Tony really didn't know what he had expected when he met Gibbs at the gate, but he sure as hell hadn't expected the beach bum that he almost didn't recognize, searching past him in the crowd for the real Jethro Gibbs. The man's hair was long and shaggy, lightened by sun, and he still sported several days worth of beard, not to mention a flowery shirt that would have done Thomas Magnum proud. The worst part was the mustache, and Tony had to clamp his jaws shut to keep from commenting on it. But really, he was so glad to see the older man that he could live with the thing for a while until he was able to get the guy to get rid of it.
"Wasn't sure you'd actually be here." Gibbs announced quietly as Tony grabbed one of his bags and they headed out to the car.
"Why wouldn't I? This is the time and flight number you gave me."
"Thought maybe you'd think I wasn't gonna show up and you'd have wasted a trip to the airport."
"You said you'd be here, Boss. I believed you."
"Not your boss, DiNozzo."
"Always my boss, Boss. You're looking good, nice tan, by the way." he added, changing the subject of bosses and who was one and who wasn't. He'd had his fill of trying to keep his team together, and spent many a night by himself doing paperwork at this desk wondering if it was worth it to even try.
"Heard you're having a bit of a time keeping things together with the team." Gibbs said, as if reading the younger man's mind.
Tony sighed inwardly as he unlocked the door of his Mustang and popped the trunk for the luggage.
He wondered who the spy was, or the tattletale, or both. Really, it could have been any of them. There was no reason to believe that he was the only one to have had contact with Gibbs while the man had been in Mexico, even if the party line was that he had no way of being contacted. Again, Gibbs must have heard the mental sigh, or maybe Tony hadn't kept it as private as he had thought.
"Wasn't diggin' at you, Tony. Just saying what I heard."
"Let me guess. Abby? Ducky?"
"Neither one, though they're both worried about you."
"Huh. Wouldn't have figured that from Abby. She spent most of her time telling me that I wasn't you and never would be, so to quit trying."
"She was hurting, DiNozzo, she lashed out." Gibbs shot back defensively.
Tony came close to blurting out a few home truths, but didn't think getting in an argument with his passenger was conducive to a pleasant, or even safe, drive, so he bit his tongue. Again. Ducky had told him once about primal scream therapy, and until now he'd forgotten all about it, but maybe he'd Google it when he got home and see if there were any local chapters he could look into.
He watched the traffic ahead of him and merged into the lane heading back towards Gibbs' place without a word. Maybe this hadn't been the great comeback that he thought it would be. Gibbs eventually tuned in to Tony's now sour mood, and sighed himself, but not inwardly.
"She shouldn't have told you that. You didn't ask to be thrown into Team Lead, and yes, you were ready for it, they just weren't ready for you. Maybe I indulged her too much."
Tony was just dying to come back with the proverbial "ya think?" on Gibbs, but he himself had been guilty of indulging the Goth lab rat on many an occasion. And he had never attempted to tell her how much her words hurt, not wanting to make yet another enemy on an already shark infested island.
He kept driving without comment, concentrating on the heavy traffic headed home from work.
"She was so lost after Kate -"
Tony unconsciously gripped the steering wheel. This conversation was going totally in the toilet, and short of stopping and bodily tossing his passenger out of the car, he either had to take it or tell the man to shut up.
Gibbs had seen the white knuckling on the wheel, and realized too late he had struck yet another nerve. His memories had been mostly pieced back together on Mike's beach front, but his mouth had seemed to forget how to verbalize what he was thinking. No, that wasn't right, either. He never hadbeen good at verbalizing, not even before the explosion robbed him of fifteen years of his memory. He'd never had to much with Tony, they'd figured things out with looks and smiles and head slaps, and even occasional grunts.
"Didn't mean to start off on the wrong foot with you, Tony. Haven't really got my bearings yet."
Tony nodded, still not able to say anything without a hard edge in his voice. Was this how it was going to be? Gibbs going hot and cold on him, slamming him for running his team into the ground one minute and then giving him backhanded apologies by explaining himself the next? He'd had enough of wild mood swings growing up with his parents, he didn't need to have that back in his life now.
"Got it, Boss.. Gibbs. But you've gotta understand right here and now, I'm not putting myself up for whipping boy of the year anymore, I put up with it while you were gone to keep the team in tact, but if you come back as Team Lead, which I see absolutely no reason why you wouldn't – I'm not going to take what I took from them again, not even Abby. She wasn't the only one lost after...that happened."
"Yeah. I know. And I know I wasn't there for you afterwards."
Tony heard the veiled apology in that statement, too, and wondered just how many more he was going to get by the time he and Gibbs were done hashing things out, and they would hash things out, Tony was certain of it, it was a no-go for him to just take up where things had been dropped when Gibbs had left for warmer climes. He knew it wouldn't be popular with Gibbs or any of the others save for Ducky and Jimmy Palmer, but that wasn't enough of a deterrent for him to back off the idea. He'd had enough of working on a team where feelings, his in particular, were ignored by everyone, including himself, and left to fester until he could no longer function as a contributing member. And he was too invested in this particular job and group of people, no matter the cons, to walk away now. But he knew he would walk away, no matter how difficult, if push came to shove and he let the past four months of hard feelings go unchecked. The issue of Kate's death and all the feelings that erupted out of that was another matter entirely, and Tony knew it was best left until the air had been cleared regarding his tumultuous stint as Team Lead.
"Well, it was a nasty time for all of us, Boss."
He sighed heavily, and Gibbs was at least in tune enough with his second to know when to drop a subject that neither was ready to run with at the moment. They both kept their thoughts to themselves for the rest of the ride home, and it seemed to calm both of them that they could relax a bit for a while they worked on getting their emotional footing back on a somewhat even keel, or what was even for them, both as individuals and as co-workers. By the time Tony rolled into Gibbs' driveway, they had had enough time to distance themselves enough from their prior conversation to feel a little more at ease, until Gibbs stopped dead in his tracks in the driveway.
"You pay for this landscaping, DiNozzo?" he barked angrily over his shoulder.
"Hardly call it landscaping, Boss. I spent a few hours out here weeding and transplanting. Did some edging with a shovel. It was therapy. Like your boat."
Gibbs shoulders sagged with weariness. He had walked away from so much, had not even given a thought as to what would become of his house and lawn. At the time he didn't give a damn, didn't even want to look at it, such a painful reminder of his happy times there with Shannon and Kelly. He had grabbed his go-bag from his truck and headed off to see his old boss, hoping for some sort of miracle cure to his misery. Now he realized the only miracle to happen was the passage of time and steadfastness of his friends back home, his family. They had had more faith in him than he'd had in himself. He knew he needed to rein himself in in the harsh mouth department if he was ever going to even hope to make a fresh start with them.
"Looks good, Tony. I – I appreciate it. Figured the neighbors would mow the lawn if they got sick of looking at it."
"Took care of it. Hardly took any time to mow. Come on, let's have some lunch, I'm starving." Tony announced, grabbing up Gibbs' duffel and heading into the house.
"Still hard to come back to." Gibbs told him quietly.
"I know, Boss." Tony answered back, stopping at the door and waiting for Gibbs to open it. "But if you don't go in there, you'll never be able to, and in all seriousness, I don't think you could stand living at my place, you'd have my cupboards sanded down to toothpicks within a week."
Gibbs nodded, just a hint of a smile at the corners of his mouth, appreciating that Tony knew what he was feeling and still able to inject some humor into the situation. He pushed open the door and stepped into the foyer, struck almost dumb by the familiar scent of the place, with a few new ones added.
"Made some dinner for us before I left to pick you up. Fettucine alfredo with broccoli. You've gotta be hungry after all that travel time."
Tony made to head into the kitchen, and then realized that Gibbs wasn't following him.
"Boss? You coming?"
"Yeah, Tony, just – getting my bearings. Get the table set, I'll get some coffee started."
They worked around each other in the kitchen, as if both of their lives hadn't consisted of four months of pain and upheaval, as if the gaping chasm between them had somehow sealed itself over. Gibbs knew better than that, knew that Tony was just cutting him some slack by giving him time to readjust to being home, in the house that he had shared such wonderful memories with his wife and daughter. He didn't doubt that his SFA could and would forgive him, but it would come with a price, and if Gibbs wasn't willing to pay it, he knew he would be watching Tony clear out his desk and walk out of his life.
Gibbs wasn't completely sure why yet, but he knew that would be unacceptable. They sat down to the simple dinner, both opting for milk with the meal instead of beer. He wondered just how much Tony had imbibed in his absence, knowing from Fornell the rocky road the young man had tread while his boss took a bender on a Mexican beach. Both of them reached for a slice of the Italian bread at the same time, and shared a friendly laugh at it. Gibbs sat back in his chair with a sigh as he buttered the oven-warmed slice.
"Tony, I – I know this doesn't count for much right now but – I just wanna tell you how much I appreciate you doing this. Means a lot to me."
Tony blinked across the table from him, showing his surprise at the man's confession.
"I'm not really doing anything, Boss. Picked you up from the airport and made you dinner. The rest is up to you. But as long as we're baring our souls, I gotta tell you. If we can't make this work, or if the Director can't figure out how to reinstate you...I'm not staying on as Team Lead. I'll find another team or go work for Tobias or I dunno, maybe become a consultant or something, but...I'm not going to lead the team I've got now."
He took a bite of pasta and some bread, waiting for Gibbs to digest what he'd just told him, wondering if the man would defend them like he had Abby. Tony knew he wasn't the only team member with whom his boss felt a familial tie , and had spent more time than he should have in the past worrying why Gibbs had taken to the two younger subordinates so quickly, especially Ziva. He'd admitted to himself that he was clearly jealous, and needed to get over it and grow up, which was a lot more difficult than it sounded even to his mid-thirties ears. Gibbs was the first person to really listen to him, even though it seemed like he never heard a word that Tony said, and the first authority figure who really took the time to look past the alter-ego Tony and find Anthony. As old as he was, Tony still felt the layers of insecurity and poor self-worth clinging to him that he had worked so hard to scrub off since being let loose on the law enforcement community.
The length of time it took Gibbs to speak almost did him in, but in reality, it was only a minute or so while the man finished chewing his mouthful of bread. He had kept his head down, so Tony had been unable to read his facial expressions to make any guess as to what he was thinking.
"What do you think the problem is, DiNozzo? You or them?"
Tony bristled at the question, his dinner starting to take a definite turn for sour in his stomach.
"Well, Boss, if I say them, I sound like a whiny, incompetent jerk. If I say me, I sound like an incompetent ass who doesn't deserve his own team! I'm not the bad guy in this picture, Boss, I tried making lemonade out of lemons, but there's not enough sugar in the world to sweeten up those two when they're on a tear!"
"Easy, Tony, just trying to get the facts here." Gibbs placated, wishing like hell they'd waited until he could have had a beer or some bourbon in him before starting down this dangerous road. "Not taking sides."
"Really. Like you didn't take Abby's side on the way home from the airport? You know what, nevermind, let's not even discuss this, I don't know what I was thinking, this had disaster written all over it before I even started."
"Tony.." Gibbs gently admonished.
"Yeah, I know, I'm being a drama queen, but you know what, it's like I'm back at home in Long Island, trying to defend myself from my idiot cousins who knew no one else was going to defend me against them! I had no one in my corner, Gibbs, no one, not then, and not now! Not even Abby!"
"Tony..."
"Palmer tried to help, but Ducky was so futzed most of the time from being mad at you and trying to deal with Abby and the Director that Tim wasn't making out much better than I was!"
"Anthony."
Tony abruptly stopped his tirade at Gibbs' use of his full name.
"Ss – sorry, sir. Boss. I'll shut up and let you eat. I don't feel much like eating anymore, just...I'm gonna go, let you relax and get back into being here and maybe work on your boat."
"Boat's not important, Tony. Neither is dinner, though I appreciate you cooking it for me." Gibbs told him calmly, then wiped his mouth on a paper towel and stood up from the table. "I'm getting some beers and we're going to go out back and sit and talk."
"Boss." Tony stalled, sounding a bit desperate.
"Tony. This isn't going to go away for you any more than what made me run off to Mexico went away for me. We're going to have to face it, or neither one of us will be fit to be on any team, leading or following. Mistakes were made. We're going to try to fix them, or at least learn from them or we don't survive as a team. I know you're ready to toss us all into the Potomac without life preservers, but I'm not ready to lose what took me years to build, so let's go do this. I promise to listen to what you have to say without screamin' at you. Just too damned tired to scream anyways. Go on. I'm on your six."
Tony scratched his chin self-consciously, wondering if it really was a good idea after all to hash things out with Gibbs and an eight pack of Heineken. He headed out the door, guessing they'd find out in an hour or two.