Disclaimer: I do not twilight or the songs on Bella's CD!
Chapter 4: Therapy and Music
"There are many ways of getting strong; sometimes talking is the best way."
― Andre Agassi, Open
I woke early the next morning. I quickly showered, and made breakfast for Charlie. I left a note and snuck out to the truck. I had a feeling that Charlie would want to talk about last night and to be honest I was not sure that I could handle it.
I was debating where I should go. I did not want to go to school but I was a little too embarrassed to go visit Jacob.
I felt the hole in my chest cringe at the thought of not seeing Jacob. I decided to head to La Push anyway.
I drove down to First Beach and parked in the empty dirty lot. It was still dark - the gloomy predawn of a cloudy day – and when I cut the headlights it was hard to see.
I had to let my eyes adjust before I could find the path that led through the tall hedge of weeds. It was colder here, with the wind whipping off the black water, and shoved my hands deep into the pockets of my jacket. At least it was not raining. I strolled down the beach toward the north seawall. I could not see or the other islands, just the vague shape of the water's edge. I made my way carefully across the rocks, watching out for driftwood that might trip me.
I found what I was looking for before I realized I was looking for it. It materialized out of the gloom when it was just a few feet away: a long bone- white driftwood tree stranded deep on the rocks. The roots twisted up at the seaward end, like a hundred tentacles.
I could not be sure that it was the same tree where Jacob and I had our first conversation, a conversation that had begun so many different threads of my life, but it seemed to be the same place. I sat down where I had sat once before, and stared out across the invisible sea. I started skipping rocks across the water.
I thought about all my problems. I thought about what Charlie said about me needing help. I thought about therapy. I did not know what I would tell them. I wished that I could talk to Jacob about this but I did not want to keep burdening him with my problems.
I must have been sitting there for hours just thinking. I closed my eyes and tried to think about something else but all I could think about was seeing Jacob. It almost felt like he was sitting next to me.
"Hi, Bella," Jacob voice came from the darkness and made me jump so hard I fell.
"Sorry Bella. I didn't mean to scare you." Jacob said while helping me to my feet.
"What are you doing here?" I asked.
Jacob rubbed the back of his neck looking embarrassed.
"I had a half a day in school today and I was looking for you." He said.
"Why?' I asked.
"Charlie called the house looking for you. He said you skipped school and disappeared. He sounded worried." Jacob said.
I was confused.
"I left Charlie a note so there should have been no reason for him to worry." I told Jacob.
Jacob looked at the ground.
"The last time you left Charlie a note you went missing." Jacob said and I had flashback of Charlie holding a crumble sheet of paper in his hands.
"Oh" I said unable to think of anything.
Jacob looked at me and sighed.
"Charlie's at the house waiting for us." He said.
"We should probably head back then" I said.
When we got to Jacob's house, Charlie was waiting outside.
"Hey" I said.
Charlie stared at me for a second before pulling me into a hug. I hugged him back hesitantly.
"I was worried about you kiddo." Charlie told.
"I'm sorry," I said guiltily.
"It's alright" He said and released me from his desperate hug.
I really needed to stop worrying Charlie.
"I made you an appointment with the therapist later on today at 4:00." Charlie said.
I frowned.
"Bella, I know you don't think that you need a therapist but I-" Charlie started but I cut him off.
"No, I'll go." I told him.
Charlie smiled and gave me a pat on the shoulder before heading inside. I was waiting for Jacob to comment on the fact that I was seeing a therapist.
"Hey, I made you something." Jacob said suddenly.
"What?" I asked surprised.
Jacob ran into the house and came back out hold a black CD case and a Yellow CD case.
"It's a mixed CD," Jacob said.
I opened my mouth to refuse the gift but Jacob interrupted me.
"I know you don't like music Bella, but I think you will like this." Jacob said and I was shocked.
I had not told Jacob that I did not like music.
"Okay" I said once I saw the pleading look on Jacob's face.
Jacob smiled.
"Great, listen to one song every night from the black case before you go to bed. Listen to the Yellow one when you wake up in the morning, or in the car" Jacob said and I just stared at him.
Jacob laughed, "I overheard Charlie tell my dad that you've been having trouble sleeping so I thought this would help". Jacob said.
I was touched. "Thank you Jake." I said.
Charlie and I hung out in La Push until it was time for Charlie to take me to my appointment.
"Bye Jake" I said.
Jacob hugged me "Bye Bella" he said.
I said goodbye to Billy and then we left. We dropped my truck off at the house and rode in Charlie's police cruiser. I tried not to fidget on the car ride to the therapist. The office was in Port Angeles.
The place was called "Serenity Gardens".
We sat in the lobby waiting for the doctor to finish with their other patient. When the secretary called me to go next Charlie told me that he would wait for me but I shook my head.
"This is a two hour session. You go get some lunch." I said patting his arm.
"I'll be fine", I faked a reassuring smile.
I was not sure that I could handle it. I walked into the office expecting to see a man in a white button shirt, slacks, with glasses and a goatee.
