My, this place looks barren!

Schoolwork, my first uni exams and plain old procrastination are the culprits for this latest delay. To anyone who's actually still reading this, many apoligies and here's hoping it's been worth the wait.

CHAPTER 3
"PRISON ISLAND"

It was night by the time Shadow figured out a way down the mountains. After hours of fruitless thought, he had decided to check his copy of 'Exposition' for anything helpful. Nothing relevant seemed to crop up until he reached page 20. It featured a large do-it-yourself article on Chaos Control - manipulating the powers of Chaos Emeralds for your own personal needs.

Shadow's coal heart quickened and he read on with interest. It was quite a list of abilities on offer; flight, energy bolts, Chaos Blasting, freeze beams, bringing alien cabbages back to life, general space-time tinkering, making the tea, teleportation...

Teleportation! That was it!

Not taking his eyes off the page, Shadow withdrew an Emerald from his person and held it tightly in one hand. He tried to concentrate on a safe place to arrive, clicked the heels of his jet shoes together and read aloud.

"There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home. Chaos Control, activate!"

Pop.

Shadow's surroundings instantly changed. The clear night sky was now tinged with a light layer of smog and lit by distant searchlights. Up ahead, he could make out tall wire fencing and an intimidating set of iron gates. Behind them, sandy stone structures had become dull grey walls and metal piping. Shadow didn't know where he was, but at least it wasn't near Knuckles.

The hedgehog made his way up to the gates. A golden plaque had been screwed next to the bars.

"PRISON ISLAND.
Abusing human and hedgehog rights since 2001.
Solicitors welcome."

"Prison. Great." muttered Shadow. He wanted a safe place, but come on. "Hmm...I wonder if there are any Chaos Emeralds around here. At least I could sneer in contempt at the inmates for a little while."

A quick gunshot took care of the padlock and Shadow sneaked inside. But he'd barely crossed the threshold when he clutched his head, groaning in pain. Monochrome images suddenly flashed in his mind. A dusty room. A large mustashioed clown.

"Ugh!" he cried. "What is this?" Shadow hurridly withdrew his copy of 'Exposition' again and turned to the medical section ("Ask Dr Snively!") His eyes rushed through the list of symptoms. Black-and-white vision, throbbing headache, scenes of generic angst.

"Oh no! It's montageivitis!"

An unusual capsule. A frozen hedgehog sucking its thumb. Numerous explosions.

Then nothing.

"What?" Shadow gingerly composed himself. His head was clear once again. Well, as clear as it can be. "That's right," he said to no-one in particular. "I somehow escaped, but was then captured by those humans. But...from where? And when? And why? And when? And how? And which?"

Shadow's Q&A session quickly came to a halt. He noticed that a large chasm stood just in front of him, separating him from the next section of the complex. Too big to jump and too risky to Chaos Control over. Clearly, the place was now a ruin.

"Damn," he grumbled. Suddenly, he spotted a thick pipe to his right. It stretched right across to the other side of the pit at a downward angle and looked more than strong enough to support his weight. He noted the brand - Dave X. McKenna Plumbing.

"Guess it's just my lucky day," mused Shadow as he slotted his jet shoes onto the pipe and slid his way across to the other side of the chasm. "Still, I know this place," he continued to himself. "It feels like I've been here bef-"

"HEYSHADOW!"

"AARGH!" Shadow lost his footing. He somersaulted off the end of the pipe and fell snout-first on the hard concrete floor.

"Sorrymister!" squeaked the voice. "AreyouOK?"

"Damn it, no!" he growled and picked himself up. "What the hell were you tryna...huh?"

Shadow suddenly realised the speaker was a large young bee hovering above him. He wore an orange vest with matching trainers and a pilot's helmet complete with goggles. His tangerine eyes were darting all over the place, while his smile was one of manic excitement.

"HeyShadow!" he said hurridly. "I'vegottaaskyousomethingVectortoldmethathewantsmet-"

The bee stopped as he felt a gun barrel thrust into his thorax.

"Slow. The hell. Down!" snarled Shadow. The bee nodded enthusiastically and the firearm was withdrawn. "Now, first, who on Earth are you?"

"Oh, come on, Shadow!" replied the insect. "I'm Charmy! Y'know, the fun-lovin' junior investinger...investigurgle...infesti...crime-solving guy of the Chaotix Defective Agency!" He puffed out his little chest and saluted proudly.

"Riiight," replied his quilled companion. "Yeah, I remember you guys now. It'd be hard not to. But aren't you a little young to be working for a bunch of useless teenage investigators?"

