Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or its characters
Warning: This story contains slight description of rape. Rated M for a reason. Also contains lemons and language. Please do not read if under the age of 18.
Chapter Four
~Bella Swan~
Why me?
This was the constant question that was running through my head as I sat in this hospital room. Two words, one sentence but I still couldn't find a reasonable answer to it. I was going crazy.
Why me?
Normally, this is the most popular question people think when something goes bad in their lives. I always thought it was silly of them to think that and the answer was pretty obvious. I mean, it has to happen to someone, right? You just got unlucky. They should just accept the answer and try to move on with their lives. However, in this case it was me who got unlucky. But that didn't seem like a good enough explanation for me. Out of the billions of people in this world, why me?
But it wasn't only me who was being affected by everything. Every single person in my life was being hurt one way or another by all of this. I caused trouble everywhere I went. No matter when or how, it was my fault. It didn't matter if it was my parents' divorce or Jacobs' broken heart or my rape, it all landed on my conscience.
I'm bad. That's why it happened to me. I just keep causing more and more distress to the people around me. I may not realize I'm doing it but it's happening, because of me. People are trying to help me but they don't realize how much I can and will hurt them. I don't want to but I can't help it. It's like it's out of my control.
Control was a funny thing. It supposedly means having some kind of authority or power over something. But that's not true. It's having a limited power over something or someone. But in my case it was very limited. My control was practically non-existent. They took my control and left me feeling vulnerable. And for what? So they could have something extra in their life to somehow make themselves feel better and bigger than everyone else. Power. That is what everything comes down to...power. I hated it, but that didn't mean I didn't crave it like everyone else in this world.
After Edward had left, I had been left to my own thoughts with nothing as a distraction. Edward had given it a good go by telling a story about himself. He had taken away the pain and confusion for a couple of minutes just so I could relax and feel better. Just so I could escape from my head for a while. He didn't have to do it. He just did. That was the type of person he was, somebody who was willing to go out of his way to make others feel good. I wish I was more like him.
I felt guilty, that seemed to be the most common emotion running through me these days. It was like a daily occurrence. I hated hurting people. Especially Edward. He shouldn't be here trying to help me. It was a pointless effort on his behalf. He was going out of his way for me, just so I would feel better. It wasn't his duty to do so. I should push him away, so he could move on and not have to worry about someone like me. Someone who was beyond help.
But I couldn't. No matter how much I hated his pity I couldn't tell him to leave. I didn't want him to leave. I was selfish. But he was helping me when he shouldn't be.
My eyes landed on his coat that was slung over the chair in the corner. It wasn't anything bright or obvious but my eyes seemed to have a pull towards it. It kept reminding me of what happened, like it was taunting me. But there was some little voice in the back of my mind telling me that this wasn't happening. It was as if I would fall asleep and wake up to find this all to be some indescribable nightmare.
I could see the dirt all over it. And I don't mean the mud from the ground. I mean him. I could see this total stranger all over it just like he was all over me. I felt as if the dirt had been transferred from my body to the coat. It was disgusting, just like I was. Once again I felt my guilt spike. I knew it was only a jacket but it just seemed like another inconvenience. All I was good for was causing the people I cared about more distress.
I didn't sleep, not properly anyway. My eyes drifted close a couple of times but each and every time they rested for even a second I would start to feel his hands all over me. It would send me into shock and wake me up. I had to control my breathing each and every time; I was close to having a panic attack. As if the pain between my legs wasn't enough. At six o'clock I gave up.
I had lost time while pacing so was startled when there was a knock at the door. Carlisle poked his head in. He was beautiful for a man, a lot like Edward. But they looked nothing alike.
"Oh, you're up. How are you this morning?" He asked gently offering me a smile.
"I'm okay." I said quietly. I could tell he didn't believe me but fortunately he didn't make a comment. His eyes seemed to pierce straight through my lie. Instead he just smiled in understanding. How could he understand? No-one did.
"Your father arrived a couple of minutes ago but he said he went to your apartment to get you some clothes. I bet you want to get out of that gown."
"Yeah, they aren't the nicest things." I agreed.
"It doesn't look it either. Well, your vitals look good so you can go home once your father returns. There are some papers you need to sign but apart from that you are free to go." He smiled. I breathed a sigh of relief. I needed to leave this room. I nodded and smiled slightly.
"I'm heading back home soon but if you feel any dizziness or nausea then come straight back, okay?"
"Okay. Wait, did you come all the way here just for me?" I asked worried. From my talks with Edward, I knew Dr and Mrs. Cullen didn't live close by. I wasn't sure where but I knew this wasn't Dr Cullen's usual place of employment. I hope he had come down for someone other than me, a patient needing a heart transplant or something. Something worthwhile.
"Edward and Alice were worried." That was all he offered for an explanation. Now I felt even worse. I had only met Dr Cullen a couple of hours ago and he was already going out of his way to help me. I had taken him from his wife at home and upset his diary. I was causing distress to people I didn't even know. Like father like son.
"Speaking of," he pointed to the door and Edward had just walked in. I couldn't help but feel relief when he stepped into the room. I instantly felt safe, not that I didn't with Carlisle.
"Hey beautiful, dad," He nodded to his father.
"Edward, I just let Bella know she is fine to go home now. I'm going to drive back soon too. Make sure you give you mother a call later." Edward nodded in agreement and I said my goodbyes to Carlisle.
I took a closer look at Edward and noticed he looked awful. He had black bags under his eyes, which were slightly bloodshot so I knew he hadn't gotten much sleep. It was my fault. He shouldn't care that much about me. I had to stop this before it got any worse.
"How you doing this morning?" He asked with concern. Lie, my subconscious was telling me. I had too; it was for his own good.
"I feel much better, some sleep did me good," I smiled at him and he looked relieved.
"I'm glad, has your dad arrived yet?"
"I think a while ago but he went to my apartment to get me some clothes. He will come straight back."
"I'm guessing you don't need a ride then?" He asked with that crooked grin.
I tried to smile back, "No it's okay. Thanks for coming to see me but you should go and get some sleep as well. You look like hell,"
"Thanks. At least I can rely on you to tell me the truth," he chuckled. Before I could answer the door opened again and my dad stepped through.
"Bells," he said in relief. I gave him a reassuring smile knowing he was concerned. His daughter just got raped what do you expect? I inwardly flinched at that thought.
"Hey dad, this is Edward Cullen. He was the one that found me and his father was my doctor last night," I said introducing them both. Edward stuck his hand out to Charlie.
"Nice to meet you, sir," Charlie grabbed his hand.
"You too, Edward. Thanks for...uh...well everything," Edward nodded his head slightly and gave a tight lipped smile. I could tell Charlie was grateful. I walked over to Charlie and gently took the bag from his hand.
"I'm going to get changed and then we can go. Will you wait?" I asked Edward. He assured me he would and I quickly stepped into the bathroom.
I locked the door behind me and breathed a sigh of relief. I had only been half hour and I was already tired from all the pretending. Suck it up Swan, it's for their own good. You know when you're starting to go crazy when you refer to yourself by your last name in your head.
I started searching through the bag seeing what Charlie had picked for me. I was glad that he knew nothing about fashion and had decided on comfort rather than making an impression. He had chosen a pair of yoga pants, a tank top and a jumper. I found some panties and a bra at the bottom and was relieved. I was glad to have some underwear on. I was still slightly sore down there. I pulled the rest of the hospital gown off, it really was uncomfortable, and got dressed in my own clothes. I felt a little better when I stepped out of the bathroom door. I noticed that Edward and Charlie were in deep conversation huddled close together and they hadn't realized I had returned until I spoke up.
"Thanks dad, I feel better now," I didn't catch what they were talking about but it didn't take a genius to guess what it was.
"No problem Bells, are you ready to go?" I nodded and left the gown on the bed. I noticed Edward starting to walk towards the chair. He reached out to take his jacket before I stopped him.
"No!" Both him and Charlie looked at me oddly.
"I... uh... I mean leave it, I'll get it washed for you," I tried to smile but pretty sure it came out as a grimace.
"It's okay, don't worry about it." He said and made a move for it again. I ran over and grabbed it before he had the chance.
"No, please. It's the least I could do. It needs a good wash." I chuckled nervously while Edward still had the frown on his face. He nodded reluctantly and I turned away to put it in my bag.
"Let's go," Charlie also had a frown, watching the whole exchange. Lie better.
As we walked down the corridors I felt like everyone was staring. I knew they weren't but I was being paranoid. I had to keep telling myself that they didn't know what happened. It was still a relief though once we made it to the doors after I had signed all the papers I needed to.
"I'll get the car, Bells, and then we can go. Thanks again Edward, see you soon son."
"No thanks necessary Charlie," Edward nodded his head as Charlie walked off. I stood there in shock. My father obviously liked Edward to allow him to call him Charlie. Usually it was Chief Swan just for intimidation purposes. Edward turned to look back at me.
"I have to go but promise to call if you need anything okay?" I nodded in agreement even though I knew it would never happen.
"Thanks again Edward." He smiled and squeezed my hand once before walking out the door. I stood there watching him, thinking of all the things he has done for me and how he me made me feel.
I don't know why but I felt safe with him. When he took my hand both last night and just now, I didn't feel any fear like if someone else tried physical contact. Instead, I felt the usual. A buzz of electric flowed straight through my body as soon as his skin came in contact with mine. It confused the hell out of me that I felt so secure around him. I wanted to know if it was just his presence or others too.
So when Charlie drove around with the car and stepped out to take my bag I didn't waste any time in wrapping my arms around him. He responded the gesture and we stood in silence for a couple of minutes. I took comfort from the contact rather than fear. For the first time that day, I felt the need to cry. I surprised that the tears hadn't already come.
"He's a good boy," Charlie said quietly.
"Yeah he is," and he was, but it also made me feel better knowing he wasn't the only person I felt safe around. Charlie wasn't really a fair test considering he was my father and I knew he wouldn't hurt me that way. But I wouldn't always have them; I would eventually be on my own. I pulled back from Charlie and he gave me a smile.
He wrapped his right arm around me while his left carried my duffel bag, "Let's go home,"
Home.
We had been in the car for less than 10 minutes when he started.
"So, where's Jake? I would have thought he would have been here before me." I knew the questions were coming and couldn't really avoid them but I really wasn't in the mood to talk about my other problems right now.
"No, Jake's not coming. We're not together anymore." I hoped this would be enough but unfortunately for me it wasn't.
"What? Why? You two are perfect together," I inwardly rolled my eyes. I decided to tell the truth, going with the cliff-note version.
"He cheated on me, I broke up with him, he's been trying to get back together, I don't want to at all, we aren't perfect and never were."
Charlie was quiet for a moment and I finally relaxed thinking that was the end. Or not.
"He cheated on you? Son of a bitch. With whom? Do you know her? Why didn't you tell me before?" This time I didn't even try to stop myself from rolling my eyes.
"Jesus Dad, what is this the Spanish inquisition? Yes, he cheated on me. I'm not telling you who but yes we know her and I didn't tell you because I knew how much you liked the idea of us together." That was only part of the reason why I didn't tell him. I thought he would tell me to grow some balls and take Jacob back, put everything behind us. No-way buddy. However, I didn't expect his reaction.
"Sweetie, I'm sorry. I never meant to make you feel that way. If I had known I would have found some reason to arrest his ass or kick it, depended on what mood I was in." I cracked a genuine smile at the thought of Charlie taking on Jacob, who was about a foot taller and probably double his weight. "So, when did it happen? Was you okay?" I know he was only concerned but I was starting to get angry. Couldn't he take a hint? I didn't want to take it out on Charlie though, so I counted to 10 before answering.
"It was last weekend, Dad. Please can we not talk about this right now? I'm really not in the mood." Thankfully he relented but not before he got his thoughts in.
"I could shoot him right about now. Just wait until he hears about the attack, he's going to feel so guilty. He should too, it was partly his fault." My eyes grew wide and I had to stop that idea right there.
"Charlie, no! I don't want him to know. He will just use it against me saying he will protect me and whatever. I don't want to deal with him anymore; I want him out of my life. Promise me you won't tell him?" I could tell he didn't want to agree but realized it wasn't his choice to make.
"Fine, but I'm still going to kick his ass." I gave him a small smile and returned my look to the scenery as it passed by my window.
"I wouldn't expect anything less from you, Dad."
When we got back to my apartment I decided to make something to eat. If I was going to keep up this happy façade then I had to do it properly. Charlie went and put his bags in the spare bedroom and when he came out, we both sat down to eat the sandwiches I had made while watching some pointless sitcom on the TV.
Neither of us was enjoying the show but we didn't bother turning it over. After another 20 minutes, I couldn't take it anymore and decided to take a shower.
"I'm going to jump in the shower, I won't be long. Help yourself to anything you want." Charlie thanked me and I walked out of the room. Before I even made it to my bedroom, I heard the sounds of a baseball game on the TV. He doesn't waste any time.
I walked into the bathroom and noticed nothing had changed since I left the room on Friday night. The makeup I had used was still scattered along the counter along with my hair products. My curling tongs were still plugged into the socket but turned off. Nothing had changed in this room. It was weird that so much had changed but you just couldn't see it. My feelings had changed, the situation had changed and most importantly, people had change.
I turned on the shower to scalding hot. I felt dirty again. I wanted to wash it away. No, I needed to wash it away. I had to get rid of the dirt and the memories and everything. The scent of my favorite strawberry shampoo soon filled the air and calmed me slightly. As I ran the sponge and soap over my body I only seemed to get dirtier. I knew that wasn't the case but it wasn't working. It was how I felt. I was paranoid.
So I scrubbed.
And I scrubbed.
And I scrubbed.
I scrubbed my body until it was red raw. I didn't realize I had started crying until I tasted the saltiness of my tears on my tongue. I gave up washing my body, suddenly exhausted and wanting the comfort of my own bed.
I stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my head and body. I walked back into my bedroom, heading straight for the drawers. I took out a clean pair of yoga pants and another tank top. I put them on and started to comb through the knots in my hair. As I walked past the mirror, my reflection stopped me in my tracks.
My hair was obviously wet from the shower but my face looked drawn. It seemed to be a yellowish color, like I hadn't seen daylight in ages. My eyes had the same bags under them as Edwards' had which accompanied the blank look that was in them. But these things weren't what had captured my attention. No, it was the bruises on my arms. On both of my biceps, I had finger marks.
It was proof. Proof of what had happened had actually happened. I won't deny that I wished I could fall asleep and wake up finding this all a nightmare. The bruises I was looking at were proof that it happened. There were some sick and twisted people out there that actually got pleasure out of what they did to me and thousands of other girls that were victims. The tears followed the dry tracks down my face, wetting them once more. My cries became hard and loud sobs and I couldn't stop, couldn't be quiet. I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to believe that someone could violate my body that way. I wanted it all to go away. I wanted to get out of my head and enter some parallel universe that was full of pretty colours and flowers. A place where nothing goes wrong and everything is perfect. A girl can dream, right?
I was screaming and shouting and knew Charlie would be in here soon but couldn't make myself stop. It was as if I needed to get it out of my system by having a full mental breakdown. If that wasn't enough, I chucked the hairbrush straight at the mirror. It was an involuntary action. I didn't even register thinking of doing it. It was if my arm moved on its own accord. I watched as the glass cracked and fell to the floor, my body following. I broke down. I was finding it hard to control my breathing.
I felt a pair of strong arms wrap around me. I knew it was Charlie. I could smell him. It was an airy smell and it brought me comfort. It reminded me of when I was a little girl and he use to comfort me when I had fallen down the stairs or off a swing. It was nice to know that he was where he was supposed to be. I needed him at that moment. Not Edward. I needed my Daddy and he was the one there with me.
I was standing with my back against the wall. I could feel his breathe on my neck. A shiver ran down my spine. It wasn't from attraction or the cold. It was fear. Pure fear that was running through my blood. My own breathing started to pick up. I wanted to run. To scream for help.
But I couldn't. I couldn't move. Not one inch.
All of a sudden the sensation was of off me. I could move again. I should have run while I had the chance but I couldn't make myself do it, it was as if I was paralyzed. I looked around me. I was in the alley, I could see the dumpster next to me and the rubbish piled around my feet. It was different though. I could see this time, it wasn't pitch black. I didn't know if this was a good thing or not.
I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and my head shot to that direction. I tried to make out what the movement was. It seemed like a black smoky shadow was advancing towards me. It was a body, a man. But I couldn't tell anything else. It started to move closer to me and I tried to take a step back only to be met with the brick wall.
The shadow started to form more defined features. He was getting clearer and clearer. The top of the head started to grow brown. It was hair. The face was getting just as clear. The eyes turned brown. The body was tall and skinny but had some muscles. My breath caught in my throat. It was Ben. I blinked but before I could do anything, the body started to change again.
This time it was messy blonde hair and a tall and lean body. I couldn't make out the eyes but knew it was Jasper Hale. No-one else has hair like that. But it changed again, not giving me the chance to process what I was seeing. The hair was going dark and seemed to be shooting back into the skull. The body grew considerably. The eyes turned grey. But they weren't the warm and mischievous eyes I was use to. They were cold. It was like Emmett had been possessed.
It changed again, my breathing with it. It was coming out in short bursts. I was panicking. This couldn't be happening. Not again. Why me? Again why me? The body stayed the same but everything else changed. The shadow's skin grew impeccably darker and the hair started growing at alarming speeds. The hazel eyes of Jacob Black were narrowed at me. If I reached out my arms I could probably feel him, touch him. But I was still paralyzed by the fear. It was closer now and Jacob started to disappear. The shadow was coming back. I didn't know which was worse.
It was practically touching me now and I couldn't predict what it was going to do. There was no way to read his expression considering there was no face. It was right up against me, his whole body if it existed. I was waiting for it to do something.
A hole started to appear where the mouth should be. I prepared myself. I was braced against the wall. My eyes wide open with no moisture. I tried to close them but couldn't. All of a sudden it pushed onto me. I didn't expect it. I could feel it grinding at my body. It seemed like déjà vu all over again. This realization did nothing for my emotional state.
I tried to push the shadow away but instead of coming into contact with something solid, my hands shot straight through it. I was vulnerable. I couldn't do anything to stop its movements. I was powerless against it.
I started to feel cold breezes of air on my neck. I quickly realized it was acting as kisses. They weren't nice kisses. They were sending shivers through my body. I started trembling and couldn't stop. I had no control. Not over the shadow, or the situation and definitely not my body.
The slight pressure to my clothes came next. It was if he was trying to get them off me. It wasn't enough for him. He wanted to see my body at mercy in front of him. He wanted more proof of my vulnerability. My trembling was uncontrollable. I needed to stop this. It couldn't happen again. I won't let it.
I opened my mouth. It was my only chance at this moment.
"Help me!" The pressure was just getting harder and tougher. It was if he was getting angry at me. I was showing the little of control I had and he didn't like that.
"Help, please!" Something blocked my airway. I didn't know what it was but it was successful in making any sound come out. I was finding it had to breathe. I was still trying to scream. I couldn't breathe. It was coming out in smaller gasps. The shadow was surrounding me. It was taking everything, all my senses. I couldn't hear anything or smell anything. My vision was going, leaving behind black dots. The only thing left was its touch. I could still feel it all on me. It was ending.
No, I had to survive. I had to get out. Help me, please help me. Do something! Please! I tried to talk, but was met with nothing.
Pure silence, again.
I shot up in bed. I was breathing heavily and could feel beads of sweat running down the side of my face. A nightmare. Just a nightmare. It wasn't real.
I must have fallen asleep after my little tantrum. I couldn't believe I did that. I completely broke. I was normally a strong person who took their fears and dealt with them. But I was in denial. The bruises were like a wake-up call. They caused me to break. I felt sorry but grateful for Charlie. I needed it to happen. It was only a matter of time.
I looked at the clock and it said it was just after 8 in the morning. I had been asleep for a long time. I decide to get up and go to see Charlie before he left to drive home. I knew he had to be at the station the next day considering it would be a Monday so he would be leaving soon.
I stumbled my way to the kitchen and found Charlie sitting at the breakfast bar with a cup of coffee in one hand and the sports section of the newspaper in the other. He looked up as I entered so I gave him a small smile hoping to convey my gratitude to him without verbalizing it. He returned the small smile and his body noticeably relaxed a little. Neither of us said anything for a while, just waiting in silence, ignoring the elephant in the room.
"Have you eaten?" I asked. I was trying to avoid the talk we needed to have.
He nodded his head, "Yeah, I had some cereal when I got up. I have to leave soon. I wanted to go into the station, see if there are any updates with what happened on Friday."
"Okay, will you let me know please?" He hesitated for a moment.
"Uhh, are you sure that's a good idea, honey? I don't want to worry you." I knew he was referring to what happened last night. I gave a sigh, knowing I couldn't ignore what happened any longer.
"Dad, I'm fine. I know last night worried you but it helped. I think I needed to get it out of my system. It was like everything kept piling up and I couldn't hold onto it anymore. When I saw the bruises, it all became a reality to me. Now, I'm not saying I'm fine with everything because I'm not but I am dealing with it. I promise I'm okay. There's nothing for you to worry about and to be honest, I think I would worry more not being kept up to date with it." He thought over my words for a moment before nodding his head in agreement.
"I can't say I'm not worried about you, Bells. Last night really freaked me out. I have never seen you like that before, but you do seem better this morning so maybe what your saying is true, maybe you did need it. But I want you to promise me that if it gets too much that you will come to me. I know it's hard, without your mother close by and everything but I want to be here for you, Bella, if you will let me. I hate to think of losing you, you're my little girl." I could feel the tears pooling in my eyes. Charlie didn't mention Renee often but when he did, it was usually for good reason.
"It means a lot to me that you here Dad. I miss not having her close." I whispered. I went over to him and he opened his arms to me. I stepped into them and wrapped my own around his waist. He gently stroked my hair until my tears finally stopped.
Just after lunch, I finally closed my apartment door. Charlie had left and I was on my own again. For the majority of the day, Edward called but I ignored all messages from him. With Charlie gone and being alone, I didn't have to pretend. I could act exactly how I felt and be miserable.
The smile could come off. I didn't have to put on a mask for anyone to convince them I was copping.
Because in reality, I wasn't.
Hmm...not such a great response for last chapter. I guess it wasn't a good one? Or perhaps it was EPOV? I don't know but I hope this one is better. Each and every review put a gigantic smile on my face :)