The Hollow Men

Between the idea

And the reality

Between the motion

And the act

Falls the Shadow

For Thine is the Kingdom

"The Hollow Men" by T. S. Eliot

This was the dream. There was a giant moving black mass of hands that flailed in the air like worms in the rain and a pair of glowing blank red eyes that stared back at her from the corner of the wall. The way it moved was like an octopus; silently gliding across the linoleum in the murky dark and squeezing through the cracks of a person's courage. She stood petrified. She was struck dumb with fear and looked at the scene detached, undisturbed, and glacial. She had seen the man collapse in a heap of dark ooze, clutching his head when he felt his mind implode in darkness, and seen the flailing arms swiped away the other bodyguards against the walls.

Then it made for her father.

Something had peaked inside her and then a burst of release. Her fear shattered in the corner of her mind and a clear image rained hail on the monster. It dissolved in wispy fragments and was no more. She remembered her terror and collapsed in strong arms, protecting her, caring for her, and knew, as she closed her eyes, that she wanted to keep this feeling forever.

It was in the middle of the Dark Hour when she awoke. She sat up in her bed, rubbing her eyes, and leaned back against the headboard. She felt her nerves thrumming. The remnants of her dream faded away and she couldn't recall what it was about. She closed her eyes to see if she could recreate the image, but could only bring back a feeling. The immobile shock of the floor dropping below you and the secure feeling of being caught. Whatever it was, it had the comforting feeling of a good ending to a story.

She slipped back under her covers and went back to sleep.

He had woken up feeling that he had missed something. It was the sensation of a long, meaningful dream that was so much like life that once he woke up he had slipped back into the life he had been leading. He put on his clothes as he always did everyday and each action was like a reintroduction. He put on shoes that he had to remember how he always tied the knot, and he looked carefully at himself in the bathroom mirror to reaffirm that he was himself. By the time he left the dorm, he was already back in the swing of things.

"Good afternoon, Sanada-kun. My name is Shuji Ikutsuki, the chairman of Gekkoukan High School. You can just call me the Chairman, since I know my name's quite a mouthful."

He stood rooted to the spot, petrified by the hulking morbid furniture. He turned round on his heel, about face with a tense face and frozen throat, and walked back up the stairs, not quickly, without skipping a beat.

"Thank you, er, Ikutsuki-san. It's nice to meet you."

"I'm going to ask you a few questions about yourself in our interview, so please relax. I'm an easy-going kind of guy, and there's no wrong thing to say that could affect your getting accepted. Of course, if it helps, I can crack a few jokes to break the ice; I have a pretty good sense of humor, for an educator."

"…That's fine, sir."

Ikutsuki elation deflated. Collecting himself, he picked up a piece of paper on the table to look something over. "Well, let's start with what we do know. You've gotten very admirable marks in your test scores, placing you within the top fifty of this school. Your recommendation letters from your teachers spoke very highly regarding your character and potential as a student. Very good so far, because at Gekkoukan we place a student's capabilities and talents above financial and social status."

"Thank you, sir," said Akihiko, for lack of a better reply.

"However, we shouldn't overlook technical matters. Gekkoukan is a recent private school of which its creation was thanks to the Kirijo Group. As such, the school is provided with the very latest in terms of the equipment used in classrooms and how subjects are taught. As a result, there's some experimentation in teaching methods by some teachers. We are also provided with facilities that are not common compared to other private schools. As a result of our added benefits for the students, the cost of tuition can deter many prospective students from applying, and less fortunate too for those who wanted to live in a dorm."

Akihiko looked askance, knowing where this would lead to. He clenched his fist in irritation.

"You've been living alone for a long time, correct Sanada-kun?" The Chairman asked softly, in sympathetic eyes that Akihiko always see and couldn't quite adapt to when this subject was broached.

He felt the hairs on the back of his neck stood up, he felt empty, jumping feeling of a heart trying to swallow itself struggling in his chest, and all he could hear above the rapid beating in his ears was the swollen silence in this dark, silent world.

"I never think of myself as being alone in life, since I have many people who have supported me," replied Akihiko carefully, finding comfort in the admittance.

