiftly approaching.
"You know perfectly well what," she sneered. "That infuriating tapping! You're not the only one in this car, you know."
"I am all too aware of that fact. Especially when one of them is an angry Russian cat who won't stop hissing in my ear."
"You're one to talk," Natasha hissed, indeed sounding uncannily like an angry cat. "Tapping your claws like that on the window."
Steve, sensing the obvious danger in their fiery glares, cleared his throat.
"I spy…something blue," Steve said loudly, peering out the window.
"Oh! I love this Earth game!" Thor cried. "Captain, do you spy…that road sign?"
Steve shook his head proudly.
"Nope."
Thor scratched his head in concentration, which was a difficult feat to accomplish without elbowing Steve in the face in the packed car.
"Do you spy…that vehicle?"
"It's the sky, Thor," Tony intoned in a bored voice from the front.
Steve gaped at Tony.
"How did you – "
"Steve, I think you have to be prepared for that sort of pathetic defeat when you pick the same thing for 'I Spy' every time we're in the car."
Steve relapsed into a gloomy silence after that.
Several minutes later, Thor discovered the small switch next to his door handle that controlled his window. He pulled the switch toward him and the window lowered about six inches. Entranced, Thor pushed forward on the switch and the window began to ascend. He stopped it right before it closed completely, and then lowered it all the way. The wind whipped at his luxurious blonde hair as Thor raised the window an inch, then stopped. One more inch, then stopped. One more inch –
"CAN YOU CUT THAT OUT?!" Clint screeched, whirling around from where he was still sitting rather awkwardly on the edge of Bruce's knee to glare at Thor, one eye nearly twitching. From the front seat, with his plethora of buttons and controls, Tony wordlessly prodded a switch, and Thor's window closed by itself. Thor looked disappointed, but simply sighed heavily and leaned back in his seat, returning Clint's glare before gazing absent-mindedly through the window again.
"Um, Tony?" Steve squeaked in an uncharacteristically high voice. "Can we maybe have the window open for a bit? I don't feel very good…"
Tony jumped violently, his fingers scrabbling for the switch to open Thor's window again.
The moment the window lowered and the wind whipped into the car once again, Bruce sighed through clenched teeth.
"Can we please close the window? The noise is giving me a headache..."
Clint jumped, eyes widening in terror.
"Close the window, Tony, close it now, Tony…!"
Peter was eyeing Steve, who was faintly green, with apprehension.
"Do you think we could open all of the windows? Like now? Come on, dude, please don't puke on me…"
Clint was growing increasingly agitated as he watched Bruce, who seemed mere moments away from turning green himself.
"CLOSE THE WINDOW! CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT – "
"But…my car…" Tony protested, sending backward glances to where Steve had his eyes closed and was concentrating on inhaling deep lungfuls of cool air.
"BUT MY ARMS ARE GOING TO BE RIPPED OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS, AND I DON'T WANT THAT, TONY, I REALLY DON'T!"
Tony jerked the car to a halt at the red light, and Clint went flying forward onto the dashboard, smashing his face into the windshield and nearly kicking Bruce in the face. Bruce swiped him away with a snarl, and Clint curled up as small as he could in the space next to Bruce's feet.
"Uh oh…guys…"
Bruce's breathing was becoming heavier, and the veins were standing out on his neck. Tony quickly rolled up the back window, despite the not-quite-recovered Steve between Thor and Peter.
"I don't wanna diee-ee-eee-ee…" Clint sobbed, his arms wrapped tightly around his shins as he tried to inch further under the dashboard, away from Bruce, whose fists were slowly clenching and unclenching.
Tony reached over with one hand, still trying to focus his attention on weaving in and out of traffic as he did so, and gingerly patted Bruce's head.
"Does that usually work?" Peter asked curiously, leaning forward to get a better look.
"I don't know; he's usually not trapped in a car crammed with idiots!" Tony yelled, frantically stroking the side of Bruce's face. "Can somebody else do this? I think there's probably a law somewhere about calming a seething giant while driving…"
Peter leaned forward to pat Bruce's head, but Steve and Natasha both pulled him back with a hand on his arm, yelling "Not you!"
Peter crossed his arms over his chest again and slouched down, grumbling, "You guys never let me do anything…"
"STOP TOUCHING ME!" Bruce screamed with a thunderous growl when Loki reached around the seat to offer a gentle pat on the right side of his head. Clint whimpered nervously from where he was curled up at the front of the car.
Everybody else in the car, with the exception of Peter, who was busy sulking, and Thor, who was staring quite blissfully out the window, turned to glare at Loki.
"I was just trying to help," he mumbled, before crossing his arms and assuming a stance not unlike Peter's.
Tony reached over to the radio and quickly began searching for a classical music station, which was far from his taste but likely to help Bruce calm down.
When Tony finally found a classical station, it was in the middle of Beethoven's 5th symphony, which even he knew. Thor's attention was drawn from the scenery outside the window for the first time the whole trip.
"This Earth music…it pleases me," he declared, and began to sway back and forth to it. On the other side of the car, Loki buried his face in his hands. How did it take him that many years to realise that he wasn't actually related to this idiot?
Steve immediately recognised the symphony (it wasn't often that he recognised the music playing in Tony's car) and began to hum along to it. Thor threw his arm around Steve's shoulders and they both swayed, Thor attempting to sing along as well, but having no knowledge of the tune and ending up very off pitch.
Steve threw his arm around Peter's shoulders, who initially looked scandalized, but then with a cry of "Oh, what the hell," joined in, grinning. He threw his arm around Natasha's shoulders, who scowled at him.
"Come on, Tash, sing it!" Peter cried. She attempted to throw his arm off her shoulder but failed, as there was barely any room to shift in the backseat to begin with. So she was forced to sit and sway with them, flinching every time they swayed to the right and she was forced to press closer to Loki, who didn't look very thrilled about the contact, either.
It was a wonder that they managed to sway at all, given that their legs were all numb because they haven't been able to move them for so long.
At this point, even Bruce seemed to be enjoying himself, and had calmed down nearly back to his normal collected self. Clint had even unfolded himself enough to sit up on the edge of the passenger seat, perched between Bruce and Tony. He began playing an imaginary violin, nearly punching Tony in the face as his imaginary bow was drawn dramatically over imaginary strings.
"Okay, okay, that's enough!" Tony yelled, hitting the power button on the radio. This was followed by a loud response of Awwwwww…'s, a few Come on, Tony!'s, a shout of I AM DISPLEASED BY THE CEASING OF THIS EARTH MUSIC, and a couple of relieved sighs from Natasha and Loki's corner of the vehicle.
"If we're going to have the radio on, it's going to be on one of my presets, got it?" Tony glared at them all in the rearview mirror. There was a general grumbling of assent, and Tony hit a couple of buttons on the radio.
"Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?"
The effect was instantaneous.
By the time the word "fantasy" floated out of the speakers, every member of the car was singing along. Yes, that includes Loki, Thor, and Steve. The Asgardians had spent enough time on Earth to know this song by heart, and this was one of the only semi-modern songs Steve knew.
This was because when Tony bought Steve a black iPod classic the previous Christmas, full of music Tony insisted Steve had to know to survive in the modern world (mainly classic rock), Steve had gotten hopelessly confused, pressing various buttons until he somehow managed to get Bohemian Rhapsody stuck on full-volume repeat with no idea how to fix it. But Steve continued to listen to it, both so Tony wouldn't feel bad if Steve didn't use his gift, and so Tony wouldn't make fun of him for not knowing how to use it.
Eventually, the battery ran out, Steve, utterly baffled as to why it had stopped working, left the iPod sitting abandoned on his dresser. But that didn't stop him from knowing every word of this song.
Miraculously, they fell easily into the harmonies – Thor and Steve sang the lowest notes, while Tony, Clint, and Bruce helped out in the middle, leaving Peter, Loki, and Natasha to pull out their best falsettos.
"Any way the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me…"
Clint took the liberty of miming the piano solo as Bruce conducted him.
By the time they reached the middle of the song, the car had split into two groups – left and right – and they turned to face each other as they sang.
"Easy come, easy go – will you let me go," Clint, Bruce, Natasha, and Lokirequested of Thor, Steve, Peter, and Tony, who retorted with "Bismillah! No – we will not let you go!"
"Let him go!"
"Bismillah! No – we will not let you go!"
No one was quite sure who had managed to hit the highest note on the final "For me!", but at that point it didn't even matter. That moment was proceeded by a wonderful imitation of Wayne's World – which was fantastic, seeing as about half of the population of the vehicle had never seen the movie.