"I dunno," shrugged Charmy. "I'm just there to keep them in a good mood. Having me around makes them feel better about themselves."

"Works from where I'm standing," muttered Shadow. "Now what were you saying about that stupid crocodile?"

"Vector's not stupid!" snapped Charmy defensively. "Espio says he's just retarded!"

"Retarded is..." began the hedgehog. "Look, I don't have time for this! Just tell me what he said!"

"Oh alright!" buzzed Charmy. "Vector told me that he wants me to find five top secret discs. But...what is a top secret disc?"

Shadow resisted the urge to punch him and instead boxed a nearby wall. It crumbled down on top of him.

"You're silly," giggled the bee and rolled about in mid-air as his new friend pulled himself from the wreckage.

"What the heck's up with this place?" demanded the hedgehog. "I might not remember much about it during my own stay, but I know it was in much better condition than this!" Charmy pondered.

"I think Espio said you blew it up."

Shadow glared at him.

"Or not! Whatever!"

"Look, just leave me alone, alright?" growled the hedgehog. "I'm trying to discover my destiny and I can't do it with you buzzing around me all the time!" With a dramatic woosh, he began skating onwards past his insect companion.

"Hey, come back!" he squeaked. "What about the top secret discs?" But Shadow was too far away to care. "I'm telling Vector on you!"

"You too, huh?" came a deep, hurt voice. Doom's Eye swam out from the chasm, dazed and bruised. "He knocked me down that hole when he teleported and didn't even notice me!"

"I know everyone thinks he's a jerk," Charmy ranted, "But now, I know he's really a world-class poophead!" and he blew a large raspberry.

"Yes," Doom's Eye snarled. "Poophead indeed." He didn't blow a raspberry. For obvious reasons.

Meanwhile, Shadow was actually starting to enjoy himself. Without any phallic extraterrestrials or caffine-crazed critters, these ruins were quite peaceful. He sighed contently as he glided past the numerous empty cells, eyes peeled for the next Chaos Emerald. Everything was starting to go smoothly again.

Then, he met another springboard.

"Damn developeeerrrs!" hollered the hedgehog. He soared high above another chasm and slammed down on a metallic platform in the middle of it. As he massaged his bruised bottom, Shadow realised he wasn't alone.

"Hey, look!" said one alien. "It's one of those Earth flying squirrels!"

"No way! The infodataputer said they had longer tails," said a second alien. "I think you need your cerebral cortex examined."

"I'm telling you it is!" said the first. "Look at its short stature! Those puffy cheeks!" It began pinching the creature's cheeks. Shadow's blazing eyes soon encouraged him to stop.

"Never," he roared, "Never call me a goddamn squirrel!" The alien was promptly spin-dashed and hurled over the sides of the platform. Shadow turned to the second.

"Um..." it squeaked. "Goodness, you know, maybe I'm theEarth flying squirrel after all!" and leapt after his companion.

"Squirrel..." muttered Shadow and examined his surroundings. A huge half-pipe that snaked into the distance was the only way he could go. It was filled with an unusual green sludge that was being pumped out from underneath him. Shadow dipped a finger in.

"Toxic waste," he concluded and rubbed his soiled finger over his fangs. "Yes. Definitely toxic waste." He looked around for a bridge lever or a secret passageway, but no such luck. Suddenly, he realised he was standing a manhole cover. Thinking fast, Shadow threw it into the sludge. Seeing as it didn't disintegrate, he leapt aboard it and started to ride the current off towards the horizon.

An unusual green creature popped its head out from the sewer as he vanished.

"Bogus!" it cried. "We lost another cover, dudes! Guess we gotta use the pizza boxes again!"

Shadow's voyage wasn't fun. The toxic waste was flowing much faster than he'd anticipated. It was a feat just to stay on the manhole cover as he was bashed about from wall to wall. The radioactive flume seemed to last forever. Licks of the green gunk came dangerously close to his fur, the cover finally started to erode away and - perhaps worst of all - "Surfing USA" was stuck in his head the whole time.

At long last, Shadow saw another series of platforms up ahead. As the manhole cover melted into nothing, the antiheroic hedgehog bounded into the air and landed back on solid ground once more.

"Safe!" the hedgehog sighed happily, "Oh, thank myself!" He began kissing the metal floor gratefully. "Ground! Solid gr...NO!" Suddenly, he shot upright again, frantically wiping his mouth. "Maria! Forgive me!" he cried. "Those kisses meant nothing! It's only a floor! I'm sorry, Maria!"