Ikutsuki nodded. "I'm sure that's true. I've heard of how much various educators and guardians have looked out for your well-being. But in reality, the fact that you don't have financial support from a known family member or a guardian would pose as a difficult task upon enrolling. However," his voice brightened a little. "We do have many scholarships, which includes both sports and academics."

Akihiko looked up and gave the Chairman his full attention to his implications.

"When the school board sees great potential, they are quick to dish out awards for proper circumstances. Your records show that not only do you excel as a student, you also successfully balanced academic life with your extracurriculars. Particularly in sports. I heard that your jabs are like lightning!" Ikutsuki then gave a mischievous grin. "I bet your opponents get shocked at how much you can dish 'em."

He waited for a response, for added effect. Akihiko stared back blankly. Ikutsuki cleared his throat and brought out something from his briefcase.

"Have you filed a financial aid report before?"

"Yes, I have. I received some aid, and it's been bolstered by the orphanage staff who still look after me. I've, uh," Akihiko looked at the pile of papers that have his information. "I've also recorded the scholarships and awards I've been given throughout the past three years."

"Ah, yes. And those are very encouraging to see. I see that you've taken many awards given by the school, as well as from your sport interest."

"I've mostly used the money to pay for middle school, and I'm finishing this year without any debts or loans. I was sort of thinking I could do the same when I enroll in Gekkoukan as a first year."

"That may be feasible, as you could potentially finish your first year with a rather small amount of debt or you may have to get a loan at some point. However, I should have to point out a few things."

Akihiko braced himself when he saw the Chairman's serious expression.

"Gekkoukan is a very rigorous school. Since we are still relatively established, we haven't really gained a set reputation to bolster our respectability. Also, even though you've placed very well in your exams in such a well-rounded middle school such as this, you might experience some sort of culture shock with the students at our school, whom many have come from other rigorous learning environments, you may find your placement to have dropped considerably. That sort of thing could easily discourage some people"

"I adjust well to my surroundings," affirmed Akihiko.

"Which I'm sure would be no problem, given your character. But can you still balance school with boxing? I've read on the section of why you wanted to apply to Gekkoukan was because the boxing team is doing favorably recently. The training there pulls no punches, you know."

Akihiko nodded. "That's exactly how I like it. I wouldn't accept anything less from my choices, and I don't want them to expect anything less from me."

Following him up the stairs, through insidious hallways, walking past windows with window panes that make prison bars on the floor, the visage of the solitary coffin crept in the corner of his eye. He went away from it and took with him the stalked, exposed insecurity of something ominous pointing its gun behind his back.

Ikutsuki nodded to himself, as though agreeing something to himself. "Good, good. Now, enough of the technical stuff. Do you have any questions for me before we conclude?"

Akihiko shook his head. "I'm good for now."

Ikutsuki rose from his chair, Akihiko following suit, and shook the student's hand. "Well, it was very nice meeting you, Sanada-kun. We'll let you know in the mail if you're accepted or not. If you have any other questions, don't hesitate to call the school faculty office. Our guidance counselors are very helpful. They'll guide you through the dark if you want counsel."

"Uh, thanks Ikutsuki-san."

Akihiko rolled the door open and stopped when he was about to cross the threshold. "What are the people like in Gekkoukan?" He asked.

Ikutsuki looked away in thought. "Well, all I can say is that it's never a dull moment there."

He closed the door to his room and let out a relieved sigh. Without a word, he slipped under the covers, rolled over to face the wall and stared. He took deep, steady breaths, listening to them, and he gripped his comforter tightly. He felt more at ease in his room, in the room's enveloping darkness, and in a familiar setting. But his heart began racing and his mind was at a loss at what he had just seen and experienced.

It was an unusually warm day in February. The weatherman declared that this early thaw will persist throughout the rest of the week and all of next week. It was warm enough that Akihiko only had to wear his short sleeve dress shirt and an undershirt beneath it during school. The other students had caught on, enjoying the break from having to wear coats and long sleeves during the fall and winter. It was also a relief for Akihiko. He hated the cold. He also disliked the fact that sometimes he would feel some discomfort in his hand joints because of the weather, and that slight numbing of the hands would occasionally throw him off from making effective hits.