All eight of them simultaneously began playing invisible guitars at that point – while singing along with the guitar solo, of course – while banging their heads and whipping their hair up and down. The effect was particularly fabulous with Thor, whose lush golden locks kept hitting Steve in the face as he whipped his head back (luckily, Steve was in a good enough mood to not mind in the slightest). On the contrary, Loki's long, black hair didn't seem to move at all – it stayed perfectly slicked back and hanging down the back of his neck as he banged his head.
As the music slowed at the end of the song, the group was very emotional, putting their hearts into the song and really giving it all they had up until the final words.
"Any way the wind blows…"
Natasha would swear she saw Loki wiping a tear from the corner of his eye, but this has not yet been proven.
What did definitely happen, however, was Clint throwing his arms out to his sides, smacking Tony in the face as he did so, and crying "I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH."
There was a general chorus of "I LOVE YOU TOO, MAN." and a couple "CLIIIIINT"'s, before the moment went from being heartfelt and emotional to slightly uncomfortable. Everybody cleared their throats and turned to casually gaze out the window.
The high from Bohemian Rhapsody had almost completely worn off when Clint suddenly spoke.
"Yellow car."
Everybody groaned.
"Not this again…" Tony mumbled.
"What's 'yellow car'?" Loki demanded, looking around at all of them.
"When you see a yellow car, you say 'yellow car'," Steve explained.
"It's the world's most idiotic game," Tasha said, rolling her eyes.
"And Barton always wins," Tony added with a scowl.
"There's a reason they call me Hawkeye, bro," Clint replied offhandedly.
"I find it enjoyable," Thor announced, before turning to Loki. "Brother, have you never played the game called 'Yellow Car'?"
"You're not my real brother," said Loki huffily as he crossed his arms and slouched down in his seat.
"Bro. Don't be such a whiny bitch," Clint said, turning around and leaning over Bruce's shoulder to look at Loki. "You got left behind, and you got to grow up in a magical castle in space. I got picked up by a travelling circus. Do you know how much I envy you?"
Loki didn't reply, but only continued sulking.
A good five minutes of silence followed where everybody gazed fixedly out the windows at the passing cars, determined to see a yellow car before Clint did.
"Are we there yet?" Peter asked unexpectedly, breaking the silence. This prompted a chorus of Yeah, Tony, are we there yet? Are we? Are we? and even a HAVE WE HITHERTO ARRIVED AT OUR DESTINATION?
Tony slammed his hands on the steering wheel, whipped off his sunglasses (which flew out of his hand and managed to hit Clint squarely in the eye) and swiveled around to stare at them all in the backseat.
"WE WILL GET THERE. WHEN WE GET THERE."
His eyes were wide and bloodshot, and he looked absolutely mad. Everybody hung their heads and guiltily refused to meet his gaze.
Tony swiveled his head to stare at the scenery around the car.
"Christ, Barton, where are we going? Are you sure this is the right way?"
"Yes," Clint grumbled, rubbing his injured eye crossly.
Tony looked out the window again. It appeared that they were in the middle of a cornfield. When he rolled down the window and poked his head out, they could hear a cow mooing somewhere in the distance.
"Are you positive – "
"Yes."
"I'm not even sure we're still in California! I mean – "
"Stark."
"Can't I just use my GPS – "
"JUST DRIVE, STARK. I WILL GET US THERE."
Tony rolled his eyes, but continued driving obediently through the endless expanse of corn.
"Next time, I'm using my GPS. At least it doesn't give me attitude."
Eventually, the cornfield disappeared, and they found themselves on an actual road with actual buildings and genuine traffic once again. Clint directed Tony to a small, nondescript building positioned next to a movie theater. No sooner had the car pulled into a parking spot when all four of the car doors flew open and the eight of them piled out, raising their hands to the sky and breathing in the fresh air. Clint dropped to his hands and knees and kissed the pavement. Steve and Thor retreated to the trunk of the car to retrieve their shield and helmet.
Tony immediately pulled out his phone to text Pepper, asking her to have another car dropped off for the way home.
"I am never going through that again," Tony growled to Steve, stuffing his phone back into his pocket as they followed Clint and Tasha into the building.
"Really? I thought it was kind of fun. Teambuilding, you know," Steve replied happily.
Tony stared at him for a moment before simply shaking his head and walking into the building.