Instead, there was a woman sitting at her desk waiting for me. She was tall, slim, and dressed in a pale blue dress and a white lab coat. She stood up and shook my hand with a smile. I took in her light blond hair and her pale gray eyes.
"Hi, I'm Dr. Silverman but you may call me Ann." The doctor said.
"Hi" I said taking a seat.
"So Bella tell me, what brings you here?" Ann asked.
"My dad brought me here," I said.
Ann nodded "Okay, do you know why your dad bought you here?" she asked.
I nodded, hoping she would not ask me to talk about it.
"That's good," Ann, said pulling out a note pad.
"It says here that you suffered a break down yesterday." She commented.
"Yes" I said.
I guess you could call it a break down.
"Can you tell me what happened?" she asked.
I said nothing.
"It's okay if you don't want to talk about it." Ann said.
"I don't know what happened. I just snapped." I blurted out.
Ann wrote something down "what were you doing when you snapped?" She asked.
I flinched.
"I was looking at a house". I said cringing.
Ann looked curious "Who's house were you looking at?" she asked.
I looked at my feet.
"Do you not want to tell me?" she asked.
I shook my head
"It's not that…" I mumbled.
Ann gave me a sympathetic look.
"Why did looking at the house make you upset?" she asked once she realized I was not going to answer.
"Because it was exactly the same only different," I said trying to make an effort.
Ann wrote something else down.
"What was different about it?" she asked.
"They weren't there," I whispered.
"Who wasn't there?' she asked.
I could not even think their names without it hurting. My body shook from the pain of the wound in my chest.
"The Cull-" I tried to say it but I could not get the whole name out.
"The Cullens" she said and I wrapped my arms tightly around my stomach to keep myself from falling to pieces.
I nodded.
"What happened after you left the house?' she asked.
"I drove to my best friend's house." I said felling the pain numb itself slightly at the thought of Jacob.
"Who is your friend?" she asked.
"Jacob Black "I said with a small smile.
Ann smiled too "Tell me about him", she said.
"He's my best friend; our dads are best buddies so we hung out when we were little. He was with me during my darkest time." I said thinking about my break down.
"He always knows exactly what to say, he has a great smile. He's like the sun only brighter." I said.
"He sounds like a great friend." She said.
I nodded "He is" I said.
"So, you and Jacob are close?" Ann asked putting an emphasis on close.
I tilted my head confused.
"What?" I asked.
"Never mind, listen Bella, your father told me what happened between you and Ed-" I gasped and she change her words, "You and your Ex." She said.
I did not want to talk about this.
"I know that have a relationship end can be very painful. However, from what I hear it is more than that. Can you tell me what's wrong?" she asked.
I opened and closed my mouth unable to think. "I that this is hard for you but I think together we can make progress and help you to move on with your life." Ann said firmly.
The room faded from my sight as tears blurred my vision. She wanted me to move on. No one seemed to understand.
I did not have a life without him.
When he left me, he left me hollow and alone.
My mind refused to focus, and the hole in my chest burst open. I was reduced to a crumbling mess in my mind.
"Bella are you alright?" Ann asked standing up and coming over to check on me.
I said nothing; my head shook back and forth. I placed my hands tightly over my ears. I wanted to leave. I could not control my breathing. This had been a terrible idea. I did not want to face this. I was breathing in fast.
"I know you are scared Bella. I understand honestly but you need to calm down." She said.
I tried but I could not.
"Bella you are having an anxiety attack. Okay, listen to how I am breathing and calm down. Breathe in and out. Take a slow breath in and another slow one out." She instructed and my breathing evened out.
"There all better." She said patting my arm.
I stared at her as if she was insane.
"Listen Bella, I think your problem is that you try to block your feelings instead of dealing with them. I want you to try to allow yourself to feel the sadness, anger, fear, and pain that you keep avoiding."
I tried to protest.
I wanted to tell her how other than the pain I had nothing inside or out. I opened my mouth but she held up a hand singling me to be quiet.
"Because if you keep bottling those feelings up they eventually pour out and you end up having a break down like the one you had yesterday or the one you just had in my office." She said.
I shook my head.
"It hurts too much." I whispered.
The doctor put her hand over mine.
"Trust me Bella, it doesn't hurt forever." She said.
I nodded, but I didn't really believe her.
"Okay." I said.
Ann smiled happily.
"Good, now let's talk about something less painful." She suggested.
"Tell me more about your friend Jacob." She said.
I took a deep breath and began to talk.
When it came to Jacob, I did not need to worry about what I said because not even one of my memories of Jacob was painful. I told her about meeting Jacob when I was seven and some of the crazy stuff we got into when I was younger. I talked about meeting Jacob again when I came back to forks, going to the movies, and every little detail I could think of. By the time I finished my session was over.
Charlie was waiting for me when I opened the door.
"You ready Bells?" He asked.
I nodded and smiled. I felt lighter after talking about Jacob.
"Can I speak with you alone for a minute Mr. Swan?" Ann said coming to the door.
Charlie looked confused.
"Sure" he said.
They went inside and closed the door. I wondered what they were saying about me. I debated for a few minutes then pressed my ear hard against the door and listened silently. I missed most of the conversation.