"Hey! What's all the ruckus?"

Shadow had failed to notice that his very vocal guilt trip was drawing attention. A squad of lanky Black Arms soldiers began crowding round him, blasters at the ready.

"Arms ready, men!" called the leader. "Hehe. Get it? Arms? 'cos we're the Black Arms? Huh? Ah, just aim, you philistines." They did, while Shadow kept on begging forgiveness, completely unawares.

"Maria, I am infinitely sorry!" he wailed. "I never meant to cause such chaos! Blast my libi..."

BOOOOOM!

Shadow finally returned to his senses. "Wow. I know I felt like exploding, but..." He took to his feet and hopped carefully past the small piles of purple ash around him.

Before long, Shadow was starting to get tired. He'd been dashing around the ruins of the prison complex for what seemed like ages and not found a single Emerald. Only the odd band of Black Arms warriors and a few more springboards ("Damn developers!"). He was just about ready to throw in the towel when...

"And a little more for you. My, you're a dehydrated one, aren't you? And some for you, and some for you..."

There was something familiar about that throaty voice. Shadow peered around a corner and spied Black Doom (bandaged third eye back in place) wandering around some large and unusual plants. A straw bonnet was perched jauntily on his horned head as he carried a watering can round to each of them.

"And a bit for you. No, I think you've had just about enough today, Audrey."

"So!" Shadow leapt around the bend. Black Doom nearly spilled his can in surprise.

"You again!" he cried. "I do hope this is about changing your allegence; otherwise, you can go and jump in the toxic compost heap over there!"

"This is just sad," sneered the hedgehog. "I mean, I knew you were pathetic, but this is just too much."

Black Doom sniffed. "There's nothing pathetic about upsetting a world's ecosystem with hostile extraterrestrial vegetation. Isn't that right, Daisy?" He fondled an oversized cactus affectionately.

"At least take that damn hat off when you do that," groaned Shadow. "I'm embarrassed enough for the both of us as it is."

"Hold your tongue!" retorted the alien. "This headdress is only awarded to the most bloody, battle-hardened and merciless warriors on our entire planet! It signifies honour! It signifies respect!"

"It signifies you got lost on the way to the county fair!" growled Shadow. "Now, outta my way!"

"Not so fast, quilled one!" ordered Black Doom. "Seize him, my babies!"

To Shadow's surprise, the alien plants unrooted themselves from the ground and began creeping towards him. Venus fly traps and towering daffodils loomed over the black hedgehog, tendrils raised menacingly. He wanted to just spin-dash them out the way, but they had already cornered him off. Besides, he wasn't too sure he could hurt them much at their size.

"Anything to declare, hedgehog?" smirked Black Doom. "For instance, a desire to stand at my side and help us destroy the world?" Shadow lifted his head up from his copy of Exposition magazine.

"Yeah, I've got something to declare," he said impressively and pulled out a Chaos Emerald. "CHAOS CONTROL!"

It all happened so fast. One moment, Shadow was just standing there, blue electricity crackling all over his body. The next, he had shot straight through one of the giant fly traps and out of sight in a cobalt blur.

"No! No!" cried Black Doom, throwing his bonnet to the ground. "My partner! My murderous babies' lunch! Gone! What? Oh, not now, Audrey. I said not now. Cease licking me! Cease, I say! Why won't you...oh, no."

Meanwhile, Shadow's luck was rather more mixed. On the plus side, it seemed he was on his way to getting off this mad island, but on the other side, he wasn't exactly sure how to stop. The hedgehog was thundering through the ruins like a wild rocket. In only ten seconds, he'd destroyed some crude 'monkey bars' formed by bored aliens out of scrap, crashed through two high security door and flown right the way down another river of toxic waste. He could feel his stomach preparing to expell its contents when he spied something glittering up ahead.

"A Chaos EmOOF!"

Shadow had hit something. He tumbled to the floor and the blue electricity covering him crackled away to nothing. The ride was over. After a few moments, his disorientation passed. He could make out a white Chaos Emerald in a tunnel up ahead and hovering just where he had crashed was...

"Charmy?" he exclaimed. "How the hell did you find me?"

"You blockhead!" yelled the bee. "I know this place like the back of my stinger! You think you're the only one who's spent jailtime in this stupid dump?"

"Say what?" growled Shadow.

