I think it was quite probably the first (likely last and only) time Captain Hitsugaya and I had been on the same side for once. Not that we weren't always on the same side in the conventional sense – we were both Shinigami and we were both on the team broadly labelled 'The Good Guys'. We were even part of the same Squad, much to the good Captain's dissatisfaction, and when the annual Shinigami Human-World Sports Day came along we were to participate in the same group – quite by accident, interestingly enough; our names had been picked at random by Old Man Yamamoto himself.
But since the day of my induction there had always been a somewhat unspoken line between us. A 'rivalry' some might call it, but that's giving me way too much credit – I was nowhere near powerful enough to consider myself his rival and he was too powerful to see it that way either. A better word might be 'struggle' or even friendly conflict but that's neither here nor there. The point is that Toushiro Hitsugaya and myself didn't normally see eye to eye (literally! It's more like eye to chest if you think about it...).
The cause of our perverted truce, this unnerving sense of peace between us, was none other my boobalicious and perpetually drunk Vice-Captain, Rangiku Matsumoto.
The woman was, not surprisingly, drunk as a skunk once again – and during broad daylight! – but had that been all there'd have been no reason for the sinister tranquillity. Captain Hitsugaya and I would have simply continued our at odds way, leaving our lazy comrade to wallow around in intoxicated glee (actually, the likelihood is I wouldn't even have been around; it was my day off after all). But Matsumoto wasn't gleeful. Not even a little. She was curled up on the Captain's couch in his office, moaning loudly in what must've been dreadful pain.
And that, my friends, is what had us both in pacific, albeit horrified, silence.
"IT HURTS!!! MAKE IT STOP, MAKE IT STOP, MAKE IT STO~P" she groaned, tossing and turning fitfully while Hitsugaya and I looked on in a shared childlike form of distress. Strange, seeing as we were both at least a hundred years old...
Hands hanging by my sides like dead leaves, I turned to the Captain with a wide, glassy-eyed expression that I assume bespoke total terror – it was likely the same expression I saw his cute baby face.
"You heard her Cappy," I laughed nervously, using one of the many nicknames I afforded him these days. "Make it stop."
His eyes widened and for once he looked every bit the innocent child he was supposed to be. I had to ignore the almost overwhelming motherly instinct to hug him – now was neither the time nor the place to embarrass five shades of red onto his white face.
"M-me?!" he stuttered. "What the hell am I meant to do? Why don't you do something?!"
"With all due respect Sir, you're the Captain around here. Besides, this was meant to be my day off." I pointed out, sidling towards the door with as much subtlety as a Menos Grande. Needless to say my escape attempt didn't go unnoticed by Admiral Arctic.
"You take one more step towards that door and I'll personally see to it that you never have another day off for all eternity." he warned coldly, giving me what I can only describe as the twelve year old version of a deadly scowl. "And if it's your day off, what were you doing in my office in the first place?"
I bit back a giggle. The way he'd phrased the last question sounded bitter – with good cause I reckon. Between me locking myself in to go to the toilet or lazing about when I had nothing better to do and Matsumoto sleeping off her hangovers, I'm sure it felt like the whole world was conspiring to take over his office. (Not a bad idea actually... if I could just get one of the more fun-loving Captains to head up the operation, I might do it. That way I wouldn't die when we eventually had to come out again.).
"If you must know, I was dropping off a document Captain Ukitake suckered me into delivering before I left to visit relatives in Rukongai." I explained, pointing to his desk on which said document sat rather obliviously to the trouble it had caused me. "Of course they're not my blood relatives, but they took care of me when I first arrived so I think I owe them a visit now and then."
"Then by all means, feel free to take tomorrow off. For now you're staying right where you are and helping figure out what to do with that." he grunted, pointing at the prostrate woman who had the gall to call herself a Vice-Captain.
"Aye, aye, Cappy!" I cried cheerfully, beaming and giving him a sloppy salute.
"And stop calling me that! It's Captain or Captain Hitsugaya, nothing else." he snapped.
"Alright, alright! Geez... Kids these days." I muttered under by breath. Which, considering the still-fresh memory of him going all samurai on my ass the last time I showed such insolence, was a very stupid thing to do.