"I don't know what to do. She seems to be getting better. I can see it. Then other times she looks like she is dying and I feel like a failure as a father." Charlie said and I felt guilty.
I had not really thought about how my zombie moments affected Charlie.
"The only one who can make her happy when she gets like that is Jacob. I just worry that she is relying too much on Jacob. He is just a kid, only fifteen. I do not understand why she does not lean on me. I'm her father." He said.
"Look Bella has been through a lot. You and her mother got a divorce when she was younger. She barely got a chance to spend time with you. Her mother remarried and she decided to move back to Forks. A place where-based on what you told me-she hated. Then she falls in love with this person, who she thinks is perfect, and builds her life around him and his family." Ann said.
I frowned.
Is that what I did?
"Then out of the blue he just ups and leaves her, in the woods. Bella's emotions have always been sensitive. Maybe with time she will find a way to cope with her pain besides denial and Jacob." Ann told him.
"But what if she doesn't?" Charlie asked.
"What if she stays broken?" he asked fearfully.
"You can't think like that. She needs time to heal. She needs time to sort herself out. You will see. She will get better soon. She just needs to connect with more people." Ann said.
I heard them coming toward the door. I quickly ran to the lobby and sat down. Picking up a car magazine, I pretended to read.
"Come on Bella." Charlie said and I stood up.
"Bye Bella" Ann said waving.
I waved back. When we got in the car, Charlie was silent.
I did not want to think anymore. I wanted a distraction. I reached in my jacket pocket and saw the yellow CD Jacob made me.
"Bella, I've been thinking. How would you like to go fishing with me next week? Just the two of us." He blurted out.
I was going to refuse when I finally looked at Charlie. I saw the hope in his eyes, the worry lines on his face, the gray hairs that he had not had before. I was causing Charlie unnecessary pain.
"Okay Dad." I said.
Charlie smiled.
"Great." He said.
I nodded then grabbed the CD Jacob made me.
"What's that?" Charlie asked.
"Jacob made me a CD." I told him popping it into the stereo.
"Hey Bells!" Jacob's cheerful voice rang out through the car.
"I'm glad you're listening to this CD. The first song is just to put a smile on your face. Enjoy!" he said.
Then an upbeat song came on:
I wanna rock right now
I wanna, I wanna rock right now
I wanna, I wanna rock right now, now, now
Rock right now
I instantly burst out laughing. This was Jacob's idea of happy music. I looked at Charlie and was surprised to see him bobbing his head. I giggled.
I wanna, I wanna rock right now
I wanna, I wanna rock right now
I wanna, I wanna rock right now
I wanna dance, I wanna dance in the light
I wanna rock, I wanna rock your body
I wanna go, I wanna go for a ride
Hop in the music and rock your body right
Charlie apparently knew all the words. I decided to go with it. I started bobbing my head to the music with Charlie.
Rock that body, come on, come on
Rock that body, rock your body
Rock that body, come on, come on
Rock that body
The rest of the car ride Charlie and I sung danced, and bobbed are heads with the music. It was fun. I had barely been in the house for a minute before the phone rang in the kitchen. I answered thinking it was Jacob. "
Hey Bella," Angela said. I stared at the phone in shock.
"Hi Angela" I said slowly.
"I was worried. You weren't in school today." She said concerned.
"I over slept" I lied.
"Oh, well do you want to go shopping with me?" she asked.
I felt uncertain. I did not want to spend all day shopping. I hated shopping. I remembered what Ann said about me connecting more.
"Okay, but can I bring a friend." I asked nervously.
"That would be great." Angela said.
I sighed in relief.
"Want me to pick you guys up?" Angela suggested.
"My friend lives in La Push." I said.
"No worries, I don't mind picking him up." She said.
"How did you know my friend was a He?" I asked confused.
"You mentioned your friend Jacob yesterday at lunch." She said.
"Okay, well I'll see you." I said and hung up.
I called Jacob.
He answered on the first ring.
"Hey Bella, how did it go?" Jacob asked.
I thought about it.
"It wasn't as bad as I expected," I said honestly.
"Okay, so you want to come hang out?" Jacob asked.
"No, I have plans with Angela." I said.
"Oh" Jacob said sadly.
"You want to come shopping with us?" I asked hopefully.
"Sure!" he said excited.
"Great, she said we would pick you up." I said.
"Okay, I'll go tell my dad." Jacob said and hung up.
I wondered just what I was getting myself into. I went to tell Charlie about my plans. I knew he would be happy.
Author's note: okay so Bella's finally getting the help she needs. I always suspected she was a little off. (Anyone who would pick Edward over Jacob has got to be insane) No offense to Team Edward.
Also all the Songs on the yellow CD are just songs to make Bella smile. If you have a song request or an idea for a song don't be shy. The black CD is the personal one. Please make sure you review or Pm your thoughts. It makes me happy when you do! Thanks to those who reviewed for the last chapter.
GlassHeart1993
write more soon (guest)
nette91
AwEsOmEePiCgIrL
It was your reviews that keep me inspired! Thank you guy, you are amazing!