"I've been stuck here for over a year!" the boy went on. "After we all beat that scary robot guy, I was so hyper that I sang for weeks! OK, I deafened a few neighbours, smashed a few windows, levelled a few streets...singing's still hardly worth a criminal record, right?"

"But why were you imprisoned here?" Shadow queried. "This place has been deserted for years. It's a dank, decaying, forgotten ruin."

"Exactly! The perfect place to ditch me!" snapped Charmy and cornered the hedgehog with his pronged bottom. "Now, back off, poophead! I'm gonna take that Emerald and make everyone pay for thinking I'm annoying! Then, I'll be the head of the Chaotix Defective Agency!"

"Detective!" growled Shadow. "Anyway, aren't you forgetting something, insect? Those stupid top-secret discs Vector wanted."

"Stupid is right!" replied the bee and pulled one out. "They're just a bunch of new hip-hop CDs he wanted me to get him! What a rip! And I'm a Hi-5 fan too!"

And off went Charmy. He ranted on and on about Vector's taste in music, that no-one truly appreciated him, how Espio acts like such a peepee-brained know-all just because he's a ninja. In fact, he was so wrapped up in his own tyrade that he didn't realise Shadow had developed a plan. Slowly, the hedgehog withdrew his copy of 'Exposition'.

WHACK!

Charmy Bee was on the floor, lights well and truly out. Shadow edged around his unconsious little body, weilding the rolled-up magazine on high like a mighty sword.

"Newspaper," he mused. "The only way to beat an insect." He made his way into the tunnel and picked up the fourth Chaos Emerald with a rare, triumphant smile.

WHACK!

Shadow felt himself topple to the ground before all went black. A clawed hand slowly reached down and prised the white gem from his clutches.

"Rakes," mused Black Doom. "The only way to beat a wild-quilled, arrogant troublemaker."

Somewhere in the dark and nasty regions, where nobody goes, stood a phallic fortress. Deep within this dank and uninviting place lived Dr Eggman, gifted manchild and bumbler extraordinaire. But that was nothing compared to the horrors that lurk within his mustache, for there was always something down there in the dark, waiting to come out.

Look! Right there! A claw!

"Get back in there!" growled the Doctor and whacked the tiny hand back into his ginger face fuzz.

Things had been very rough for Eggman recently. Barely a few years ago, he was a goofy but formidable mastermind who could whip up a half-decent doomsday device in under a week. Now, he could barely work the toaster without it turning against him. Ever since the Chaos Creature incident, no-one would take him seriously. His red uniform was stained, his beer belly had doubled in size and his mustashe was host to a forest's worth of critters. He'd been reduced to a minor threat. A pest. A has-been. The comic relief.

But Eggman had little time to mope now. He was in the Control Centre, a few dozen squat WorkerBots bustling around him. Plastered all over the monitors was Sky Sports coverage of Black Arms warriors and G.U.N. soldiers clashing in Westopolis. Two small groups had apparently grown tired of fighting and briefly truced for a friendly game of football. Unfortunately, neither side was willing to admit replacing the ball with a live grenade.

"Those idiots!" raved Eggman, throwing his arms skyward. "They're destroying everything! How can I take over the city and build the Eggman Empire if there is no city?"

A brief pause. He turned to the WorkerBots.

"I'm actually asking you!" he barked. All androids present nearly jumped out their cases.

"Forgive us, Doctor," piped up one in a tinny monotone, "But we are only programmed for domestic duties. By the way, we are also all out of chips."

Eggman roared. "That's it! I'm at my limit! No chips! No city! No empire! No respect! Well, not anymore! It's time to show this miserable planet that I am not some clueless clown for its entertaiment!"

"Dr Eggman, I have received a call," interrupted the computer. "Mrs Berkowitz wishes to comfirm her booking for her son's Bar Mitzvah. Shall I tell her you'll bring your own balloons?"

"Tell her to stick her head in a Caterkiller!" he barked back. "Now, send in the Eggman Fleet! CHARGE!" Hurridly, the WorkerBots stopped what they were doing and trundled out the room. Eggman smirked broadly. If those goons wanted his planet, they'd have to go through his entire army of vicious fighting machines first.

The WorkerBots re-entered alone.

"Well? the Doctor spluttered impatiently. "Where's the Fleet?"

"We ARE the Fleet, sir," replied one. "You bartered the last EggPawns to pay this month's water bill, remember?"

Eggman moaned and grabbed a spanner. This was going to be a very long day.

TO BE CONTINUED...

'til next time, true bee-lievers!