"You say something, Sugatsu?" Hitsugaya questioned sharply, suspiciously.
"Er no, not at all Captain!" I replied hurriedly, staring to sweat. "I was just, er, wondering why you'd ask for my help when there are other more suitable officers on duty today."
"Quit your complaining and just do as you're told. You're here, they're not; simple." Joy.
Quiet descended once more and although I was mildly ticked off and having my holiday snatched from under me, I was grateful for our brief little spats. Things felt much more natural now; much more usual. Even though the peace was settling in again – and fast – I felt better knowing it could be broken at a moments notice.
"C-CAPTAIN!!!" Matsumoto whined, clutching her stomach, face contorted in discomfort. We both simply watched, too out of our depth to know what the next move should be. Or rather knowing but not sure how to achieve it with circumstances what they were.
"So," I probed after a long pause, deciding one of us should state the obvious lest it be overlooked altogether. "I guess we should take her to Squad Four, huh?"
A momentary intermission. Then:
"I guess so."
More silence but for Matsumoto's wails.
"I hate to sound pushy Captain, but how are we going to do that exactly?"
"I don't know! This wasn't exactly in the itinerary of Captain skills, you know."
"Huh. Figures – they really should add a 'How to Transport Your Drunken, Spasmodic Vice-Captain to the Infirmary' section in the syllabus at Soul Academy. Then again, how many of us ever have to actually do that, I wonder?"
"Meguri, this is no time for your stupid jokes." Captain Hitsugaya sighed wearily, pinching the bridge of his nose. Sometimes I really felt sorry for the kid. He was young (well... younger than most in Soul Society) and yet he carried such heavy burdens. Poor thing.
"Oh no!" Matsumoto gasped, eyes flying wide, sitting up bolt straight in palpable shock and panic. "It's coming! I can't stop it!"
Hitsugaya and I glanced at each other fearfully. I sure as hell knew what that sounded like, and considering Matsumoto's reputation for drunkenness and... other things on occasion, it wasn't altogether impossible either. In the moment our eyes met before flicking back to the crippled Vice-Captain before us, I'm sure I saw my own thoughts mirrored in his chilly green eyes. She can't be! ...can she?
Hesitantly, Captain Hitsugaya knelt in front of her and patted her clenched, sweaty fist awkwardly. I'm pretty sure that from his point of view, things had just gone from bad to worse. If we were right and Matsumoto was expecting (and pretty soon at that) there was no time to get her to the Squad Four barracks. She would have to do it here. And if he thought he was leaving it to me and running off with some lame excuse about fetching Unohana, he had better think again!
"Rangiku? Are you alright? What's going-,"
"BLUEGHH!"
Before he could ask what was going on – effectively asking if she was in labour without having to voice the ridiculous thought aloud – Matsumoto threw up all down the front of his Shihakshou.
For a moment nobody moved, the complete unexpectedness of the situation throwing us all for a loop. Hitsugaya's face was priceless and already I could feel the laughter bubbling up inside me, unstoppable, untameable. When she was done, Matsumoto wiped her mouth blearily and muttered something that sounded like "Must've been something I ate." before flopping back on the couch easy as you please, promptly falling into a deep, snoring sleep.
It was all I could take and I burst out laughing, tears rolling down my cheeks as I literally struggled for breath, Hitsugaya sitting there on the floor in front of the couch woodenly. There were few things in my life (or afterlife) I remembered with any great clarity but I was certain this was going to be one of them. And I prayed that the humorous little 'O' of disgusted surprise on his face would be the thing I remembered best.
"Thank you Captain!" I choked as he stood and calmly – though his face was strained and drained of colour – and headed for the office bathroom which included, for reasons I'd never considered, a fully fitted shower. "I'm glad you made me stay after all. I wouldn't have missed that for anything!" I guffawed, clutching my sides and struggling to get the words out.
"Say. Nothing." he hissed, turning his head at me as he reached the threshold and directing a glare of deadly poison my way. "Go to my personal quarters and bring me back a clean outfit. Now."
I did as I was told. It would've been madness to do otherwise, especially after he'd just been soiled so badly. But I took great pleasure in relaying the tale to my 'family' when I visited the following day and oh, what a day it was!
Yes. I went there. :D