"Hey, Akihiko-senpai!" Hiro greeted as he entered the locker room. "How'd your interview go? Man, Gekkoukan…" He shook his head disbelievingly. "That's a really high-tech school. Did you know that they get their electricity from the wind generators on Port Island? And it's private electricity! All owned by the Kirijo Group. Man, if you get in there, you'll with all those high-rollers."

"Yeah, I guess…" mumbled Akihiko as Hiro dumped his gym bag on the bench. They dressed in silence, taking their time as they still have a few minutes before practice starts.

"You know, my mom was really considering me in applying to Gekkoukan High…" trailed Hiro.

"Really? Why?"

"She thinks that I can get a better education there than the other schools I'm thinking going. And then I might get into a better college."

"Well, that sounds reasonable," Akihiko replied through gritted teeth, wrapping his hands with sports tape, holding one end with his teeth.

"…But I don't really want to go there." Akihiko glanced at him when he noted the dejected tone. "It's not like some high school would make a difference whether I get into the college I want, right? I mean, that's what the national tests are for. So everyone gets an equal opportunity to get into college. And besides…" Hiro stopped getting prepared and sat on the bench next to Akihiko.

"I'd rather be in a school where I'd know at least a couple of people. Gekko High kids are, like, another species from the guys I usually hang out. And I heard that tuition hits hard on the wallet. I told her about that and then she goes and decides that I should give up some things if I want to succeed. Like sports…"

"Couldn't you get some sort of scholarship? I helped paying for going to school here because I applied for some awards. And our team did get some money for each of us because we had a really good season."

Hiro laughed mirthlessly. "Yeah, we did. But I'm not smart enough in school to get any honorable mentions and I'm not that talented in boxing for those scouts to take notice of me and drag me into their school. And it's not like my family's poor enough to receive any sort of financial aid for me, but we're not what you'd call wealthy. Man, higher education really hits hard on the middle class…"

Akihiko didn't know what to say to that. He couldn't relate to his friend's pressures since he's the one that makes the decisions for his life and didn't really have anyone to force him to go one way or the other. He knows what he needs to do to survive.

"Well, all I can say is that what you do is really up to you. Sometimes you have to make choices by yourself and you're the one who'd know if you can follow them through or not. For now, do what you think is best, and make up for the things that needed to be improved on." Akihiko got up from the bench, grabbing his gloves by their strings and walked towards the gym.

Hiro looked blankly at Akihiko, considering his upperclassman's words. He at himself, at his wrapped hands and saw them clenched in fists. He got up, snagged his gloves, and caught up to Akihiko.

"Thanks, Senpai. I didn't mean to lay all my troubles on you."

"Don't mention it."

"I mean, I'm not really going to seriously apply to Gekkoukan; I have to be practical, you know? It's better to do well in a place you're comfortable with, in my opinion. I would feel so out of place with all those rich snobs in their snazzy uniforms. And you're not going, too, right? I mean, I don't know how you can afford to-"

Akihiko raised an eyebrow at his implications.

"I-I mean, I didn't mean like-" stammered Hiro. "Well, um… God, I really put my foot in my mouth, haven't I?" his face flustered in shame. Akihiko waved it off. Hiro looked away uncomfortably.

"Well, er, anyway. But sometimes… It really bugs me when my parents went and said that what I like to do are really useless things, especially if I don't really get into them. I can't help what I like, right? I'm not playing around, am I?"

Akihiko didn't say anything.

Looking back, he felt that was when his world changed. Not in a huge, location-changing, magnificent send-off of seniors type that he expected later. But in that uncertain whisper.

Between the desire

And the spasm

Between the potency

And the existence

Between the essence

And the descent

Falls the Shadow

For Thine is the Kingdom

Does Japan give financial aid to prospective high school students? Do they need financial aid forms, like FAFSA? I felt like I was making Akihiko going through American college instead of high school D: